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17 Signs a Guy is Pretending to be Straight

January 13, 2023

While there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, we, unfortunately, live in a society where many people still frown upon homosexuality. Because of this, many people find it hard to accept their sexuality and pretend to be something they’re not in order to be accepted by friends, family, and society.

Sometimes, there might be obvious signs that a man is gay. Other times, these signs may be so subtle that even these men’s closest friends and family are unable to tell. 

Some men go as far as getting married and having children as a cover-up for their homosexuality. This is a way for them to avoid the shame and stigma that so often comes with being gay in many cultures and societies. Unfortunately, however, finding true happiness when you’re unable to be your authentic self may prove to be extremely challenging.

What Do You Do About It?

If you believe a guy is just pretending to be straight, being compassionate, supportive, and understanding of his journey is the best thing you can do. You also cannot force him to come out of the closet and questioning his sexuality may be seen as inappropriate. 

If, however, the man you suspect of being gay is your boyfriend or husband, things may be a little more complicated. Instead of accusing him of being homosexual, rather address his behavior patterns that are unacceptable to you in a relationship.

Why Would a Guy Pretend to Be Straight?

1. Societal pressure

In many cultures and societies being gay is still taboo. You may find a larger number of men pretending to be straight and trying to blend in in these sorts of communities. Many societies still have old-school views of heterosexual marriages and because of this, many of these men may get married to women and suppress their true essence. 

2. His upbringing 

A person’s parents, family, and upbringing in general play a pivotal role in one’s life. They shape your future and outlook on life to a very large degree. People who were raised in households with very conservative, strict parents may have a difficult time coming out because of the fear of what their parents and family will think and say. 

3. Religion

Unfortunately, across the globe, many religions still uphold the belief that being gay is sinful. And, sinful people are punished. This fear, driven into many from a young age, is very real. It’s because of the fear of being punished by god that many men never admit to being gay. 

4. Fear of loss 

When weighing up the pros and cons of coming out, many men may worry about the people, friendships, and relationships they may potentially lose if they admit to being attracted to the same gender.

17 Signs a Guy Is Pretending to Be Straight

1. He’s homophobic

Many homosexual men display signs of homophobia towards others as a way of covering up or hiding their own, true sexual preferences. Sometimes, these men display signs of homophobia because the very thing they dislike about themselves is what they recognize in openly gay men. 

These men may also be deeply envious of those who are able to live a happy, openly homosexual life, thus deepening their dislike and homophobic tendencies towards this group of people. 

Research suggests that often those who oppress others have been oppressed themselves. So, when it comes to people who are homophobic, they should reflect on why they have such a dislike for a specific group of people. 

While not all homophobic people are closeted gay men (some are genuinely just people filled with hatred and anger), if someone you know displays signs of homophobia along with any of the other below-mentioned signs, it may be because he’s covering up his true sexual identity.

2. He watches gay porn

If you find suspicious browsing history on his phone or computer, or anything else that points towards the fact that he’s been watching gay porn by himself, it’s a tell-tale sign. 

Not only does it point towards possibly gay tendencies, but it also signals that he’s being secretive about some of his sex life/sexual tendencies. 

If you address the fact that he’s been watching gay porn, you’re likely to be met with a host of excuses - from “I accidentally clicked the wrong link” to “my friend was using my computer/phone and he must’ve watched it.” Be wary but mindful of this sort of secretive behavior. 

3. He often pays attention to other good-looking men

he often pays attention to other good-looking men

If your man often sits up a little straighter or stares a little bit longer when a good-looking man walks past, it could be an indicator that he’s attracted to the same sex. 

Pay attention to the comments he makes about other men’s bodies, appearances, and fashion sense, as well as the way he acts when other hot guys are around. If he’s sexually attracted to men but pretending to be straight, he might act awkwardly/out of the ordinary around hot men. 

His behavior may be a dead giveaway of his sexuality.

You may notice that he not only pays attention to other men but also enjoys the attention he receives from them more than any attention he might receive from females. 

4. He’s not interested in the opposite sex

If he’s not asexual and he’s not interested in the opposite sex, it might be another sign that he’s just pretending to be straight. 

Straight men are generally likely to notice beautiful women, comment on their beauty from time to time, and go out of their way to strike up conversations with them. They’re also likely to fantasize about romantic relationships with these women. 

This brings me to another one of the signs a guy is pretending to be straight when he’s actually homosexual… He’s never had a serious relationship with a woman. He’s likely to avoid meeting and dating women and will give a host of excuses as to why.

5. You have little to no sex life

If your sex life is miserable, dwindling, very unexciting, or worse, if he avoids sex with you at all costs, it might be a sign he’s just pretending to be straight. It’s important to note, however, that low libido could be due to many factors, such as poor health, poor diet, medication, stress, or a loss of interest in the relationship. 

Having an open and honest conversation about your sex life might help unpack underlying issues that need addressing. 

6. Most of his friends are female

It might be a stereotype, but most gay men seem to have hoards of female friends. And, many women dream of having a gay best friend.

Perhaps these friendships work because gay men and straight women aren’t after the same mates, or, perhaps, it’s because they have a lot in common and are generally good listeners. 

Gay men are also more comfortable showing their feminine side around women, and both parties know that the friendship is an authentic one with no ulterior motives. Whatever the reason, these two types of people are generally drawn to each other. 

Often, gay men seem to have very few, straight male friends. So, if you’ve noticed that all his besties are women, and he’s not sexually attracted to any of them, it may be a sign that he’s into men. 

7. He remains single

Some men choose to hide their true sexual preferences by remaining single. They might feel that remaining single is easier than being in a straight relationship and trying to hide their identity. Remaining single also means he doesn’t need to come out of the closet and face reality, yet. Staying single is a ‘safe space’.

While he might seem like the perfect husband material on the outside, if he’s single for long periods of time and shows no interest in entering into a relationship with a woman he might be a hidden gay man.

8. He has stereotypically gay tendencies

he has stereotypically gay tendencies

Things like body language, tone of voice, dress sense, as well as verbal and non-verbal cues may signal whether or not a man is just pretending to be straight. 

Body type and motion have also been used in studies to determine the sexual orientation of men. It was found that gay men tend to have more hour-glass like figures than their straight counterparts and tend to walk with their hips swaying more obviously.

A separate study revealed that gay men tend to have voices that are higher in pitch and less breathy than heterosexual males. 

9. He has sex toys that make you think twice

An easy way for a hidden homosexual man to explore his sexuality without revealing his secret identity is through sex toys. If he has some questionable sex toys, like a dildo, it might be one of the signs that he’s gay. Another sign is if he enjoys butt play and talks about things like anal sex regularly. 

10. He may be abusive

Unfortunately, some hidden gay men are so oppressed that the expression of their emotions turns into abuse. If you find yourself being abused by anyone, whether verbally, emotionally, or physically, seek out professional help immediately.

If a gay man is in a relationship with a woman and she starts suspecting gay tendencies and questioning him, his responses may turn to verbal, physical, or emotional abuse. He may even blame her for being the ‘reason’ he behaves the way he does.

In a study, it was found that the greater the degree of internalized shame and suppression, the greater the likelihood to become abusive. Men who were overlooked in society and whose voices had no sense of power were more likely to express power and control in intimate relationships, in negative ways. 

11. He isn’t himself around men

If his behavior changes when he’s around men – perhaps he becomes overly shy and coy or even overly talkative, excited, and confident – these changes could signal that he has a crush on one of the men, is showing off, or is even trying to hide his true sexuality by overcompensating and trying to blend in. 

Look out for these sorts of behavioral changes. 

12. He isn’t affectionate toward you

If he shows no affection towards you in an intimate relationship, something is off. Either, he is not into the relationship or has no sexual attraction toward you, or it should serve as one of the signs a guy is pretending to be straight.

If something as small as a hug or a kiss seems to be too much to ask for from your partner, you might want to think twice. 

Men who are pretending to be something they are not may feel so heavily burdened with their own emotions that they have little capacity to give anything to anyone else, especially affection.

13. He’s very secretive

If he’s very secretive about his private life and never shares any information with you about past or present relationships, it may cause you to wonder. 

Perhaps he’s always hiding his phone from you, clears his browser history, is secretive about his whereabouts, and never lets anyone in on his personal life. These could all be signs that he’s secretly exploring his sexuality in various ways. 

For example, he might have gay dating apps on his phone, be talking to guys, or be watching gay porn and doesn’t want anyone to see any of it. 

He might be secretive about his whereabouts because he’s going on dates with other men, or he’s frequenting gay bars and clubs. 

Whatever the reason for his secretive behavior, it’s worth investigating further if it affects your life and your relationship.

14. He has many LGBTQ friends

If most of his friends are part of the LGBTQ community it may or may not be a sign that he resonates and has most in common with them. 

The average, heterosexual man can often struggle to form close bonds with their homosexual counterparts (for various reasons) so, if all of his best friends are gay, you may question his own sexuality. 

It is important to note, however, that some heterosexual males may be friends with many people from the LGBTQ community simply because they are advocates for it, or because they make friends easily with diverse groups of people. Avoid jumping to conclusions too quickly.

15. He’s been on a date / hooked up with other men before

he's been on a date/hooked up with other men before

If you’ve found out that he’s been on a date, had a romantic relationship, or had sexual encounters with a man before, it might be a sign your guy is pretending to be straight while with you. 

It could, of course, also indicate that he’s bisexual or that his past sexual orientation no longer defines him and he’s now committed to women. However, this might raise a question or two.

16. He fantasizes about having a threesome with another man

Many men dream of having a threesome with two women. However, if he keeps asking you to invite another man into the bedroom, it’s a sign that he’s into the same sex and gets turned on by the thought of another man. 

This is one of the obvious signs a guy is either gay or bi. If you want to test out the theory, see how he responds if you bring another woman instead.

17. Apps on his phone point towards him being gay

Stumbling upon something like a gay dating app (i.e.Grindr) on his phone is a dead giveaway. You might even stumble across things like his ‘sexual preference’ on Bumble or Tinder being set to both male and female. Or, you might find his inbox on Instagram flooded with messages from other men. 

How Can I Let My Boyfriend Know that I’m Okay with Him Being Bi?

As extremely difficult as it is, and I speak from experience here, if your husband or boyfriend comes out as being bi, the best thing you can do initially is listen to them, support them, and thank them for their honesty and bravery

If you’re worried about where this will leave your relationship, ask him, and let him help you navigate these new waters together. 

Just because he’s bi doesn’t mean it’ll change your relationship. On the contrary, it might be indicative that he wants to explore his sexuality. This is a great article to help you unpack all of the above.

If you’re okay with him being bi, simply letting him know might be the best thing you could ever do for him. 

Many people who suppress their sexuality only do so because they fear what others will think and fear losing those closest to them. If you let him know that you’re okay with him as he is, he’s likely to feel hugely relieved and grateful. 

It’s important, however, that you discuss how he’d like to navigate the world of dating, your relationship, and sex moving forward. For things to work out between the two of you, you need to be on the same page. If you want different things from what he wants, it’s okay to admit it and walk away from the relationship for the sake of your happiness.

FAQs

Should I be concerned if my BF has feminine sides?

No. Having a feminine side and being gay do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. Having a feminine side simply means being in touch with your emotions and being unafraid to express them.

A man who is in touch with his feminine side can oftentimes be a positive thing because he’s likely to be more understanding and empathetic toward others.

My BF checks out other men, is it okay?

Recognizing beauty or attractive qualities in another person of the same sex is okay. However, if you notice your boyfriend checks out other men and compliments them more often than he compliments you, or if the degree to which he checks other men out and comments on their appearance makes you feel uncomfortable, it’s worth raising it with him and chatting about it.

Can constantly avoiding sex mean my BF is gay?

It could, yes. There are numerous reasons someone may experience a drop in libido, for example, stress, a poor diet, a lack of exercise, poor mental health, certain medications, or boredom in a relationship. It could also be one of the signs a guy is pretending to be straight. 

If your boyfriend constantly avoids sex with you, it’s a sign that something’s up and needs to be spoken about. 

Can I satisfy my BF if he's bisexual?

Yes! Being bisexual means someone is turned on by both males and females. So, if you’re romantically involved with someone who’s admitted they’re bi, but the sex is still great between the two of you, you have nothing to worry about.

Conclusion

If you suspect someone close to you is pretending to be straight due to pressure from family, friends, and society, the best thing you can do is be supportive, loving, empathetic, and listen when they talk. Being supportive might encourage them to come out in their own time. Let them know that you’ll always have their back. 

If you suspect the man you’re in a relationship with is gay, talking to a professional is the best option. A professional will give you the support and guidance you need to address the issues in your relationship in a respectful manner. They will also help you navigate this tricky, sensitive situation as best as possible. 

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