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How To Be Confident In Bed When Overweight (19 Helpful Tips)

by Sonya Schwartz

Having trouble manifesting your best sexual self because of your weight? A large percentage of women your size feels the same way, thanks in no small parts, to pervasive cultural ideals as relates to sexuality and size.

Barring physical or health limitations, the “fat girl” stereotype and its resultant fear of rejection/being seen as ‘less’ are enough to dampen anyone’s sexual confidence. Yet, people of all sizes are out here defying the odds every single day and living their best lives, sexual and otherwise.

If you are tired of fitting in the pigeonhole society has inadvertently dug for you, you too can decide to change your narrative, starting with your sex life. Ahead are some pointers on how to feel more sexually confident in your own skin as well as in the boudoir when overweight.

19 Tips To Be More Confident In Bed When Overweight

1. Have sex with people who make you feel positive about yourself

Given multiple factoids typically contribute to struggles with sexual confidence, an effective way to address the issue is to back-pedal a little. One chief influence on your body image and self-esteem, in general, is the relationships you choose to surround yourself with. In this case, the people you have sex with can either lift your confidence or sink it even deeper.

If you’ve been doing the business with people who behave like they are doing you a favor or those with a fetish lay, that’s not exactly helping matters. The more time you spend around them, the longer you feed your subconscious the idea that they’re the best you can do. And that’s a shame since you’re capable of so much more. 

The road to confidence starts with you working up the courage to prune those who make you feel less off your list. In their stead, get with those who don’t make you hate yourself after the pleasure of having sex subsides.

2. Be kinder to yourself

be kinder to yourself

Nevertheless, you have some work to do on how you see and address yourself as well. As long as you’re lacking in self-love, there’s no incentive to not take any more BS, and as we’ve just established, limiting your exposure to negativity is vital. This starts with what you say and think of yourself when you look in the mirror.

It’s easy to be all about body positivity for the gram, but we both know it does little to curb the negative thoughts when it’s just you. But that’s okay. The idea isn’t to not have those days but to forgive yourself when you do and realize Rome wasn’t built in a day. 

You won’t undo agelong bias against fat people immediately, but you can work towards gradually reversing it starting with yourself, and the language you adopt when addressing you. Casting yourself (weight and all) in a new light will boost your confidence from within, and subsequently reflect in your sex life.

3. Spend time getting to know your body

Speaking of self-love, making it quite literally can also be quite the boon to your sexual confidence. Compliment your psychological efforts to be and love yourself with physical ones by single-handedly exploring your own sexuality. Practice intimacy with yourself away from the pressure of another person’s presence and try to focus on nothing but the pleasure.

Masturbation reminds you that you are as much as a sexual being as the next person, skinny, plus-size, and everyone in between. You’ll have more sexual pleasure and intimacy. You’ll also have better odds holding your own under pressure when you know what you’re doing than when you don’t. 

In the same way, touching yourself regularly and experimenting with positions and toys helps you navigate your sexuality more confidently, whether during self-help sessions or with someone else.

4. Explore different sex positions until you find what works

A simple trick to feel confident in bed irrespective of size is consistently pushing your comfort zone and trying different sex positions. You don’t want to be that girl whose only go-to move during sex with whoever is to lie down. Unless you’ve attempted every way and figured the only position for you is a particular one, don’t stop trying.

In addition to your practice from DIY sessions, have sex with people you feel comfortable enough with to try out novel styles and angles. You don’t have to ride your partner because everyone is doing it if you get exactly zero pleasure for it. 

Find sex positions that not only make you feel sexy but also let all parties involved experience pleasure as opposed to bending over backward to prove a point.

5. Be more open about your fears and inhibitions with your partners

Another way to become more self-assured in bed is to be vulnerable enough to be transparent with those you have sex with. Irrespective of your relationship, playing the naked game with someone is already as physically vulnerable as it gets. So, what’s a little pertinent information to keep everyone on the same page?

Put what you consider limitations, from health issues to physically challenging positions on the table, so you and your partners know what you’re working with. You don’t have to get overly emotional with every lay by telling them your deeply rooted history of self-hate. Just to let them in enough to help adjust to the most favorable pace for you.

Also, saying these things out loud sometimes helps you realize they’re not as big an issue as you think, and getting past them together can set an even bigger premise for intimacy.

6. Invest in outfits and accessories that boost your confidence

One of the fastest ways to feel more confident sexually is to look the part, and that’s why sexy lingerie will never go out of business. As with most other tips on the list, this one also has to do with being open to trying different stuff before settling on the very best. Think lingerie, sex toys, kink accessories, and other items that deserve a place in your ‘play kit.’ 

From outfits to accessories, be sure to consider not just how they look, but also how comfortable/empowered they make you feel. Remember, confidence starts from feeling at home in your own body, and that you’re more likely to feel like a goddess in something that fits you.

7. Stop comparing yourself to other girls in bed

On some level, every woman compares her body to others’ that she considers ideal. If you’re particularly embittered by your fleshy bits, this can be truer for you than most and could be inadvertently holding you back in bed.

Believe it or not, our knees kill us all when we get on top. Our backs hurt in certain positions, and everyone runs out of breath in the sack. Maybe being overweight means you experience some of these drawbacks a little sooner, but your softness also affords you some perks those with thinner frames wish they had.

8. Try to stay present at the moment

As a follow-up to the above, comparing yourself to other girls, real or imagined, is only one of the ways you let your weight hold you back in bed. From there, it’s a slippery slope to trying to figure out whether or not your partner truly loves your body or they just say it to be polite. 

Nuances and intimate gestures get lost on you because you’re often too busy analyzing their every move to tell if they’re comfortable. As such sex with you doesn’t quite flow as well as it can, and thus the eventuality you’re so afraid of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

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How about just trying to stay in the moment next time? Learn to keep your mind from straying and to consciously bring it back when it does. A good place to start is to trust in the fact that whoever you’re doing it with saw you in all of your voluptuousness before consenting to have sex with you.

9. Seize every opportunity to improve

seize every opportunity to improve

Meanwhile, loving yourself has nothing to do with coddling yourself or neglecting your lack of skill while hiding behind weight. It may not be on you to reclaim the term fat on behalf of every overweight person, but I’m sure you have personal reasons to bring your best game to bed.

So, remember that the next time you feel tempted to let go or think no one cares anyway. Ask questions instead of obsessing, try to take kindly to friendly criticism, be open-minded enough to try new things, ingest content on plus-size sex, etc. 

Leaving no stone unturned on your end in making sure you and your partner(s) enjoy sex enhances self-confidence because then you know you’re genuinely doing your best.

10. Draw confidence from strong points other than your body

They say beauty is only skin-deep, anyone worth their salt tends to look at more than just your looks, even in relations as physical as sexual ones. Mentally list something of pro about yourself for every body part of yours that you dislike.

Think about strong suits like your sense of humor, warmth, youth, ability to hold conversations, growing self-awareness, genuine willingness to improve, and more. Let these positive checklists not only make you feel beautiful but also remind you of what you bring to the table and why you should absolutely never settle.

11. Try not to take sex too seriously

Another way to become more confident in the bedroom is to see sex as exactly what it is: not a big deal. If it’s so commonplace that everyone from teenagers to nonagenarians confidently pulls it off, I don’t see why it should be causing you, a vibrant woman in your prime, any anxiety.

A key to preventing your insecurities from getting the best of you in bed is to introduce a sense of playfulness into the mix. See it as the pleasurable event it is, rather than an avenue to put you to some test so you can convince yourself to relax. Don’t be that girl who swears never to get naked again because some tactless person asks if those are stretch marks. 

Be the girl who’s able to make jokes about her silly orgasm faces and laugh over faux pas self-doubt might otherwise pose as one more reason she shouldn't be having sex.

12. Get creative about spicing things up in the boudoir

Once you internalize the fact that amazing sex isn’t only the right of people of smaller sizes, wanting to spice things up in the sack follows naturally. However, your jiggly bits might be limiting you when it comes to how you approach dialing the heat up. 

In other words, you could be holding yourself back in terms of sexual fantasies you entertain, the kinds of sex toys you buy, where and how you have sex, etc. Consistently work on getting out from under that fat shadow. You can start from the basics like leaving the lights on during sex, then gradually work your way up from there.

13. Engage in activities that get your blood pumping before sex

You need energy to even want to engage in sex at all, let alone be confident about it. That’s why physical activities like exercising come so highly recommended as it relates to sex drive. Its effects on body shape and image aside, experts say working out gets the blood flowing better down there, and the increased lubrications can boost libido.

Getting some moves in before getting down also releases both feel-good chemicals and sex hormones, so there’s that. All these in addition to feeling lighter after working out ought to empower you no matter who you’re having sex with. 

14. Get into setting the scene when you can

It would be ridiculous to expect you to always be ready to have sex, especially given some of the best ones catch us unawares. By all means, try to let go and have your fun when you or your partner get the ache. However, whenever you do get the chance to know of a lay beforehand, don’t hesitate to apply yourself to the details.

Everything matters from lighting to music to the scent that fills the air while you get filled. I’d also get items like lube, condoms, and everything in between at the ready to maximize the pleasure while staying safe.

15. Change your mindset about great sex

If you think having great sex is innate or something people are able to pull off automatically if they're skinny that has to change. Sexual compatibility takes work no matter what size you wear, and it just so happens that it directly correlates with improved satisfaction in the boudoir as well. 

If you are satisfied in the sack more often than not, it boosts your sexual confidence and you're more likely to want to do it again. However, you won't be if you don't apply yourself in the bedroom based on the defeatist mindset that great sex doesn't come in your size. 

Keeping an open mind also makes you less likely to give up on a partner after a disconnect/mistake, making them more comfortable with you and in essence, boosting their sexual confidence. This means your chances of having better sex are literally in your hands, and internalizing that alone should add a couple more feathers to your wings.

16. Be communicative with each partner

You are not supposed to know it all about sex, no one does because different things feel good for each person. As mentioned above, we are likely to judge our sexual prowess by how well we satisfy our partners and are more likely to enjoy it if they do. If you agree that competence in the sack makes you more confident, then you ought to do your best to achieve it. 

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And as with every other aspect of an intimate relationship, it takes two to tango. You need your partner to guide you to what feels good or not, rather than fumbling nervously hoping they like what made your ex squeal. Ditto yourself, hence, communication.

Ultimately, the idea is to get you to focus on getting better in bed as opposed to obsessing so much about your weight that you don't actually put any effort into improving yourself.

17. Keep working on loving and accepting yourself naked

Then again, I understand advice is often easier dished than done. On some level, most if not all of the items on this list aren’t groundbreaking information to you. You know to love your body, with and without clothes on, but it doesn’t necessarily make you look forward to getting naked.

It doesn’t always have to be a lone journey, what you may not be able to tell your bestie or even yourself, there are professionals trained to listen and help you. If you could use the support in getting your sexual mojo back, consider seeing a sex therapist or coach.

18. Key into and stay in touch with your sensuality

key into and stay in touch with your sensuality

Ask ten people to pick between dress size and sex appeal as their spec in a woman and nine and a half of them will go for the latter. As far as I’m concerned, getting your game up in that regard is how to keep all the boys (or girls) coming for more.

So, allow yourself to lean into your feminine energy in all of her supple flavor. Flirt with more than just clothes and make-up, and actually make people crave you before getting a chance to taste. Of course, all these still boil down to self-love, which is basically the summary of all we’ve been saying.

19. Have more sex

Finally, boost your sexual self-esteem by putting yourself out there more. Enough reading, time to get practical. Only this time, don't just focus on just what your partner's thinking or feeling but yours as well. You are not there solely for anyone’s pleasure, if it’s not equally pleasurable it’s not worth your while.

Be willing to walk away if a certain partner doesn't suit you as there are plenty more deserving fishes in the sea. It's easy to settle for someone who's already “seen you at your worst,” the devil you know and all, but don't feel obligated to endure mediocrity. Not when you deserve and can get so much better. 

FAQs

How can I feel confident when I’m fat?

Besides losing the fat itself, building skills and racking up feats that make you proud are some other confidence-boosting things you can try. You can also surround yourself with relationships that make you feel positive and try as much as possible not to compare yourself to others.

How can I improve myself in bed?

Get in touch with your body to learn what works and how by masturbating. Communicate with your partner about what feels good (or not) and encourage them to do the same. You can also spice up your sex life with dirty talk and sex toys. Finally, don’t be afraid to get vulnerable.

Is it okay to be chubby?

Depends on how you look at it. While it has cute connotations when referring to a toddler it’s often used to describe adults who are on the heavy side. While being chubby is absolutely okay in that people come in different sizes, it’s worth watching health-wise because it can be a slippery slope from there to becoming overweight.

How can I make my body feel more positive?

Try as much as you can to not be sedentary. Try to lead a physically active lifestyle and eat healthily. Keep your body weight in check, get enough sleep, practice self and skin-care routines, try to stay clean. More importantly, try not to compare yourself to others, and love yourself while working to improve your imperfections.

How do I start loving my body?

Loving your body starts by being kinder in your dealings with it in and out of clothes. From the statements you utter in front of the mirror naked to the ones you think to yourself, consciously try to keep them positive. You can also grow confidence in your body by working out, practicing meditation, and of course, seeking professional help.

In Summary

I hope this helps. Just remember not to have sex chiefly for practice’s sake and learn to love your body. Make an adventure of each lay and have fun every step of the way. This is the best way to make the efforts you put into boosting your sexual confidence not feel like work. If you liked the piece, let me know in the comments, and feel free to share.

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Sonya Schwartz
A hopeless romantic that struggled for many years to find her Mr "Right" and made all the mistakes you could think of while dating. Known for always choosing the wrong guys or messing up relationships, Sonya was finally able to change her approach and mindset when it came to dating which helped her eventually find the man of her dreams and become happily married. You can read more about me here...

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