You hear the phrase unicorn hunters and often a magical and mythical creature can come to mind. The two, of course, are different, although finding a unicorn for your relationship may be as magical as the mythological creature we so commonly adore.
Ethical non-monogamy is something that can often be misunderstood, especially in relation to what is ethical and what isn’t. This is something that must be understood before you seek how to find a unicorn in order to develop a successful relationship.
Sally Johnston tells us that “recent attention to the non-monogamous identity known as the “unicorn” has increased the visibility of a poorly understood sexual minority.” So, let’s talk about unicorn hunting.
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Unicorn hunting in relation to casual sex is simply a couple finding another person for a threesome and is completely ethical as long as each person is clear about their boundaries and respects one another.
Unicorn hunting in polyamory is a couple seeking a new partner (typically a bi woman) to date them both. Again, this is completely ethical as long as it is clear from the beginning what the arrangement is.
In some cases, it can become unethical, cruel and dehumanizing. For example, if the couple take advantage of the unicorn, or stray from any established ground rules set.
Toxicity can often arise from the arrangement whereby the unicorn forms a closer attachment to one partner, and is then treated badly by the other partner who then becomes jealous. This is why it’s important that it is fully understood from each partner, and shows why setting boundaries is entirely necessary.
Non-monogamy (or polyamory) by definition is “the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.”
If you and your partner have been wondering how to find a third partner, I’d firstly reflect on your pre-existing relationship, and what you think you can gain by adding a potential third.
Ruby Bouie Johnson in her editors notes for ‘Black and Polyamorous’ explains “the translation of polyamory is “poly,” Greek for "many" (or "multiple") and "amor," Latin for "love." One can define polyamory [poly] as the possibility of having multiple concurrent partnerships that are romantic or platonic with everyone's consent and awareness. There is not an assignment of gender, sexual orientation, or goal to escalate relationships to marriage.”
There are many techniques to unicorn hunting, but it’s important to establish if it is indeed a unicorn that you’re looking for to spice up your relationship.
According to the website of unicorn lovers, “The term Unicorn is used to describe a bisexual woman (though not always female) who is willing to join an existing couple, often with the presumption that this person will date and become sexually involved with both members of that couple, and not demand anything or do anything which might cause problems or inconvenience to that couple.”
What is meant by this is that the unicorn (or the third person) will essentially date both partners, but will not themselves form a part of their established relationship. The term can also be used when a couple are simply seeking a partner for a threesome but more often than not it has more meaning than just sexual pleasure for all.
The history of the term unicorn hunting is unknown, as this was an idea established long before polyamory was defined. It can also be difficult to directly define as it has multiple meanings and can be different in each relationship.
It’s important to note that fully formed human beings are making the decision to open their relationship and that consent and matters regarding ethics should be considered and upheld thoroughly when finding a unicorn; it’s important that everyone is on the same page.
Before beginning the search on how to find a unicorn, there are many things to establish with your partner first.
Understand what exactly it is that you’re looking for when opening your relationship. If this is your first time considering polyamory, then be clear on what you’re about to enter, and make sure that it’s definitely for you.
Having multiple partners can have so many benefits, simply opening your heart to more than one person can be enlightening and open up a whole new world for you in relation to dating, meaning that you can end up having a lot of fun.
But remember that it’s not just you who will be dating other people, your partner will be too. Consider if that’s something that you’re ready for.
Finding a unicorn is different from simply opening your relationship, as having an open relationship means that you can have sex outside of your relationship with no strings attached. If you’re simply looking for a threesome, or wanting to have sex with others, then maybe try that first before finding a unicorn.
Simply because, when seeking out a unicorn you then affect a third person and their emotions whilst you and your partner discover what it is you’re actually looking for in your relationship; and this wouldn’t be fair.
If you’re completely determined about finding a unicorn, then before you start looking you should know who it is you’re looking for and go into the situation knowing what it is you all want.
That means setting emotional boundaries and boundaries surrounding sex. Decide how you plan to communicate and how much time you each intend to spend with your unicorn.
Essentially, fully understand the dynamics of the type of relationship you want to have with your unicorn, mainly because you want to find somebody to suit the needs of you and your partner but also you want to suit the needs of your potential third.
Establish with your partner who exactly it is that you’re looking for. Do you and your partner have a type? Is gender and sexuality important to both of you? Make sure that you find the right person for all three of you.
The same way you would with any kind of dating, think about who it is you’d like to end up with.
If you’re brand new to exploring polyamory, be open to new ideas. You’ll quickly learn that there’s a whole other world of opportunities out there when you open up your relationship, and a potential third may introduce you to a thing or two.
You may have an idea of what you and your couple are into, but take a second and think about how much you’ve learnt from each and every partner you’ve had in your life, whether it be good or bad.
Introducing another person to your relationship adds a whole new dynamic, and with that come new ideas that you’ve probably never thought of. You may find a unicorn who specifically likes to be a submissive, or someone who wants to have sex with other partners and include you in the fun.
Think carefully about your boundaries and how far you think you’d be willing to go, this will be a crucial conversation to be had in the early stages of seeking a unicorn for your relationship.
Understand that once you open up your relationship, a lot will change between you and your current partner.
Many couples who decide to explore polyamory tend to continue throughout the rest of their relationship, but it’s not for everybody and some people are best suited to monogamous relationships.
This shouldn’t put you off from trying new things, though, and it can feel exciting to take risks and to do something differently. But, it’s important to be aware that bringing a third person in a relationship can change things permanently between the two of you.
It can be difficult to try and find a unicorn on regular dating apps. This is because polyamorous people can tend to lean towards specific poly couples dating sites in order to not waste time when trying to find people open to being potential thirds.
On some websites and apps, it can also be a lot safer than a lot of the most popular and current websites that are being used, and members on a specific app will be a lot more open minded than you could assume people to be on other apps.
If there is somebody that you already know, and you and your partner both feel chemistry with, then I would one thousand percent recommend reaching out and asking if they’re interested in your desired dynamic.
We’re all human, and I think we’ve all had thoughts about exploration and experimentation. Who’s to say that this doesn’t apply to your friend? Of course it can be a big decision deciding to join an existing relationship, especially between two people that you have an established relationship with.
But, think about it like this… If your best friend was interested in a person, but they were too scared to ask them out, would you encourage it? Of course you would! And, sometimes, if you don’t ask you simply don’t get.
Such a person could be perfect for you and your partner, and you may even be perfect for them too; so don’t waste a perfect opportunity if it’s staring you in the face.
Also, your sex life could massively improve if you know that the chemistry already exists. Years of sexual chemistry between you, your partner and your friend might do wonders for all three of you.
It’s so important that all three of you are on the same page, whilst satisfying each of your own needs. This is where ethics is crucial. You need to establish a clear and fair dynamic that fulfills each of your desires but is something that you’re all comfortable with.
You and your partner should already establish what you’d be willing to do before you seek to find a unicorn, because you won’t know who you’re looking for until you’ve established what exactly it is that you’re looking for when opening your relationship to three people.
Once established, when looking for a unicorn you’ll be able to explain early on what it is you expect to achieve from dating him/her.
Consent is crucial in any aspect of dating, but especially in polyamorous relationships and when there are three people involved. It might seem obvious, but it’s completely necessary to be clear that each individual can and should be encouraged even to express any problems or doubts further down the line.
For example, if the dynamic is no longer working between the unicorn and one partner, then a conversation can be had about the other partner and the unicorn continuing to date. It can be unethical when the situation becomes “you have both of us or none of us” and is not fair towards the unicorn.
It’s also important to establish who is free to date consensually outside of the dynamic, and what would be considered as cheating.
Again, this is important to establish before searching for a unicorn so you can enter the new situation with clarity.
Likewise, a unicorn may be looking to experiment and have a bit of fun, but that’s not to say that they’re not allowed to change their mind. A couple can feel as though they have the right to set all the rules, but that’s not to say that the unicorn is forced to consent. If you take away the term unicorn, you’re simply talking about a couple dating a third partner.
That doesn’t mean that the couple should have any power over the third partner. Even if the unicorn is a submissive, safe words should always be used and any three of the partners are able to walk away from the agreement at any given time.
Both when searching for a unicorn, or when dating a unicorn, it’s crucial that you all respect each other equally. You’re all human, and you should respect any partner that you find yourself dating.
A unicorn isn’t just a sex toy that you can pick, choose and use when you’re in the mood for pleasure.
A unicorn can begin to feel pressured by the preferences of the couple, and this will become problematic further down the line; which is why clarity is so significant within the dynamic.
As always, communication is key! Communicate even before you discover how to find a unicorn. This is a huge step that you’re taking, opening up your relationship and it will only be successful if you communicate and are honest with each other.
Telling somebody what you’re looking for isn’t always easy, and neither is speaking your mind, but this is something that I’d encourage when finding a third partner. If not, someone is going to end up disappointed later on.
Remember, the unicorn isn’t just some sex toy, and there will inevitably be feelings involved. Before entering a dynamic with your partner and a unicorn, consider what you’re looking for long-term, and if this particular person fits the bill.
For example, if this is something that you and your partner only want to experience short-term, will this complicate things further down the road when you want to end things? This must be made clear from the beginning in order to be ethical in your relationship.
Potential thirds could end up becoming a third partner in your relationship, making you a throuple. Of course, anything can happen and you really can’t predict it. But, what’s important is that right now you know what you’re looking for, and that the person interested wants the same thing as you and your partner.
If it is just about sex and dating, how long do you expect this to go on for? What will happen if your unicorn wants to develop a relationship with either one of you? Consider all options and discuss them as three.
You and your partner might have your wants and needs understood to the fullest, meaning that you’re ready to begin looking for your unicorn. But, what does this mean for your social lives?
It’s not important whether you keep it private, or open with your friends and family, what’s important is that it’s established.
Imagine if your friend (who is unaware of your dynamic) sees your partner out on a date with someone else, this is inevitably going to cause some problems.
So, if you do decide to keep it private, think about how you’ll keep friends and family from finding out. Also, make sure that this is communicated to the unicorn, it wouldn’t be fair if they were kept in the dark about the fact that they’re being hidden.
I mentioned earlier that a good place to start when looking how to find a unicorn is to begin with specific dating apps and websites for couples looking for a unicorn, or, in turn, unicorns looking for a couple. Here are some of the most popular in the US:
Of course, there are many dating apps out there and you really aren’t limited in places to find a unicorn. You also may simply meet someone who you think is perfect and the timing works really well for all three of you.
However, if you’re completely new to the idea of polyamory, then I’m sure you’ll find a lot of like-minded couples who are willing to help you through your journey on these apps too.
There is no right answer to this question. All relationships can be complicated, which is why clarity is super important, especially when there are three people involved.
If this is something that you and your partner really want, and you’re patient enough to wait until you find the right person, then the only way things will get complicated is if one of you changes your minds (which of course is always possible), or if one of you isn’t being honest with the other two.
This is why communication is crucial, and it’s important to set ground rules early on to avoid any future complications that may arise. It can also be helpful to seek advice from successful polyamorous couples in order to gain an understanding of how to successfully enter a relationship with three involved.
If you’re looking for methods on finding someone for a threesome, then there are many ways to do that. Dating apps are always a great idea, especially those dedicated to threesomes. But, you can also look into swinging, and finding another couple who would open their sexual relationship with you.
If it’s just sex that you’re looking for, I would suggest avoiding asking a friend to get involved unless you know that there will be no strings attached as this could potentially complicate things in the future.
The difference between finding a unicorn and entering a throuple relationship is that a throuple is an established relationship that consists of three people, whereas a unicorn is (usually) bisexual women who are willing to date two partners that are already an established couple. A triad (or throuple) can form without any unicorns being hunted.
If this is something that you have both shown an interest in, and have been thinking about it for a while, then absolutely! If you feel as though one partner is more enthusiastic than the other, then it may be best to wait a little while to be sure that it’s something you both want.
If you’re not entirely sure, then I would recommend taking baby steps. Start with watching your partner kiss somebody else and see how it is. From there, you’ll be able to gauge if this is something that you’d enjoy together.
When it comes down to it, finding a unicorn isn’t too difficult, what’s difficult is finding somebody perfect for all parties. It’s important that you all want the same things, and that your desires are fulfilled but that you’re all fully consenting and respect one another.
Introducing a third partner can be a beautiful gift to your relationship and can work wonders for both you and your partner, but are you going to work wonders for them? It’s important that the benefits are equal, as well as the respect. If they aren’t, then you should probably keep looking until somebody else comes along who fits the role perfectly.
Never assume that unicorns are simply looking for a bit of fun. Putting yours and your partner’s needs before them is only going to cause problems and is highly unethical. So be kind to one another, and find the right people to help guide you through this journey.
If you have any further advice please feel free to comment, and as always, share with a friend (or couple) in need.