If your husband has asked you if you’d consent to sleeping with other men, it’s totally understandable that you might panic. After all, monogamy is drilled into our brains from a young age and anything outside of this standard can feel a little peculiar at first thought.
However, becoming polyamorous in any way, shape, or form can do wonders for your relationship and may show you things about yourself that are hidden deep within your core.
To put it simply, that’s exactly what this is, polyamory; opening your relationship to one or more partners. The idea of wanting to see your wife have sex with another man is called ‘cuckoldry’, ‘cuckolding’ or ‘cucking’. It is a sexual fetish; Cambridge Dictionary states “If a man is cuckolded, his wife has a sexual relationship with another man.”
Upon being asked, you’re probably experiencing a whirlwind of emotions, and may even have doubts about your husband's intentions, again totally normal and sometimes even justified. But, for now, let’s consider some of the possible reasons your husband wants you to sleep with another man, then you can decide if you even want to.
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Firstly you have to have a thorough understanding of exactly what it is that your husband desires. “My husband wants to watch me sleep with another man” and “my husband wants me to have a threesome” are two very different things.
The best way to try and learn his true intentions is, of course, to ask him; then you’ll have a clearer idea of how you feel about it as well as how he feels about things.
Like experimenting with anything sexually, it gives you and your partner a bit of a buzz and helps to ignite the spark, especially in long-term relationships that have become complacent.
Sometimes, it’s as simple as wanting a threesome. Of course, it’s still a big decision to make as once you sleep with another person it may change things; for better or for worse, depending on the needs of your relationship.
Going back to the idea of cuckolding, it’s possible that his utmost fantasy is to watch you receive pleasure from another man. There are a number of reasons for this particular fantasy, from psychological components to neurobiological and hormonal components.1
Some examples of these components relate to the wanting of strengthening your relationship, the wanting of feeling humiliated sexually (in a submissive sexual aspect) and a man’s primal instinct when it comes to mating and territory.
Cuckolding can be very complex, and it can also be very simple depending on the couple.
If the reason for cuckolding is for the cuckold, your husband, to learn how best to satisfy you then this is a great idea. Cuckolding offers you the opportunity to help your husband reach his potential sexually in terms of performance. This way, he is able to provide you with the satisfaction you desire, and will feel more fulfilled in doing so.
Cuckolding can provide you with exciting experiences. Rather than doing the same thing repeatedly, cuckolding provides you with varieties of styles one can try out to achieve sexual satisfaction.
Cuckolding is typically understood as a fantasy for the submissive, but there can also be a dominating aspect to cuckolding; that being that you and this other guy are literally performing for your husband.
Your husband can control the choice of the other guy, and even control what it is that you perform on one another sexually.
I mean, it’s basically live porn.
He can also practice restraint as he may feel the urge to get involved, I know I would.
Although porn has its many many downfalls, it can be great for introducing us and our partners to new ideas sexually, encouraging us to try them for ourselves.
If he’s specifically into gangbang or cuckolding porn, it’s probable that this is a fantasy that derives from these pleasurable viewings and it’s been a long wish to experience it for himself. It might be that he now feels comfortable enough to tell you his desires (remember, it can be nerve-racking to admit your sexual fantasies, even to your partner).
An article published by The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality focuses on the discrepancies of sexual desire in couples.
Essentially, due to the fact that what we desire sexually tends to change over time, especially as we learn more about ourselves sexually, this leads to an inevitable discrepancy in most relationships and how each partner achieves sexual satisfaction.4
Their findings show that desire discrepancy is mostly in relation to low sexual satisfaction4 meaning that if neither you or your partner are fulfilled sexually, again this may change over time, you’re likely to advance to sexual fantasies to fulfill this need.
So, you can imagine why it’s pretty hard admitting sexual fantasies to your partner, especially if the fantasy is a little out there in regards to your relationship's current sexual state. Once you’ve overcome feeling surprised, take a few thoughts about how your partner feels comfortable enough to share this desire with you and it may lead you to understanding him a little better.
This is where it starts to get a little negative. I always try to avoid negativity when it comes to reasoning behind opening a relationship because it can often scare people away from a perfect opportunity for them; it almost contributes to the stereotype that people who want open relationships are unfaithful and it’s just not true.
However, I do feel inclined to mention it as a possibility.
This is where you have to really think about your husband in particular. Does he simply think he’ll find pleasure in watching you have sex with another man or is he looking for a reason to have sex with another woman himself.
If this is something that you have doubts about, then I would recommend holding off making any decisions until you feel at ease with his intentions; you should only consent if this is something that you want to do for yourself as well as for you man.
Your husband might just want you to have the utmost satisfaction sexually, he wants you to have a taste of something different. Introducing an entirely different sex to you might be his way of doing that.
Also, rather than having to watch pornography to learn how to satisfy you, your husband might want a more experienced man to show him how best to do it. This can be very informative as well as arousing.
It’s quite surprising but most men love watching women receive pleasure. If your husband thinks that you may have a better time elsewhere, this could get him going even more than if he was the one at the hand of your satisfaction.
Again, we want to avoid leaning towards the stereotype, but I feel inclined to mention that it’s a possibility that he’s questioning his sexuality. Watching you with another man, or even getting involved with you and another man may help him to work through any thoughts or doubts he might have been having.
I think it’s safe to say that many people have gay thoughts and never get the opportunity to explore this.
I must say, if this is the case it’s likely that there will be other much more prominent signs and this alone (him suggesting you sleep with other men) doesn’t mean that he’s questioning his sexuality, but tied with other signs it just might.
Sex is great, and so is porn when you’re in the mood for it.
If your husband is generally a really sexual man, then it wouldn’t be too surprising that he just wants to explore cuckolding purely for a new sexual experience. I mean, you both have much to gain from this and there doesn’t always have to be an in-depth reasoning as to why somebody might experiment with cuckolding.
There are several things that could motivate your husband to desire this fantasy. Most often, a reason for this is humiliation. Humiliation means that your husband wants to increase the intensity of his sexual experience with you by being made to feel inadequate or shameful.
In other words, your husband wants to eroticize his insecurities and shame by watching you have sex with another man. His desire to humiliate himself by consenting to you having sex with another man is a means to cover up for his shortcomings.
It may sound harsh, but we have to rule out that he's cheating on you.
Some men use this as an excuse to get out of the mess they have created by cheating on their wives.
They think that, "If I can get my wife to sleep with another man, we'll be even, and my wife can't get angry if she finds out I cheated on her".
With that being said, it obviously is not that simple and I think it would take a fool to believe this is okay. Not only is it wrong in the sense of finding an opportunity to cheat but it’s also highly manipulative and toxic.
Realistically, and I know this is harsh, but if your husband genuinely wants to cheat then he’s going to cheat, and it’s unlikely that he’ll plan this whole elaborate ruse so that you’re okay with it.
If this is a genuine concern of yours, voice how you feel and you’ll soon be able to gauge by his reaction exactly what his stance is on this.
It may be that his fantasy delves deeper into polyamory and eventually he wants to get involved in all kinds of things; like I said, there’s a whole new world to explore when you open your relationship, but this wouldn’t mean that he’s looking for a get-out-of-jail free card.
It’s also important to recognize that infidelity rates between men and women are becoming equal and according to Science Direct, “2–4% of spouses report having sex with a secondary partner in the preceding 12 months.”3
The most important thing to consider is maintaining a healthy relationship, and this is done by following a code of conduct. Everything should be established prior to finding a third, a bull or even a unicorn, and you and your partner will have a clear understanding of each other's wishes and boundaries.1
Taking the time to talk about your desires, being honest with each other, practicing loyalty outside of the agreement and continuing to show love and affection towards one another is key to opening up your relationship.
To enjoy cuckolding, there is the need to be loyal to your husband. Let him in on the latest development and communication. Make sure your convictions to engage in cuckolding are strictly sexual and not emotional. Endeavor to reassure him of his security and place in your heart to avoid any potential jealousy or anger.
Finding a third is a lot easier than you might think. The most effective way is, of course, through dating apps, but you may even already have a third partner in mind. Approach the conversation with complete honesty and make your proposal sexy; you don’t want it to feel too much like a business proposal (unless you’re into that kind of role play).
If you’ve found the right person, the rest should be super easy. Explain that this is your first time and establish clear consent and boundaries prior to the act itself.
For consent to be valid, it has to be consistent and upheld.2
After all of this, you may now know his intentions are pure and even understand where his desire stems from, it’s still okay if you don’t want to sleep with another man.
Like I said, it’s not easy for a lot of people to open their relationship as they find the concept of imagining themselves or their partner with somebody else scary. Although this experience can be great for the development of your relationship, it really isn’t for everyone, and once you’ve done the act it can be hard to move on from the feelings of guilt or jealousy.
It may even be that you don’t want to right now, but this may be an option for the future when you have a better understanding. Whatever the reason, it’s important that you communicate fully to your partner how you’re feeling.
Just like you expect honesty in his explanation of where this desire comes from, you should in turn be honest about why exactly it isn’t appealing to you.
Help him to understand what this means to you and why it’s not so easy for you to imagine yourself with another man.
After he’s taken the plunge to admit his deepest, wildest fantasies,it wouldn’t be fair to dismiss him without an explanation.
Take the time to make your decision, because it is a big one. If you immediately respond with the answer no, it’s probably going to humiliate him and cause him to shut off sexually.
On the back of the previous point, really take the time to try and understand him.
This may be a fantasy that has been building for years; it’s unlikely that it’s just now out of the blue because he probably wouldn’t be so quick to suggest it, the way you probably wouldn’t be so quick to provide him with an answer.
Ask him to explain, watch cuckolding porn together, practice role playing first. There are many ways you can try to gain a better understanding of this desire without actually going forward with it.
This is a difficult decision, but it’s one to consider. If you believe that this is all a ruse so that he can have more freedom sexually, consider allowing him to without your involvement.
This would only ever work if you were really truly okay with it and this is only ever a solution if the problem isn’t that you open your relationship sexually, just that you personally don’t feel comfortable sleeping with another man.
You may find that this isn’t even what he wants, but it’s certainly one way to compromise.
If you could see yourself experimenting with cuckolding in the future, tell him that.
The confirmation that you’re thinking about it and that it’s a potential possibility for the future is a great step when telling him you don’t want to right now because it means you’re not saying never, right?
However, only tell him this if it’s the truth. Of course, you’re not committing to anything by saying this, but it wouldn’t be fair to give him false hope if you’re certain that you absolutely want no involvement now and in future.
Compromise is key in any relationship.
If you don’t want to sleep with another man, there are many ways you can compromise to give your husband what he wants without having to do anything you don’t want to do.
For example, if he wants you to find a bull, you may compromise by suggesting a threesome. If you don’t want to sleep with another man at all, you may find a solution by having him watch you masturbate over another man by watching porn.
Whatever works for you and your partner… But showing this compromise will be key to showing him understanding and working on your relationship together.
If the problem is that you still don’t understand exactly why a man would want to share his wife, you could promise him that you’ll take the time to look into it, and have him help you.
Ultimately, the decision is entirely down to you.
You in no way should feel obliged to say yes and if the answer is no, the answer is no.
For the sake of having good communication in the relationship I would certainly advise that you explain this reasoning but as a woman who is completely entitled to her opinion, you don’t have to.
A man might want to share his wife for a number of reasons. For some people, sex and relationships are almost entirely separate and opening your sex lives to other people can simply make it all the more fun.
Typically, people jump to conclusions when a man wants his wife to have sex with somebody else but it’s mostly for enhanced pleasure, and for experimentation.
Getting unnecessarily attached to the bull can ruin things for your relationship. It is enough for a husband to see his woman being handled by another man but it is a disaster to see that man taking his position in your heart. Avoiding jealousy demands a dual effort, i.e. you and your husband.
One common mistake is repeating the same bull over time. Naturally, you would get attached to him. Endeavor to change the bulls as often as possible. If it is possible, do not repeat a bull after the first time.
Communication is key in every relationship. Talk before and after every session. If there is the need to change a bull at any time, let your husband know. Remember, your marriage comes first.
The same way his fantasy might be to watch you with another man, your fantasy may be to watch him with another woman, or you may even want to partake in sex parties or gang bangs. Whatever it is you’re into, go explore and have fun!
Porn is great for introducing us to new fantasies and a great way to test these fantasies out without having to jump straight into role-playing with your husband.
As long as you both consent and have clear communication throughout, what can go wrong?
Why your husband is so drawn to the idea of watching you have sex with another man is not as surprising as you might think. It’s one of the hottest things that you and your partner can experiment with and if you’ve found yourself unsatisfied sexually in recent years then this might just be the answer to all of your troubles.
No matter how much we love our partner, it’s normal to become complacent sexually and it’s actually this complacency or low sexual desire that leads to an advance in sexual fantasy.4
If you and your partner know that this is something that won't cause issues with jealousy or insecurities, then I would absolutely suggest opening your relationship.
It’s important that both you and your partner are honest from the get-go about what it is you each desire and what it is you want to get out of cuckolding. Clarity, consent, and communication is key.
It’s also completely okay if you don’t want to. Everyone is different and we’re all entitled to our own boundaries.
Just don’t feel too concerned that your partner has shared this fantasy with you because it might not be as bad as you think; there are many reasons why a man might want to share his wife and mostly it comes down to experiencing a new kind of pleasure -both for you and him.
If you have any experience with cuckolding or threesomes please feel free to comment any further advice, and as always, share with a friend in need.