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10 Things to Say to Your Cheating Husband

by Olivia Surtees

Do you suspect that your husband has been unfaithful, but have no way of proving it?

Do you feel the urge to scream, shout and curse until he admits his wrongdoing? 

Perhaps you feel stuck because you have no way of proving his infidelity? 

If this is how you feel, it’s time to take action and find out what is actually going on.

It’s no good for your marriage or your mental health to be in this situation. 

You need to discover the truth about what’s happening, so you can move on with your life, with or without your husband. 

Thankfully, there is an online tool that allows you to do this. A discreet online tracker which will reveal all you need to know about your husband’s behavior (click here to check it out).

Once you enter a few of his basic details, the tool will show who he’s been frequently communicating with online, any secret dating profiles he has, plus a ton of other information that’ll alert you to potentially shady behavior.

If your husband has been cheating, it’s likely to become immediately obvious. 

The article below offers some advice on what to say to your husband if it turns out he has been unfaithful.  

1. You need to tell him how this has made you feel. 

Of course, they need to know how they have made you feel. It wouldn’t be fair to act like they haven’t done anything wrong. They have been unfaithful to you and the sacred bond of marriage that you shared between you. They have ruined the trust that you have in them.

So, the first thing to say is that like I said above, it is not a good idea to shout and get angry. This will most likely only lead to a massive argument, which won’t be beneficial for either of you.

Whatever you want to say to them, start by saying, “I feel…”. It’s a calm but powerful way to tell them how they have made you feel. It doesn’t spark any anger in them; it just merely lets them know how you feel. Be completely honest too – this is your time to tell them precisely what they have done to you.

Not only will they not have any grounds to start an argument with you, but because they care for you, this will hit them. It will hit them hard that you feel like you do, and they know they’re to blame.

This is undoubtedly more powerful than screaming and shouting.

2. Ask him why he cheated.

It might help to start the conversation with, “I want to understand why…”. This will make him feel a little more at ease to be open with you.

Another way to make sure he feels open is to speak to him in a mutually safe and secure place. You need to show him that you genuinely want to listen to him and his reasons for cheating, so he will appreciate it if he feels like you’re physically in a space that he feels safe.

Now I know it might sound like my advice is really biased towards making him feel comfortable, and that is understandably the last thing you want to do, but it’s the only way you will get the conversation and answers you are looking for. Please don’t think I’m saying that you need to be overly kind to him. What he has done is wrong and has hurt you to no end, but you can still make him realize that without him shutting down to you.

I’m not going to sugar coat it, this might be the most painful conversation you have ever had, but it is necessary. You need to know why he had to stray from your relationship. It might help you to understand the severity of the situation.

There can be many reasons that people cheat, so it would be useful to pin down the reason for his unfaithfulness before making any rash decisions.

3. Ask him how he felt, knowing that he would be hurting you.

This can be a helpful question to bring up, which will basically show you if he is a lying deceitful person who you should give up on, or if he genuinely made a mistake and you could maybe work through this with him.

A lot of the time, cheaters cheat because they think they will never get caught. Then, once they are caught, they will say things like, “I never meant to hurt you” but what they actually mean is that they didn’t mean for you to find out, therefore you wouldn’t be hurt by it.

As this man is your husband, you will surely be able to tell if he is genuinely torn up by it, or if he would have probably continued the affair if you didn’t find out.

In addition to this, it all depends on the situation in which you found out about the cheating and the severity of unfaithfulness. For example, if he was unfaithful with another woman once, and he told you about it straight away, this probably shows that he wanted to own up to his actions straight away and be honest with you.

However, if you caught him having an affair, which you later might realize has been going on for some time, you need to ask yourself if you think he would have ever told you if you had not caught him.

4. Ask him every detail you want to know and tell him what you don’t.

Firstly, to be able to ask your husband this question, you need to have decided with yourself first what you want to know, and which details you definitely don’t. When people find out their spouse is cheating, their first instincts are to ask all the details.

When I say all the details, I mean everything. A lot of women feel enraged and find themselves asking all the questions, especially intimate ones. If you feel like you need to know how many times your husband slept with this woman or where they did it, and it helps you, then that is entirely up to you.

However, other people might not want all of those details. Admittedly, it’s bad enough knowing that your husband was unfaithful to you – you don’t need to understand how their sex life was together.

It’s important to say that if you ask your partner for all the intimate details of his affair, not only will this make you feel uncomfortable, but it will also create an image in your brain leading to anger and resentment.

So, make sure you go into the conversation knowing your boundaries concerning this. Tell your husband clearly what you want to know and what you don’t, to ensure that he doesn’t trigger you into anger.

5. Ask him if he will end the affair.

It might be shocking to know that not all affairs stop when they are caught. So, this is definitely something you need to broach with him, and his answer will significantly differ depending on what type of relationship he has with this other woman.

Although there can be many types of cheating, for this point, we are going to focus on two examples.

The first is a sexual fling. This type of cheating can be shut down very quickly because there wasn’t any feeling attached in the first place. Therefore, if your husband had a one-time hook up with someone, you can probably be rest assured he will not do this again.

The second type is an emotional and sexual affair. If this is the nature of your husband’s affair, it will be much harder for him to end it. He has an emotional attachment to this woman, so if he says he will end it, you might have to delve a little deeper. You could ask him how he is going to break it to her or how he will get over it. Of course, you couldn’t care less about their relationship together ending, but you have to ask these questions to see if he is truthful.

It is also beneficial to ask this question before you have given him an answer as to what you are going to do moving forward. Therefore you will probably get the most honest answer. Your husband is most likely to tell you that you’re the only woman for him, that he loves you and you only and that he will never see her again. But you have to be able to see the truth in his words.

6. Ask him if he is willing to put in work to fix what he has broken.

The majority of the time, when a cheater gets caught, they will beg for their wife to stay with them, and they will claim that they will change and turn into better people. However, this is not always the case moving forward. A lot of what they say when caught can be unfulfilled promises.

A lot of the time, cheaters can feel like once their spouse has decided to take them back, they have got a get out of jail free card. They won’t change, and they won’t try to better themselves and their relationship. So, it is vital that you still don’t show your partner your plans moving forward. You need to see if they actually will make good of their promises.

You need to make them aware that it will take a long time to heal the relationship, progress between the two of you will not happen overnight. So, are they willing to spend this much time and dedication to get your relationship back on track?

7. Ask him what he think went wrong between you, which lead him to cheat.

This point can seem similar to point number two. In some respects, it can be quite similar. You still want to understand why he felt like he needed to stray from you.

However, this point asks him directly what he thinks was/is wrong with your relationship. It might also be beneficial to ask him when he felt your relationship started to break down. If he can pinpoint a specific event or time, you can think back to it and see what was happening.

When he answers, it might be useful to ask some follow-up questions such as, “Why did you feel like you couldn’t talk to me at the time?” or “Why did you feel like you had to go and cheat to solve what was happening?”

For example, in a lot of cases, husbands decide to cheat in instances such as pregnancy or after childbirth. They choose to cheat because they feel it might be easier to direct their sexual attention elsewhere than to weigh you down with their issues, especially if they can tell that you are not feeling up to it.

If you decide to work through this problem together and stay with him, it is vital to pinpoint what the issue was that caused him to cheat, or when he started to lose interest in your relationship. This way, when you go to marriage counseling or therapy together, you can straight away tell the professional when everything started to fall apart. It might make for quicker progress.

8. Ask him if you think he will do it again.

There is a big difference between a serial cheater, and someone cheated once. So, you need to think about your husband. So first, you can probably think about this question by yourself before you ask him.

Has he ever cheated before, in previous relationships? If so, this is probably not a good sign. Or is this simply the first time he (in your knowledge) has ever been unfaithful?

You need to make sure that when you ask him this question, he answers with honesty. Reassure him that you just need to know the truth, it’s not about him trying to beg for you back anymore.

Even if he has said that he will end his current affair, you need to make sure that his head is not going to be turned again. You will most likely be able to tell if his response to this question is genuine, so go with what your gut instinct is telling you.

9. Ask him why he thinks you should stay.

This question allows him to tell you everything that he thinks you want to hear. You need to make sure he knows that you haven’t made any decisions yet, and you will not be swayed massively by whatever he says now. Tell him that you don’t want to hear sweet nothings and promises that will be broken, you want to listen to the honest reasons that he thinks you should stay with him.

It’s important to note that whatever he says, should not make you feel guilty. For example, if he thinks you should stay with him because of the children you share, or that you will be breaking your family’s heart by ending things, this is entirely irrelevant. The problem that has occurred is between the two of you. It has nothing to do with outside influences.

 Also, he was the one that has broken the trust in the relationship between you, and he is ultimately to blame for this.

Keep up the strong will you have mastered so artfully throughout this conversation, and don’t fall back into his arms because he promises you the world. Whatever he says needs to be realistic.

10. Ask yourself. 

After you have had the conversation with your husband about all these things, it is important to turn to yourself.

Ask yourself how you feel after speaking with him and finding out all the details. It can take time to decide how to move forward, especially if you have outside factors such as children together. It is your right to take your time in coming to a decision.

You need to love and support yourself at this time to make sure you are making the best decision for you. In the end, whatever your choice might be, you will be doing precisely the right thing for you, and that is important.

FAQs

What To Say To Someone Who Has Cheated On You?

First and foremost, do not hold stuff back while trying not to spew out incoherent emotions. After expressing your hurt, it's advisable to retrace both your steps and find out where it all went wrong. Once that’s done, find out if he is still willing to work on the relationship. If he is, you both need to set out goals on how you’ll do better. Most especially, stress the ‘no cheating’ part.

What Should I Do If My Husband Is Cheating On Me?

That’s quite relative and depends on how far gone the relationship is as a whole. Sometimes when someone cheats on you it means that the relationship has run its course. In that case, read the cues and leave. On the other hand, it could be an avenue for you to work on aspects of your marriage that have died out.

How Do You Communicate With A Cheating Husband?

It's not wise to go in yowling, but if that helps you feel better at first, it's not off the table. After that’s over the logical thing to do is to listen to him, hear him out. Yes, there is no excuse for cheating, but, if you want to definitively find what to do, find out what went wrong.

How Do You Get Even With A Cheater?

If this is the route you’re willing to take, then you need to execute it right. Start by completely ghosting him, then proceed to look great every single time. You know what would really bite? Become friends with the girl he stepped out with and flaunt it in his face.

Do Cheaters Feel Guilty?

While some people feel really bad because they hurt you and betrayed your trust, there are others who just don’t. Nevertheless, most cheaters tend to alienate themselves from their feelings beforehand. So, they probably do not care who they hurt regardless of how repentant they seem.

Conclusion

I really hope that this article helped you if you are trying to work out what to say to your cheating husband. Although what you are going through right now is dreadful, once you have spoken to him and gauged how he feels about what he did, you will be more informed to make the correct decision for you.

Whatever decision you decide to come to, just remember that you deserve to be in a loving relationship full of trust and happiness.

Did this article help you at all? If it did and you liked what you read, please let us know in the comments. We would love to hear from you.

Olivia Surtees
After realizing I was the person that everyone around me always came to for dating advice, I decided to merge this skill with my profession – writing. So, I came about to be a relationship advice writer! Being able to show not only my passion for writing, but also my passion to help others in their relationships, means the absolute world to me and I hope to continue doing so. Studying the vast and complicated world of relationships entices me, and I am constantly striving to learn more, so I can then help others with more knowledge and experience.

9 comments on “10 Things to Say to Your Cheating Husband”

  1. I have read all comments about cheating husbands, that's very true that is what my husband is doing, but he's telling me to shout my mouth and I don't have any thing to do.

  2. Yes the info shared is very guiding and useful. My husband was cheating on me for past 6 years with same woman. Now he has shut everything with her and is saying it is all out of his physical desire. Coz yes relation between us wasn’t good. Our kid was just above 2 years wen he started everything. There are evidence tat he must be having emotional attachment too but he is saying it’s all coz of physical. But wat tips you shared are quite useful.

  3. My husband started cheating on me a week after our wedding I have tried all this write up it those not work for me he cheated on me with different ladies every week and our marriage is not up to two years in is words he is not ready to change because he use to say he don't regret his actions am fed up what else should i do please

    1. Oh dear, You need some self-love and courage to end this relationship. He clearly doesn't respect you and if you both haven't been in marriage counseling or individual therapy, then make him get out! He is not an example you want your child to learn from regarding love, respect, committment, relationships and marriage. I am sending you courage and positive energy to take care of yourself and your child and let him go.

  4. Everything you covered is exactly what my situation is. I know the reality of my situation is that is over.
    He's a Bipolar Narcissistic Liar. You wouldn't believe the stories he's come up with, its to the point he's put me in therapy.

    Thank you for confirming my truth.

  5. Thank you for that information on why those my husband desires for.me to sleep with another man its just so true and those make lots os sence i being in this relationships he already left me for another women once and then he came back on his return things never got better but worse little by little well all of a suden he stops leeping with me he stared sleeping in the livingroom and.me.in my bedroom couldent help my self to ask him why was he doing that i cried many many nights couldent understand.anything thats was happing to make this story short i just need help in how to let go of this toxin relationahip yes we have one daughter but he dosent soend any time with her he gets home.and his focus and comunication is being on the phone im talking for hours im just so sick of this i jeed to break off completely from this im just so scared of being alone

  6. I have been in a toxic relationship for twelve yrs now he alway says sorry but again n again he repeats cheating he doesnt have boundaries on who to cheat with he tried not once to ask my big sister for sex but my sister refused, i used to stay with my nieces he tried them too but he didnt succed, we have three kids and my worry is that our first girl has grown she is twelve yrs now without the boundaries am worried he might try it on my girl

  7. Wat I do when i wanted to start my second journey of life and someone was there to help me bt he also cheated on me.first he built trust and then back off...... I'm too worried about this

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