When it comes to a marriage, many of us don’t want to talk about past lovers. As, because we are now in a marriage, we want to forget that those previous partners even existed. Indeed, many women think of their new husband as being a clean slate sexually, so we don’t want to talk about old boyfriends and sexual partners. Many of us will lock them away in a box in our minds, where we don’t ever consider them again.
However, for some women, their husbands want to know every single little detail about their wife’s sexual past. Which can feel very peculiar to these women, as why could your husband ever want to know about what you used to get up to?
Well, if your husband has started to ask about past lovers, we’re here to help you get the bottom of his questions and why he wants to know. Here are just some of the reasons a husband might want to know about your past:
- 1 You're Jealous Of Partners Past
- 2 The Husband Is Turned On By Wives Past
You're Jealous Of Partners Past
One of the main reasons for talking about past lovers is jealously. Indeed, you can think of it as a sort of relationship Pandora’s Box, where your husband cannot stand the idea of you being with any other men, so he’ll absolutely obsess over the idea.
My Husband Wants To Know Every Little Detail
When your partner is desperate to know everything about your past relationships – including your sexual encounters – it’s a true sign of jealously and worry about your current relationship. As, the idea is, if you learn about everything, you’ll find out exactly what it is that you liked about that person and how they pleased you.
If your husband is jealous, he will likely ask you about dates – where you went, what you did, how you felt and crucially what happened when you went home. He will then compare this information to his own dates and see how he measures up compared to this old boyfriend. This is quite worrying behavior though, as it shows your husband is worried that he is either not pleasing you enough, or that you might be planning on leaving him in the future. He may even be worried about you going off with an ex, who you might have had more fun with. This can be especially problematic for men that have been cheated on in the past, as he thinks the same will happen to with you – as history always repeats itself.
Here his jealously is mainly to do with inadequacy, so he will use these past dates as a benchmark as to what it is you find fun. He will then try to repeat these dates, but make them more fun. The idea is that you replace these old memories with better ones with him.
He Thinks Your Past is Too Happy
As we get older, we tend to reminisce about our past with rose-tinted glasses on. Which can often lead to us dreamily talking about those past times at university or when we went traveling to somewhere like New York. The problem with this though, is that we can often forget that we had that boyfriend we went backpacking with or that boyfriend we moved into a flat with during university.
So, if your husband is feeling jealous, the fact that you happily talk about these times in your life will only make him worry that you were happier then because of the man in your life. To try and prevent this, when you talk about the past leave the boyfriend out, or at least focus on the negative points of your relationship then compared with how happy you are now.
You should also try and make sure you talk about happy times in your life where he was involved. Such as when you went on your honeymoon, or one of your first dates, as this will make him feel more secure in your relationship. It’s hard to not think fondly of our part, especially if you have kids or a stressful job now. As back when you were younger you had very little troubles or stresses to deal with. Although you’d be very unlikely to travel back to this time and relive your past – your husband can still worry about this, making him feel like your regret your current relationship.
Being Unable To Hear About the Past is Also Worrying
Of course, on the flip side, it’s also worrying if your husband refuses to know or believe that you have a sexual past. Perhaps you mention that you used to live with a boyfriend during college, if he freaks at this knowledge or tells you he doesn’t want to know, this shows traits that he hates the idea of you having past boyfriends and he is extremely insecure about it.
In reality, the fact that you’re married and with your husband should be enough that he doesn’t need to worry about anything that happened before. After all, the past is the past and you chose him as your future. So, if he acts weird about the idea of you being with other men, you might wish to sit down and have a chat about it.
Is Your Past Affecting Your Present With Your Husband
Do you think that your past relationship with a significant other is now ruining what you can and can’t do in your current relationship? Well, this is a serious problem. For instance, perhaps you suggest a trip to Thailand, somewhere you went traveling to a long time ago, if your husband is horrified by this, it could be to do with imagining you with your ex in these places.
You might even find that your husband doesn’t want to go to a certain bar or restaurant, just because you went there with a certain ex. Your husband here is showing signs of serious jealousy, as he physically cannot go to a certain place because he will see you there with that ex.
If this is the case, then it’s likely that your husband might need some therapy either with marriage counseling with you or as a one-to-one so that he can work through the issues that he has. If your husband is showing obsessive behavior and one of the above scenarios sound familiar to you then this is not normal and needs to be addressed. As, over time, jealously will only get worse and may even lead to your marriage breaking down – which will make your husband think he was right, even if it was his paranoia that actually broke your marriage.
If you find yourself wondering “why am I jealous of my boyfriends past”, such as hating his high school girlfriend, then you should also consider seeking therapy. As, before you know it, you’ll be the cause of your relationship breaking down. Indeed, he's likely to leave you for someone else.
The Husband Is Turned On By Wives Past
If your husband isn’t asking about your sexual history because he’s jealous, then there’s a good chance that he’s asking because he gets turned on by the thought of you with someone else. Of course, this can be quite alarming if you’ve not been with someone like this before, but is it normal?
Think Of It Like a Sexual History Kink
While you might think it a little weird, there is nothing alarming about your husband being turned on by your sexual history. It could be that he just has a massive imagination and he wants to reimagine these scenarios replacing your old boyfriend with himself in his head.
Indeed, you could easily turn this into a foreplay for you both. As you can sit and tell him about the things that you used to do to turn him on. Chances are, you’re going to be in for a wild and fun time afterward.
You see, the thing is, everyone has their own kink or fantasy that gets their juices flowing. Talking about your sexual past is one that is actually very easy to do – unlike other things such as a threesome or BDSM which you might not be comfortable with.
Only Join In If You Want To
The thing you always have to remember with kinks or fantasies, is that both parties need to be consenting. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about the men you have been with – in whatever detail your husband would like to hear – then you don’t need to. These kinds of kinks are only truly fun if both of you are having fun. Otherwise, you will find it a chore and might even want to avoid having sex with your husband because of it.
The same goes for if your husband wants to talk about his old girlfriends. If you like to hear, then this is fair enough and it’s something that you can both do. If you feel uncomfortable knowing, then you are perfectly entitled to tell him to stop.
Before you indulge in any kink, you should both sit down and discuss what you both are comfortable with hearing and what you don’t want to know. You can also create a code word, where, if you are suddenly not wanting to hear anymore, you can say the word and the other person will instantly stop. That way you’ll both feel safer, happier and more in control.
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You Might Need To Find A Compromise
The problem is, if you want to please your husband and you know that he likes to talk about old boyfriends, you might want to try and find a compromise where you can both be happy and sexually fulfilled. One of the easiest ways to do this is to go to a sex therapist. As here you can explain the issue, what your husband likes and what makes you feel uncomfortable about it. Your therapist will be able to talk through any worries and the reasons behind your husband’s kink so that you can work it out and from there decide what you would both like.
One compromise might be to indulge in some dirty chat, as it might be that it’s just the fact that you’re talking about sex that makes your husband turned on, rather than it just being about you being with other men. Or, you could make up stories instead, so that you both get the best of both worlds. As you won’t need to talk about things you’ve done with other men, but you’ll still be able to get your man really going with what you’re saying. Then everyone is happy!
You might even find that your husband learns from your therapy why he likes to hear about your boyfriends and what that means. It could be that these are issues over things that have happened in his own life, and by working with your therapist he’ll be able to move past this kink and instead totally focus on you being with him and only him.
Overall, being a husband being obsessed with your boyfriends and hearing every detail can be very normal. It really depends on the circumstances. If you think your husband is acting this way because he is jealous, this can be worrying and should be something that he seeks help on. As, although he might be innocently asking about your sexual history now, in the future it could lead to fights and even the breakdown of your marriage. All because he can’t get past the idea that you might have loved or been with other men before him.
If it’s a kink, though, this can be perfectly normal. However, it is very important that you both feel comfortable with talking. Otherwise, it will make you feel uncomfortable and less likely to be want to be intimate with him in the future.
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