John Gray’s book’s title said it all; men are from Mars; women are from Venus. We think differently, act, and expect the same thing from each other but in different ways. Both genders hardly ever know what’s on the others’ minds, even when they pretend to do so.
Many male relationship experts have advised women to implement the ‘no contact rule’ if they’re interested in getting their ex back. Many women have testified that this works, but none understand the dynamics behind it. As a woman, I’m not afraid to admit that I’m curious about what goes on in a man’s mind when you keep him at arm’s length.
Does he sit around in his PJs all day with a bucket of ice cream like most ladies do? Does he also wait by his phone for a long time, hoping you’d call?
Well, we’ll know in a minute, buckle your seat belt and let me take you through 11 things that go through his mind during the no contact rule period.
Table of Contents
Most men’s first reaction to the no contact rule is confusion; they initially spend some time trying to wrap their heads around everything. He’ll try to find out what exactly changed, mostly if he’s used to you calling first or responding immediately to his messages. This time, you’re not trying to get him back or begging him to come home, what’s happening?
Most men at this point won’t try to reach you just yet; they’d wait for a bit to see if perhaps your phone fell down the toilet or got lost. They’d be expecting you to come knocking on their door or reach them on other platforms like Facebook. The next phase of this confusion would be to check your Instagram or Snapchat to see if you posted any sad stories or rants.
When he sees none, his mind is going to be filled with questions about why you changed so drastically, it's these questions that would keep you on his mind. This is a very good thing on your part because the less he knows and the less he sees you, the more you’d be on his mind.
Your ex probably thought you’d be the first to reach out; even if he said he doesn’t want the relationship. He’ll feel like you either never loved him, or you’ve moved on with someone else. What else would make you not want to come back to him?
With you being on his mind so much, he’d automatically start missing you more, since he’s used to hearing from you and seeing you on social media. The fact that he can’t see you and doesn’t know what your reaction or feelings are at the moment would be very uncomfortable for him.
He won’t understand why you seemed so upset when you guys broke up, but you aren’t acting desperate like he expected you to. He doesn’t get why you aren’t feeding into his late-night messages or his booty call traps. “Was the relationship even important to her?” “did my ex ever love me?” Those questions are probably torturing him.
At this point, when he hasn’t heard from you in a long while, he’ll have some time to think about his behavior. Experiencing the single life on his own for a while is bound to take a toll on his thinking pattern. He’ll start missing all the attention he got from you, which will make him regret all the times he took advantage of that.
The distance and silence will make him start to value your person, and suddenly he’ll feel wrong about the way he treated you. The saying; “you don’t know what you have until you lose it” will suddenly become so real to him. Some men at this point would try to numb the uncomfortable or painful feelings with lots of activity, even though they really want to reach out.
For instance, they’ll go partying and living their ever so anticipated bachelor’s life. They’d probably drown themselves in one-night stands trying to replace the regretful thoughts. Unfortunately, this never works, primarily if he’s a mentally healthy individual, he’ll soon get tired of all that.
Most guys that require the ‘no contact treatment’ are often men who have commitment phobia. So at this point, he’ll be torn between hanging on to his ever so precious, no commitment lifestyle or going after the woman he’s been thinking about. The thought of losing his freedom and emotional independence scares the crap out of him.
He knows he may be ready for all that someday, but his dilemma is that you may not stick around that long. Not just that, the thought of never seeing you or hearing from you again is quite daunting for him. What’s even worse is the thought of seeing you with someone else, someone better than he is.
Your ex knows he only has limited time to decide if he should come after you, at this point he has to decide if his feelings for you are stronger than his commitment phobia. It’s a tough choice but it's one that your ex needs to make and fast!
All this time alone would give your ex a chance to consider different scenarios. Unfortunately, most of these would be the worst ones. Considering the situation, most of his thoughts would be centered on the fear of losing you. At this point, irrational thoughts like; you getting married to the perfect man and having the perfect kids.
Moving into the perfect home and being super successful and loved by another person. His natural human need to be part of something will kick in, and your ex may start to feel isolated and left out.
His mind is his greatest enemy at this stage, cause all he’ll have to think about is his failed relationship.
Most men expect that after a breakup, their ex is either going to go on a ‘sad post’ spree or even start posting thirst traps on Tiktok. We can’t really blame them, this is the case most of the time, a lot of women tend to make this mistake. However, since the no-contact rule forbids this, then doing it in the first place will completely change the game.
Missing you on social media, not hearing from you, and not seeing you in person would automatically erase his knowledge about you. You’d become a complete mystery to your ex, which is an excellent thing on your part.
Men tend to be more attracted to mysterious women, and most of them love the chase. So once he can’t figure you out or read you in any way, you’d become more appealing to him. The mystery is a good thing!
This is the part where your ex finally realizes that he’s messed up and needs to do something about it. The adrenaline rush he got from ending things with you and starting a new relationship has faded, and he’s back to his senses. During the no-contact period, self-doubt will kick in and your ex may begin to question his attractiveness.
He will also question his ability to make meaningful human connections. Most men have the misconception that once they break up with their ex, they’re going to meet the perfect woman and have a swell life.
They soon discover that even with a new, seemingly better person, they’d still have to make an effort to deal with their flaws. When this reality hits your ex, he may become remorseful, and most mentally healthy men would reach out and attempt to fix things.
Your ex may make several attempts to contact you, but when you don’t respond, he’s obviously going to give up and keep to himself. He may even go through a few days or a week of being mad at you for cutting him off. Then, of course, there’s the issue of his ego being hurt. After he’s over all of this and has had some time to think, self-doubt will kick in.
To seem cool, he’d try to hide this from his friends and even from himself. This is tagged ‘the fake reality phenomenon’ by some relationship experts, to read more about this phenomenon you can visit this site.
If he’s trying to pull this stunt (most guys do this after a breakup), he will pretend to live his best life; party, travel, and perhaps even get into a rebound relationship. Deep down, if your ex really cared about you, he’d just want to talk to you.
Let’s not pretend that there are no self-absorbed and manipulative narcissists out there, and if for some reason, your ex is like this, then there’s no need even waiting around. In this case, your aim should be to get over him and forget he ever existed. The no contact rule for this type of guy should be permanent, and lose his number while you’re at it.
The men in this category have just one thing on their minds and that is themselves. They have no regard whatsoever for anyone else’s feelings; therefore, yours won’t bother him. You’re just one out of a million other girls your ex may have manipulated and forgotten to him. These types most likely have about four or five other girls he’s seeing simultaneously.
What’s he thinking about, you may ask? The honest and truthful answer is; nothing at all reasonable. If at all this type of man tries to contact you again, do not respond to him, keep him as far away from you as possible so that you can get your healthy life back.
No one likes to be ignored, even women. The no contact rule is an extreme reaction to an extreme situation. It will be unpleasant for both parties involved, both the person at the receiving end and the one at the executing end.
So imagine your ex is trying to reach you, sending you good morning messages, or messages like, ‘what are you up to?’, ‘wanna come over?’ and he keeps getting no response; this will tick him off. Some men would try to make you feel guilty by throwing the famous, “Oh, so you are just ignoring me now?” bait in an attempt to get a response from you.
When this doesn’t work, his pride would be hurt, and he’ll try to get back at you by ignoring you. Most times, this anger soon turns into bitterness, then regret, and then finally remorseful feelings. It’s very short-lived and a direct result of a hurt ego.
If this guy in question had some real feelings for you, then at some point, he’d be thinking of dropping his pride and reaching out to you.
The whole idea of the no contact rule is to give him some time alone to realize that you’re valuable. If this works out in your favor, he’d have realized this within a month or two and would consider making a genuine, honest, and apologetic gesture.
Guys are more rational than emotional when compared to women. Their minds work to find a possible solution to the problem at hand, as soon as possible. Using the no contact rule, you take control of the whole situation, which leaves them confused and vulnerable.
The average man is far less emotionally intelligent compared to the average woman. Even though they end up missing you during the no contact period, they may not even have the emotional capacity to miss you as much as you miss them. However, there’s a 90% chance that they would.
If he doesn’t contact you during and after the no contact period, he either never had any genuine feelings for you or chose his ego over you. If this is the case, then it means that he isn’t interested in getting back together with you. It’s your cue to leave him in the past and move on.
If your ex reaches out with the same careless, ‘booty call-seeking’ tone he used on you before the no contact rule, you should continue to ignore him. However, if he reaches out with a genuine apology and you’re still interested, then, in this case, you should give him a chance.
If he likes you, then he will miss you. It doesn’t only work with men but with everyone. Giving someone the silent treatment works like reverse psychology. For some reason, people like it when you don’t pay them any attention; you seem more desirable to them. He’ll most likely miss you once you stop texting him.
I hope you found this article to be helpful. Remember, the no contact rule is not a 100% guarantee for you to get your ex back, it’s a tool which attempts to separate you from the toxicity that comes with a breakup and help you recover your self-worth. Please let me know what you think in the comment section below and share, please.