Before now, sex wasn’t something you could discuss until marriage, not to even talk of when you’re dating. However, it’s the 21st Century, and that’s not the way the world works anymore.
In the world today, dating and sex have become more complicated, you’re not only getting worked up on what to wear or even a great spot you could pitch for your dates, but questions like “how many dates before sex” also pop up.
Although, there are many rules and suggestions, like the ‘3-date rule,’ and the more strict ‘90-day rule,’ the main reason you should wait before sex should be to assess the other person and ensure he’s someone you want to be with. Here is the thing though, they’re no specific rules, or signs written in stone predicting the best time to sleep with your date, it mostly rides on your values and choices.
The perfect time should be when you and your partner are ready, so you’ll not seem too desperate or old-fashioned. However, I’m here to review the various reasons you should delay a little bit, before jumping into that sex trip. Also, what I will be sharing will help you avoid heartbreaks and disappointment, and probably facilitate relationship success, so let’s dig in.
Table of Contents
If you want the encounter to be intimate and passionate, then the thought of rushing things over should be laid off. Bonding, building trust, and emotional connections with each other should be your main focus. Laura Berman, Ph.D.; author of Real Sex of Real Women explains that women’s sexual satisfaction doesn’t depend on orgasms alone, but more on the connection they have with the other person.
I’m not advising that two people who agree to have sex with each other on the first date should not go for it. If this is the case, and you’re on the same page, then thumbs up, but if you’re in for a deeper connection, then I will suggest you take time to know each other more, instead of giving it all up on the first date.
Some of the most sensual experiences take place outside the bedroom, and these are the moments that you stare at each other across the room at a party, without saying a word, but you already spell out what you want from the other person. The quality time two people spend together also strengthens their bond and helps them connect on deeper levels that casual sex can’t afford.
Based on all I’ve just said, those memorable times can only happen when you take the time to build intimacy and chemistry with each other.
For the most part, there’s this sexual drive, that you may feel when you meet someone you’re attracted to for the first time. Some people call it ‘love at first sight,’ it always feels great, and you may think you’ve found your better half, but here’s a shocker, all that is happening in your brain, with the help of some hormones.
Rushing into things just because you felt some butterflies, or a spark on the first date doesn’t mean he is the one. You have to ask yourself a simple question like “will it be a problem if this guy doesn’t call me after this?” If that sinks in, then you should reconsider your next move. So, perceived attraction should not be confused with compatibility, it goes way beyond that.
You can’t mix that up with sex, you’ll only make things complicated if you set things off on the first date without getting to know each other off the bed first.
Let me conclude the point this way; chemistry is the physical attraction that you see on the surface, and your relationship success should not be based on that. Camaraderie, on the other hand, goes way deeper than that, and it’s what you should aim for if you want a relationship with a lasting connection.
So, you may have this cynical notion that it’s just sex, and you don’t have any lofty expectations from the other person, but there’s a case where you might like the person more, and according to research, it’s mostly happened to women. “You should think of intimacy first, before thinking of sex,” says, Dr. Logan Levkoff, a sexologist and author of ‘Third Base Ain’t What It Used to Be.’
He further drives this home by stressing the fact that you should know who you’re dealing with and if they fulfill your emotional and physical needs before sleeping with them on the first date. If you’ve already had sex on the first date before reading this, there’s a chance to get back in the game, considering the guy contacts you after that.
The next time they put a call to you, bring up the suggestion of meeting them in a place where both your clothes would have to stay on your bodies. Then, you can use that opportunity to tell them how you feel, and that you made a mistake by rushing the sex part and watch how they react.
From the look of things, people rather sleep with each other than talk about the implications of sex. Nonetheless, my candid advice for you is to talk it out with them, so you find out where you stand, and if there are any hopes of a relationship.
Sex is a big thing that people take for granted, they forget that the irreversible and life-changing drama that might come with it can leave a mark that may stick with them for the rest of their lives. Even if you practiced safe sex, it only offers you that much protection, so you’re still at risk of sexually transmitted diseases.
Also, there is a possibility of you getting pregnant too, sure, you don’t want to have a child with someone you’re just getting to know. So, chill out a little bit, there’s so much digging up to do, put one leg in front of the other, and slow things down a bit. Let’s look at a scenario where you’re falling hard for someone, but it turns out that they’re not on the same page with you, so they ghost you.
Now, picture the damage that would cause you, emotionally and psychologically. Now you’re telling yourself if you had put up a few more dates, at least you would’ve realized who they really were. A lot of this happens when you have sex on the first date with someone, one date is not enough to figure someone out. It’s not even a guarantee for a relationship, so getting over-excited after just one date shouldn’t be encouraged.
When you wait to have sex after a few dates, there’s already an established connection, and maybe even a budding relationship in the works, you can’t say the same thing after one first date.
The fact that you’re not having sex shouldn’t stop you from talking about it. So, the longer you wait to have sex with the other person, the more time you’ll have to explore your sexual inclinations, fantasies, and other things you’d like to discuss. Even more, you will be confident about your body, so you’ll want to experiment with different positions and styles without feeling awkward.
It will be fun, especially when you can’t get those techniques, you’ll shrug it off and even laugh about it. The moment you’re confident with them and understand their personality, engaging in sex will be more satisfying. And you can only achieve that when you go on several more than one date with him.
Nevertheless, when you both figure out what you want, sleeping with each other will be a great experience. In the meantime, think of other means you can explore with your partner before you proceed to explore each other’s bodies after the first date. Lastly, let your urge to have sex come from a purer sense of understanding, and only sleep with them because you want to.
Sleeping with someone can put you in a very vulnerable position, waiting, in a way, will help you figure out if you can trust them. There might be one or two things you're insecure about body-wise, forming a connection with someone would make things more comfortable when you finally get under the sheets.
There’s no need rushing to have sex after the first date when both of you could have numerous sexual adventures if things progress into an actual relationship. Trusting someone can take quite a bit of time, it all depends on you, but the truth of the matter is that the sex gets better, as the trust becomes more powerful. In that case, you won’t worry about the possibility of the person leaving.
So you can see that trust and sex are intertwined, moreover, sleeping with someone you trust is entirely a different ballgame, the sexual pleasure doesn’t arise from a mere sight of a naked person, but out of love and a feeling of security.
Sure, this will come as a shocker to you; people can lie, and they’ll say or do anything just to get laid, even more, ghost you after playing with your coochie. In this case, if you’re the type that only wants to have sex with someone you’re in a committed relationship with, then the best way is to wait until you feel some sense of commitment before you get into bed with them.
So, by waiting long after the first date, you give yourself a chance to ensure your partner is ready to walk the mile with you. A lot of people do things off the table, by seeking love, affection, and protection in sex, when, in the real world, sex should happen naturally, under the umbrella of a loving, trustworthy, and committed relationship.
One thing you have to consider is if this person is interested in a relationship, or just a post first date special. Having an actual conversation with this person might help you determine if he’s one you can trust, or just another guy trying to have fun while he can. There’s no urgency to have sex, we are not animals that can’t control our urges. If it’s really a candid relationship you want, then wait, hopefully, it will all be worth it in the end.
There’s no specific rule on the exact number of dates you should go on before having sex. However, there’s the popular, ‘3-date rule,’ which is like the Goldilocks principle to dating. To me, it should be more of the chemistry, and what you want for each other, rather than the number of dates you go on.
There’s no hard or fast approach to this, and sex or lovemaking, as you may put it, is not a currency to be exchanged with the length of time a woman should wait. The main focus here should be getting to know each other, and the moment will come when it will feel right to do so. This is important if it’s a relationship you’re after, and not just a casual fling.
Jumping into bed too soon is a mistake no woman should make, delaying it a little bit, makes for better sex, and a stronger connection. Some men will not want to wait, but if you make him feel that you are worth the trouble, he will wait. The important thing is to give it some time, ensure you’re comfortable, and get to know the other person better.
I will advise you to go with your gut, that’s always the best option. If you’re not feeling any sense of attachment, it’s okay to move on. However, If you still want to give it a try, you should be careful with his feelings before you get yourself or the other person hurt.
It’s a rule where the woman has to keep her new date, out of bed until the fifth date before getting under the sheets. According to research, nowadays, a typical woman needs ‘4 dates’ to assess her new partner, to be sure he’s a good man before sleeping with him on the fifth date.
The number of dates should not be used as a criterion to define when to have sex in a relationship, but rather, the length of time people have known each other. All in all, I hope this article has given you enough reason to hold on. Please drop a comment below. Even more, share this with your buddies and family members that may find this topic interesting.