Ever wondered why people think you have it all (body, brains, and looks) and yet you always seem to attract the wrong kind of men? The men just end up being toxic and it is not like you walk around wearing a tee-shirt that says "I love toxic men". However, they are always drawn to you.
So what statement are you giving out? How exactly are you giving those men access to you?
I bet you’re constantly asking yourself, “Why do I attract bad guys?” If you do, then this article is for you. Below are some possible reasons.
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Insecurity could be one reason you are stuck on damaged men. You don’t think you matter and most likely, you don’t think you deserve a guy who can run to the moon and back, just to get you a glass of water.
The way you treat yourself is an indication of how others should treat you. You reveal your insecurity when you speak demeaning things about yourself. Now, if you do not value yourself enough, why should they value you?
Toxic men are attracted to insecure women because such women look to them for validation. Most likely, a guy like that is ready to dish out whatever he thinks you deserve. What’s more, such men shy away from women who have a high sense of self-esteem. These women are independent and can survive without them.
Another reason is that you are too available. By availability, I mean you are easily accessible. It is easy for people to have their way with you. Perhaps, you could say that you are tolerant. Tolerance is a good virtue. But when it starts having negative effects on your relationships, then it is time to set a limit to how tolerant you can be. Or else, you create room for people to treat you badly.
It could also be that you are too nice and friendly. When a guy gets abusive and apologizes, you are too understanding. And this is another way of saying that anytime he behaves badly, you’ll clearly understand any excuse your guy comes up with.
You are not firm enough to set boundaries because you don’t want to offend your guy. Or you don’t want to address any issues in the relationship at all. In her song called “Roar,” Katie Perry once said she stood for nothing, so she fell for everything. And that is how it is. If you do not set boundaries, you make room for anything to be dished out to you.
So set boundaries that no one can cross. You also need to learn how to stand up for yourself. If he leaves, well, good riddance. Be willing to not compromise on your set values. Die on that hill if you have to. Because once you compromise on your values, he can easily take advantage of you.
Sometimes, you are treated badly because you have no idea of what you want in a man. This attitude is how you invite toxic men into your life. Perhaps, you fear you might die as an old maid? For this reason, you are willing to lower your standards for just anyone. Clear that mindset. Do not feel bad setting higher standards, unless your standards are unrealistic. It is better to die as an old maid than to be in an emotionally draining relationship.
For some weird reason, broken guys are attracted to emotionally broken ladies. Your encounter with your previous partners may have given you a distorted perspective on love. So, in this state of healing from your broken heart, you are fragile.
Sadly, toxic men are attracted by the fragility you present to them. They love how it makes them feel that they are in charge. This way, they can easily manipulate you. They start relationships by being very caring. You then fall for this front thinking he is "The One". Then gradually, they begin to decrease their care package. But it’s too late; you’ve been hooked.
Let me give an example to explain this next reason. Let’s say a girl named Abigail grew up in an abusive family. Everything she did was not good enough for her father. He was her only parent who blamed her for the death of her mother. She has internalized this. And she thinks that anyone who decides to be in a relationship with her is doing her a huge favor. She has been told this several times in her previous relationships.
So, this is all she has been exposed to and ever known. It would, therefore, be an undeniable fact that most of the men she is bound to date will likely be damaged. This is because that is all she has come to know. The hypothetical case of Abigail is a reality for most girls. And if you happen to be amongst such, seek help from a qualified therapist.
You seem to have weird notions that love can change situations. Perhaps, that was because you were exposed to a lot of fairy tales and romantic movies. In those storylines, love conquers all. So, you are with a broken guy, and you think that the answer to his toxicity is to keep loving him. Perhaps, he will see all the love you are showering on him, and he’ll change for the better.
Damaged males usually love attention. They also know that they are toxic and ought to change. And if they know you are a fixer, they know you’re also a pushover. They feel attracted to the notion of being able to get away with anything. Since you love to fix, you’ll be willing to make excuses for them (and accept their own excuses).
But the truth is that when someone wants to change, they will first put in an effort to do so. They do not ask people to change them. Unless of course, it is through therapy.
There is no problem with having casual sex with guys if you happen to be on the same page. But if you’re hoping your sexual relationship will result in marriage, the odds are that it probably won’t. You are both satisfying your sexual desires. And if you think by giving your body to him, he has to be in a committed relationship with him, you are deceiving yourself.
If you go the extra mile of bending your back for him, when he has made it clear (either by actions or deeds) that he doesn't want to be in a committed union, don’t fall for him because nothing good will come of it. Worse yet, you are only opening doors to be dating the damaged ones with bad behaviors. It’s no wonder your past relationships were with damaged partners.
People who love to please others often think that saying no means they are too difficult, or they are not a good person at heart. If that’s the same with you, you will go the extra mile to do everything to make people happy. That is a fast way of dating guys who are toxic. They are drawn to your neediness. And that is how they take advantage of you.
You keep attracting toxic guys because you are insecure. Again, you have not made a conscious decision to look out for specific qualities in a guy. It could also be because you are too friendly.
You may be attracting emotionally unavailable guys because you are afraid. You may want to be in a committed relationship. But you are afraid you may get hurt or you might change. You fear having an intense connection with someone. It could also be that you have low self-esteem and you do not think you are good enough to be in a good relationship.
One study shows that toxic men usually target women who they know can stroke their ego. Such men go after weak women because they know that such women will put in all the effort to make the relationship work. Add good sex to this combination and a weak girl will stay stuck on her toxic boyfriend.
If you do not want to attract a toxic guy, know what you want in a man. If you think you do not feel adequate because of childhood trauma, see a therapist to help you out. Be independent. Let the guy know that with or without him, you can still live. Also, set boundaries. Do not be readily accessible to any guy.
Research shows that when a man is in love, he will readily put his woman's needs before his. He is ready to go the extra mile to make her happy. All they think about is her. And they pay attention to everything she says. A man can readily give up any toxic behavior because he loves his lady.
If you happen to find any situation outlined above which is similar to yours, do your best to correct it and up your confidence levels. Move on from being stuck to a toxic boyfriend. You need to realize that you deserve the best things too.
I hope you enjoyed this article. Let me know your thoughts. And please share.