Without laying too much emphasis on the obvious, being a loner means to prefer and enjoy solitude than socializing. It's weird to some people, especially non-loners, why anyone would prefer and love isolation when it's not a court order.
But to these unique solitude-loving creatures, it's one of the best ways to live. For starters, there's nothing wrong with being a loner. They are not broken and being a loner is not a medical problem. They are just amazing people that find their own company enough for them.
While they might prefer and function well in isolation, they are also perfectly capable of sharing their spaces with strangers and those close to them when they need to. So, if your new love interest happens to be a loner, trust me, you might need a few tips, especially if you are not a loner yourself.
If you are ready, here are more than a few things you might want to know if you are considering starting a relationship with a loner. In the end, you'll know if dating a loner is right for you.
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If you are falling in love with a loner and you worry why they seem like a hard nut to crack, first understand it’s not something related to a medical problem. According to experts, many of them choose to be by themselves mostly because they have very little or no need for acceptance from others.
Yes, some may indeed have picked up the love for solitude from childhood as a coping mechanism against abuse or because of the absence of friends or family. For others, it's innate. Either way, it's not a problem. Unlike non-loners, they have little need for affiliation before they can feel happy or complete.
While an average person can become bored because of not interacting with a third party over a couple of days or more, a loner is just fine all by himself. Simply put, their own company is enough fun and enjoyment.
Relationships with someone who prefers to be alone than being with others can be far from conventional. You might want to know that solitude-loving individuals are not the same. Some people live this life because they naturally grew up enjoying solitude, perhaps because it's innate or due to upbringing, masking them to embrace it as what works best for them.
Others may have unintentionally switched to solitude at some point of their growing years as a defense or coping mechanism against abuse, repetitive cases of abandonment, etc. Research shows that understanding why a person prefers solitude is essential to bonding with them and enjoying a healthy relationship together.
Like I mentioned at the start of this article, being a loner doesn't mean the person has a medical impairment of the mind or hates people. On the contrary, they can enjoy the company and spend time with others when they need to rise.
They may not enjoy a random gathering of drinking and partying, but they are quite capable of enjoying people that share the same interests with them. What's more, they enjoy other people's company only in small doses. Meaning, even though they had a nice time with you last night, perhaps you shared the same interest, make no mistake, that's not a visa to have another get-together the next day and the day after that.
Contrary to people's opinion about loners, that they are naturally sad, people-hating, and anti-social creatures, they come with different personalities. Just as the average person out there can have an annoying, joyful, angry, or wicked personality, loners can also express happy vibes.
They may love to dance, sing karaoke, and so on, but that doesn't mean they are comfortable doing these things with people or in public. Like non-loners, they have preferences, however, the one characteristic similar to all loners is that they prefer doing that thing alone than with others.
Like I mentioned earlier, a loner may have picked up the solitary way of life as a coping mechanism. That's not something you want to jump into their lives to change. If you like and want to date them, you might first need to accept them for who they are.
Trust me, it's better that way. If you have successfully crossed the walls around them, i.e., got them to like you enough to share some of their personal space with you, you could ruin it by trying to change them. They are not broken. They don't see themselves that way, so don't try to fix them.
You might not have thought about this one but they sometimes lack some basic social skills. This shouldn't come as a surprise since they don't spend too much time socializing with people that'll make them naturally pick these skills up. For example, non-loners have developed social skills like being courteous and naturally friendly to strangers.
So, even if they are not particularly into you, they may still smile, receive you warmly, and act all friendly. However, that's not the case with your potential loner boyfriend. If he doesn't find you interesting to share his space with, he might not even say hi or respond to you hello.
Even if you are trying to date a non-loner, rushing things is not recommended as you may be a move that will push them away. Similarly, you should muster a lot of patience with a potential loner boyfriend. If you are just getting to know each other, perhaps you are both colleagues at work or coursemates in college, nothing will ever work if you lose your patience with a loner.
As a lady, I know it's exciting when you meet someone new, you want to spend more time together, bond, and get more intimate. With a loner, you have to let him come out at his pace. This way, he feels accepted and may open up to you easily.
If you are still in the phase of knowing each other, i.e., you both have not officially started dating, remotely engaging your potential loner boyfriend might be an effective approach to sailing the "ship." It's a good thing we are in the era of mobile phone technology. Virtually everyone uses a mobile phone that can send instant messages, or call.
While a loner may enjoy solitude, they enjoy the internet, social media, and other virtual means of connecting with the world like everyone else. So take advantage of that and first build the necessary rapport that will make in-person engagement or interaction easier. If you and your loner guy can establish points of interest on the phone, you'll bond easier when you spend time together.
Perhaps the rapport between you both is becoming stronger, trying to force them to engage in social outings may not be the best approach to enjoying a relationship with them. Even if you are the type that enjoys being around people or your job involves many social events, and want to share your world with your loner partner, it’s best to let them see the need of supporting you on their own.
There are ways to force someone without dragging them. For example, statements like: “You need to do it for me,” “Let's go together if you care about me,” “It’s not that hard to just show up,”
He might choose to go because you forced him but you could be making him uncomfortable. This way, you may also end up pushing him away. Remember when you accept him for who he is, getting along and the rest will be much easier.
On a lighter note, if you somehow tried and successfully "dragged" a loner boyfriend to a social gathering, make no mistake, that doesn't mean he'll be staying all through. He might just pull a disappearing act on you.
The truth is, they are not usually interested in small talks and the usual chit-chat common in the gathering of spontaneously friendly non-loners. So, escaping to his comfort zone may just be his only option in such a situation. You'll do well to respect his decision when this one happens.
You might not intentionally be guilty of this one if it happens because you may feel you are trying to help, so it's a good thing you are here. It's not uncommon for non-loners to later complain about their loner partners of not compromising their solitude "stand."
I understand that when you date someone you naturally worry about their safety, well-being, happiness, and so on. But here's the thing, loving solitude is not a decision people personally choose for fun.
While being alone may not be innate for some of them, most loners have been that way as long as they can remember, mostly from childhood. So, technically, it has become a natural way of life. If you don't want friction or tension between you both, avoid making them feel their nature is a curse or disadvantage to you or them. You should avoid phrases like: “I love you, but it’s not okay to be alone,” “You need to change yourself a bit,” “Being social is better than hiding,”
For a person that chooses to remain in their shell and prefers it that way, they might be proud when you first meet them. Because they may not be interested in socializing, chances are, you might not see the bright smile or enthusiasm you expect even when you say hi. In fact, they may be so engrossed in their world even while in public that they may not be aware you are trying to talk to them.
So, yes, they may come across as cocky people. Still, if you know they are a lone wolf, you'll understand it may take some more than a minute to get through to them. If you are interested in them, just talk to them some other time, but in a less direct approach that doesn't appear like you want to invade their territory.
While some people's idea of unwinding may be to gather with friends or go to parties, loners are not wired that way. Solitude is a more rewarding and fulfilling way of unwinding. Don't take it the wrong way, they have gotten used to the solitary way of life over the years, so choosing to be alone over an invitation to hang out is only natural. So when you initiate a move that involves socializing e.g., hanging out with friends, they might say no but it doesn't mean they don't like you.
I earlier mentioned that it's quite common for loners to date non-loners more than they date themselves as a relationship of the latter usually doesn't work well. Loners understand this and often choose to be with someone that can push them out of their solitude when they should socialize but prefer not to.
That said, even though I may have emphasized not forcing them to socialize, they occasionally need the push. They might not say yes. Just give it a rest and try again. However, doing it without criticizing their nature is key to not making them feel bad about their choices, which could push them away.
If you do plan to give a loner some occasional push, try to avoid surprises. To date loners, adopting routine and planning works better. Unlike non-loners that the news of a surprise lunch date or a trip to Disneyland can cause excitement, loners may feel the opposite. Because your idea of fun may not usually be the same as his, rain check excuses are something you'll hear quite often.
Research shows that even extreme loners can be social. However, the condition has to be favorable for them. Many of them have social preferences, which may include but are not limited to, a relatively small gathering, less or next to noise, discussion of things that interest them, etc.
Non-loners may start to get along with you after one or two meetings. In fact, sex may already be on the table after a couple of hangouts. A loner, on the other hand, will naturally take a while before bringing down those walls around them.
Yes, they may like you and think you are a good-looking person, but that doesn't mean you should expect a seamless flow of communication whenever you meet. If you don't share his interests, you shouldn't expect him to open up to you.
This one should be expected from someone that cherishes their space and enjoys their own company. Because socializing isn't spontaneous or desired for them the way they cherish their alone time, it's only natural that they will be territorial and sensitive.
Therefore, one or two "wrong" moves or statements from you can make them switch back into their solitude mode. It took them a lot to bring down those walls, but they can mount it back up as fast as possible.
Yes, when you are dating a loner, his sensitivity might mean being careful with throwing some statements or even sarcasm his way. However, his sensitivity might also make him a thoughtful partner. Because he's quite touchy, he'll also be less likely to be insensitive to your feelings.
What's more, his sensitivity will also likely make him attentive and a good listener. Which lady doesn't want such qualities in her man?
I mentioned earlier that it's best not to force your loner guy into engaging in social activities or accompanying you to gatherings. Well, social media is no different. Yes, they enjoy the entertainment that comes with social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and so on.
In their solitude, these platforms are one of the ways they get away like non-loners. However, if you are active on the internet, just as he likes his solitude and avoids attention, he doesn't want to be in the virtual/online spotlight.
You can take this one as a sequel to the tip above. Because he's not the type that enjoys any type of spotlight, whether virtual or physical, he's not usually interested in putting someone in the spotlight too.
If you love all the social media styles of loving that are common these days, you might not get that from a loner boyfriend. He's not hiding you from the world, and it's not because he's not proud to show you off, but the truth is, he's not wired for that style of loving.
If you are going to date a loner, you might want to remember being shy might be part of the package. For a person that has embraced the solitude lifestyle right from childhood, chances are, public display of affection might not be their thing.
As I said, they are quite capable of sharing their personal space and enjoying other people's company. However, it may depend on the type of loner as earlier mentioned. Altogether, patience, understanding, and allowing enough time to bond will reveal if your partner is big on public display of affection.
Non-loners may be quick to express their displeasure, anger, or frustration, which may be a sign of showing how much their partner's words or actions affect them. Loners, on the other hand, may withdraw to their comfort zone when you express your displeasure, expecting an explanation/apology. It's not like they don't care how you feel.
However, you might need to understand that you'll be dealing with someone that probably doesn't have too many exes, and doesn't get into too many conflicts because of their nature. Meaning, instead of choosing to talk about issues and showing they care about your feelings, crawling into the personal space makes more sense. But don't worry, it'll get better as time goes by and you'll get used to each other.
They are usually quiet people, so when they love or are pleased with you, they have their way of expressing it. You may not get the wow, or exciting type of expression from them when you share things. Still, it doesn't mean they don't care. Don't feel disappointed, when the reality is less than your expectation. Sometimes what excites you may not excite them. But it's okay to initiate an honest talk about it.
Dating someone that enjoys his own company more than being with others can be frustrating sometimes. Trust me, it can appear like they don't need or want you around them, but don't want to tell you. You just need the patience to navigate the relationship with them. Because they'll still be interested in their alone time even when you both may have started dating, you may sometimes feel neglected. Just allow some time, they'll come around.
Like I said earlier, expect a lot of silent reactions from your potential loner boyfriend. Instead of trying to get through to him to trash things out or feel neglected like he doesn't care about your feelings, you might also want to know how to use the silent treatment.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't mean you should be vindictive by paying him back with his own coin. But because of his nature, letting him be would naturally be one of your best approaches. He'll come around when he feels comfortable spending time with you.
A loner doesn’t hang out with people very often, so they mostly don’t know some things are left as a thought at the back of the mind or presented in a less annoying or patronizing way. So you might find that he’s brutally honest with his submissions or opinions.
If they annoy you or sound inconsiderate, you’ll do well to understand that it isn’t an intentional move to make you upset. That’s just the way they are wired.
Demisexuals are people that require time to bond with others before they can develop a sexual attraction. This may be the case with some of the loners. This isn't uncommon for a person that enjoys being alone and requires a longer timer to break into their personal space.
If you get closer to your loner partner and the sparks in the bedroom aren't flying, it may be because they require some time to form an emotional bond with you. It's not a reason to abort the mission. Spending quality time together can help fix the issue.
Dating a loner can seem like you are in a relationship with two people or like you are in a relationship with someone that has a dual personality. That's because one minute, they are open to sharing their comfort zone with you, but the next minute, it seems they want you to let them be.
While that may be a handful for some people, a personified oxymoron can make relationships more interesting as everything isn't predictable and boring. The truth is, it's not going to be simple or straightforward with dating someone that prefers solitude and sometimes consciously seeks out alone time when you may want quality time with him.
Like I mentioned in this article, most loners may prefer solitude but are not incapable of sharing their space with you. However, if you are going to make things easier for you both in a relationship, it's essential that you consciously let your partner have his alone time. I know couples should do things together as much as possible when they have the time so that they can build a healthy relationship.
Even more, therapists and many relationship experts even recommend it. Still, you want to remember that non-loners and loners aren't the same. Research shows that some loners not only love solitude but actively seek it and feel anxious when they are not having enough alone time.
It's not normal for couples to be naturally concerned about each other's well-being in relationships. While that shouldn't be any different in relationships with a person that prefers solitude, you might want to avoid being his therapist, telling him he needs to go out more or that too much solitude isn't good for him.
No like being criticized for who they are, especially when they are not hurting anyone and it's their nature. You may push him away or cause regular conflict in such a relationship.
Being in a relationship with someone who naturally thrives better in solitude often means you'll be dealing with a partner that is in tune with his emotions at a deeper level.
So, expect this trait will also manifest between you both. Being concerned, empathizing, easily understanding your emotions, etc., can be some of their strengths even though they may sometimes physically be unavailable.
While all relationships and personalities aren't the same, most loners are loyal in relationships. A person that hardly jumps at making friends or into dating scenarios because they love solitude would not spontaneously start cheating on you.
Imagine a solitude-loving person connecting with random strangers and hitting off with a one-night stand in the name of having fun or blowing off steam. Yeah, I couldn't picture it too. If you find love with them, you'll likely enjoy some peace, which is cool.
I hate to break it to you, but depending on the kind of loner you are dealing with, relationships with them may be a little boring. So be honest with yourself. If you are an adrenaline junkie, who jumps on parties and other social events impromptu, you might not have your partner on the same boat with you. You don't need me to tell you two people with varying interests may require a lot of work to make things work.
Relationships with people that love solitude can sometimes appear like they are pushing you away. Try not to feel bad or disappointed when these scenarios happen, he's just used to doing things himself, including dealing with his emotions alone. So, don't push it when he seems like he doesn't want your help.
Again, because they are used to being on their own and doing things themselves, it's not uncommon to observe some traits of being overly possessive with his things. You may notice this behavior in the style of arrangement of things in his apartment.
If you visit him, try not to move things around, it could send a message that you are trying to change him or want to force your opinion of doing things on him. Nobody wants that, especially a loner.
Being in relationships means sharing many things, which includes time, a bed, an apartment, and so on. Still dating a solitude-loving person may mean you have to ask before crashing their space, even though you are both in a relationship.
Their alone time is important to them. It might not be a good idea to initiate surprise visits. It's romantic, but just asking to see him if you miss him is better than crashing his personal/alone parties.
As simple as the life of a loner might sound, you might sometimes feel like you are walking on eggshells being with him. Not because they are putting pressure on you, but because you want to respect their boundaries and also don't want to appear like you are becoming too distant.
The truth is, they might not come out to tell their partners they miss them. In fact, they may not miss others even though they may want company. So if you give your partner space, so as not to complicate issues, it's okay to reach out when you want to spend time with them. Altogether, you just need understanding and patience to deal with your loner.
When your relationships start to blossom, an idea of a good bonding time that they enjoy is also a time in solitude. But this time, you are sharing the space with him. Apart from enjoying his personal space, like his apartment, a perfect representation of solitude, like a weekend at an isolated lake house, with just you, them, and nature can sit well with him as a surprise getaway date.
They are not just lovers of solitude, many of them also actively seek alone time and may even personally feel uncomfortable for not getting enough of it. So don’t be surprised if the one you want to go into a relationship with bluntly tells you to give him some space. Don’t feel upset as it doesn’t mean they don’t like you. It’s just their natural desire of wanting solitude.
I mentioned earlier that loners aren't the same. That means his preferences, desire for alone time, desire for company, etc., might be different. The more you understand him the better you can respect each other. He may desire alone time and not expect you to disturb them yet be under the same roof or room.
You may also be in a relationship with a loner that expects to move to your own place when he needs his alone time. Another example is, watching movies can be a hobby, but watching it with someone else isn't necessarily enjoyable
Understand that he might have a hard time meeting and get along with your friends. If you are the type that wants your man and your friends to get along because you have friends close to you like family, you might need to think of going into a relationship with him. The key to getting along with people that enjoy solitude is to respect their preferences.
It might be inevitable for your boyfriend to meet your family, especially when you both have decided to take the relationship to the level of "walking down the aisle." However, if you have not decided on marriage, you might want to make sure he's ready. Meeting family is technically expanding the scope of the relationship. Therefore, accept his wishes if he's not ready.
Yes, it is totally possible for them to have functional and healthy relationships. They are not psychopaths, so they are capable of finding love, falling in love, and sharing their personal space with others. What's more, they know non-loners are often a good fit for them, so many of them often end up with non-loners in relationships.
They are people that function effectively on their own. They prefer solitude rather than hanging with others as they have next to zero need for validation from others. What's more, they may love solitude, it doesn't mean they are not capable of enjoying other people's company. However, they have preferences for socializing scenarios.
They may crave privacy, enjoy the silence, and love to spend time with themselves, but they fall in love too. It might take a while to open up and bond with others, but when they do, they are usually loyal and marry their non-loners counterparts more often.
The first sign is that they love to be by themselves more than socializing. If you find that you don't seek to bond or miss social interaction with people. If group meetings or group projects bug you, i.e., you typically like to fly solo for virtually everything, then you are a loner.
It's tough there and people sometimes need help or interaction with others to get by. Being a loner may be seen by non-loners as weird, however, it is courageous to prefer navigating the waters and storms of this world by oneself. Being a loner says the person is self-sufficient, easy-going, a self-starter, not afraid to make mistakes in the journey to success.
If you are worried about being a good fit with a loner, your worries are totally valid. However, it might interest you to know that loners are not known to date other people like them often. Two of them in a relationship is usually a recipe for a relationship that won't work.
So, it's okay that you like a loner as it's something that's more common than you think. Many non-loners have made it work with their loner partners. I hope you enjoyed reading this article. Go ahead and share with your friends.