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How To Get Over A Married Man (17 Effective Ways To End An Illicit Love Affair)

Last updated on September 9, 2022 by Sonya Schwartz

Why is it so easy to get charmed by a guy who’s already taken? 

Could it be the maturity they seem to exude, the charisma that comes with having experience of living with one woman for years, or maybe it is the paternal affection they shower on single ladies? Whatever it is that drew you to your married lover, we both know it most likely won’t last for long.

It is understandable that loneliness and past disappointments by young single men can push one to fall in love with a man who seems to know how to take care of a woman, but have you ever thought about the implications of dating a guy who’s in a marriage with another lady? 

17 Effective Ways To Let Go And Heal

Illicit love affairs are usually hot and fast but they don’t last long unless you admit you want to be a mistress all your life. Marriage mostly takes first place in a man's mind, even when he’s fooling around with another person, he doesn’t want it to affect his family.

No one readily wants to throw away everything they have worked for, nurtured, and built. Married men dating outside marriage may lie about ending things with their wives and may even show you divorce papers. They get cunning and manipulative but never really follow through with leaving their wives. 

I guess you have seen all that and even more in person. Or maybe, you just feel bad for dating the married man. Regardless of the reason, if you feel like you need to pull out, I’m here for you. 

To make your decision-making easier, I’ve outlined a list of how to get over a married man. Hopefully, the tips will prove adequate for you. 

1. Reduce the amount of time you spend with him

The popular saying that distance makes the heart fonder shouldn’t apply to you because, in this case, he is not yours. He belongs to another woman and so you should do all your best not to see him. It is very easy to love someone you see regularly as opposed to someone you hardly come in contact with. 

So one of the first things you should do when trying to break things off with this guy is to put a physical distance between the both of you. By the time you limit daily interaction with him, he will get the hint that you cannot keep up with the affair. 

2. Have a sincere conversation with yourself 

Denial is a constant part of every painful process. Coming to grips with the fact that you are involved in something untoward is hard but freeing when you finally do so. So one good tip for successfully getting over a married man is to accept that what you are doing is wrong even though you are getting quite a lot of benefits. 

Consider the lives you’re harming by being in love with a married man; his wife and his family. Would you love to be in their shoes too? Or does the mere idea of sharing your husband repel you? Are you happy with the idea of staying as a second option in your relationship or can you stomach the idea of being a home wrecker? 

Ask yourself all these questions, then let your conscience guide you. If your conscience is intact and normal, you would see the damage in staying involved with him. The reality is, there is no happy ending in being in love with a taken man. 

3. Believe that you’re worth so much more 

Most times, what pushes a woman to date a married man is a warped and unfounded idea that she will never get someone better after her last relationship. This idea is ridiculous because there is always someone better out there. It is simply your confidence that has suffered a blow because the last relationship didn’t work. 

However, that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a lifetime of loneliness. Acknowledging that you’re amazing, special, and deserving of so much more love is a process you need to take yourself through if you want to get over this guy and get your life back. 

The moment you stop doubting your worth and start believing in your strength, the appeal of dating this guy will lose its potency. 

4. Consider the future

If your excuse for being in a relationship with a married guy is that you want to live in the moment, what about the future? What is going to happen when he finally dumps you and returns to his family? Would you still want to live for the moment?

Just think about it, you cannot move forward until you know his decision. Does he want to be with you in the long run? Is he going to leave his wife for you and even if it does, are you sure he’s not going to do the same thing to you? How are you sure that you won’t go through the same cycle?

Trust me, you don’t want to be in the shoes of his current wife, so it is better to consider leaving him now before he does which will leave you broken.

5. Determine why you’re unhappy 

Dating a married guy usually stems from trying to fill the void of unhappiness. You might be in it for the financial assistance he renders. If you are to gain freedom from this affair, you need to address the bone of contention within yourself. What do you need that this married guy is providing you? 

Is there any other way to get that same satisfaction from somewhere or something else? The answer should be yes even if it will be a bit difficult. 

Your happiness is worth working for if that’s what it will take you to be independently happy. So think about the extra job you should take on in order to pay your bills so you don’t have to depend on him. Is it the sex? If so, another guy will match, if not even surpass, his bedroom performance. Whatever made you stay with him, there is definitely a solution outside of him.

6. Consider meeting with friends more often

If you have a lot of time on your hands it makes the temptation of calling on your married lover. If you used to spend holidays or breaks with him before, start spending them with colleagues, friends, and family instead. I’m sure you have a dream vacation destination, try to go out of town with old or new friends and explore something different. 

If you aren’t in town, he won’t be able to accost you and you won’t be tempted to give in either. It is not a coward’s way out, you’re simply practicing self-preservation. By creating new memories, you will begin to forget him.

7. Douse yourself with a bucket of cold reality

douse yourself with a bucket of cold reality

In case you’re wallowing in his promises and reassurances that he will never leave you, you need a cold bucket of reality wake-up call. You are and will always be his mistress, especially if he wasn’t separated when you met him. It doesn’t matter what you do, if he is using you as a distraction from family or personal problems, you will remain a distraction and nothing else.

Is it like pulling teeth getting him to spend time with you?
The key to solving is understanding men on a much deeper emotional level. The number #1 factor that causes men to behave this way is actually relatively easy to change with a few subtle things you can say to him.

Take this quick quiz to see if he actually likes you!

Don’t delude yourself into thinking the tides might really change in your favor and that he will get a divorce because of you, no guy truly wants a woman to get half of his possessions or custody of his kids. Beyond that, you can’t be certain you won’t end up on the wrong side too if and when he picks you over his current wife. 

So to avoid maintaining the title of ‘mistress,’ you should sever the relationship and walk away now.

8. Test him

If it were a normal relationship between two single people, the idea of tests would be ridiculous and dangerous but nothing about your relationship situation is normal. Therefore, you can take your married lover through some tests that will scare him into leaving you alone. 

Try the age-old trick of telling him you’re pregnant, then watch his reaction. He would panic, get angry then get scared again. He would tell you he isn’t ready to leave his wife and that nobody could know. 

He most likely would ask you to abort the baby and even if he says he wants you to keep it, tell him you want him to acknowledge you and the child in public but he won’t be able to do so. He will start to look for ways to break up with you and then you can go on with your life.

9. Go for the kill; give him an ultimatum

How to get over a married man can be simple; ask him to get a divorce and give him a deadline to do so. The obvious reaction from him is reassurance that he will do so but you know he won’t do it. You just need an opportunity to call it quits and his reluctance to give you what you want is a very good reason to end the relationship. 

There’s no point threatening to leave him, just let him know you can’t continue to keep the relationship a secret. Pester him for a divorce, then dump him after he fails to meet your ultimatum.

10. Talk to a friend about it

You already know what you’re doing is bad and you’ve accepted that truth, you should consider sharing that truth with a friend or professional you can trust. Confiding your truth, no matter how unpleasant, to someone else will make you feel like you’re not the only one bearing the burden alone. 

A relationship where you cannot be proudly introduced as his girlfriend or woman is a toxic one and you are better off without him. Seeking professional help with severing ties with the married guy will help you start anew and give yourself a chance at actual love. 

11. Consider the children involved 

If your own parents are divorced and you grew up in a broken home you would understand the situation of the kids of your married lover. Their father is spending more time with you than he is with them or their mother. How did that make you feel as a child whose father wasn’t available most of the time? Then remember how it was when daddy stopped living with you. 

Okay, your parents were loving and faithful, imagine what it would be like losing your father’s affection to another woman who came to break up your family. Not so pleasant right? Looking at the situation from different angles will help you see clearly and leave the guy completely. 

12. Let the cat out of the bag 

If you want to push yourself to the limit and at the same time force the man’s hands, tell his wife about his extramarital affair. You can decide to let her know you’re the ‘other woman ‘ or you do the revealing anonymously via text messages, calls, or social media

The wife should know the kind of man her husband is, and by you telling her you’re indirectly breaking up the relationship because nothing is really hidden anymore. You know his wife will start watching and hoping to catch him in the act, so you don’t want to end up with black eyes. 

The married man will definitely distance himself from you once the cat is out of the bag.

13. Cut all connection

Deliberately staying away from him is not enough, you need to disconnect him totally. If there was a place of mutual interest you both shared, avoid such a place, at least until you are sure you are over him. 

Block him on all social media platforms, blacklist his numbers and email addresses and just block any avenue he could easily get through to reach you. This may seem extreme but your life and happiness is more important. 

14. Get in touch with an ex 

get in touch with an ex

This can be a final resort if you still find it hard to let go because it can come with its own complication. At this point, you’ve gone cold turkey on your married lover and you’re feeling extremely lonely. Of course, you miss his attention, his gifts, and even affection. 

When the thought that, you won’t know what being in a relationship is like anymore, sets in, pick up your phone and call an ex. The ex should obviously be someone you had a good relationship with. The goal of reconnecting is to remind you how good it felt being in a relationship with someone committed to you alone. 

Don’t make the mistake of rekindling an old flame you’re trying to let go of your current one. This action can help you regain your confidence in your ability to have someone for you alone.

15. Inform a very close friend

Telling someone very close to you about your illicit affair can be hard because they will certainly raise eyebrows at you for doing something as foolish as falling in love with someone unattainable. However, if you consider the person your best friend and they see you as the same, both their reprimand and comfort will prove useful in your healing processes. 

Take their tongue lashing in good faith that they are only watching out for you, then listen to their advice on how to handle the situation. If possible, talk to your parents, they might have the best advice too. 

16. Bounce back to life 

Dating a married man means you have been keeping secrets from people close to you or that you’ve been avoiding them. If you truly want to let go of your married lover, you should start integrating yourself back into the activities you used to do before the married man entered the scenario. 

Resume going for family and friends hangouts. Start dating single people who are genuinely available. Have fun and start acting like a happy single woman does. Before you know it, you will overcome the pain and start enjoying your life again. 

FAQs

How do I stop loving a married man?

It starts with you accepting he is not your man, not really. When you accept that indisputable fact, you’ll start seeing the situation more clearly and in the right manner. Then, separate yourself from him, and become unreachable. Start dating another person and honestly give the new person a chance to know and care for you.

How do you get over a relationship with a married man?

Ensure you are completely over the man and make sure you do all you can to sever all ties with him. Blaming yourself for loving him won’t solve anything. Just accept you’re now wiser and know better. Then, confide in someone trustworthy, resume your life as a free single woman and enjoy life as one. 

How do you tell if a married man loves you?

This is quite tricky because the love of a married man, no matter how seemingly real, is incomplete and inconsistent. If his wife gets wind of his affair with you, he will leave you. A married man who truly loves you will care for you without pushing you to do what will hurt you eventually, e.g he won’t make you have sex with him because he knows you will fall more in love with him. If he loves you, he will end the relationship before it starts.

What should I do if I like a married man?

Liking a married man is not a bad thing, dating him is. You can be sincere with yourself that you truly like him, and wish he is yours, but it should end there. Talk to someone about it and work your way through getting over the feeling before you’re tempted to act on it.

How can a man control his feelings?

A man who values and stands by discipline will find it easier to control his feelings rather than a man without inhibitions. A woman can also help a man control his feelings by not doing things that will encourage him to lose control. Ultimately, the ability to control his feelings lies with the man.

The Bottom Line 

You can get over dating a married man and still go on to live and love beautifully. You just need to cross the hurdle of letting go and these tips would help you do so. Leave a comment if you found this beneficial and feel free to share this as well. 

Do you feel like all you think about is him, but he only thinks about himself?
This doesn't mean he doesn't like you. You have to understand how he is wired. Once you do, you'll find there is a subtle thing you can say that to him that will drastically change how he shows his emotions towards you.

Take this quick quiz that looks at whether he actually likes you or not!

Sonya Schwartz
A hopeless romantic that struggled for many years to find her Mr "Right" and made all the mistakes you could think of while dating. Known for always choosing the wrong guys or messing up relationships, Sonya was finally able to change her approach and mindset when it came to dating which helped her eventually find the man of her dreams and become happily married. You can read more about me here...

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