“Everyone” sexts these days, from couples in long-distance relationships to single folks with active sex life.
While it can be an exciting and relatively low-budget way to meet your sexual needs, sexting can also be pretty awkward to go along with. And that’s not just counting the creeps who think it’s okay to lay their dirty, unsolicited (visuals) thoughts on you like it’s okay.
Personally, I like to think there’s a special place in hell for people who don’t seek consent before doing anything sexual, even something as “harmless” as sending sexts. They deserve nothing more than to be aired, insulted, and blocked.
However, even in cases of established attraction and consent, most people still find it awkward to straight-up sext without some sort of buffer, like humor. When the exchange is as hilarious as it is sexy, it rarely feels as wrong. One minute you're laughing your ass off, the next, you're sending a full-blown descriptive essay with a picture of said ass.
Nevertheless, there's a point you get to where it's a miracle if you're still able to string words together coherently. It's a bit challenging to gather your wits and respond cleverly in the heat of the moment, not when your clit is busy doing 200bpm to the ministrations of someone's fingers. But not worry, that's where I come in.
With an assortment ranging from when you're totally down to play to the over-my-dead-body kind, the following witty responses will essentially put your dry sexting days behind you for good.
Table of Contents
When their sexts hit back-to-back, and you want them to know there’s only way this ends if they keep saying all the right things.
Q and A is only like the easiest format to sext with. Wanna know if someone’s down? Dial up the intensity? Just ask—nothing like one or twenty honest questions between friends.
Some people love their dirty talk to be really dirty. They don’t want you to sugarcoat things; call them gross and say you love it, and they are already on the edge.
Getting a sexting request from someone you just started talking with but are madly attracted to already. Hot on so many levels.
I love myself an assertive queen and when it comes to sexting, so do most people.
Have they been detailing their thoughts so well that you’ve just about had enough of talking? Use this to get down to the nitty-gritty.
Your fingers may or may not already be getting ideas of their own at this point.
When you’ve been out of the game for a minute, and you get with a younger partner, haha.
Sounds a lot like something my partner would say.
Here for the mood but can’t really go for it because you’re surrounded by suits? Raincheck.
Naturally comes to mind when the new flame you haven’t done it with yet channels their inner poet when the mood strikes.
When they break the ice with an actual hard thing, a jpeg so hot it could melt an avalanche.
Handy response for after the deed. Also good when the buildup gets so intense you unintentionally make a mess.
Brief and to the point, for when they hit that sweet spot where sexy meets funny. If you’re into visuals, you can type it in for a gif or as a caption for an actual pic of you squirting.
When you’ve just about had enough of sharing that D, sexting presents the perfect chance to voice it out.
Like is there an office line to call or a website or something?
If you’ve been privileged to experience premium sexting, you probably thought of this right in the middle. You can’t help but wander back there now and then, even when you’re not in the mood.
When you’re not much for talking or typing but down to show them if they are.
When you’re still living the effect of your last tantalizing rendezvous, and there they are again, wanting more.
Sexting with a long-distance partner is like...
This might just tip your sexting partner over the edge if they’re heavy into making a scene of finishing.
Damn. You know you must be doing something right when they willingly offer to cross their limit.
When the ongoing talk makes the double entendre in terms like riding and swinging harder to ignore. Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe not. All’s fair, as long as no kids are being scarred in the process, am I right?
If only they knew what was brewing downstairs.
Horny minds must really think alike.
Why does this work? Brevity, check. Anticipation building, double-check. Setting the tone for the exact kind of naughty you’re looking for… Need I go on?
When his replies and attachments are so apt and fast you can tell he makes every keystroke count.
Variety is the spice of sexting, too. Just as there’s a place for visuals and typing it out, using voice messages also has its perks. Like being able to replay as much as you want while concentrating on their voice like they were right there talking to you.
A girl shan’t live by orgasms alone (hey there, foodie!) If you like to fill up after getting off or just another excuse to get pizza, then here’s one for you.
When all that dirty talk unlocks levels you didn't know you could reach, let alone had in ya.
This works with repeat partners, and people you already know what they want in a good sext. Saves everyone valuable time beating around the bush.
When you work up an appetite from all the talking and can’t wait to chug down on their sex milk.
A clever way to ask for nudes without coming on too strong.
There’s more to life than studying for finals, right?
When they barely say two words to you in real life but sext so well, it feels like their second nature. Who would have thunk?
Another chance to use the “cue the waterworks” line.
Like I said, something for everyone on this list.
When they are sexy af and effortlessly integrate humor with sexting. Also sounds like something I might say to a crush I only just entered the dirty talk zone with.
I'm not saying that's a threat, but ain't saying it's not either. If they are initiating the sext, they probably won’t miss that appointment anyway.
Something thoroughly dickmatized past me may or may not have said.
You probably once thought you could never be found hanging naked around the house, sexting… but look at you now.
Two types of sexters: the ones who go, “easy tiger” at every roar, and those who basically say bring it on.
Same energy with the above except a lot sexier. How, you ask? Well, there’s consent for them to do as they wish. Plus, it’s more specific and a lot hotter when you put it like this than just asking them to bring it on.
If you want it and they do too, why wait, right?
You’re not asking him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. Just thinking out loud, basically.
Who doesn’t stand a queen who knows what she wants?? Not me.
Channeling that Jhene Aiko energy without remorse. And why not when you know you’ve got the WAP.
What's sexting without a good dirty pun? For the one whose hey alone wakes you up at any time of day.
In case it’s the food puns that pickle your fancy. You can have your cake eaten and maybe get some extra frosting out of it.
…because how are you still horny? Reading this, you probably have someone in mind already and you can’t wait to respond this way.
Yes, they’d like that very much. Probably wouldn’t bring it up while sexting otherwise, but it’s still kinda hot to ask.
Ass-stans like to fixate on what they love. If you’re sexting with one, you might have to cleverly bring their focus back to other parts of you in need of attention.
Ah. Sexting hits differently when it’s with an otherwise well-behaved, usually super proper person. Hard not to creme the moment they start to talk dirty.
Whoever said poetry makes nothing happen clearly hasn’t found a way to adapt the art form to sex.
Haha! These are the questions because where has this eloquence been all this while, Brian?
You don’t have to be a sapiosexual or like math to appreciate this, but it’ll probably earn you extra sexy points if you respond to one with a line like this.
Spoken like a true good girl in character. #IYKYK
An attitude of gratitude opens all doors. All of them.
When you already know walking well isn't in the cards for you if the sext ends as it should, you ask to gauge before it’s too late to adjust your schedule.
When you “don’t usually do this” but can be persuaded into it with the right attitude.
You haven’t had sex yet, but their effect on you is so evident even from behind a keyboard god-knows-how many miles away that you know you just have to stay hydrated.
Speaking of lubrication, it’s only right to make the risks known beforehand, wouldn’t you say?
Some people would rather not sext you than do it half-heartedly (read: without describing explicitly to the best of their ability). “Some people” is me, and it’s all the sexier when the person on the other end not only notices but appreciates the details.
If it sounds oddly specific, that’s because it is.
So, right now, this is where we are at.
Ah, fortune favors you, boss lady you.
Boy, oh boy. This line brings back more than just memories.
When you’ve had your share of sexy encounters, including sexting, but none this crazy before. Or they are at least on track to earning that rank, so you help them along with a little ego boost.
I know I’d be.
Sexting isn’t always sexy from the get-go. Some start as a casual conversation, then the mood gradually shifts to that of sex, and well, you know how that goes. Whereas, some people play along for their partner and not necessarily because they have high hopes but then end up being pleasantly surprised.
Sexting with someone who literally just has to go there, and you’re a goner might warrant this response.
It would be crazy not to make the most of such serendipitous alignment.
The buildup is everything when it comes to sexting. If you wouldn’t skip foreplay during sex, there’s no need to rob yourself of the joy of savoring every naughty bit of the conversation.
When the connection is so palpable, you could touch it. (But you can’t, so you direct your fingers somewhere more productive.)
Picture this: it’s the middle of the day on a Wednesday. It’s your downtime at work, and you just opened a notification from your fwb that turned out to be a sext. You entertain it to unwind because why not? Next thing, the dampness between your legs jolts you back to reality, and it’s like, how did I get here!?
Just the way a lot of us like to hear it.
This vibe, teasing a partner to no ends with the potential to get the most delectable punishment out of it, is one more reason sexting is needed in your sex life.
Before you say or even think about it, it’s not love, just something that feels a lot like it.
Sexting 101: know your angles.
How to say I’m adventurous in bed without actually saying it.
Another one for the guilty pleasure team. Hey, no judgment here.
I’ve actually said this to someone before, lol. Like, I’m all for the virtual thrill and all, but if I have to wait one more day to get the real thing… *tears*.
Another heads up, don’t say you weren’t warned.
Used to be days when no one kept you up at night with sexy thoughts that resulted in you begging them to go deeper in your dreams. You should remind the culprit that their actions have real consequences on you. Just know it might mean you still don’t get to sleep early that night or that you wake up horny again.
Make them work for it a little harder, but only those who know you enough to know that’s not how you say no when you mean it.
When you’ve recently had sex at your desk or featured it in your sexts once or twice, and now that’s all you can see when you sit there to work. Or you’re down so bad, all you can think of when you look at your furniture is being bent over them with your panties somewhere south of your thighs.
Or this, if you prefer to be more specific.
If the kitty wants attention, not much to do but give it.
Honest question. Slaps even more if they’re in a professional position to answer that question, like a doctor.
So much better, haha!
You started it, now come on over and put that hard candy in my mouth, por favor.
Aka, have you been naughty behind my back, you dirty little slut?
What better way to round off a rather satisfying session?
A lot of these A-holes are also transphobic, so haha! #translol
Since basic decency like not harassing random people with talk of their pecker is clearly over their head, maybe shame will do it.
Call them out on the fact that they don’t know the first thing about sexting.
Even if it isn’t true, it might scare the guy a little, especially if he knows your dad is badass.
They say the history of sexting might date back to 30,000 B.C, the fundamentals of it anyway. So no matter how old your great-grandma is, it’s a solid comeback.
For the ones who cram a line or two and suddenly think they’ve mastered sexual innuendo.
So it’s a bit mean, if the shoe fits, please.
Then you just go silent. Eventually, they'll get the message.
Wherever it leads – whether in their account getting blocked or an actual arrest – is a win for society.
I’d feed what’s left of it to my pets, but not even they will have that. They have taste, after all.
I respect risk-takers, so points for that, but still a hard pass, no thanks.
He'd probably make it easy and ask for a picture, so be sure to have a meme or gif of a very mean, hungry-looking cat at the ready.
I’m inclined to believe some people were put on this earth to build up, while the sole purpose of others is to tear down.
More often than not, what you hear is that their mama actually raised them better. The lessons just didn’t stick.
No, sir, I do not appreciate you calling me those things in the slightest. Go brush your teeth, boy.
For when you can’t even be bothered to insult or explain. Just shoot and block them if they persist.
When they are already violating your space by the way they barge into your DMs… Away with you and your tired, vapid nonsense, please and thank you.
A, that sounds weird coming from you, total stranger. B, of all the things to start a conversation (even a sexual one), it’s that? Ffs.
When you decide to see the good in the people so you assume it was a mistake, a close one at that because it can’t be you they’re talking to like that.
Or I don’t know, say hi? Not that I’d want that dinner now.
What goes around comes around and whatnot.
So sweet, but I can’t right now. You and I should totally never do this again, though. 😊
It’s true that bringing humor into sexting can be oh-so-hot in, like, the most comfortable way. But a good laugh in this context is more of a double-edged sword. Where laughing with someone may be a turn-on, laughing at them in most cases has the opposite effect and dampens their morale.
Telecommuting is at an all-time high today, making it believable when you tell someone their media entered right on zoom because you were sharing your screen. It doesn’t have to be true, but it might make them think twice before bothering you again.
There are worse ways to go than standing, plus the ground will always be an option. Any self-respecting person should back off after this.
Like I could be the mother of dragons, and I still wouldn’t. The same principle applies with the laugh as above, btw.
For those who wish they had a sex life but don’t because no one wants to sleep with them and so resort to hating on women as a result. Poor thing indeed.
Giving back to the lord and all that. Maybe try again in my next life?
Bust this one out when you’re neither in the mood nor have the time to fake being polite.
Even if it was right at hand, the time (no matter how short) you’d spend addressing that nonsense is several seconds of your life you can’t get back.
When you don’t want to sext with them but also don’t want to cause any permanent damage to their feelings.
Honestly, I think you deserve whatever people decide to do with your nudes if you send it to them against their will. But that’s just my opinion, not legal advice.
When the impudence is so staggering you don’t even know where to begin.
Again, people need to know there’s more to great sexts than copying banal pickup lines verbatim from the internet.
Or don’t, you know? Just leave me alone.
When they are no stranger, and there’s no bad blood, but you’re just not in the mood to get naughty or talk dirty.
When you have multiple personalities, and none of them wants to talk sex. So you go, please enjoy the music while you wait, and be sure you are up to date on our consent policy.
Darkness is a crucial ingredient to making that clear-to-whitish brew for some people. In other words, they are only fun to sext with after dark.
To be forewarned…
In case it ever has to get that deep.
When you're not against sexting but also just got your dream job, and you're just not that naughty.
Meanwhile, the “more” you expected = basic human decency.
Past, present, and future. Thoughts and prayers, sises.
Talmbout doing it from the car to the kitchen counter to the roof then back in bed, and that's all great, but when though? A girl can only get off on promises for so long.
If not, why would you think to use it on me?
A bit petty for my taste, but if it works for you, then hey.
And it’s not once a year like your birthday or Christmas either. Wow, such a privilege.
Can’t think of a good enough example of a lousy poem right now, but when you see it, you’ll know.
You can do that, right?
Two years off the internet and being propositioned by a randy creep is what one gets for coming back? Slaps are different when it's what made you leave in the first place.
Even if your ridiculous fixation on size made sense to me, I still didn’t need to hear yours. Let this be the last time.
Saw this somewhere with an apt picture a long time ago, and I haven't been able to forget since. Don't think I ever will, lmao.
Missing the point on purpose because two can play the game >>>
I’m too consistent to be called sexy only when naked, please. Have some respect.
You get the idea.
You can decide to carry the conversation if you are so inclined. You could politely decline by saying something along the lines of “You’re great and all, but I don’t see you that way.” Or you can just play the quiet game and not humor them at all.
Guys like the idea of sex almost as much if not more than sex itself sometimes. Sexting is a fun and relatively stress-free way to meet their sexual needs. And yet, it can feel incredibly intimate as their partner shares a part of themselves they probably don’t in person.
Yes, casual sexual encounters like sexting can sometimes lead to something more profound that may or may not bring about a relationship. A good number of couples started that way and ended up getting married, while some have equally tried and failed to take their chemistry outside the “bedroom.”
Start flirty, then slowly up the ante as you begin to get comfortable. For instance, take sneak peeks to start with rather than full pics. Also, try to keep your messages short and precise, and know as much as you can about your sexting partner, e.g., soft and hard limits, fantasy/fetishes, etc. And find a way to weave whatever you’re not sure of as a question.
People generally want to talk to the ones they like, and texting is one of the most convenient forms of communication. Guys are no fundamentally different than girls in this regard.
I think by now, we all agree that humor makes sexting naughty and better no matter how you see it in real life. If it’s an unsolicited sext or personal call, it makes the insult bearable. If not, laughing together helps you shed some inhibitions and really get into it without fear of making a mistake or feeling too naughty.
Whether you’re looking to bring the spark back into your sex life or just how to shoo the undesirable nitty-gritty away, you can hardly go wrong with witty, hot, responses.
Let me know what you think of the post as always. I’d love to hear your thoughts and feel free to share it if you liked it.