As much as we think we know somebody, I think it’s fair to say that we never really know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. A lot of the time, I’m not even sure we know what goes on in our own minds.
When you get into a relationship with somebody, it can feel incredibly daunting to trust them. That’s not to say you have trust issues, but entering a relationship is a big commitment; you don’t want to do them wrong, and you don’t want to be wronged yourself. It can be a lot sometimes.
So, as your relationship develops you slowly ease into trusting them completely, understanding them, and you naturally lose any doubt that you might have felt at the start.
So, what happens when it comes out that it’s all been a lie? How can we deal with that when we’re taught to completely trust those that we love?
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I think we should clarify something here… People lie.
I’m not entirely sure why, but more often than not people are dishonest. Whether it’s faking a reason to cancel on a friend, calling in sick to work when you fancy a day off, or something way way worse.
Even an honest person can lie, especially for the benefit of someone else's feelings.
Realistically speaking, your partner will tell white lies, as I’m sure you have told him in the past, it’s completely normal. There’s a difference between realizing your relationship was a lie, and catching your partner in a white lie.
What we’re talking about here, are lies that can alter how you view your entire relationship history.
So, why do people lie?
Dale Hample explains “Liars are consistently more satisfied with their lies than with themselves.”
But sometimes, people can’t exactly help it. Pathological lying, PsychCentral tells us “is a compulsive pattern of telling people things you know aren’t true.” It’s a symptom of various personality disorders.
The difference between lying and pathological lying comes down to the motive. A pathological liar lies for the sake of it, with no motive or intention. A liar on the other hand, does so with full intent and is usually doing so to hide something.
There are many effects of lying in a relationship: it can be incredibly damaging to a person to realize that the one they love hasn’t been honest with them. These effects will, of course, vary depending on the gravity of the situation and the relationship itself. But everyone is different, and everyone deals with betrayal differently.
Discovering that your partner has lied throughout the duration of your relationship can cause long lasting trust issues in future relationships, and it can be incredibly difficult to overcome.
It’s just important to remember that you’re not to blame, and to communicate any struggles that you may have that are affecting future relationships. If your partner is worthy of your trust, he’ll allow the time and make the effort until you feel comfortable with him.
No relationship is the same, and it’s not always easy to see the red flags.
You might feel crazy, but believe me when I tell you you’re not.
A man breaking your trust and betraying you is completely at fault and you are not responsible for his actions.
If you’re in a situation where you haven’t yet fully uncovered the truth, I’m sure you’re probably driving yourself crazy trying to piece things together, and throwing the occasional accusation at your partner.
That’s normal. Of course, if he doesn’t have anything to hide, he should be understanding about your concerns and help you through the anxiety you’re feeling. A relationship takes work, and we all go through rough patches.
If you ever feel like you’re going insane, confide in a friend, and I’m sure you won’t feel so crazy after talking to somebody. Sometimes, it can even feel better to just speak your worries out loud and to get things off your chest.
If your partner is constantly lying to you, it can cause denial for both partners.
The liar is in denial of his lies. And the one that’s being lied to is in denial and unable to see the truth.
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Self deception is a funny thing, and can become really tricky when in a long term relationship with a liar.
Denial is also a terrible thing when both partners refuse to accept where the relationship is heading. If you’re in denial about the failure of your relationship, you’re unlikely to put in the effort to actually make your relationship work, which only increases the chance of failure.
You need to see your relationship for what it is, and your partner for his faults, and see if there’s a way to overcome this together in order to make things work again in the future.
Don’t get caught up in your own lies that ‘it’s all going to be okay’, because unless you both work at it, it probably isn’t.
For both current and future relationships.
Lying results in a lack of communication and, in turn, a lack of intimacy.
Again, this leads back to the idea of denial. If you and your partner are struggling intimately after you’ve experienced something difficult, then you need to have communication about how to strengthen your relationship.
It’s incredibly difficult when you discover that your relationship is a lie, and it can take time to come to terms with the fact that you either want to end the relationship, or feel calm enough to know that you’re willing to move past it.
Sometimes, the best option can be to take some space from one another to fully reflect on your relationship without having to see each other every day; even if you have mastered acting normal around each other.
If there’s a lack of intimacy, it’s clearly still troubling you.
A lie usually leads to another, and this is why it can become so easy to see an entirely different picture of your entire marriage if you’ve spent the marriage being lied to. This is what makes the betrayal so difficult to deal with.
You almost feel as though nothing has been real, and begin to doubt the entire time you spent in your relationship.
This is one of the worstconsequences of lying in a relationship, it only encourages more of it, and when there’s more lies, there’s more chance of the truth being uncovered.
After discovering that you’re being lied to by someone you love, it can be incredibly overwhelming and difficult to deal with.
You have to do everything you can to separate yourself from the relationship problems and realize that you’re not to blame.
I don’t necessarily mean to break up, I just mean to see yourself as an individual who was hurt without putting any of that reasoning onto yourself.
And although it might seem that the entire relationship was a lie, remember that the feelings that you felt were real, and that reflects so much on who you are and how you love as a person, and that’s never something to feel embarrassed by.
If you’ve not yet fully uncovered the truth, trust your instincts.
Our instincts can be wrong, I’m sure we’ve all learnt this, but it’s more about why you’re feeling these instincts that you should trust in.
There’s a reason you’re experiencing this fear and worry, and trusting your instincts will help you get to the bottom of what the problem is, even if it’s not what you may think at first.
If you’ve been having doubts for a while, or worry that your partner has been cheating on or lying to you and you’ve told yourself that everything’s fine, then stop lying to yourself.
You have to be a little hard on yourself when it comes to uncovering your partner's lies.
Nobody wants to seem ‘crazy’ and accuse their partners without proof, and nobody wants to see their relationships fail, but if you’ve been having doubts and haven’t taken any action, do everything you can to get yourself out of the situation.
Never be scared of confrontation.
Confrontation will either lead to resolution, or it will lead to you finding your answers which is what you probably need in order to heal properly.
We are powerful in love, and we are entitled to question our partners if we feel betrayed or worried.
You definitely need to communicate how you’re feeling. Because, if all else fails, at least you’ll know that you were true to yourself and you couldn’t have done anything more.
Sometimes, confrontation doesn’t give us all the answers we want. Even if your partner is coming clean, you might feel as though some things that you had doubts about have been left unanswered.
For some people, they don’t want to know the details, and if that’s you, then absolutely by all means spend the time on focusing to move on from this.
But, if you know that you’re going to spend every waking moment thinking about your husband's infidelity or his lies and you know it’s going to drive you crazy not knowing. Then take the time to discover the truth.
Sometimes, knowing exactly everything that went down is the closure you need to help you get past this.
I know this is easier said than done, but when your partner lies to you, you have to take the time to focus on yourself and your own well-being.
If he is only causing you pain, and negativity, take some space and focus on your own healing. We have to be allowed to feel our hurt, for us to be able to fully move on from the problem.
Relying on a close friend is also a really positive way to realize that although your partner proved to be untrustworthy, we can still trust those around us.
This will help in making sure that you don’t struggle to trust after learning of your partner’s betrayal.
Spending time with a friend will also massively help to give you a bit of an ego boost, and enable you to start making future plans whether it's to work on your relationship or to get yourself out there and start fresh.
Spend your free time doing normal things, nothing has to change for you, because you didn’t do anything wrong. Focus on your current relationships and reflect on what you need to do going forward in order to make sure that his lies don’t impact your future.
You’re allowed to be sad, angry, and you know what, you’re also allowed to not care! Whatever emotion it is you’re feeling, you must allow yourself the time to heal.
You should be the most important person in your life, use the support that you have and allow yourself to feel your feelings. If you decide to make your relationship work, or if you decide to end the relationship, it doesn’t matter, so long as you have taken the time to reflect on what you need to move forward in your life.
Heal until you feel at peace with yourself, then take time to decide what you need to do to move on from the bad memories.
If you feel completely betrayed and you want nothing to do with him, don’t feel scared to cut all ties.
Some people have this idea that all marriages should work and that if their relationship has failed, then they’re to blame. It’s simply not true.
If you want absolutely nothing to do with him anymore, then you make that happen.
Once you’ve allowed yourself the time to heal, whether or not you’ve decided to make things work, you absolutely should try to forgive him.
Not for his sake, but for yours.
There’s a few reasons why this is important. Mainly, it helps you place blame. Forgiving him, means that you’ve accepted that you’re not to blame. It can also help you learn to trust again, by allowing yourself to forgive the person that hurt you the most.
It is also a really good way to stop the anger. Once you’ve felt your feelings, the one that’s probably left over is that you’re pissed, and that’s normal, but forgiving him will help you to fully move past it.
And lastly, if there are children involved, it can help them to not share your feelings toward their dad, and you can work on co-parenting together which is, of course, the priority in any relationship with children involved.
Seeing a therapist doesn’t make you weak, it simply helps you to understand and process your emotions.
Once somebody hurts you, you can feel damaged for a long time, and seeking professional help is always advisable.
Your friends will give you advice and comfort, and that’s great, but we’ve established that as humans, even the good ones, we’re not always truthful. It can be easy to mislead your friend and make them think you’re doing okay when you’re not.
If you’re too nervous or simply don’t have the time to see a therapist in person, there are also online options that you can look into.
Relationship Hero is a website that has several specialized coaches that can help you through any relationship problems and it’s worth a look if you’re still feeling as though you’re struggling with the betrayal that you felt.
If it turns out that you’ve been in a relationship with a pathological liar, I think the first step would be to help him understand that he needs help, and suggest going with him to visit a doctor.
Pathological liars lie because they can’t help it, and they don’t necessarily mean to cause you any hurt in doing so.
However, discovering that you’re in a relationship with a pathological liar can be incredibly difficult and it would be completely understandable if you wanted to end that relationship. I mean, if he’s not told the truth throughout your entire relationship, then it literally is based on lies.
So, if you’re wanting to end a relationship with a pathological liar you need to communicate fully why you need to leave the relationship and that you come first.
If he’s not a pathological liar, and he’s spent the relationship cheating and lying to cover it up, then it’s normal that you’d want to leave.
You end the relationship however you see fit. If you’re mad, be mad. I will always encourage women to not hide from their emotions, especially when they’ve been wronged.
At the end of the day, you always need to put yourself first. If what you need is to get out of the relationship, then you can leave without any explanation. Just take the time to think about what you need in order to heal going forward, and in order towork best for you in the long run.
Yes and no. If you feel betrayed by your partner and no longer want to be with him because he has been lying then absolutely.
But, if you feel like you can work through your problems, then no.
Every relationship is different, and everybody has different boundaries. Make your boundaries clear at the start of the relationship, and if they’re crossed, you take the necessary action. Your own well-being should always come first, you don’t necessarily need a reason to break up. You just need to do whatever will make you happy in the long run.
Setting clear boundaries and expectations going forward is always a good first step. If you’re willing to forgive him, then you’re already heading in the right direction to get there, you just need to make it clear that you will only be giving one more chance.
Some couples are able to work through these rough patches, and others can’t live with the guilt and anger. Couples therapy is always a good idea to work through these hard times together and to help put in the effort to make your relationship strong again.
If you have reason to believe that your husband is hiding something from you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s cheating on you.
There are several steps you can take to find out, but the most obvious one is to confront him about it. Communicate that you’re concerned and tell him why. In relationships, we have to work on things, and that means having difficult conversations every now and again.
After you’ve had a conversation, if you’re still having doubts then you can always take matters into your own hands to uncover the truth. Lean on a friend for support as sometimes all we need is a little validation from a friend to confirm that we’re not going insane.
It’s a hard question to answer. I mean, is it okay to lie in general? Not really. But, everyone has their reasons.
If you’ve been lying to your partner and are feeling overwhelmed with guilt, then I would recommend coming clean. Lies have consequences, and if you want any chance at making things right again, your first step should be honesty.
People lie. And sometimes, the people we care about the most can hurt us the most.
That’s not to say that we should never get into a relationship again, and that also not to say that it’s not possible to work through it, because for some couples, it is.
However you decide to process the betrayal is up to you, as long as you take the time to consider what you actually need in order to be okay going forward.
Trust is a difficult thing, but it’s necessary to trust people in order to get through life. Just because you’ve been hurt by this one guy doesn’t mean you’ll be hurt by the next.
Grow from your negative experiences, and always remember the love you felt for your partner.
Even though there might not have been much truth in the relationship, there was truth in your feelings, and it’s important not to forget that in order to move forward and allow yourself to fully love someone else or to fall back in love with him again.
If this is something you’re currently struggling with, remember to lean on your loved ones for support and to take the time to focus on yourself. It might hurt today, but I can promise that it won’t nearly hurt as much a few months from now.
Please feel free to comment on any support for women struggling with lying partners, or any advice to those who are having doubts. As always, share with a friend in need.
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