HerNorm is a community-supported website. We may earn a small commission on purchases made through our links. Learn more.

Are You In On-Again-Off-Again Relationship? (11 Ways To Get Out)

Last updated on July 7, 2022 by Sonya Schwartz

There is no formula for relationships. Some hit it off from the beginning and just keep going. Others take longer for the spark to ignite. Then, there are those relationships that start on a bright note but for some reason, ends. But before you know it, the spark gets reignited again, then it goes off again, and so on. 

These on-again-off-again relationships are quite common in today’s dating scene. Research shows that many of us have been in an on-again-off-again union. 

Sometimes, these types of relationships work out. Both parties get to figure themselves out for good. However, other times, the back and forth does not help in the development of a healthy relationship. And this may negatively scar you for life.

So how do you get out of off-again relationships? Read on for some answers.

11 Ways On How To Get Out Of An On-Again-Off-Again Relationship

1. Find out why the relationship is cycling

Being in a relationship that keeps breaking off can be frustrating and emotionally exhausting. One moment, everything is well. You and your partner are relationship goals. Then the next minute, you are going through a breakup.

The first thing to consider to get out of such a relationship is to find out why you are reuniting after calling it quits several times. No doubt, many women think that it is better to be with a partner than remain single and die an old maid. If you think this way, you likely also believe that you are supposed to deal with any toxic behavior from a partner. 

Also, maybe perhaps you think your partner is better or will eventually let go of a particular toxic trait that is plaguing the relationship. It would be prudent to carefully analyze any reason you may give to yourself if you want the relationship on again. 

If you want a healthy relationship, you should take into account lessons from your past ones and apply them. Make sure your partner is also willing to put in similar efforts. If not, the relationship will be at a standstill, and it will be plagued by similar issues you both faced in your previous relationship. If not, honestly let him know your goals for the relationship. And if he cannot keep up, call it quits for good.

2. Be honest

Honesty, they say, is the best policy. You can save yourself a whole lot of trouble by being honest, especially in a relationship setting. Have an honest talk with your partner when you want to end things for good. He should be understanding that you need to do what is right for you if you think ending the relationship seems to be the best.

After having that emotional talk, you need to set boundaries and enforce them. This will not be easy to do. That is why you have to be determined. Put in the extra effort. Input measures that were not present in your previous break-ups. And do your best to stay away from your ex. Relocate if you have to. Do not be friends. That would just aggravate the possibility of another relationship.

Give each other time and space to grieve. This will make it easier for you.

3. Do not be afraid to walk out

I get it. You think you have been in the union long enough. And it is better to accept this toxic guy the way he is. No doubt, starting a new relationship and going through the talking stage, dates, acceptance, etc. can be so stressful. 

Fear has a way of hindering the good things in this life. Although after leaving this guy, you might not meet the love of your life and live happily ever after. At least you get to enjoy your singlehood and live your life boldly away from a toxic relationship.

4. No contact with the ex

no contact with the ex

This next point is prudent as the aim is to break a bad relationship cycle. I am not saying you can’t have a good friendship with your ex. But the moment you decide to call it quits for good, it’s best to make no contact. No doubt, social media has made contacting very easy. But do not fall for it!

Take a social media break if the temptation to contact him is high. You can also temporarily relocate if the chances of running into him are high. Trying to reach out to him because you miss him can backfire on the whole purpose of the 'final breakup'.

5. Sync your emotional health

Breaking up can be a nasty business. And it has a way of affecting your emotional health in ways you don't recognize. Worse yet, you might never be fully prepared for the devastating effects a toxic relationship can have on your emotional health. And in the long run, it can affect your general perception of yourself, those around you, and your mindset about relationships.

When taking care of yourself, your emotional health is as important as your physical health. During this emotionally fragile period of your off-again relationship, try to keep yourself occupied. Alternatively, seek help via counseling. This will help you to face your issue head-on, rather than shutting down and ignoring the issue at hand.

You can also practice self-care by going out for a massage, a vacation, or attending a concert by your favorite musician, etc. All these can help you rightly process your emotions as you go through this period.

6. Get the needed support 

Never undermine the importance of a support system. This is vital, especially in an off-again relationship situation. If it seems you and your ex can’t work out things, you are going to have to deal with the change in relationship status. This can affect you psychologically, emotionally, even physically.

A robust and reliable support system can help lessen the impact. You can do this by relying on family or health. Or, as mentioned earlier, you can seek help from a therapist to help you go through the healing process.

7. Dispose of anything that reminds you of him

When the relationship is over (for good), it is wise that you dispose of everything of your ex. It is unreasonable to wear his tee shirt to bed. You will be reminded of him and miss him. The result is that you will soon have an on-again relationship.

It will be all rainbows and sunshine until the reasons you broke rears its ugly head, then it is an off-again relationship. You can’t keep repeating the same mistakes and expect different results. All that breaking up and getting back together is not helpful.

So when you decide to finally break up, try something different like disposing of everything that reminds you of your ex. This can help you to move on. 

8. Be ready to change

be ready to change

Perhaps, you keep going back to your ex because he is the only person in your life. Perhaps you’ve been dating your ex since you were young. You have not experienced being in other relationships. Very likely, you are scared and you assume that life will be hard without him. 

Is it like pulling teeth getting him to spend time with you?
The key to solving is understanding men on a much deeper emotional level. The number #1 factor that causes men to behave this way is actually relatively easy to change with a few subtle things you can say to him.

Take this quick quiz to see if he actually likes you!

Ditch that mindset. It is said that the only constant thing in life is change. You can’t bound yourself in psychological chains because that is all you know. Do not be scared to go through change. Once you realize the relationship is not fulfilling, make a firm decision to let go and never look back.

9. Don’t listen to people with limited views

Be willing to let go of limiting views and mindsets. Some people argue that when you love someone, you must be with them by hook or crook. This argument is not always tangible. I say this because the toxicity of a partner can affect you negatively. It would be so unwise to stay with such a person. 

So, be weary of other people’s advice. Their opinions are not always true and not always for your own wellbeing. Their own perception of how to resolve a breakup might have worked out for them. That is fine. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that the success of other dating relationships will work for you.

10. Accept your mistakes

Perhaps, you are the one at fault and you feel the best way to redeem yourself is to initiate a comeback anytime the union is over. Regardless of whose fault it is, unstable relationships are unhelpful to your growth. So it is time to accept your mistake, own up to it, and move on. 

This can help you to grow, and also prove useful in your future dating relationships.

11. Write it down

Writing things down helps. It has a therapeutic way of helping you process the pain you might be going through. So, take a journal. Then write about the breakup, why it happened, and how it made you feel. Also, write about what your ideal relationship looks like.

Make a comparison between the two notes. Find out whether the guy you have been spending time with is the one for you, per your notes. If you realize he is not, do your best to quit the relationship once and for all. On-again-off-again unions are usually not helpful.

FAQs

Do on-again-off-again relationships ever work out?

Typically, these types of relationships are toxic for both parties. But, if a break in the relationship is healthy for both parties, then it can work out.

Are on-again-off-again relationships bad?

On-again-off-again relationships usually result in negative relationship traits. This is likely to make you toxic. So, unless this type of relationship is meant to make your union a healthy one, (which, in most cases, it is not) it is bad.

What causes on-again-off-again relationships?

People in on-and-off relationships break up the first time usually because they may be dissatisfied with the relationship. It is also possible that the couple is not able to make the relationship work. Another reason could be that one person cheated on the other. Other reasons include uncertainty, communication issues, low self-esteem, etc.

How do you get out of an on-again-off-again relationship?

To get out of an off-again relationship, you need to first identify why you keep the relationship cycling. Then, have an honest conversation with your spouse. Also, do not be scared to look for support when you need it. Do not allow yourself to be bullied.

How do I know if my breakup is final?

You know your breakup is final if you feel good when you are apart from your spouse. Also, you are relieved it is over. You don’t ever dream of a future with your ex. You two have different life goals. All these will make you know that it is finally over.

Conclusion

To end with, adhering to these ways can help you navigate your way out of an on-again relationship. Remember that you deserve the best. Never think that is not possible.

I hope you enjoyed reading this piece. Let me know your thoughts in the comments section. Kindly share this article.

Do you feel like all you think about is him, but he only thinks about himself?
This doesn't mean he doesn't like you. You have to understand how he is wired. Once you do, you'll find there is a subtle thing you can say that to him that will drastically change how he shows his emotions towards you.

Take this quick quiz that looks at whether he actually likes you or not!

Sonya Schwartz
A hopeless romantic that struggled for many years to find her Mr "Right" and made all the mistakes you could think of while dating. Known for always choosing the wrong guys or messing up relationships, Sonya was finally able to change her approach and mindset when it came to dating which helped her eventually find the man of her dreams and become happily married. You can read more about me here...

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.

Copyright © 2015 - 2022 HerNorm.com