Search icon

How To Figure Out What You Want In A Relationship (13 Simple Ways)

Many people love to be in relationships for all the positive reasons—be it physical or otherwise. The problem comes when they don’t have an idea of exactly what they want.

Going into relationships is a big step for some people even though they could be a bit unbearable to handle sometimes. It gets harder when you’re a lady who knows what she really wants but feels guilty asking for it or feels like she would be imposing her decisions on someone else. 

But that aside, according to relationship experts, when women know what they want and need and they get it, sometimes, they realize they may have been thinking of the wrong things. This sometimes increases the roller coaster of dating and breakups. If you ask people what they really want in life, they could say love and happiness with no clue on how to achieve them. 

The same thing applies to someone in a relationship. They may have a long list of what they want and need, some could be easy to achieve and some may not. However, these things are deeper than they seem and they’re easier said than done. So, how do you really figure out what you want in a partner? Keep reading to see 13 ways on how to approach this.

13 Ways To Figure Out What You Want In A Relationship

1. Figure out what you don’t want

When you feel it’s hard to figure out exactly what you want in a relationship, you could try checking what you don’t want. That may not be as tricky as the first so it could be easier to do. Sometimes, looking out for what you don’t like does the magic.

Look out for the key issues that throw you off balance—how long you would want your relationship to be, and how well you can manage them for that period. Sometimes, people call these negatives red flags. If you’re not comfortable with them, then you may not want them to be part of your everyday life. But if they’re not a big deal, then you’re good to go.

2. Recognize your values

recognize your values

Sometimes, relationships could make you go overboard. You find yourself doing the things you wouldn’t do normally for your partner because you love him. Ask yourself if you’re happy doing it for him. There are certain values you may not want to let go of because they make you grow. 

These qualities should not affect a healthy relationship. So, do you mind if anyone takes those values away, or would you rather hold on to them? Are you willing to sacrifice them to keep the man? Or can you start and survive a whole new life without needing them? Questions like this would help you know the kind of partner to be with. 

3. Boundaries and limits

Thesociety we live in requires women to be as strong as they can when need be. As a partner, it’s advised to have boundaries for certain things even when your relationship is smooth. So it’s fine if you set some in your relationship to help mold some attitudes. 

Observe how your partner reacts to them. Also, look at the boundaries he sets as well. His flexibility and reaction towards certain issues would give you the insight to know if you want to stay and endure some things or not, and how long you’d be him.

4. Analyze your past relationships

There’sa reason why you have past relationships. They are there to teach you lessons on how best to handle the present or future ones. Make a list of the negative things that made you break up with your ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands and look out for them in your current relationship.

By now, you may have already known the ones that made you happy, sad, or disgusted. If you observe a repetition of any of them, see if they are negatives you can correct, prevent, survive or manage. Remember, if you overlook them again, they may affect your mental health, your career, or your life as a whole.

5. Observe other people’s relationships

observe other people's relationships

Observing other people dating and how they do it together enlightens you more. It could be how a husband treats his wife, or the little thoughtful acts they do to bring in more love and understanding. Or it could be how they manage situations daily to survive with each other.

You may also see flaws each of them cope with which you feel may be difficult for you to accept. When you see many couples, their ways of tolerating each other and listen to their tips on how to tolerate one another, you’d get to know what you want in a partner. 

6. Understand your partner’s emotions

It’s not just about you. If you’re already in a relationship with a man, it’s good to understand his emotions to be on the same page. Most relationships grow faster when the two individuals involved in communicating. Talk about it together to know how he feels whenever you are around.

He may be more of the sensual person who feels relationships should be about and you could be the fun person. Whatever his emotions are, think of the kind of relationship you want with him. If you want a short term thing and you can manage that, then it’s fine but if it’s going to be long term, you may want to rethink it.

7. Your dreams and goals

Dreams, goals, aspirations, plans, call it anything. You need as much support as you can to bring them to life. Anything you do or involve yourself in should compliment them for your good. This means whoever you choose to be with should be able to accept them as much as they want to be with you.

On your part, you should be able to support his aspirations too. It doesn’t have to be anything serious, it could just be either of you being a listening ear to each other or making positive or encouraging statements to keep the other’s work going.

8. Make a comparison list

If you’re having a hard time with different partners in different relations, make a two-sided comparison table with what brings you happiness in the relationship on one part of the paper and what makes you sad on the other. You don’t have to write it all in one day.

Add to the list when you see, hear, or feel anything. The point here is to keep track of the type of partner you would love to have, the qualities you want in him, and the habits you can either accept or not. This would help you make it work as well.

9. Go out on dates

go out on dates

The more physical time you spend with someone, the more you get to learn about them and their way of life.If you’re not dating already and you feel like you would like to, organize or suggest a few casual dates. You could go to a park, for a drink, or eat out once in a while.

But make sure they are places you both can be free to express yourselves. See how he reacts to your jokes or a few bad habits. Observe him as well. Reflect on those moments to know how they make you feel whenever you think about them.

10. Give it more time

Giving more time for your desires to happen could be a blessing in disguise. Sometimes, patience places it all in the right order. So, let it flow and while you do, you could concentrate on your needs and improve your life to make the best version of yourself.

True love and affection in dating take time to come to reality for a lot of people. For some, it happens instantly but it still requires you to be in the right frame of mind to recognize that. So, take your time, give the person you want to be with or you’re with more time and give the situation more time as well to come to life.

Use this tool to check whether he actually is who he says he is
Whether you're married or have just started seeing someone, infidelity rates are on the rise and have increased over 40% in the last 20 years, so you have all the right to be worried.

Perhaps you want to know if he's texting other women behind your back? Or whether he has active Tinder or dating profile? Or worse yet, whether he has a criminal record or is cheating on you?

This tool will do just that and pull up any hidden social media and dating profiles, photos, criminal records, and much more to hopefully help put your doubts to rest.

11. Discuss with someone

Most times, you get ideas on how to act, what to do, or how to go about situations when you talk to other people. It’s easier for someone who is not in your shoes to guide you logically on how to find out what you want in a relationship. This is because you, the individual, may not be temporarily focused on your needs.

You could talk to a friend you trust, a family member, your loved one, a relationship expert, or anybody you feel you can trust to listen and guide you. It may help you to know better and think from a rational point or give you clues on the right things to do.

12. Check your level of acceptance

Humans move from stage to stage depending on their mental state and level of acceptance. It may be with age or not. So, understand your need at each stage. You may be an upcoming career woman who’s still trying to figure out how to balance your work with pleasure. Likely, you want a partner who would understand your fears and be with you through the journey.

Or you could be a successful career woman who just wants a companion—someone you can freely talk to after a long day, have fun with or end up with for life. This would also help you make certain decisions about having your kind of relationship with someone.

13. Relax and have fun

relax and have fun

Just relax and fun. Relate with a lot of men, have mind-blowing conversations and you’d notice yourself suddenly getting attracted to one of them. Inner happiness opens doors for you to meet the right kind of people. Give yourself a ‘me’ time. Flirt when necessary and when you feel like it.

Don’t pressure yourself. The less stress you put on yourself, the happier you become. Being relaxed gives you an open floor to make the right decisions especially when it comes to what you truly want in a partner.


How do you figure out what I want out of a relationship?

It starts with you and your values. So, understand and love yourself first and then you can start figuring out what would make you happy and comfortable from being with another person. When you do, give time for everything to gradually settle in.

What a mature woman wants in a relationship?

At this point, she has most of her life figured out already so she basically wants companionship with someone who can go out of his way to care for her and nurture their love from his heart. She is kind, open-hearted, and loyal and would expect the same thing to be reciprocated. 

What are the 3 main qualities of love?

Love has a lot of good and positive qualities so it’s hard to decide the 3 major ones. To mention a few; acceptance, patience, trust. These are just three of the numerous ones out there that are used to build any good relationship but it also depends on you and what you want.

What makes a happy relationship?

It’s not just one thing that makes a relationship happy. There are a lot of things that contribute to two partners being together in harmony. One of them is the ability of the couple to be comfortable or excited to talk to each other about any and everything without fear for anything.

What are the red flags in a relationship?

There are a lot of them to look out for. They come in different ways depending on the individuals involved. But generally speaking, whenever you’re uncomfortable with anything your partner does consistently and communication with him about it becomes really hard, then that’s a huge red flag.

In Conclusion

Knowing what you want in a relationship is not as easy as it seems. But if you read and apply these 13 tips, you would have a clue on how to start or what to expect. If you liked this article, please share and drop a comment or two.

Utilize this tool to verify if he's truly who he claims to be
Whether you're married or just started dating someone, infidelity rates have risen by over 40% in the past 20 years, so your concerns are justified.

Do you want to find out if he's texting other women behind your back? Or if he has an active Tinder or dating profile? Or even worse, if he has a criminal record or is cheating on you?

This tool can help by uncovering hidden social media and dating profiles, photos, criminal records, and much more, potentially putting your doubts to rest.


Join Our Newsletter

Receive weekly tips & tricks to improve your love life.
Success! Now check your email to confirm your subscription.