Whether you’re interested in BDSM as a way of spicing up your sex life, want to take on a dominant role when it comes to sex because it’s an escape from your day-to-day role in the workplace or family life, or are simply interested in learning more about domination, this article outlines all of the ins and outs.
With the likes of 50 Shades of Grey, BDSM has been a hot topic of late, and, some might agree, for good reason.
Learning how to dominate a man in fun and exciting ways might be just what you need to experience better sex and relationship satisfaction overall.
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Being dominant in the bedroom comes down to being confident enough to ask for what you want, and getting it! It’s about knowing what you like, and what turns you on.
Many people mistake sexual domination for cruelty but it’s not about that at all. Sexual domination is about connecting to and owning your sexual side and sharing that with your partner, unashamedly.
For many women being dominant might not come naturally because of society’s ideas regarding gender roles. Women tend to believe they need to be submissive, and that their role in the bedroom is to bring pleasure to their man, often forgetting about their own pleasure.
The role of the dominant person is to take charge of the sexual scene – the way sex unfolds. But domination can extend further than sex, it can be a way of controlling someone physically, financially, and mentally, too.
The role of domination and submission can be a fun way to spice up your sex life. It can also be an exciting way to take on a role that you don’t otherwise get to experience in everyday life. For example, a CEO who is tasked with difficult decision-making daily might want to be dominated in the bedroom as a way of surrendering control.
Regardless of previous beliefs and attitudes, you can learn to become more confident and dominant when it comes to your sex life, demanding what you want.
Former Love Island Star, Megan Barton-Hanson has proudly admitted to being dominant when it comes to sex. “She now finds it empowering when she takes control.”
More widely known, Christian Grey (played by Jamie Dornan) from 50 Shades of Grey is Anastasia Steele’s (played by Dakota Johnson) dominant. Essentially, a dominant woman (or man) is one that likes to take control over their partner in the bedroom.
One of the sexiest ways to dominate your partner is by blindfolding and cuffing them. This is a fairly gentle way to get into BDSM if you and your partner are new to it. Once blindfolded and cuffed/tied up, use it as an opportunity to stroke, tease and please your partner until they’re begging you to stop (or not).
If you’re interested in some kinky, blindfolded sex positions, read this for ideas.
With some sex positions, you simply have better control over your body and your partner’s. The Cowgirl is a great position for women who want to be the dominant partner. It’s been voted one of the best sex positions - and for good reason - it’s one of the best positions for women to achieve an orgasm.
Talking dirty is always a great way to get in the mood and create a steamy atmosphere. Whether you use dirty talk during foreplay or during the act, choose your words wisely. Language is a quick and easy way to establish domination over your partner.
Whisper naughty things to your partner; tell them what you will do to them; tell them what you want to be done to you; give orders (instead of requests); use titles (i.e. mistress)... these are just some of the ways you can use dirty talk in a dominating way.
Research has shown that those who communicate pleasure during sex are more likely to experience sexual satisfaction than those who do not communicate.
Role play is where a couple assumes the role of different characters (fictional or non) during sex. Role play is a fun way to change things up in the bedroom and bring a sexual fantasy to life.
Informing your partner that you want to try out role play is already one way of establishing your dominance. The second way to establish dominance here is by selecting characters that you want to imitate during your next sexual scene wisely. Think of dominant roles like a CEO to an employee, a doctor and patient, a teacher and student.
Ask your partner what they’ve fantasized about/always wanted to try out when it comes to sex toys and use it as an excuse to go shopping!
Being a sexually dominant woman can be emphasized with the use of toys… force your partner to watch you while using toys on yourself, or, ask your partner to surrender complete control while you decide which toys to use on them. Watch them beg for more.
Take yourself lingerie shopping and pick out the most daring outfit - one that makes you ooze confidence and sex appeal. Then, make your partner watch while you slowly undress and they squirm in suspense about what will come next.
Controlling your partner’s orgasm is a sexy and fun way to establish that you’re the dominant female. Watch as your partner nears their climax and use your movements (i.e. thrusts), words, and actions to control when exactly they’ll orgasm. By doing this, especially if they’re bound up, they’ll be at your mercy, pleading for more.
Let them start at your feet and work all the way up - whether you want them to massage every inch of your body, sensually kiss, or stroke and caress all areas, demand exactly what you want.
If you want the scene set beforehand, ask your partner to dim the lights, set out your favorite massage oils, play your favorite music to get you in the mood, and light some candles. Then, be assertive about what you want and how you want it.
Become the boss by setting chores for your partner to do and carrying out punishment (i.e. spanking) if they don’t complete their chores. Becoming the boss means you need to embody the role in its entirety - from the way you speak and stand to the sort of behavior you demand from your sub.
Establishing the power dynamic/who’s in charge should begin at foreplay already. This is a great time for taking control - telling your partner exactly how and where to kiss, touch and please you.
For those who are new to BDSM and want to be more dominant sexually, starting with little things like initiating the sex, and asking for what you want during foreplay will help build your confidence.
Tease him by talking dirty, using touch (i.e. rubbing his thigh while you’re out and about), and making use of suggestive hints. And then, make him wait for the sex. The longer you tease him and make him wait, the more he’ll crave you. And, the more explosive and enjoyable the sex will be.
There’s nothing like building up sexual tension between a couple to ensure great sex.
If you’re usually quiet or timid, changing your attitude in bed to become dominant and in charge is already a sure way to turn your partner on. Unleash your naughty side, call the shots, make your pleasure a priority, and take control of the situation.
When your partner sees your confidence, he’ll know you mean business!
Before engaging in any BDSM it’s vitally important that you and your partner talk about your limits (what is acceptable and not) and establish a safe word. A safe word is a word the two of you agree on beforehand so if things become too heated/painful/unenjoyable you use the word to end all activity.
You and your partner must be respectful of each other and on the same page in terms of your expectations for things to remain pleasurable.
As the dominant partner, it’s also your responsibility to account for the safety and well-being of your partner. Keep an eye on them to make sure they’re enjoying the sex as much as you are. If you’re unsure, ask them or pay close attention to their behavior.
They might feel uncomfortable using the safe word if they’re new to all of this, so keep an eye out for any unusual signs/signs that they’re not comfortable/no longer feeling safe.
Impact play is the act of consensual spanking/smacking during sexual activities. It ranges in intensity from soft taps to hard spanks. Impact play can make use of toys like whips or paddles, or simply your hands. Some people find the combination of pain and pleasure to be a massive turn-on.
If you’re wondering how to be a dominant female, with the consent of your partner, impact play can be very exciting.
If things get too heated, don’t forget to use your safe word!
Temperature play is a fairly easy way to turn up the heat.
Using different substances, warmth and cold are used to stimulate and excite the senses. From ice cubes to massage candles and vibrators that heat up, the options are pretty endless regarding temperature play.
“Temperature play introduces a new way of experiencing pleasure that you're likely not used to. Plus, your neurology responds to temperature variation naturally — and for some, this can add to erotic response or help unearth kinks we didn't know we had,” says Carol Queen, PhD, a sexologist for sex-toy retailer Good Vibrations.
Some couples are aroused by the idea of restrictive play. Restrictive play can mean anything from being tied up or handcuffed to the use of gags, collars, and leashes.
Being flirty and suggestive over text may be an easy way to start dominating your man. Make sure, however, that the flirtatious texting/sexting is consensual before you run into trouble. You can begin by sending an innocent text like “thinking of you…” or, if you’re more confident, let him know what you’d like to do tonight. Here’s a list of suggestive texting ideas that’s sure to drive you both wild.
Showing your partner that you genuinely care about them appeals to their softer, emotional side. Ask them about their day, about work, or about their family. Listen intently to their replies and give sound advice. When your partner sees you genuinely care about them they’ll likely be more open and receptive to playful texting/sexting, too.
You don’t have to start by sending full-blown nudes. In fact, you never have to send those. Sending a photo of yourself looking hot in a new outfit you’ve just purchased, or sending a cute selfie with a sexy caption is sure to do the trick too. Men are visually stimulated, so sending photos is a sure way to get their minds racing.
Once you’ve built up your confidence, being straight-up about what you want is one of the ways to dominate your man over text. Want him to come over? Say it. Thinking of him? Tell him.
This is where you need to leave some room for his imagination to run wild. Don’t serve him with everything at once. You need to leave him wanting more. Tease him by hinting at what you’re thinking about or want to do without saying it outright.
Shy to say how you feel or what you’re thinking about? Let emojis do the talking for you. In today’s day and age most people are familiar with the sexual connotations associated with the likes of the eggplant emoji, the water splash, or the peach but if you need to educate yourself, here’s a great list.
Female domination starts with owning your power and your sexuality. It’s about unashamedly exploring and establishing what you like sexually and demanding that these needs are met during foreplay and/or intercourse. You need to develop confidence and assertiveness to carry out your role as a female dom. Many women also need to work on abandoning stereotypes and gender roles that have been engrained for many generations.
Start as slowly as you like. Reading up about it, watching videos, and talking to a professional about the ins and outs will help you get the gist of it to begin with. Then, something as simple as initiating sex will help you on your way to establishing your dominance.
Communicating openly and honestly with your partner from the get-go is also a vital step that needs to be taken to ensure you’re both on the same page and have given consent. They say great sex starts with great communication.
“Dr. Stephanie Hunter Jones, a certified sex therapist, works with couples to introduce BDSM into their bedrooms — and she told Motto that she’s seen the practice completely revive partnerships.” If both partners are on the same page regarding their sexual and relationship goals, BDSM can impact your relationship positively.
The dominant’s responsibilities include taking control of the sex scene, making demands, prioritizing their pleasure, punishing their submissive partner when they’re disobedient, and making sure everyone’s health and safety are taken care of.
If you’re looking for a steamy way to spice up your relationship and sex life, domination might be an interesting avenue to explore.
It’s important to remember to start out by communicating your wants and desires with your partner before taking the plunge. For this form of BDSM to have positive effects on a relationship both partners need to be on the same page and be consensual.
Once you’ve established that this is something you both want to try out, my suggestion would be to start slowly with small and simple steps.
As the dominant partner, you also need to remain aware of the safety and well-being of all parties at all times. Do some research before getting started and make sure you’re well-equipped in case of an emergency.
Lastly, remember to have fun. That’s what this is all about.