We all wish to find someone in our life with whom we can have an emotional connection and share all our feelings without being judged. If you are a queer, looking for a relationship that is more than friendship and where you make your own rules, then a queerplatonic relationship is the best for you. But how to know you are in a queerplatonic relationship?
Read on to know the signs that you are in a queerplatonic partnership and the boundaries you must have in these relationships.
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First things first, what is a queerplatonic relationship?
In 2014 the expression quasiplatonic relationships was invented for a spec community who were awkward with using the word queer. These are intimate relationships, which usually do not have romance in them. They are different from friendships because of a deeper and more intense emotional bond.1
Queerplatonic partnerships are different from romantic relationships as these relationships can be non-sexual in nature, where there is no kissing, hand holding, or sex. However, in a QPR you can choose to do all these things and much more - there are just no rules!
These relationships are based on deep emotional attachment, where the individuals involved cannot imagine a life without each other. The feelings in these relationships can be romantic or sexual, or neither.
Sometimes you can be in a queerplatonic partnership without knowing it. This relationship is usually much more than a friendship and less than a romantic relationship. Below are the signs that you are in a queerplatonic relationship.
One of the most vital signs that you are in a queerplatonic relationship is that you want to spend all your free time with your partner, as being with them fills you with happiness and comfort. You automatically say yes to the plans they make, as being with them gives you butterflies in the stomach.
If your relationship with your partner is purely platonic, you will constantly worry about if you have said something too sexual or intimate. However, you would still find it difficult to control your emotions in front of them.
Even if the person in question is not your lover, you still share all your desires and deep secrets with them without any fear of judgment.
There is another level of emotional closeness and attraction in the relationship without you both being in a romantic relationship. Whenever something important happens in your life, they are the first person you wish to share the news with.
If you are not in a romantic relationship, there are chances that you do not call each other ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’. However, that does not mean that you can't have nicknames for each other.
There is an unexplainable emotional connection between you two, and you are so compatible with each other that you think the same things.
Even if there is no sexual or romantic relationship between you two, you can go on for hours talking to each other and easily read each other’s minds. You two also share many interests, so there is never uncomfortable silence between you.2
Even if you do not share a romantic or sexual relationship with your QPR partner, you get jealous if they talk about their other friends in front of you. It is not like you do not want them to have any other friends or get into a relationship, but you get jealous when they talk to their friends in front of you as you do not want to share with them.
If you are in a queerplatonic relationship, you will get jittery when you receive a message from your partner, as you will be filled with excitement and many possibilities.
When you are with your partner, you can be yourself without any fear of judgment. You do not have to put an effort to be liked by them, as you know, even after knowing your deepest, darkest secret; they will always be there for you. And they know you will also always be there for them.
Even if it is a non-romantic relationship, you still want your partner to compliment your dress or appearance. Their approval means a lot to you; once they approve, it does not matter what others think about you.
In a queerplatonic relationship, you will find that you and your partner are always on the same page. Even without any sexual aspect, you are so attached that you understand one another completely.
As you know a lot about each other, you can joke about each other’s situations. Even when you are with your friends, you both keep sharing private jokes, which people around you do not get.
Being in a queerplatonic relationship will make you feel complete, and you will get a feeling that it was something you have been looking for a long time.
Even without any romantic or sexual connection, you will get butterflies whenever you are with them. Time spent with them is always exciting and fun, and there is no dull moment when you are with them.
In a queerplatonic relationship, both partners start becoming alike in their mannerisms and body language without even realizing it. People involved in queerplatonic partnerships start using the same words and phrases and become a lot like each other in several ways.
Not only the mannerism, when in a QPR you also start dressing like your partner. When you go shopping, you will find yourself picking clothes for yourself that your partner usually wears.
Even if you are an introvert in the habit of canceling plans made with friends, you will not do this with your queerplatonic partner. In fact, you will always look forward to spending time with them.
Even with no romantic attraction, the chemistry between you two is so strong that people often mistake you for romantic partners. You get frequent calls from people asking about your QPR relationship.
If you are already in a romantic affair and your partner is not convinced that you share just friendship with another person and is jealous of the romantic friendship, then the chances are you’re in a quasiplatonic relationship.
A queerplatonic relationship does not always need to be sexual or romantic in nature. It can also have close friendship between queerplatonic couples, but sometimes there can be a sexual or romantic attraction between the people involved.
In a queerplatonic relationship, there may or may not be sexual attraction or platonic attraction, or romance. However, one thing that is always present in such relationships is emotional intimacy. This is one reason queerplatonic relationships are more common among aromantic and asexual communities.3
Man is a social animal who has needs for sex, romance, physical affection, emotional dependence, etc. However, when you are in a quasiplatonic relationship, a single person can fulfill all your needs.
If people do not speculate about your relationship, they tease you as you both are people of the same gender who spend a lot of their time together. The sexual or romantic attraction between you two is something that people cannot miss.
It is difficult for you to envision a future without them and vice versa, and you both plan a life around each other.
Having a queerplatonic partner in your life makes everything easier for you as you can conquer the world together. They are always there to pull you up when you need them.
A QPR does not need to be non-romantic or non-sexual, people in a QPR can have sexual relationships among themselves, and there are no pre-set societal expectations to follow.
Even if you two are not in a full-blown romantic or sexual relationship but have still shared sexual intimacy a few times, it is a sign that you are in a queerplatonic relationship.
Queerplatonic partnerships do not always have to be non-romantic. While some of these relationships might just have a platonic friendship between the partners, others might be romantic relationships and see physical affection between the partners.4
Intimate relationships between queerplatonic partners might look like normal relationships where you live in the same house with your queerplatonic partner and create major life activities and do a lot of life planning together. Ultimately, it depends on you and how you want your bond to be and has little to do with the already set societal norms.
People in queerplatonic relationships make their own rules and boundaries depending on their comfort level. Below are some boundaries which you should discuss before entering such relationships.
You both need to agree on whether you want a strictly platonic relationship or whether the relationship will have sex or romance.
Living together does not mean there would necessarily be sex or romance in the relationship. People in QPRs can choose to have non-sexual and non-romantic relationships even when living together.
If you both have decided that your queerplatonic relationship would be intimate and not just platonic, you need to describe the level of intimacy. For example, will there be only hand-holding and kissing or full sex?
It can be awkward if one of you refers to the other as ‘boyfriend’ and the other refers to you as ‘friend.’ Therefore, you should decide what you call each other. Zucchini and marshmallow are common names for your queerplatonic partner in the a-spec community.
If one partner wants the bond to be strictly platonic, then you need to ask them to describe what they consider romantic gestures. You both must be on the same page regarding bed-sharing, gifting, etc., as these gestures have different significance in romance and friendship.
If you choose to live together, you must make a budget and plan how to manage the expenses.
Make a decision about whether you will be each other’s date for all the important events to which you are invited or you want to keep the relationship under wraps.
Make sure you both are on the same page about how much time you want to spend with each other per week and what you want to do in this time.
Decide whether you both are comfortable with the idea of dating other people.
Everybody has their own triggers that they cannot accept in any relationship. Ensure you know each other’s triggers before forming a queerplatonic relationship.
No matter how strong the relationship is, unfortunately, various factors can lead to the end of the relationship. You and your partner need to decide what will happen if your queerplatonic relationship breaks. Will it be the end, or will you continue the platonic relationship?
If one or both of you are in romantic relationships with other people, you should make it a point to prioritize your lover over your QPR partner.5
People in QPRs can have platonic relationships or have romantic or sexual relationships, or even desire to get married. Make sure you both are on the same page regarding the relationship's future.
Some people are not comfortable taking help from others, even if they are in queerplatonic partnerships. So it is best to describe to your partner what you can take help with and what not.
A quasiplatonic relationship is different from what people consider socially acceptable for a platonic relationship, as the couple makes their own rules. However, that does not mean you must agree with everything your partner wishes for in the relationship.
Everybody enters a relationship with some expectations, some of which may feel justified to the other party and others not. Before you enter a queerplatonic relationship, describe to your partner what you want in the relationship and how much you can give.
While certain people desire sex as soon as they get up in the morning, others can live days without any sexual contact. If it is decided that your queerplatonic relationship will have sex, describe to your partner your needs and preferences for sex, so you both are on the same page.
If one or both of you are in romantic or sexual relationships with other people, make sure they know about your QPRs partners and never feel threatened by them.
No matter how strong the attraction between you and your queerplatonic partner is, there are chances that sometimes their words or actions hurt you. In such a situation, you must describe how their words made you feel, and you will never tolerate their hurtful behavior.
While you both might be crazy about each other, discussing how much access a lover has to your digital presence is important.
You both will never always like each other’s friends, but that should not determine who you both can be friends with. Sit and describe to your partner when they can make a reasonable decision on your friendship.
Money is an essential aspect of relationships. It is important to discuss with your partner if you both are comfortable with lending money to each other if the need arises, how you will pay for the outings and vacations, etc.
Even if your queerplatonic relationship is based only on friendship, it does not mean your partner can disrespect you as they consider you their friend.6
It depends on you both how much of your queerplatonic attraction you want to disclose to your friends and family. Once you decide on the level of communication you should keep with each other’s family and friends, you both must stick to it.
No matter how happy queerplatonic relationships are, there are bound to be disagreements. Your relationship must have hard lines to separate disagreements from full-blown fights. Make it a point not to bring up the past, which can worsen matters.
As you are different individuals, it is natural that you both have different needs and desires from the relationship, which keep changing with time. Therefore, you both, from time to time, should sit with each other and describe your expectations.
No matter how strong the queerplatonic attraction in your relationship is and how you always desire to be with each other, for a relationship to thrive, you must give space to one another.
Yes, queerplatonic partners can kiss, hold hands, and even have sex. As these relationships are different from platonic relationships, the people in them make the rules based on what they are comfortable with.
Yes, queerplatonic relationships can turn romantic in some cases, but that is not a necessity and totally depends on the people involved and how they want the relationship to be.
All relationships should have boundaries, so there are minimum conflicts. In the case of a queerplatonic partnership, the couple involved should make their own rules and boundaries after having a mutual discussion.
Queerplatonic relationships are non-romantic relationships that are more than friendship. However, couples in these relationships make their own rules and can engage in sex or decide to live as lovers. These relationships are based on emotional intimacy and make the people involved in them happy, loved, and heard.
Have you ever been in a queerpartner relationship? How did things go? Were things different from a friendship or romantic relationship? Let us know in the comments.
Remember, queerplatonic relationships can be very fulfilling, provided you both are on the same page. However, just like any other relationship, this relationship also needs some boundaries.