Are you regretting a recent breakup? Perhaps your ex is hinting at getting back together? Or maybe you’ve been thinking about a past love? Whatever your situation, if you want to know how to reconnect with an ex, I can help you.
We all experience relationship breakups. Some end well and we’re able to move on. Others leave us broken-hearted and we need time to mend our wounded selves.
But sometimes relationships end prematurely. It could be that harsh words were said and one of you walked out. Or possibly one of you cheated and the other left because of that.
However, maybe you’ve forgiven your ex for any indiscretions. Perhaps the time has passed and you feel that the relationship deserves a second chance. You could feel more mature now. What bothered you 20 years ago doesn’t matter anymore. Now you want your ex back.
But how do you go about reconnecting with your ex? What is the best way forward? How do you even start to talk to them after you’ve cut off contact?
More to the point, do they still have feelings for you? What if you get rejected? What if they don’t feel the same way about you?
I think there are two ways to reconnect with your ex and they both depend on how confident you are. Your confidence will also rely on whether you know your ex-partner’s feelings towards you.
I’m talking about a passive approach and a direct approach. If you are unsure of your ex-partner’s feelings towards you then maybe a passive approach would be better suited for you.
On the other hand, you might already sense that your ex still has feelings for you. More to the point, you’re a fairly confident person anyway. In this situation, you may want to take a direct approach.
Before we get into the various methods of each approach I just want to take you through how we communicate with different people in our lives. This is important because we use different methods in different relationships we have.
So, if you try and use the wrong method at the wrong time you’ll not get the result you want.
When we first start to communicate with someone we tend to engage with them on social media. This is because this is a fairly innocuous way of conversing. We can communicate with everyone on social media.
We generally only text friends, colleagues, family, loved ones, or acquaintances. These are people we have some connection to. Whether it be personal, work, or relations. They are in our lives in some way.
Now we are getting a little more personal. We call people we are intimate with. These are the ones we love, our family members, good friends, and our partners.
We video chat with our good friends, loved ones, romantic partners, and family members.
This is our inner circle of good friends, family members, loved ones, and partners.
So you see there is a pecking order if you like how we use various methods of communication for each social group.
Some groups overlap, obviously. For instance, our partner will fall into all the groups. On the other hand, a plumber might only fit into two groups.
Now this matters because when someone falls out of one of our groups it also changes how we then communicate with them.
So your partner, who was once accessible to you via all the communication groups, now has restricted access. This is because their status has changed.
They are no longer in your personal loved ones’ category. So you are going to have to consider this when it comes to reconnecting with an ex.
Should you jump straight in and ask to see them in person? Or is it better to approach them via social media? Remember, seeing someone in person is reserved for your inner circle.
Can you see now how it doesn’t make sense to use this form of communication with an ex, at least not at the beginning?
Now we know how we communicate with the people in our lives, let’s get into the nitty-gritty of how you actually reconnect with an ex.
I’ll start with the passive approach.
Posting on social media is considered passive. Also, getting in touch via Instagram or LinkedIn are also passive.
Remember, this is because anyone can contact you via social media. So while you might be directly in touch with your ex on Facebook, this is still a passive way of reconnecting with an ex.
We might have broken up with our partners but that doesn’t mean we’re not going to sneak a cheeky look at their online profiles from time to time.
In fact, if we’re mourning the loss of the love of our life we’re doing more than a cheeky peek. We are obsessing over each post, every picture, and all the likes.
We’re analyzing them all. What do they mean? Are they moving on with their lives? Are they as sad as we are? So this is a brilliant tool to plant some clues of our own.
One way to get the attention of your ex is to post pictures of the pair of you in happy times. Add a broken heart emoji if you like to cement the message.
If you really want to just test the waters you can ‘like’ a comment or picture they’ve posted. Or add a comment of your own to something they’ve posted.
Social platforms such as LinkedIn are great ways of reconnecting with people, including your ex. You can use work as a genuine reason for the contact.
You can reach out using LinkedIn to ask for help with a particular work issue. Or see if they have any contacts in a certain industry.
If they respond quickly then take it as a green flag to introduce more personal topics. If they take the bait you can then bring in your relationship history.
If your ex has responded to your hints on social media you can up the level of communication to texts.
Texting is a universal method of communication. As such, it’s not that surprising to get a text from an ex, if we’ve become aware of them on social media.
Texting is still regarded as a passive form of communication because we are somewhat removed from the situation. We are just reading words on a screen. It’s not that personal.
So for those who are not that confident of their ex’s feelings, it’s a good way of testing the water.
The trick is to keep it light and casual so as not to frighten off your ex. If you want your ex back you’re going to want them to respond to your texts.
Remember, you don’t have to send a written message. Why not send a funny picture or meme to your ex?
You can even reference social media in your text by saying ‘Hi, saw your post on Facebook, so funny! Had to text you!’
If you text your ex and declare your undying love they’re not likely to return your texts.
Now we move onto the direct approach. This is where you have some kind of face-to-face contact with your ex. Whether this be a phone call, video chat, or meet up.
If your ex is happy to return your texts it’s obviously a sign that they want to reconnect with you. At this stage, you can ask ‘Can I call you?’
If they agree, set a time and date and mentally go through your head what you want to talk about before you make the call.
Try and keep the conversation fairly trivial the first time you speak with your ex. Use typical small talk subjects like work to get you both chatting.
The next few times you speak with one another you can expand the topics to various opinions and ideas you have about topics and people.
Once you feel comfortable talking with no awkward silences try opening up a little more by sharing confidence to your ex that you haven’t told anyone else.
Now that you’ve drawn them into your inner circle again you can tell them how you feel about them.
More and more of us are using video chats as a way of connecting with people in our social lives. So it’s no surprise that this is a great way to reconnect with an ex.
When you call someone you only hear what they’re saying. With a video chat, you can see their expressions when they talk, see their gestures, and watch their body language.
As a result, you get a much more nuanced version of the person you’re talking to. You feel connected in a way that calling a person doesn’t give you. Video chatting allows you a closer intimacy.
Don’t believe me? Imagine blowing a kiss on a phone call and now on a video chat.
So you’ve decided to meet up in person. What do you say? Do you keep it casual or dive in deep? What’s the best way to make this time count?
Now that we’ve talked about the various approaches it’s time to examine what we’re actually going to say to our ex. After all, the last thing you want is prolonged silence.
Again, what you say to your ex all depends on what you want from your ex. Maybe you want to get back together? Perhaps you miss their friendship? Or it might just be that you move in the same circles and you want things to be amicable.
Whatever your reason for wanting to reconnect with an ex, you should always start with very neutral subjects. Smalltalk is your friend.
What to say to reconnect with an ex?
Start off with chit chat about trivial things. For example, we Brits love to talk about the weather, how bad/good/wet/hot it is. You just need something ordinary to get the ball rolling.
Then, provided it’s not a recent breakup, you can move onto asking what your ex has been up to, how are they, how are they going?
If the breakup is recent then steer clear of this subject, for the time being, it might be a bit too raw still. If the reason for meeting up is to get back with your ex then don’t start off talking about this. It may put your ex off.
If your ex is a fan of certain sports or band you can let them know about any forthcoming events. This shows them that you’ve remembered their passions.
If everything is going well now is the time to recall some fun memories you both share. You can ask if they remember a special holiday you had. Or your first date when you were both so nervous. Reconnecting over the past evokes powerful feelings.
Finally, if it’s clear that your ex has feelings for you it’s time to address what went wrong in the relationship. You can offer your apology or accept their forgiveness.
If the atmosphere feels right you can broach the subject of getting back together. Make sure you are confident if you want to ask your ex back.
One thing we tend to forget is that we do the majority of our communicating through body language. We pick up subtle clues and hints that the other person might not even know they’re giving away.
Consequently, it’s good to know what sort of gestures to look out for. Not only does it help us decipher what our ex is feeling, but we can also tailor our body language to communicate what we are feeling.
Now don’t worry, you don’t have to be an expert in people watching to understand body language. There are some very easy gestures we can all spot.
If you are sat in a bar and your ex has crossed their arms it means they are closed off to what you’re saying. They are literally forming a barrier between you and them. However, if they are sprawling their arms across the back of a chair, or leaning into you this is a sign they’re interested and open to what you’re suggesting.
For women, this is a clear signal that she’s flirting with you. Twirling strands of hair between the fingers is a sensual gesture she doesn’t do with just anyone. Notice if she fiddles with a necklace or earrings. This is her drawing attention to her neck or cleavage.
Men that stand with their hands on their hips are unconsciously thrusting their crotch at you. They are pointing to their manhood, highlighting their best feature. If they gently touch your back when you are walking into a venue this is their protective and possessive side. They are saying to other males ‘She’s mine, hands-off’.
Men and women react differently when it comes to sexual attraction. Therefore, if you’re trying to reconnect with your ex to get them back you need to understand these differences.
Men are doers. They prefer action to words. If I wanted to turn on a man I wouldn’t describe a sexy buxom blonde in a tight red dress with legs to die. I’d show him a picture.
Men respond to visual stimuli. They need to see changes. So if you promised your ex that you’d change something and he can’t see any difference you’ll never convince him. You can talk a good fight as much as you want, but you won’t get any further until you do something.
Now the thing with men and visual stimuli is that you can use this to your advantage. Even if you’re not at the stage where you’re meeting in person. Get your hair done. Get fit. Get a make-over.
Then, start living and having fun. Post your best life on social media where you know he’ll see it. Be at some of your old haunts and ‘bump’ into him unexpectedly.
Let him SEE you having fun without him. If he’s got feelings for you he’ll act like a moth to the flame. You’ll get back together in no time!
Visual stuff doesn’t cut it for women. Women prefer talking through exactly what went wrong. Knowing that you understand exactly what went wrong. And then coming up with agreeable solutions to put it right.
For women, talking about the problem through is key here. But it’s not just about them talking. They have to know that you are actively listening to them.
Not only are you listening, but you’re taking on-board suggestions and solutions to correct the situation.
If she thinks she’s talking to a brick wall she’ll walk away. You might think that you were ok with the changes and were happy to go along with them.
But if you don’t verbalize this with her she’ll assume you’re not taking the relationship seriously.
Once again, you can use body language to convince her that you are ‘the one’ and you are invested in the relationship. By mirroring her actions, repeating back what she’s said you’ll help persuade her.
If you are reconnecting with an ex after 20 years then it doesn’t really matter how long you wait. In other circumstances, it all depends on how the relationship ended in the first place.
However, as a rule of thumb, if the breakup was recent, make sure to wait at least a few weeks before reconnecting with your ex. This allows both of you enough time to think about what went wrong. You can calm down. Any anger will hopefully have dissipated. You won’t be tempted to say something you might regret.
So although it might be appealing to reconnect with your ex quickly, it’s best to give yourself the time and space you need. It will be better in the long run. Especially if you want to get your ex back at a later date.
You can keep it light-hearted if you don’t want to scare your ex away. Or you can open up and tell them how you feel. You’ll know in your heart the best course of action. But be sincere and truthful.
It all depends on how long you were together and how serious the relationship was. If it was brief and casual then a few days is sufficient. However, if it was serious and lasted longer than a year I would suggest giving it a few weeks.
There are a lot of stories emerging where people have reconnected via social media. If you have a rough idea of where your ex is living you can always look them up. Or why not search for friends of theirs and find them that way instead?
The things we talk about change depending on who we are talking to. So assume you’re starting from scratch. Start with small talk and stick to neutral subjects. As you get a confident move on telling stories about people they know. Next, share opinions, then secrets then feelings.
It depends on why you want to reconnect. Do you want to get back together or show off your new partner? Are you still pining for your childhood sweetheart or think there’s unfinished business? It’s’ only a good idea if it’s for the right reason.
When thinking about reconnecting with an ex, remember, don’t rush into it and really think about the reasons you want to see your ex again.
So, have you ever reconnected with your ex? How did it go? Do you agree with my suggestions or do you have some of your own? I’d love to hear from you!