Ah, the incredibly complex, emotional mind of a man. We have all tried at some point in our lives to delve into how they work and why they work the way they do. Mostly when this happens, we all end up feeling confused.
How are our sexes so different?!
We all know why men feel lust towards women. It is not much of quest to try and find out the reasoning behind sexual attraction (spoiler alert – primal instincts are a big player) However, in this article, I am going to take on the more prominent and altogether more confusing topic that I know countless women have tried to tackle before me – how men fall in love. Real love.
In the society we live in, we are always so focused on women falling in love, and it is time to shed some light on how men fall in love and why they do or do not.
So, I have deconstructed the factors that make a man fall in love with a woman, and I'm so excited to share these ten reasons with you all.
- 1 1. Men need to feel accepted and appreciated
- 2 2. Men need to feel like they make you happy
- 3 3. Men are attracted to women who are open to love.
- 4 4. Men like to feel like men. Essentially, they appreciate women who embrace their femininity.
- 5 5. Men need to feel sexual chemistry.
- 6 6. If a woman inspires a man, it's a game-changer
- 7 7. Men want to be with a woman who has faith in the relationship.
- 8 8. Men search for long-term compatibility
- 9 9. Men fall for women who are their real selves
- 10 10. Sometimes it is just unexplainable.
- 11 Conclusion
1. Men need to feel accepted and appreciated
This factor needs to come top of the list. Although they would never tell you, men need to feel accepted and appreciated for who they are. They don't want to feel like a project you are working on or a problem you need to fix. They crave appreciation for just being them. If you try to change a man, he will put his emotional barriers up so high that it will become hard for you to get through to him. It is as simple as just accepting who he is. When a man shares glimpses of his inner self with you, he will feel like he has put himself in a vulnerable position, which men rarely do, – so this is when it's crucial to make him feel rest assured that he will be accepted and appreciated. If a woman makes him feel lifted high and admired when he does this, this is pure magic for men. His heart will have made such a deep connection with you, that it can only be amplified from thereon.
Genuine appreciation daily also makes a man feel valued and warm inside. Anything can trigger the feeling of being appreciated for men, from a simple thank you, to a nice text from you saying that his latest new business venture is inspiring. Men thrive off appreciation, and if they feel appreciated, they feel attracted to you.
“Men, too, deserve to be spoiled, told they are handsome, told their efforts are appreciated, and should also be made to feel secure. If he treats you like a Queen, treat him like a King.”
2. Men need to feel like they make you happy
Now, this point sounds simple. Everyone wants to make others feel happy, especially within a relationship – that's the common goal, of course. But, for men, this isn't a want, but more of a need. They need to feel like you're genuinely touched by the kind words they say or things they do to make you smile or laugh. If they feel like they have the power to turn your bad day into a good one, just from a quick phone call or hug, they will love that. Of course, if they want to make you happy, that's probably a substantial sign that they are falling in love with you. However, it strengthens the attachment if the woman outwardly shows the happiness a man makes her feel or praises how much he can make her happy. It is almost a case of stroking men's ego, in the nicest way possible, to say, “Well done, you single-handedly made me a happy woman by doing that, thank you for turning my day around!”.
However, it is essential to say that men are not mind-readers, and they will quickly get annoyed if you quietly drop hints at how you want them to make you happy or if you get upset when they don't do something that you wanted them to. They do not like being expected to do things. So, the simple advice to give to women is, do not have expectations of a man. Expectations are only ever going to fall flat.
Unlike your girlfriends who might be able to pick up on any emotion you feel after they've been with you for 10 seconds, men are different. Men like clear communication. So, communicate. If something makes you happy, let them know. They need to feel like they're doing an excellent job at making you happy. If they are bringing joy into your life, that is a sure sign in their books that they should stick around and see where the relationship could go.
“Men need to feel appreciated. They need to feel good about themselves in the relationship if they are going to be the person you want to be with. Ultimately, they want to make us happy, but they need a little help doing that because—as you now know—we are mysteries to them.”
– Bethenny Frankel, Author of ‘I suck at relationships, so you don't have to'.
3. Men are attracted to women who are open to love.
As much as society wants us to believe in the ‘chase' and in the playful games surrounding the idea of falling in love, men want to invest time in a woman who is open to love. If a woman is resistant to being loved, a man will quickly lose interest. He won't be able to open up or show love if he is continually being shut down. It will only lead to him feeling rejected and confused, ultimately leading to removing himself from the situation and ending the relationship.
Men want to be with someone who values organic love, not someone who plays games and manipulates. Mind games are no good for anyone involved, and quite frankly if you haven't learnt that by now, get to know fast. Men are human – they value a genuine, honest connection.
Men also find it attractive when a woman knows what she wants in love and how they can be loved and love to the best of her ability. When a man finds a woman on the same page as him in this respect, they can revel together in the rollercoaster of falling in love. They can explore things together, learn about each other, unearth their true selves together, with no worry about the other person being closed off to love. A new sense of freedom and hope are going forward in a relationship because both people are happy to see where they both end up, and there are no complications.
“The things that make a man fall in love really boil down to is a deep emotional connection. When you feel comfortable with being open and vulnerable with someone, you're likely falling in love. Human beings as a whole need to feel connected to someone to let the walls down around them. We can only really feel anything, including love, when the walls are down,” says dating coach James Preece.
4. Men like to feel like men. Essentially, they appreciate women who embrace their femininity.
Don't worry ladies. I am not about to tell you to succumb to the role of a 1960's housewife! You can still be the independent woman you are and ooze femininity. The truth is that men naturally want to feel like protectors, like ‘macho-men' and like they are helping a woman out. Biologically, men like to provide, to help and to fix.
Men appreciate and feel endeared to women that ask for their help and advice. So, if you need something fixing in your house, ask him – why not? If you have any problems going on in your life, ask him. Simple things like those will make him feel on top of the world, and invites him further into your life, is essential to move forward in a lasting relationship. Men thrive off being helpful or showing their strong skills to you.
As much as men love an independent bad-ass woman who can accomplish anything they put their mind to (See Point 9), they do sometimes need to feel like ‘the man'. If a woman does absolutely everything herself, a man might feel of no use to her, or not as masculine as he might like to. So ladies, as much as he will know you're independent and can do it yourself, maybe sometimes take a step back and let him feel like the man.
Another thing a lot of men enjoy doing is acting chivalrously. Sometimes men like to be able to hold doors open and carry women's bags. This doesn't mean you couldn't take the bag, or he thinks you're too weak to, it just means that chivalry is still alive, and men like to be chivalrous. It can make a man feel thrilled to be a gentleman and treat you like a lady.
5. Men need to feel sexual chemistry.
Obviously, this is pretty much a given for both men and women. Everyone needs and wants to have good sexual chemistry with their partner. If men feel like you're confident in your sexuality and that you're ready to enjoy sex, they will thrive off that. If a man feels like you're confident with sex, they will feel comfortable being able to express their fantasies and wants with you. Sex is something that needs to exist in a relationship, to ensure the emotional bond between two people is kept alive. So, it's important that two people both feel sexually confident in themselves, so that they can keep reinventing their sexual style and exploring each other more.
Men will not feel drawn to falling in love with someone they think lacks confidence in their own sexuality. Even if you're not engaging in sexual activities together or you're saving yourself until marriage, men will be able to pick up on your sexual energy. So the best advice, for both men and women is to explore themselves, make sure they are sexually happy when their alone, and then when both people become sexual together – sparks will fly.
“Sex is more than an act of pleasure; it's the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it's almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can't take it. And at this moment you're a part of them.”
― Thom Yorke
6. If a woman inspires a man, it's a game-changer
Most of the time, men want to feel like they inspire you, and if they feel like they're helping you to live fully and follow your passions, then they will feel on top of the world. If they can help you in any way, they feel joy. However, things are a little different if a woman inspires a man – it is a game-changer. He will feel inspired like never before. To see his woman killing whatever she puts her mind too will also set him on fire.
Feeling inspired by a woman will open his eyes. He will feel empowered and ready to embrace all the new opportunities in life, knowing she will be supporting him the whole way. As soon as a man feels like a relationship is mutually inspirational, the relationship will evolve to a new level. In the ideal relationship, both people should bring out the best in each other, so if a man can feel this happening, he will stick with that woman, and they will grow together in life and love.
Feeling mutually inspired will ensure that the couple is always pushing each other and driving forwards together to be the best they can be. This is attractive – attractive as hell. Knowing that someone has sparked a fire in your soul to be able to work hard and inspire you to reach for your dreams, you are in adoration for that person.
7. Men want to be with a woman who has faith in the relationship.
After a man surrenders himself and opens his heart to a woman, he needs to know that she has faith. This means faith not only in him as a person, but in the relationship as a whole. Faith is unexplainable, and it doesn't have much reasoning behind, but if both people believe in a relationship, it will go from strength to strength.
For a relationship to work, faith is an essential part. Both partners must share in the idea that their love will, for whatever reason, keep flourish and be lasting.
If a man senses that a woman is showing any signs of doubt in the relationship, the first action he will take will most likely be just to shut down. He will begin to question the relationship and doubt will enter his mind too. The uncertainty of his partner will have made him feel as if their relationship is now not a safe place for him to express himself and his emotions because it might not last. As we know from my earlier point, men need to feel like a relationship is their safe zone, a place they can show their vulnerability. If doubt creeps in, in a man's mind, the safe area has crumbled. Worry will set in and the blossoming relationship that was once there will start to wilt. Eventually, if not spoken adequately about and resolved, this doubt will kill the relationship. Therefore, completely stopping the man from allowing the process of falling in love to take place.
8. Men search for long-term compatibility
For a man to fall in love, they must be able to see a future. If they share common interests and similar life aspirations with a woman, then they begin to envisage where things could go. A minimal amount of people really ‘live in the moment'. People are always looking towards the future, especially in relationships. They need to see that there could be a future. Otherwise, they won't allow themselves to open up. If a man cannot see a future with a woman, this will stop them from investing in the relationship.
If both people have similar interests, then the man will feel excited because he can share his knowledge of the subjects and have someone listen who is genuinely interested. It also means that the pair will be able to enjoy doing similar things and make memories doing things they both enjoy.
In terms of life aspirations, a similar outlook is also essential. For example, it might be difficult for a man to see a long-term relationship working out with a woman who wants to travel full time for the rest of her life if he wants to buy a house and settle down at home. It is important to note that I am not saying comprise doesn't work when it comes life goals, but initially it is a lot easier for a man to allow himself to fall in love if he can see that the women's vision aligns with his.
Of course, life aspirations do change over time too. If the couple can organically grow together and are heading towards the same path, they have a much better chance of success in the relationship.
9. Men fall for women who are their real selves
I think this is one of the most crucial points in the whole list.
It might sound super cliché, but men are attracted to real women — the whole package.
Of course, when it comes to lust, men might not be looking for the most authentic woman, but when it comes to falling in love, they are.
Men do not fall in love with a façade. They fall in love with the whole package of a real woman. So, what is a ‘real' woman? Someone who is themselves, who has the confidence to live their life with no regrets, someone who is open and understands themselves and what they want. It's also important to note that men love independent women. It is sexy to men, to know who you indeed are and what you want.
When a man can see the passion for a woman has for life, he will feel not only respect towards her but desire for her. When both his passion and her passion for life align, the genuinely fantastic event of falling in love occurs.
To form a lasting relationship with anyone, sexual or not, you need to understand and connect with the person on a deeper level. When a woman shows a man that she is real and has vulnerable sides, it allows him to open up and share in the vulnerability. A woman must share all the ‘bad' parts of her, as well as the beautiful pieces. Men need to be shown humanity and realness.
Men also feel more attracted to those who can openly express their feelings and opinions. If you are open and able to share with him, he will feel like he can share with you, and that you may be able to help him with his feelings. Mostly, women are the emotional leaders in a relationship, so it is vital for men to feel like the woman they are falling in love with is experienced in sharing her feelings and expressing them, stably.
The safe space for love to blossom in is opened once a woman shows her real self. It shows him that it is acceptable to be himself because the woman is doing the same.
This then brings trust and confidence into the relationship and ultimately is the beginning of falling in love. Once a man has made this deep, core connection with a woman, she will stand out above everyone to him.
The most excellent relationships occur when two people who are independent and know who they are, come together to create trust and love, by tearing down the boundaries of vulnerability and self-preservation.
10. Sometimes it is just unexplainable.
Sometimes there is very little explanation to why things work the way they do. We are all human, and sometimes connection happens between two people, and love sprouts from there. Men feel immense (even if they try to hide it) and they get just as wrapped up in relationships and fall head over heels when falling in love, as women do. If two people meet and feel the right energy between them, it can just go from there. If two people are destined to be together, they will.
On the other hand, even if every box is ticked and everything is going right, sometimes love between two people doesn't blossom. Everything might align between you both, but your souls might not be ready for each other. That is ok, and that shouldn't dishearten you. There is someone out there for everyone, and sometimes it just is not meant to be.
You will know when the right person has come along. Irrespective of any outside influences, when you fall in love with the one, it will be effortless and magical. It sometimes is, just unexplainable.
“Love is an unexplainable force that is more powerful than anything. If you are lucky enough to have found it, it will scare you, keep you awake, yet give you peace and let you rest all at the same time”
― Sensei Surett.
If you still want to hear a little more about needs that men have, to be able to fall in love. Please watch this video by the fantastic Mathew Boggs (Best-Selling Author, Relationship and Dating Coach) – ‘7 Needs Men Have to Fall in Love with You'.
I hope I was able to deconstruct and explain some of the factors that make men fall in love. I was inspired to write this because I think it is vital to not only speak about women's feelings and passions but also to educate ourselves about a man's romantic mind. Otherwise, how are we supposed to be informed and understand the processes that happen to us when we are involved with men?
The saying goes ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus' and Venus is great, but surely, we need to know about the inner workings of Mars too?
So, did this list help you to understand a little more about how men fall in love? If it did and you liked what you read, please let us know in the comments and share it with anyone you feel needs to see this.
If you want to share any personal stories about your experiences with men falling in love, or other factors that you think make men fall in love, please let us know.
Of course, for any male readers out there, we would love to hear from you on this topic too.