Many years ago, my boyfriend excitedly told me that he’d got an amazing promotion. There was just one problem, it was over 200 miles away and meant he would have to move. Naturally, as we were living together he wanted me to go with him. But I didn’t want to move.
I had grown up in the area we were living in. My family and friends were all close by and I had a pretty good job too. I would be leaving to go and live someplace where I didn’t know anyone. I’d have no job and no friends. I’ll admit, it wasn’t an easy decision to make.
I didn’t want to move and leave everything that I loved behind. But, in the end, I did. I had been with my partner for over 4 years and I decided to give it a try. Was it the right thing to do? You’ll have to get to the end of this article to find out!
The thing is, everyone is different. Not only that, but every relationship is different too. So before you consider the question that your spouse wants to move and you don’t, I want to examine the pros and cons of moving first.
Years ago, I remember driving up to our new house with the delivery van not far behind and it felt as if we were in a movie of our own making. This was a new start for us.
Our house was beautiful. It was situated at the bottom of a narrow lane which led to a beach. There were trees along the back of the property and sea to the other side. We felt as if we were on a permanent holiday. The neighbors were lovely, the countryside was idyllic and we settled in right away.
With technology as it is these days, we didn’t miss family or friends because we could video-call whenever we wanted. The world is a much smaller place these days, so we didn’t feel isolated or alone.
It’s easy to get stuck into a rut all the time with the same old people, day in and day out. When I moved with my partner I got a new job, met many amazing people from different walks of life. Some of whom I’m friends with today.
Meeting new people isn’t just about increasing the number of friends you have on social media. It opens up new opportunities. You get to expand your frame of reference. It opens you up to new ideas and ideologies.
Meeting new people makes you a better-rounded person. You don’t live in an echo-chamber of your own opinions and beliefs. You are exposed to different cultures, races, religions, and ages even. All this provides you with perspective.
Despite advances in technology, it is still possible for one partner to feel isolated, particularly if they are not working. And especially if they are living in a foreign country and don’t speak the native language.
We can take for granted the support of family and friends very easily. I remember falling ill a short time after I had moved and my partner was away on business. I had made friends but I didn’t feel I could burden them with helping me out. If I had been at home I wouldn’t have hesitated to call someone.
If you are considering living a long way from home then this makes the decision to move away even harder. You might have been positive about the move at the time, but when you realized how far away you would be you changed your mind.
Why should you move to? You are quite happy where you are. You have good schools for the kids, nice shops, loyal friends and your family is close by. What more do you need? There is no need to move in your opinion.
This is probably the most common reason why a partner does not want to move. Change is scary. I mean, who really likes change? Especially if we feel like what we already have is working perfectly fine. Why upset the apple cart? We all fear the unknown, it’s quite natural but not really a reason not to move.
Moving house is at the top of life’s top stressful events so it’s no surprise that people are so against it. It is tiring, it causes arguments, and it can test even the most loving relationship. But is it really a reason not to move?
So those are the pros and cons of moving. However, what happens if your partner suddenly arrives home at night and announces that he would really like to move and you don’t want to?
When my partner came home and told me about his promotion we had a huge row and almost broke up. Then we calmed down and discussed our options. We knew we would try anything to make it work. We didn’t set anything in stone or make promises to each other.
However, we did agree to keep talking. We both told each other that whatever happened, we wanted to try and make our relationship work. This meant working towards a solution, whether we lived together or not.
Why is the move so important to your partner? If it is to do with his job then you have your answer. You really need to know why your partner has it in their mind to really want to move, just as he needs to know why you don’t really want to go.
Understanding where both of you stand in this matter is crucial if you want to be able to resolve the situation and move forward. It is essential, to be honest as well. If you are afraid of change you need to say.
Just because one of you wants to move, doesn’t mean the other person has to go with them. Of course, I assume this is what your partner means when he says he wants to move. But, if you really don’t want to move, you are well within your rights to discuss alternatives.
If distance is the problem, would he consider meeting you halfway? If you can’t picture the move being permanent could you rent for 6 months and not buy a house? Don’t forget, you can always move back if things don’t work out.
Having said that you can discuss alternatives, I would also suggest that before you go down this route be open-minded. Look at the area your partner is thinking about moving to.
Is it like pulling teeth getting him to spend time with you?
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Why not take a drive and scout out potential houses with him? Being a part of the moving process will give you more control of what first seemed like an out-of-control situation. You never know, you might really like where he wants to move to. I know I did!
It’s lucky I listed the pros and cons earlier because this is my final piece of advice. Both parties should list them and then present their answers to the other.
Then they can talk about their concerns and hopefully come to a suitable resolution that they are happy with.
You discuss the reasons for wanting the move and you decide whether you want to go with him. It is important to keep communicating and to be honest with your partner. You should also be open-minded about the move and possible alternatives.
Sacrifice is important but I prefer the word compromise. Don’t forget, it should be two people in the relationship that compromise, not just one person all the time. If only one person is doing all the sacrifice then the relationship is not balanced properly.
I’ve lived with boyfriends and I’ve had boyfriends I didn’t live with. It all depends on you, your relationship, and your boyfriend. Whatever works for you is perfectly normal.
In my experience moving to a different area where you don’t know anyone only highlights the problems in a relationship. It is much easier to hide the imperfections when you are surrounded by friends and family. When it’s just the pair of you it is much more obvious.
Why not consider moving as an adventure for the two of you? Moving to a different place is a sacrifice but it can also be fulfilling and bring you closer to the one you love. You get to have all these new experiences together and build new memories.
So, is it the right thing to move with your partner? I did say that I would tell you what happened to me and my boyfriend.
I did end up moving over 200 miles away and lived with him for another 2 years. However, after only a short while it quickly became apparent that the only thing that had been keeping us together was our circle of friends.
They were like glue that stuck us with one another. Without them, we soon fell apart. We had no reason to stay with each other. So, do I regret moving when I initially didn’t want to in the first place?
No, I don’t regret moving. I actually still live here because it is such a beautiful part of the world.
Have you ever moved with a partner when you didn’t want to? How did it work out for you?
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