There’s nothing worse than walking away from a hook-up trying to determine if anything will come out of it.
If you had the best night together, he made you laugh, you felt a connection, and he was (hopefully) great in bed, then it’s no surprise that you’re left overthinking after you leave.
It would be amazing if we could read their minds, I mean, it would certainly save us from a lot of stress, wouldn’t it?
Well, as much as I wish I was a mind reader, I’m unfortunately not. But, I may be able to give you some insight into what he thinks after you sleep with him and tips on how to know if it was more than a one-night stand to him.
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Generally speaking, there are two major problems when it comes to ‘what comes after a one-night stand?’.
You have the risk of appearing too keen, which can sometimes have a negative effect and send him running, or, you can run the risk of making him chase you, ultimately causing him to lose interest.
Appearing too keen, especially if he’s gone into the situation expecting a simple hook-up and nothing more, can make it easier for him to walk away. If he’s not expressed that he’s willing to commit to anything more than sex, he probably doesn’t want to hear that you think you’d have a great future together (even though it may be true).
So, the obvious path to take is to make him chase you, right? Make it seem like you’re not that interested, leave him wanting more, and he’s guaranteed to come running back… Well, that’s not always the case.
Casual sex relationships are incredibly common,1 and it wouldn’t be unusual for him to think that you’re fine with just having hot sex and nothing more.
As common as hook-ups are, the definition is pretty broad when it comes to the true meaning of your casual relationship as every individual is different. According to The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, “‘Hooking up’ is used to describe one-time or episodic sexual activity that occurs outside the context of a committed relationship.”
But, this term will never truly encapsulate what it means for both individuals involved and the nature of their relationship.1
In every hook-up there is a potential for something further. If you have sexual chemistry and like each other enough to sleep together then there’s always the potential for a relationship whether it’s romantic or just friendly.
Making him chase you, although it can be effective, is too risky if you are genuinely interested in having a relationship with him. It would be much wiser to just be yourself. That doesn’t mean you have to tell him every thought you have about him, but showing a casual interest may spark feelings in him for you that he didn’t know he had.
Let him get to know you, and show him that you’re interested in getting to know him. You may decide to hook-up again, or you may decide to go on a date this time. The fact that casual sex is so common means that it’s easier to get to know this person even after you’ve had sex.
Sometimes, friends decide to enter a friends with benefits relationship, or you may frequently have sex with a colleague, an acquaintance, or someone you’ve met on a dating app.
Whatever the situation, using this time to be the real you and to simply get to know one another is your best chance at any relationship development.
Most people seek casual sex relationships to experiment, for physical pleasure or even as a result of alcohol consumption.2
Women typically choose their sexual partners based on the probability for long-term commitment whereas men typically choose their partners for social reasons such as status enhancement.2
Whatever the reason, you never really know what can come from it in the long run. Some of the best relationships begin with casual sex.
As much as you’ll never be able to know exactly what a guy thinks after you sleep with him, there are a few tell-tale signs to know if it’s more than just a one-night stand to him.
If he asks to see you again, he clearly likes you. Whether it’s romantic, friendly, or he’s looking to sleep with you again.
It also depends on how he asks to see you again. If he says ‘let’s do this again’, then he’s probably looking for another hook-up.
I also want to point out that there’s no harm in frequently hooking up with somebody that you’re interested in, unless it begins to hurt your feelings. If you get to the stage where you know you want something more but he makes it clear that nothing romantic will come from it, then it’s probably time to call it quits.
But, if you’ve had sex just once and would be more than willing to sleep with him again without the promise of a relationship then by all means enjoy yourself! From here, your relationship may develop or it may continue strictly sexually.
Clarity is important, but not in the early days when you’re just having fun.
If he actively sends you a message or calls you, he’s looking to carry on a conversation.
This is a sign that he wants to get to know you better. Again, in the early stages of a casual sex relationship it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s looking to enter a relationship with you. But, it means he liked you enough to find out more.
Spending the night together, or spending a few hours on a booty call are two very different things.
If his only intentions are to just have sex with you, then it wouldn’t be unusual for you to leave afterward.
Spending the night together shows a certain level of commitment. Whether he enjoys your company or wants to use the extra time to get to know you, it’s certainly something. You may even spend your steamy night having sex multiple times; if so, good for you!
I don’t know about you but I don’t fall asleep easily unless it’s with a partner. There’s also the matter of the morning after.
If you’ve gone home with this guy after a night out, then it would naturally make sense for you to sleep over, but you’d usually be out of there pretty quickly the morning after. If there’s no rushing you, you spend the morning talking or he even offers to make you breakfast then it’s a pretty good sign that he’s interested in getting to know you better.
Generally speaking, most guys won’t talk about your future together in the early stages. I’m not talking about marriage and babies, but he might say something like "there's a concert I want to go to next month if you wanna come with me?” or “I can’t wait for you to meet my friends.”
Basically, any indication that he wants to make plans with you later is a good sign.
What you talked about during your time together is important.
If it was simply sex, many guys wouldn’t make the effort to get to know you.
If he asked about your family, your friends, your work, what you’re interested in, and in turn is open about his own life, then he’s clearly enjoyed getting to know you and may want to see you again.
Some men (the best kind) really care if you reached climax whether they’re interested in developing a relationship or simply want you to have a good time.
And listen, good sex doesn’t always have to end in an orgasm, but it certainly helps.
Unfortunately it’s not as easy for women to reach climax as it is for men, and some men think sex is finished when they’ve orgasmed.
If he takes the time to satisfy you and focuses on your pleasure as well as his own, then you’ve not only met a good guy but it’s also likely that he cares.
Men have higher sexual expectations than women do on a first date.3 It may be that he’s honest from the start and tells you that he’s not looking to enter a relationship and is simply looking to have fun.
But, if he does indicate that he’s looking for something serious then there’s a chance that he means it.
The tricky thing is, when casually dating, it’s normal for you to have sex with multiple people before you decide to settle down, so it can be hard to tell if he’s serious about you specifically or if he’s playing the field.
In the best case scenario he would tell you that he hasn’t met anybody like you and he’s really interested in getting to know you further; he may say this in so many words or he may be direct about his intentions.
If he’s just looking for a hook-up, then he probably wouldn’t go through the effort of a date.
Some people do date with sexual intentions, but generally speaking if he takes the time to get to know you he’s more likely to be willing to further the relationship whether it's sexual, friendly or romantic.
It also depends on the date setting. If you’ve enjoyed a nice meal and a movie, it’s a little different than spending a few hours at a bar before going back to his place. Naturally, sexual expectations are heightened when there’s alcohol involved.3 A study from APA Psycnet found that “individuals with more positive expectancies were more likely to have sex after drinking.”
There are certainly other factors to consider, depending on the nature of the date and how the date goes. If you feel as though you both had a good time and unexpectedly ended up having sex then you’ve got more chances of having a second date than if you simply met up specifically for a hookup.
Going back to his place is kind of a big deal.
For one, if he had a girlfriend that you didn’t know about you’d likely be able to tell by going back to his place, so this indicates that he’s definitely single.
Secondly, welcoming someone to your home is pretty intimate, and people are often more likely to behave comfortably and more like themselves in a natural setting.
If he trusts you enough to take you back to his place, especially if you spend the night and develop an emotional connection outside of simply having sex, then it’s a good sign that he wants to get to know you better.
Some people are comfortable with having many sexual partners without ever entering a relationship, which is totally fine, but for others sex can mean something.
Typically, the more sexual partners you have, the more marital thoughts decrease,4 this says a lot about a person's intentions in relation to commitment. Women’s sexual behavior can usually be motivated by investment potential, but for men these motivations are often weaker.
If he doesn’t usually have sex without developing an emotional connection first, then it’s likely that you meant something to him.
Unfortunately, some men might say that they don’t have one-night stands often so that you think you’re special, so it can be difficult to gauge if he’s telling the truth. This usually comes down to how much you trust them and whether or not you felt the connection yourself.
Women are typically motivated sexually by emotional involvement and investment potential,4 whereas men are typically more open to casual sex with less restrictions on the choosing of his sexual partner.
Sometimes, sex on the first date is inevitable. When you’re having a great time with somebody and you can feel the sexual chemistry building, it can be impossible to ignore your need for intimacy.
A common worry is that if you come across too ‘easy’, then he’s less likely to be interested in developing a committed relationship. Although I’m sure some people will believe this, it’s absolutely nothing to worry about.
If the guy you’re dating judges you by having sex with him on the first date, when he himself is engaging in sex on the first date, then this is certainly not somebody you should want to develop a relationship with.
Generally speaking there aren’t specific rules for a one night stand, but there is certainly a level of etiquette to be upheld.
Be yourself, be honest, don’t forget their name, and treat them with respect.
Always treat any sexual partner as you yourself wish to be treated. Respecting their boundaries and being clear about consent is always essential, especially when sleeping with a new sexual partner.
You should always practice safe sex, especially with a new sexual partner. Talk about your sexual histories, use protection and always be clear about your boundaries.
If you’re sleeping with somebody you’ve never met before, always let a friend know your location, keep said friend updated and make sure that you’re in a safe environment.
Sometimes you just have to be patient. I know it’s frustrating at times but it can be hard to gauge whether or not he’s interested in developing a relationship from the first time you sleep together.
Separating sex and spending time to think about the emotional connection you developed during your time together is often the best way to go.
It can be easy to fall head over heels for a man who’s good in bed, yet upon reflection you might not have made a good connection. Did the conversation flow? Was he a nice guy? Did you actually have a good time together outside of the bedroom? All factors should be considered before you even decide if you want to get to know him better.
You also have to consider that he may be thinking the exact same thing as you. Sometimes, although it’s scary, you might have to be the one to take the plunge and ask him out a second time, especially if he’s shy.
There’s absolutely no harm in texting him first. You’ll usually be able to gauge what he’s thinking by the way he responds.
If you have any further advice for those in two minds about whether or not it was more than a one-night stand, please feel free to comment. Everybody is different, and speaking to friends or getting advice on your specific situation is never a bad idea. As always, share with a friend in need.