Search icon

Why Do Breakups Hurt Even When You Wanted It?

Most of us enter into a serious relationship thinking about having a happy future that we will have with that person, but what happens when the relationship ends in a breakup? 

Breakups hurt, and the pain can feel a lot like physical pain, but it is normal to get these feelings after going through a breakup. Even if you were the one who initiated it. 

Read on to know the reasons why breakups hurt even when you wanted them. You can also find tips that will help you deal with the breakup so you can move on and start new relationships.   

Key Takeaways 

  • Breakups are sometimes inevitable, and there are many reasons why they hurt even when you wanted them.
  • A breakup can make you feel lonely so it’s important to try to connect with your friends so you do not feel alone in this difficult time. 
  • No matter how painful your breakup was, try your best to recover and move on.
  • If you feel that it is getting too difficult for you to cope with your breakup, you should consult a therapist who would give you tools to move on and also help you understand yourself and your needs better.

Having a Difficult Time After Breakup: Why Is It Normal?

It is normal to feel bad after a breakup because you have lost a partnership, a person with whom you could share your thoughts, feelings and go out with. Breakups also mean the loss of a potential happy life you saw with a partner. Breakup means you would no longer be able to see, touch or talk to the person who once meant the world to you.

All this loss is bound to make any person grieve.

Other than love, relationships are also built on habits. You are habitual to certain patterns that you follow with your partner, and a breakup means you will have to break these habits as you are no longer with this person. All these adjustments can be challenging, which makes it difficult to adjust to life after separation; thus making breakups hard.

Moreover, some people find breakups harder because they are scared to think about life without this person. Some of us who are scared to be alone worry thinking that we have to find a new partner again and go through the whole process of dating, which can be intimidating.

Why Do Breakups Hurt Even When You Wanted It? Understanding the Reasons

Breakups hurt even when you want it because you grieve the loss of a significant other, someone who used to be a constant in your life. Also, a breakup means there would be no physical touch, no sex, and no close emotional connection with that person, which can be difficult for some.

Being in a relationship can make you feel confident because of all the love you receive from your partner; however, a breakup can affect your self-esteem now that you no longer feel loved by that person. 

Even if you break up with your partner for one reason, there might be various other good qualities in them that might make you regret the decision you made. At some point, you might even think if the reason for which you broke up was even a big deal.

Breakups hurt even when you want it because there are chances that you are not still over your ex yet, and the person meant a lot more to you than you knew. Moreover, even if it was you who initiated the breakup, in many cases, you might find it difficult to accept the reality as it could still be shocking. 

There are chances that subconsciously, you did not want a breakup and just wanted your partner to realize your importance. However, it is hurting now as he did not come back chasing after you, and the breakup is real. Also, there are chances that you said you wanted a breakup in the mindset of an argument, but you never wanted it in reality.

You might be hurting after the breakup that you initiated because you expected your man to be depressed after the breakup but are now jealous when you see him enjoying his life. The breakup can hurt more if, on the other hand, you do not have friends in your life and you are feeling lonely.

The breakup might be hurting you because, with the break-up, you have not only lost a lover with whom you shared many beautiful memories, but you also lost a friend. It would hurt more if your ex refused to be in any contact with you after the breakup.

Breakups suck for both the initiator and the receiver of the bad news. So when we’re hurting, it’s easy to fall into the emotional trap of what-ifs and fears. But try to think very carefully about the reasons that made you come to this decision and allow yourself the time you need to grieve your loss and feel your feelings.

19 Tips to Deal With Breakup Pain and Start to Recover

Walking away from a breakup

Nobody enters into a relationship thinking it will end in a breakup. However, things end, and breakups hurt a lot, sometimes even sending the person into depression. 

Therefore, a breakup should be taken seriously, and steps should be taken to ensure that the person is able to move on afterwards. Below are some tips that will help you in dealing with your breakup.

1. Understand that breaking up is common in many relationships

Sure, we do not enter into relationships thinking they will end with a breakup. However, we should understand that some relationships fail due to various reasons – maybe the timing was not right, or you mistreated each other, or simply because you grew apart. 

Whatever the reason behind the break up, it is important to understand that it happens to the best of us, and there is nothing to feel ashamed of or embarrassed about. A breakup by no means should be seen as social rejection as it happens because you two were not suitable for each other, and you should not see yourself as being rejected. 

Of course, seeing a breakup as normal does not mean you should invalidate your feelings, as breakups are very painful, and the process of healing is equally challenging and heartbreaking.

2. Reflect on your past relationship

Thinking about your relationship after the break up can be painful; however, instead of thinking of all the happy memories you shared, think about all the reasons that led you to end things. Thinking about why you and your ex were wrong for each other would help you move on.

Finding the mistakes you made in your previous relationship would help you avoid making them in your future relationships.

3. Keep following your daily life routine

It is normal to feel hurt after the breakup, and in some cases, your body might react the same way it reacts to physical pain. However, you should try to control the negative emotions and not let them take over the daily routine of your life. 

So no matter how much emotional pain you are in, make sure you have enough sleep and take proper rest. Also, keeping up with your daily exercise routine, having a healthy diet and following healthy ways to live would help speed up the recovery process.

Use this tool to check whether he actually is who he says he is
Whether you're married or have just started seeing someone, infidelity rates are on the rise and have increased over 40% in the last 20 years, so you have all the right to be worried.

Perhaps you want to know if he's texting other women behind your back? Or whether he has active Tinder or dating profile? Or worse yet, whether he has a criminal record or is cheating on you?

This tool will do just that and pull up any hidden social media and dating profiles, photos, criminal records, and much more to hopefully help put your doubts to rest.

4. Take some time off

A bad breakup can hurt a lot, and although the healing process takes time, it would help if you could take some time off to process your emotions. Understand that it is normal to have feelings for your partner even if the relationship has ended. So give yourself some time to contemplate what you are feeling without any judgment. 

Understand that breakups hurt even when you are the one who wanted it, and the pain of a broken heart is similar to physical pain in many ways. Therefore, give yourself time to feel pain and recover slowly.

If you are finding it difficult to control your emotions and find yourself lashing out at others for no reason, it is probably best that you go somewhere private and process what you are feeling. In the long run, processing your feelings would be much more beneficial than immediately switching to a new partner. 

5. Talk to a trusted friend

After the separation, you might not even want to leave the confines of your home, and it is okay to take some time to heal. However, once you start feeling better, you must consider talking to a close friend, family member, or therapist. Sharing your feelings with someone you trust will help you feel lighter and heard. 

If your breakup hurts so much that you feel you are turning towards substances or are slipping into depression, you should not shy away from getting professional help. Remember, no matter how difficult the breakup is; you must feel safe.

A session with a therapist can provide you with a deeper perspective on your relationship and help you better understand your situation. They can also help you understand yourself so you can be a better person for your next relationship. 

6. Spend time doing things that you love

Even if you were the one to initiate the breakup, it’s okay to hurt just the same. To get over this hurt, you should do things that make you happy. A separation is a perfect time to start your self-care routine and spend money on things you would have considered a waste in other scenarios. 

So go shopping, take a spa, get a new haircut, and do anything that will boost your confidence and make you feel happy.

7. Do not stalk your ex romantic partner

Out of curiosity, many people stalk their ex-partners even if the relationship ends on a bad note. This way, if you even get a little positive information about your ex through your mutual friends or social media, you would feel sad as you might start comparing your life with your ex-partner’s life.

Also, you will never be able to move on if you keep looking at the memories of your last relationship. Breakups hurt because even after the separation, in many cases, there is some emotional connection left between the former lovers. 

If we keep going through the past memories, we will never be able to forget our past romantic relationship.

8. Date yourself

After a breakup, instead of jumping into the next relationship, try dating yourself first because, honestly, nobody can be a better partner for you than you yourself

So take yourself on dates, cook delicious meals for yourself, do things for yourself, and spend time in your own company. Doing this will ensure that when you get into the relationship the next time, you don’t do it because of loneliness but because you genuinely like this person. 

Moreover, dating yourself will ensure that you know yourself better and understand what qualities you are looking for in a man.

9. Get rid of painful triggers that hurt you

Mutual breakup

After the separation, there might be hundreds of things around you that might remind you of the past. You might look at these things and wonder why your relationship ended, or you might contemplate how you could have made things work. But the truth is, thinking about the past will only fill you with hurt, and it would not change anything. 

To start to move on, begin by getting rid of all the things that remind you of your previous relationship. Doing this will ensure that your broken heart is not reminded again and again of the painful memories and the hurt.

Moreover, keeping the things that remind you of the past would keep open the option of communication and thus give us the hope of getting back together, which would make it much more difficult for you to move on.

10. Write a letter

Pouring what you are feeling on a piece of paper will give you closure and help you move on. 

Take a diary and write down whatever you think about your ex and the breakup, and you will feel a load has been lifted from your chest. This letter will help you permanently close the chapter with your ex and give you closure. You do not have to share this letter with your ex. 

11. Think about the good things in your past relationship

Think about the good things in your past relationship

After a breakup, we usually think about the bad things that happened in the relationship: how our partner hurt us or how he was not the right person for us to begin with. However, in the long run, to have healthy future relationships and be able to move on in our lives, we should think about the good things that happened in the relationship and try to let go of the resentment

Your breakup will feel less painful if you think about the positive things you learned from it and use this knowledge in your future new relationship.

12. Reconnect with people you have lost touch with

Many times we are so obsessed with our partners that we start ignoring our friends who were there for us during the good and bad times. If you are one of those people whose life revolved around their partner, then the separation would have hurt you extra hard.

However, you can always reconnect with the people who once were important in your life. All you need to do is reach out to them and own your mistake. The people who care for you will accept your apology, and soon things with them will be just like before.   

13. Set boundaries

Many times even when you wanted the breakup, you would be so used to your partner that in order not to leave the person altogether, you might get into an on-and-off relationship, which hurts in almost all cases. 

Yes, reconciliation after a separation can happen in a few cases; however, it is a case of worry if breakup and patch-up happen too often, as it won't let you move on.

14. Focus on your positive qualities

A breakup can hurt your self-esteem even when you wanted it, as the whole situation can make you feel unloved and rejected. In such a case, it is important to remind yourself that you are worthy of love. 

Start by getting a pen and paper and write down all your qualities and strengths that make you a great partner in a relationship. If you have a hard time making a list, call your friends and family, and they will be happy to tell you the things that they like about you and because of which they cherish you. 

Focusing on your positive qualities will help you see the truth in yourself and help you with your low self-esteem. The more you accept yourself for the person you are, the closer you will be to healing.

15. Create new memories

After the separation, you might feel uncomfortable doing the same things and visiting the same places that you did with your ex, as the memories of the past might haunt you. To lessen your breakup pain and ensure you move on, you should make new memories by moving out of your comfort zone and trying new things.

So start by visiting the same places that you visited with your ex but this time with your friends. Surely, it would be difficult at first, but slowly, the feeling of hurt will start going away, and it will give place to hope.

16. Start dating again only when you are ready

After a breakup, a rebound relationship might seem like the best idea, but it can do more harm than good. Jumping into the next relationship when you are not over your ex can cause you additional stress and even lead to depression. 

There is no set timeline for when a person gets over their previous relationship, as every individual is different, and so are their situations. So when you find yourself laughing again and being positive in general, in most cases, that is the cue that you are ready to date again. In some cases, you can find the right partner even when you are still angry at your ex.

No matter how much time has passed since the separation or what your feelings are, the important thing to take care of before you get into a new relationship is to make sure that you genuinely like the person and are not just trying to fill the void in your life.

17. Meet new people

Meet new people

Just because your one relationship ended does not mean that you must stay away from the entire thing related to love and feelings in the future. After the breakup, once you feel ready, you should try dating again. If you are uncomfortable with that, start by making more and more new friends till you get comfortable.

Before you start dating, make sure you know what is your deal breaker in a relationship so you know what to avoid in your future prospective partner.

18. Volunteer and help the needy

Volunteering for a cause you believe in would not only be rewarding but will also help you take your mind away from your separation and save you from falling into the clutches of depression. Doing something for the underprivileged will give you a sense of self-worth and a new direction in your life.

19. Do not start a social media war

In these times of social media, it does not take much time for the breakups to become public knowledge. Many people start posting things on social media keeping in mind their minds, and put up things that will make their ex jealous or make them take notice.

The problem with these kinds of posts is that because of these posts, your ex is constantly on your mind. Also, a person posting these stories would constantly wait for their ex to see these posts and get disappointed when they do not react the way you intended.


How long until a breakup stops hurting?

Certain experiments on the brain activity of people after a breakup have shown that in the majority of cases, it takes around six months for people to recover from the breakup. After this period, in most cases, there would be some pain from time to time when you miss your ex, but you will stop hurting to a great extent.

What not to do after a breakup?

Breakups hurt even when you wanted them, but it’s not wise to isolate yourself from your friends and family who love and care for you. You should also not turn to substance abuse as it will worsen the condition. Refrain from sharing the dirty secrets of your ex, and do not think about taking revenge. You should also not hurry to get into your next relationship. 

Why are breakups so hard?

Breakups are hard because they destroy your dream of a happy future, which you imagined with your ex. Also, in many cases, we are just habitual of having a person around, and a breakup means that you have to let go of this person, which can be hard. For some people, breakups are hard because they mean they have to again get into the dating field, which can be tiresome.

How to deal with breakup pain?

Understand that it will take time to heal after the breakup, and you should not rush yourself. To keep your mind off the breakup, try to keep yourself busy and do things that you love. Make plans to go out with your friends and family and share your feelings with someone you trust. Remember to exercise and stick to your daily routine as much as you can.


Relationships are complicated, and no matter how much you love the other person, there can be reasons that can lead to a breakup. 

In most cases, a breakup hurts even when you wanted it, but it does not mean that because of this fear, you should stay in an unhappy relationship. After the breakup, you should look for means to distract yourself, and with time, you will be able to move on.

Utilize this tool to verify if he's truly who he claims to be
Whether you're married or just started dating someone, infidelity rates have risen by over 40% in the past 20 years, so your concerns are justified.

Do you want to find out if he's texting other women behind your back? Or if he has an active Tinder or dating profile? Or even worse, if he has a criminal record or is cheating on you?

This tool can help by uncovering hidden social media and dating profiles, photos, criminal records, and much more, potentially putting your doubts to rest.


Join Our Newsletter

Receive weekly tips & tricks to improve your love life.
Success! Now check your email to confirm your subscription.