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Why Am I Obsessed With My Boyfriends Ex? (11 Likely Reasons)

Do you find yourself thinking about your boyfriend’s ex a lot?

Can you not get her out of your head? Perhaps these constant thoughts are bordering on obsession?

Would you like to understand why this woman you barely even know keeps popping up in your mind?

This guide presents 11 possible reasons why you are obsessed with your boyfriend’s ex.

But, first, I want to present you with a solution that could ‘cure’ a lot of these reasons.

This online communications tracker tool is able to track signals from other people’s smartphones and send you information about who they’re contacting, as well as when and how often. You’ll receive a wealth of data about their online activity too.

The great thing is: it only requires a few of this person’s basic details to get started. You should absolutely know your boyfriend well enough to be able to use it on him. In fact, I know a lot of women who use the tool for this purpose.

You’ll be able to see how often he’s contacting his ex. Hopefully, he’s not doing that at all. This could help erase any feelings of jealousy, paranoia or insecurities around her.

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For sure, understanding why you’re obsessed with your boyfriend’s ex is a great first step to stopping these feelings.

So, let’s now explore some of the potential reasons why you feel this way...

11 Possible Reasons Why You Are Obsessed With Your Boyfriend’s Ex

1. Low self-confidence

You are obsessed with your boyfriend’s former partner because you may have low self-esteem issues. Sometimes, you cannot believe that you are the girl your man is dating, because you really do not think you match up to his supposedly high standards. 

Perhaps, his former partner was a top employee in a Fortune 500 company, very pretty and fashionable and here you are, always doubting your self-worth and you don’t even understand the word “sapiosexual”. But you have strengths he is crazy about which you are obviously not aware of. If you were, you wouldn’t be bothered. 

So because of this low self-confidence you have, you visit this insecurity in your relationship. When you realize this issue, stand in front of your mirror and say, I am obsessed with my boyfriend’s ex because I have low self-confidence. Then proceed to look for help to solve this problem of yours.

2. Curiosity


A certain level of curiosity about your partner is natural. What happened? What was the reason? Why did their union end? Was anything done to salvage the damage which was caused by whoever?  Usually, it is normal to talk about everything in the relationship but your partner’s former girlfriend. 

Due to the sensitivity of the topic, most couples shy away from this topic. But it is actually wise to have a conversation on the history of each other’s relationships so that you can both learn from your past relationships.

3. Worry

Your obsession with your guy’s ex could be because you are worried that he could run off with her and leave you behind. This is especially so if the ex-girlfriend is a friend of your man. 

So you become paranoid and begin to stalk her Instagram posts and photos to make sense of her posts, you keep asking questions like who is she dating? Is she going to the same event as my partner? Where is she staying? What are the chances of my man meeting this girl? And so on. 

This obsession could also be because your partner spoke admirably about a girl and your thought immediately goes to his former partner. 

Then you start that perhaps they have patched their rough ending and you are just in-between them in the relationship. And because of this worry, you start to go through your guy’s phone; invading his privacy to read messages between him and his ex. 

4. Guilt

Having memories about your past relationships is extremely normal, but you may not know that. Also, you may not have ended things so well with your ex-boyfriend, so you are guilty, and you carry this guilt into your new union. The thing about guilt is once you think you are feeling guilty. 

Perhaps, it is logical you think your partner will too, especially when you know the circumstances that led to his last break-up. 

So, you keep thinking your partner thinks about your boyfriend’s ex.  Due to the regret gnawing at you, you also think maybe your partner regrets his last break-up and then you start feeling your relationship is going down the drain. So you start to obsess over his former girlfriend. 

For instance, he tattooed his ex-girlfriend’s name on his arm. You obviously would wonder that every time he looks at his tattoo, you think that the girl may have been very dear to him so he may be feeling guilt and regret over how things ended. 

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5. Uncertainty

Your obsession with your previous partner may stem from the fact that you are uncertain about the future of the relationship. Your insecurities may add to that especially when you came into the picture not long after the breakup. 

Any questions about the former girlfriend are bound to be avoided. You are likely to think that you are being used to cover a certain pain caused by the previous partner of your boyfriend, and you think that your man has feelings for her. So, to really understand the situation, you go into full-blown detective mode on his ex to find answers, and it slowly becomes an obsession.

6. Comparison

Your obsession with your partner’s former partner is because you want to compare yourself with her. So you start to ask, ‘’What did he see in her in the first place? Does he see the same in me?”. Suddenly, she becomes the standard, you want to beat her every record. 

You want to prove that you do everything she does a million times better. So even though she is not with your man, and perhaps has moved on, you track her through the internet and keep an eagle eye on all movements. You need to prove that you are way better than her in every way. 

7. Fear


It can be quite challenging when you hear of all the events that he had with his first partner. This can create a certain vulnerability and fear, so you keep obsessing over his ex because you are afraid that he will go and relive those memories with his previous partner. 

Your everyday thoughts are centered on that girl, and your fear is somehow projected in your conversations and actions in the relationship. 

So you focus this negative energy on his ex, even though she is not even a problem to be dealt with. And instead of dealing with the situation at hand with your partner, you just cannot keep off her socials. You don’t even recognize yourself because you are now an upgraded internet stalker.

8. Competition

Society has a way of creating competition amongst its members. And all of a sudden, the man is the prize, and you and the previous partner are the main competitors, even if she doesn’t know it. 

So the winner is the one who is prettier, richer, smarter, has more curves, etc so you try to be that perfect person. Even though you have a boyfriend, you are still threatened by the fact that he had a past with his ex-girlfriend. So your obsession thrives on the fact that you are a defending champion of the trophy, which is nothing short of disgusting.   

9. Jealous feelings

Everyone has felt a slight tinge of jealousy in their relationship before. It is completely normal and speaks of the protectiveness and possessiveness you have for your boyfriend, but when jealousy is constant with you, it means you are becoming over-entitled. 

Being entitled in a relationship never ends well because you want your partner all to yourself, and love is anything but selfish. 

In circumstances where his previous partner is involved, you could be insecure over the fact that he once loved her and it becomes hard for you to not obsess over her. This kind of jealousy leads you to events you didn’t even experience.  

Former partners will always have a special spot in our hearts dependent on the impact they caused while in our lives, sometimes it can be very difficult for a current partner to do that. 

For instance, a former girlfriend calls her boyfriend for a conversion. She says she is stranded in the town and she thinks that your guy is the only one nearby she thinks can help her get a safer place to stay. 

Your mangoes away and is away for long. Jealousy may cloud your sense of judgment to be reasonable about the situation. This is especially true if you find them chatting and having a good laugh over events only they can relate to. 

One thing to understand is not all exes become total strangers, when their union (for whatever reason)is over, some people tend to have a good friend in their ex-girlfriends. The case where previous partners are best friends is totally not uncommon.

10. Being judgemental

Your constant thoughts about your man’s ex are because you are judgemental. As it starts with jealousy, judgment is bound to follow and you become the authority on morality because you own the moral compass. You tend to project your negative views based on what you have seen and heard about the ex. 

You think you know better because your partner should not have had intimate relations with his ex, and slut-shame her. Why did he choose her? Of all the people he could have gone for, why her?. You ask all these questions because you want to make yourself feel better, being judgemental works that trick.

11. Anxiety

Being in a toxic relationship can also be a reason for your obsession with your man’s exes. It gets you anxious whenever he is out with any of his exes, particularly when they still keep in touch with each other. 

A toxic relationship is one where there is an unnecessary competition but there may be a triggering cause. It is because your partner may have had intimate relations with his ex while in a relationship with you. As a lady, your instincts may bring your attention to that fact. 

So, you try to save a ticking time bomb from exploding whilst having mind games about the fidelity of your man, which can cause a strain on the union.


How do I stop being insecure about my boyfriend’s ex?

Firstly, always remember that your boyfriend chose you. He saw all your flaws and still chose you. So secondly, accept who you are, find out what exactly about her makes you insecure, so that you can find a solution to that problem. Also, discuss your insecurities with your boyfriend. He is the one who can reassure you and help you get over those if he really loves you. Lastly, keep an open ear. If your man discusses his former partner with you, then it means he trusts you enough to talk about her. So you need to be open and not shrink from listening to him speak about his ex.

Why am I jealous of my boyfriend's exes?

It could be possible that your partner’s ex is deliberately making you jealous. It could also be because you are that you don’t think you deserve a relationship with your current guy, or you are so threatened by her existence as your partner’s ex. You could be trying to compete, compare or even be like her, or it could be a curious case gone bad.

How do you know if he still loves his ex?

These signs tell that your ex still has feelings for his ex: he is still in touch with her family, not out of mere politeness, but he is just too close to them, mentioning her name is bound to elicit an angry reaction from him, he doesn’t like to talk about her with you and he is defensive when you bring her topic up, he likes to compare her with you, they still see each other, he talks about her a lot, her stuff is still around; her photo is still up on the standstill, he is recreating old memories and he had with her with you, and he gets mad when he finds out his ex moved on.

Is texting your ex while in a relationship cheating?

Texting your ex while in a relationship is not merely cheating, but I would feel like you were cheating if you were texting your ex behind your partner’s back. Also, your reasons for texting him would determine whether you are cheating or not. 

What to do when your boyfriend's ex keeps contacting him?

When your partner’s ex keeps contacting him, ask him about what is happening, listen to all he has to say. And if it is a genuine reason to worry, talk to him about how it is affecting you. But if your partner’s ex is only a friend, seek your boyfriend’s help in getting familiarized with the friendship between them. If you find out he still has feelings for her, it is up to you to decide if you want to leave the relationship.


In the nutshell, I hope from this, you may be able to tell yourself: “The reason I am obsessed with my boyfriend’s ex is because…”. While there may be a genuine reason to worry about an ex, you should not allow that to discourage you from enjoying your union.

That ex may be a ghost but you bringing her up all the time is as though you were fighting with the ghost of a past you were never part of or knew. The result? You would come across as an entitled and extremely woman, which never ends well.

I hope you enjoyed this piece. Let me know your thoughts in the comments section. Remember, sharing is caring, so share away!

Utilize this tool to verify if he's truly who he claims to be
Whether you're married or just started dating someone, infidelity rates have risen by over 40% in the past 20 years, so your concerns are justified.

Do you want to find out if he's texting other women behind your back? Or if he has an active Tinder or dating profile? Or even worse, if he has a criminal record or is cheating on you?

This tool can help by uncovering hidden social media and dating profiles, photos, criminal records, and much more, potentially putting your doubts to rest.


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