Not everyone realizes incompatibilities in their relationships earlier on. Sometimes, two to three years go by before a couple realizes they may not exactly be on the same page on their core values and other important things.
The first question that comes to mind is, why does it take so long to recognize these incompatibilities in the first place?
The plain truth is, finding a partner who would actually want to commit to you these days is hard. It's very easy and even common for people to ignore the negatives in their partners at the initial stages, then it gets harder to end things in the long run. Even one year is a relatively short time to be with a person and you can still choose to ignore certain things at that point.
Most couples tend to discover their differences when they've moved in together and share certain responsibilities like pets, plants, bills, and even kids sometimes.
At this point, breaking up is a bit harder. No one wants to be in this position. It's better to avoid things like this instead of having to deal with the consequences later on.
To help you with this, I've highlighted 21 signs you can look out for if you happen to suspect that you’re not the perfect match for your partner.
Table of Contents
Humor is something that should be valued in any relationship, no one wants a humorless person as a partner. Also, no one wants to have a partner who doesn't understand their jokes. We can all agree that laughing at your own jokes alone is no fun.
Not understanding each other's jokes is one of the first indications that you're not compatible. It could also mean you don't understand each other's thinking patterns. This is more frequent in couples who are from different age groups.
For example, if you're dating someone 10 years older than you (or more), your partner could make politically incorrect jokes that would be funny if this were the 90s. Instead of amusing you, it would definitely make you irritated or angry.
Your partner's jokes could also help you understand what kind of person they are and what their interests are. If for example your partner is an old soul and loves all the oldies from movie classics to jazz, his jokes may include references from those classics.
If you don't share these interests, you won't understand his jokes, which brings you back to the fact that you don't share his interests. So look out for this, humour is quite important.
Some people can't imagine going a day without sex while some can't stand the thought of having bumping genitals every day. It's also important to note that sex drives aren't gender-based. I think the world has come to the realization that women can have pretty high sex drives too and men can have really low ones.
No matter how you try to ignore it, it's going to become a problem at some point. Sex is a major tool for connection in relationships. If one person is constantly feeling sexually deprived, the relationship will suffer. The same applies if one person feels pressured. So, if you have a high sex drive, try to find a partner who’s on the same level with you in terms of desire.
The best time to ask about each other's visions and dreams for the future is on the first date. This means as early as possible! If you feel like his goals aren't headed in the same direction as yours, don't try to act like nothing is wrong. You two will never last if you have mismatched expectations of the future.
Unless you don't plan to be in a lasting relationship with this person, it's important that their goals align with yours. Most people hold back from asking these questions because they're afraid of scaring their date away. Having a partner whose dreams are completely disjointed from yours will inevitably end badly. So, the earlier you find out, the better.
You've got to know and own your attachment style. When you do, it would be easier to find a partner who’s on the same page with you. Some people like having a clingy partner, they don't mind sharing bodily contact with them as often as possible. On the other hand, some can't stand it, they feel it's obsessive behavior. These two categories of people could never be together.
People who are popularly termed clingy usually fall under the anxious or anxious-avoidant category. While the people who prefer to bypass intimacy are under the avoidant category. İf you're anxious or anxious-avoidant, there's no need to pretend to be indifferent about physical touch. Trust me you don't want to play that game of cat and mouse, it gets very frustrating over time.
Most people think that having that intense spark when you first meet a person is a good thing. This isn't always the case, in fact, it's not really advised. Most times an immediate, intense spark is not actually an indicator of love, desire, or compatibility, rather, it could be an indicator of some suppressed insecurities or fears.
This occurrence is also known as limerence. It's that intense and obsessive feeling you get when you meet someone new. It's often mistaken for desire and hardly ever ends well. Most couples who experience limerence at the initial stages, end up with a rude awakening a few months later when reality hits.
A couple does not necessarily have to like all the same things. In fact, most successful couples have varying interests. The problem is never in the variance, there's only a problem when each party does not respect the other's unique interests or hobbies.
So one person may prefer to go to an art gallery during their free time while the other prefers to go to the movies. While each person couldn't care less about the other person's interests, it's very possible to respect them nonetheless.
If your boyfriend often makes you feel bad or inferior just because you do not share in their interests, that's a major sign that you're a bad match. This is also true if they make fun of your interests instead of respecting them.
Mistakes are inevitable in relationships, we're all human so you can't expect less. However, recurring mistakes in adult relationships are more than just mistakes, they're a result of something deeper.
First of all, it depends on what you consider a mistake. Your version of a mistake may simply be something your partner does that hurts you. This recurring attitude may just be who your partner truly is. That's why it keeps repeating itself.
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He probably isn’t conscious of when he's doing these things because it's part of who he is. This is a sign that you're just not compatible. No matter how many times you fight and make up, that ‘mistake’ is going to keep occurring and it's going to make your life hard.
In most incompatible relationships, the couples find it hard to sit and have a conversation. It's either one party or both find the other boring. Not because they actually are, but because they're not interested in the other person's life.
When you're with your perfect match, you'd be genuinely interested in their lives; what they do, their jobs, who their friends are, etc. Even the mundane everyday activities in their lives are a concern to you. You'd want to hear how their day went or how their gym session went. You'd be invested in their lives and their progress.
On the other hand, in incompatible relationships, one person hardly cares about the other's affairs, or both couples are indifferent about the other's life. This is not because they don't make an effort, they just can't seem to care.
Every couple argues once in a while, it's not everything you'd agree on 100% of the time. However, there's a limit to it. If every conversation you have is an argument, then there's a problem with communication.
The only reason some couples are still together is because of the sex. Sometimes, even when all they do is argue, some couples stick together just because they have a healthy bedroom life. If this is what your relationship has been reduced to, then you're definitely in an incompatible relationship.
It's possible for your sex life to be excellent even when you’re a terrible match. However, sometimes your incompatibilities will reflect in the bedroom. There's a difference between affection and having an uncontrollable drive.
Just because you love each other's physical characteristics, doesn't mean that you necessarily understand this person at all. Intercourse can be purely physical and have nothing to do with love or compatibility.
If you notice you're having this kind of sex, then it's an early indication of your incompatibilities. Intercourse shouldn't just be about getting to a climax, it should be one of the many expressions of your love for your partner. If these expressions don't exist, it may be impossible to build a life together.
If you can't be yourself around your partner, then you're looking at a major red flag here. The very essence of being with someone is to experience them in their entirety. You can't do this if you both aren't being your true selves.
There are couples whose behavior differs significantly, so they feel the need to pretend or hold back when they’re together. If this is you, it means you don't trust your partner to truly love every aspect of you. If you hear a song you like over the radio and you start to sing along then he makes you feel stupid for it, then you're probably not compatible.
There's a little bit of jealousy in any relationship, it's normal to want your partner all to yourself. However, when there's too much jealousy, it shows a lack of trust. When you're on the same page with your partner in a general sense, you tend to organically begin to trust them. A lack of trust can be an indicator that you aren't compatible with your partner.
İf you and your partner are excessively jealous, you definitely do not trust each other. This will affect your freedom and your partner's freedom. You'd start to feel limited, you can't talk to who you want to, you can't go out when you want to. That's not a life you want to live, if he truly loves you, he’ll let you have your freedom.
When you're in love with someone, most moments with them are satisfying. It's not every second or every moment that you will have exciting moments together. Sometimes, you'd just sit silently enjoying each other's company. However, when you're not compatible with your partner, the mundane everyday moments when you aren't going out on exciting dates will seem excruciatingly boring for you.
Another thing you'd notice is that your relationship has become routine and monotonous. Not everyone hates routine, some couples love the stability and security that comes with being in a rut. However, being with a partner who doesn't prefer this or being the partner who doesn't can be very uncomfortable.
It's possible for two people in a relationship to be on different pages. In terms of their levels of involvement, their perceptions, and how much they invest, they're on completely different pages. One party may be willing to take the relationship to the next level while the other party freaks out at the mere thought of a commitment.
Some couples may both want to move things to the next level but have different ideas of what they want. For example, one person wants to be married with kids while the other party’s ultimate goal is to share an apartment with their partner and own a plant or pet together. If you're both moving at different paces, you're not likely to meet at the same point.
If you can't connect with your partner on all levels, this could be a sign of incompatibility. There's no way a high school graduate and a postgraduate degree holder would be able to connect intellectually.
At some point, there will be a rift in communication and constant explaining because of the gaps in the knowledge of the former. If you and your partner are intellectually different from each other, you're definitely incompatible.
At the initial stages of your relationship, these things may be easy to overlook, but at some point, it's going to be a major problem. Your thinking processes and even professional lives would be significantly different, therefore you will struggle to communicate.
This does not mean that every relationship has to consist of two people who are at the same academic level. On rare occasions, two people from two very different fields of life and different academic levels can be together. As long as you're able to have meaningful and thoughtful conversations, you're good to go.
It's true that a relationship is not all about the sparks or the butterflies in your stomach but at the same time, your heart should still beat a little faster every time you see your partner. Your mood should light up when you meet with someone you like.
So, if you realize after some time that you're not excited to see your partner anymore, there's definitely something wrong. Most people stick around in loveless relationships because it's convenient. They'd rather stay in the bland relationship than risk experiencing the changes and risks involved with being single. The spark does not make up the entire relationship but it's important.
This definitely goes without saying. People’s beliefs and core values shape their character. They can hardly agree if they aren't on the same page when it comes to their core values. This includes financial values, moral values, religious values, and political beliefs. If your philosophy is 'spend now, life is short’, you're definitely not going to survive a relationship with someone whose values dictate that they save for rainy days.
Or, if you believe that intercourse should only be confined to the boundaries of a committed relationship while your partner believes that casual sex is necessary for a healthy life, then you're both going to have friction at some point. You and your partner should have the same or similar values all-round, if not it would be impossible to make things work.
Everyone has something unique they prefer to do after a long day of hard work. Some prefer the indoors while others prefer the sun on their faces. Relaxation means something different to different people. Some may think of painting, others may think of lazing about in front of their TV screen.
If you like to sit indoors with a cup of tea and a good book yet your partner prefers to sunbathe at the beach, you two may have a problem there. This does not mean that you have to like all the same activities.
What it simply means is that you should have similar ideas of what activities are relaxing. If one party constantly feels confined by the other because they spend lots of time indoors, it could bring up problems in the long run.
It's true that women are generally able to express their feelings more than men do. However, despite our genders, everyone has a unique way of expressing feelings, and it doesn’t always have to be verbal. So, dating a non-native speaker is quite possible.
Some people are very open about their feelings and lack the ability to hide them. They practically wear their hearts on their sleeves. Meanwhile, some others are more stoic and view the open expression as a weakness. You don't have to use the same communication style to express your feelings but if you're on completely opposite spectrums, then you probably aren’t a good match.
Even if you both have individual hobbies and interests, you should have at least one thing you enjoy doing as a couple. Having alone time and time to explore your hobbies is great, but you need to have a common activity that helps you both connect.
If you don't both enjoy your time together, one party will always feel like they're giving away a part of themselves to be with the other. If you can't seem to overcome your differences and find a common interest then you're definitely incompatible.
Some people view life from a 'half glass full' perspective while others are a bit more skeptical and pessimistic in their approach. Being on polar extremes of this spectrum could be a problem for you two.
You don't always have to see things from the same perspective, in fact, it's best to have an optimistic partner by your side when things get gloomy. However, if you're a person who wakes up in the morning hopeful and ready for the day ahead, you don’t want a partner who wakes up complaining and grumbling. You will get very frustrated being with that person. If this is a picture of your relationship, you may have to plan your goodbye.
An incompatible relationship may last for a while but this does not mean it works. Being in a relationship where you have to fight for everything; respect, love, your rights, etc., will eventually exhaust you. İt's best to find someone you're compatible with and stick with them.
You know you're compatible with a person when you're both on the same page on almost anything. However, it doesn't just stop there, you'd both need to be able to communicate freely and honestly with each other. Compatibility is being able to work together with your partner towards a common goal.
Honest and open communication is one of the few solutions to incompatibility in relationships. Be honest about your stance on all issues and be willing to adjust your opinions or ideals only if it is fair for both of you and necessary. Listen to your partner too, don't think that your opinions matter more than his. Work on finding a middle ground.
Yes, it's possible to be in love yet be incompatible with your partner. Love and compatibility don't always come hand-in-hand. İt's possible to have one and lack the other. However, like lots of things in relationships, it's possible to adjust a few things and improve your compatibility with a person.
A broken relationship can be mended if both parties are willing to make it work. It will take time and commitment, but it's very possible. Fixing a broken relationship often involves fixing yourself first (and this includes both parties). You'd also need to discuss why you both want to stay together because it's essential that you both equally want the relationship to end.
I hope you found this article helpful. Remember, it's impossible to build anything lasting with a man you’re incompatible with. Don’t ignore the red flags. Please let me know what you think about this topic in the comment section below and remember to share it with friends.
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Whether you're married or just started dating someone, infidelity rates have risen by over 40% in the past 20 years, so your concerns are justified.
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