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Not Feeling Heard In A Relationship (9 Ways To Deal It)

by Sonya Schwartz

Have you ever gotten to a point where it seems like your partner isn’t listening to you? It can make you feel irrelevant, frustrated, and forlorn. When you are feeling unheard or misconstrued in your marriage, it can also be very annoying. 

When you've tried having a conversation on how you're feeling and your spouse doesn't listen to you or is always trying to be defensive, it can likewise be debilitating.

No one likes being misunderstood or feeling unheard. There are many reasons why you probably won't feel heard. It could possibly be that the way you communicate isn't viable with your partner. Perhaps, you're unwittingly looking for more attention than your spouse is giving. 

If you feel like your words haven't been breaking through and he doesn't hear whatever you say to him recently, then you need to start by recognizing the wellspring of the issue. 

I frequently hear a lot of couples complain that the greatest problem in their marriage is that they aren't being heard. They believe they communicate and articulate their thoughts clearly. So, what is the issue? 

There is no doubt a distinction in light of the fact that your partners' perceptions are entirely different from your perspective. But, we frequently wind up attempting to change our partner's point of view, when we aren't feeling approved—rather than giving them the support they need. On that note, here are nine ways to deal with a pattern that doesn't hear you.

9 Ways To Deal With Not Being Heard

1. Schedule a meeting with your partner

You could talk to your husband or boyfriend at any time and anywhere. But when you schedule a meeting by planning a time and a place and making it somewhat official, it gives him a hint that whatever you want to talk about is pretty serious, so he is attentive to you. 

Healthy communication goes a long way and has saved a lot of relationships. Don’t just talk about it anytime because after the conversation you may still end up feeling unheard. So, make sure it is a good time, and you have his rapt attention. 

Timing can be a barrier to good listening. So, if you want him to listen, don’t speak to him in a time and place where everything you will say will be unproductive. If you want to feel heard, the right measures must be taken.

2. Maintain a sense of compassion

maintain a sense of compassion

Why isn’t your partner listening to you? What could the problem be? Don’t be so selfish, always thinking about yourself alone. What could the person be going through that is changing his listening capacity? He may be stressed, or depressed. Or, maybe he is going through anxiety. 

It could be so much pressure from work that’s why it’s as though he doesn't listen to you (or you don't feel heard). So, try and be an understanding spouse. His listening capacity may have changed because of experience or the pressures of life. 

Another important way to deal with this kind of feeling you are having is to be compassionate. Put yourself in his shoes and try to understand him. You must learn to be understanding. Don't just jump to a conclusion and start judging his actions. You need to hear from him and see things from his angle first.

3. Speak concisely

When you schedule a meeting, be straight to the point. You called the meeting for a particular reason, so stay on it. Don’t drift so far away from the topic, and start talking about other issues. Don't lay a whole pile of complaints that he forgets the main reason you set the meeting.

Make sure you tell him exactly how you feel in your own words. Tell him how you want to be in a position where you are feeling heard. Lay emphasis on the fact that you feel he doesn’t listen to you anymore and tell him how it’s making you feel. 

Good communication will tell how your partner’s response will be. So, stay on the topic to make sure it is properly conveyed. Stop talking about previous issues that have been trashed already. Remember that a person’s listening capacity can change anytime due to different reasons.

4. Be patient

Don’t be in too much hurry to know what the problem is or get him to listen to you by force. More haste, less speed. Calm down and be patient. Observe your environment and try to figure out what is wrong. If you can be patient and remain civil, your problem is half solved.

It’s in being patient that you can listen to his part and understand him. If you're not patient after you air your view, he cannot defend himself. Very likely, you won’t be listening. All you will continue doing is replying defensively thereby making the whole process pointless. 

Imagine if your listening skills may be the problem, not his. So, check yourself and be sure you are not demanding what you aren’t giving. If that's the case, it might be best to spend time working on yourself instead of accusing your man.

5. Ask for feedback

As you talk to him, don’t just repeat yourself. His attention may be divided at a point, and you won’t even notice that he is no longer listening to you. So, to make sure he is hearing everything you are saying, you can ask him questions. 

If he missed it, say it again and make sure your words sink in. When you are done talking, let him also respond and express his feelings as you listen attentively. You must be willing to hear things from his point of view too. Everything must not be about you. This is the only way you can have a successful marriage.

6. Speak to a therapist

Good communication cannot be achieved without effective listening skills. This is a vital part of any marriage. So, if communication with your significant other is impaired, it’s as though there is a shutdown in your connection.

Everybody has the desire to be heard, and it can be very frustrating when you can’t share your thoughts or desires with your partner. That’s why I suggest that you speak to a therapist.

If you struggle in communicating with your partner effectively, and you try different approaches, (but it seems like nothing is working) an extra help won’t hurt, and it will make you feel better when you vent and speak to someone about it.

7. Don’t react angrily

It's easy to get angry and react harshly when you feel like you are ignored because it’s a very frustrating and tiring feeling. Anger in a way protects our insecurities and makes us feel so much powerful for a moment when indeed we are weak.

You may also be interested in: 3 Easy Ways to Find Out If He's Cheating On You

Instead of getting angry and expressing that anger, let your insecurities and fears show.  This way, your partner can see how you are hurting instead of using anger as a defense mechanism. If you both end up fighting, no one is heard.

8. Don’t point accusing fingers

don't point accusing fingers

When you start laying accusations, and he feels accused, it becomes a battle of who is right and who is wrong and no one will want to take the blame. But when it comes to having issues in relationships, there is no innocent one in the equation. It’s two people that have become one situation. 

So when expressing your feelings to him be careful not to accuse him. Because that can worsen the situation and at that moment he won’t listen to you at all, he will continue defending himself. In order for no one to get hurt do not accuse him, just because you want to feel heard.

9. Exercise and understand your own emotions

Sometimes, you are just confused, and you don’t even know what the real problem is. So, because you are very uncomfortable, you just create an expectation in your head and feel disappointed when it’s not met. 

You need to understand yourself and your emotions before you can properly express them to your significant other. Use your emotional intelligence and be aware of your insecurities. Don't just jump to a conclusion all in the name of you don't feel heard. Most times, it could be that you need to take out time and reflect on things.

FAQs

What does feeling disengaged in a relationship mean? 

Feeling disengaged means there is no willingness to invest your time, emotions, and energy into making a relationship work. At this point, your connection with your spouse has come to a flat line. No one is willing to fight or care enough to put up the required time to make it thrive. 

Why do I never feel heard? 

This could be because you are not communicating with your partner correctly or your partner isn’t a good listener. It can also be a result of unhealed PTSD. If growing up as a child you had issues with being heard, this could affect how to connect with people. This is because you would want everyone to hear everything you have to offer. If they don't, it becomes a problem.

What to do when you have no voice in a relationship?

First, you need to change your mindset. The issue might be coming from you, so you must expect your partner to treat you as an equal. Rather than keeping things to yourself, make sure you talk it out. And if you aren't heard, be willing to walk away rather than staying in a toxic relationship

Is it normal to feel off in a relationship? 

Yes, it is, having off days is very normal and okay. And it is also very healthy. It gives you time to be on your own and figure things out. No two people ever feel connected every time. There must be days we feel disconnected.

How do you fix a relationship when you feel distant? 

Try reconnecting with your partner. Sit down and reflect on the positive part of the relationship. See all the good in it. Spend time with your partner and try to create activities that will spice things.

To Sum Up  

I hope you found this article helpful. Never let what anyone thinks about you define who you are. Lack of communication has broken a lot of relationships. If you think you need to feel heard, then talk to your partner about it rather than looking for the wrong way to respond to the situation. Let me know what you think, and please don't forget to share this article with others.

You may also be interested in: 3 Easy Ways to Find Out If He's Cheating On You

Sonya Schwartz
A hopeless romantic that struggled for many years to find her Mr "Right" and made all the mistakes you could think of while dating. Known for always choosing the wrong guys or messing up relationships, Sonya was finally able to change her approach and mindset when it came to dating which helped her eventually find the man of her dreams and become happily married. You can read more about me here...

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