Often in a marriage, we tend to think that a woman will be the person who loses their sex drive and pushes away from their husband. In reality, though, women in their thirties and forties can feel like they’re at their prime sexual age. So, it might be surprising to hear that for many marriages, it is the husband that stops wanting to have sex.
Now, when a partner is suddenly reluctant to have sex, it can be very worrying for the other person. As it’s very natural for that person to feel unattractive, unwanted and even cheated on. Yet, before you jump to any conclusions, it’s important to understand that there could be many reasons why a husband doesn’t want to have sex with you, and many of these reasons have nothing to do with you.
Firstly, it’s important to understand that while during your honeymoon phase your husband would want to jump your bones at every opportunity, this might not be the case anymore. As, when a man reaches around the age of 45, his sex drive will start to fall and may decline further with age. This can be to do with hormones due to age, a lack of confidence or just feeling tired compared to your former self. Which will make him less likely to want sex at all, not just because he doesn’t want to have sex with you.
So, before you jump to conclusions, here are 7 reasons why your husband might not want to have sex and what you can do to help:
Stress can be a killer for someone’s libido, so if your husband has lost his spark in the bedroom, it could be that your husband is suffering from too much work stress. This stems back to the idea that men have to be hunters and gathers so, when it comes to working, many men want to make the best career choices they can, so that they can bring home the most money possible for your family.
This need to provide can often lead to stress, as your husband will want to take on the most work they can in order to look desirable for promotions and wage rises. So, if your husband is working long hours and constantly on his work phone – even on his days off – then it’s likely he has too much work on his plate, which will cause stress.
Knowing if your husband is stressed isn’t always the easiest, particularly since men like to hide anything that may make them appear weak in front of those they love. However, there are a few signs you can look out for. Firstly, you’ll already noticed your man isn’t as interested in sex anymore, which can be a sign of stress. Other signs you can look out for are inability to sleep, or sleeping too long, as this will show he’s mentally drained and has work playing on his mind. Indeed, the fact that he has his work is on the mind all the time can even lead to erectile dysfunction.
If your husband is stressed with work, you need to step in and chat with him about his work/life balance and how you can improve this. For one, try and convince him that he doesn’t need to focus so much on his career, more money might be nice, but not at the expense of losing your intimacy and even causing health problems such as heart disease.
As well as taking on less work, you need to set boundaries for work in the bedroom. That means that work phones or laptops are never allowed in the bedroom, that should help him from thinking about work in there. You should also aim to have no screens for an hour before bed, instead focusing on chatting or reading a book. Your bedroom will soon become a safe haven again, meaning sex might become desirable again.
We often think of women getting prescribed hormone replacement in their older years, yet you might not know that the most widely prescribed hormone in the USA is actually testosterone. That’s because, after a man reaches 30 his testosterone levels will naturally drop around 2% every year. Which, over time, means his sexual libido might be low or he may even suffer from erectile dysfunction.
As well as these level drops, around 13% of men will suffer from a condition known as hypogonadism, where these men don’t produce enough testosterone. Signs of low testosterone levels include a lack of desire to have sex, low mood, lack of energy, losing muscle mass and erectile dysfunction. So, if your husband is showing ant of these signs, you may wish to get him to make an appointment with a doctor.
Now, for most men, going to the doctor over something like this can feel embarrassing, with many men not wanting to go as it makes them feel like less of a man. In these cases, you have to be there for your husband and make him feel as comfortable as possible – especially since this is such as natural thing to suffer from.
Even better, low testosterone is entirely treatable with hormone therapy along with counseling and managing his stress levels. Over time, the man you knew will be back and hopefully, your sexual intimacy will return to the exciting fun it once was.
If your man has started to lose interest in sex, it could be due to issues he has with porn. This is when your husband doesn’t want sex because he is more interested in watching porn and gratifying himself, leaving him with little energy to enjoy a sex life with you as well.
The problem with porn is that it’s been scientifically proven that men who watch too much porn will have less satisfaction having ‘normal’ sex with their partners. Indeed, some men will become addicted to porn and will therefore find it hard to become aroused and stimulated by their partner. This is especially true if you watch a lot of kink porn that your wife doesn’t do in the bedroom, as your desires are only being met by what you watch online.
Worse still, if your husband watches porn too often rather than seeking sexual intimacy with yourself, he will start to detach the idea of sex with romance, love and commitment to that person you love. Which means, he will be less likely to instigate sex with you anymore – he will only be committed to his porn.
Porn addiction is a serious problem, and it may mean that he needs to seek professional help. It might just be, though, that he just needs you to talk to him about what he’s watching and whether there is something you could be doing in the bedroom that would take him away from his porn and instead focussed on you. The only worry here is that porn often sets an unattainable standard that you will not be able to repeat at home, in which case you might find your sex life takes a long time to heal.
The problem with the media and movies is that it portrays men as being sex mad and always looking to carry their wives or girlfriends off to the bedroom. Which means, if your husband is suffering from a lower sex drive, he might be feeling anxious or upset by this change – which makes him want to have sex even less!
Anxiety can also lead to a lot of problems in the bedroom, including premature ejaculation, issues reaching orgasm and erectile dysfunction. Now just about every man will experience a problem like this in their life, meaning it’s totally normal. However, the main problem is, once something like this happens, it can be very hard to get the worry and anxiety it will happen again – which means it often will as you’re so worried.
Indeed, many men will be so worried about these problems and lack of sex drive that they will shy away from wanting to have sex and being intimate with you – purely out of embarrassment. If you believe this is the case with your husband, you need to try and make him as comfortable as possible by talking it through. Just never make a big deal out of it, or bring it up too much. As, by focusing too much on the issue, it will make your man worse due to the anxiety.
Plus, the good news is, over 95% of men with premature ejaculation can reverse it with psychological counselling and talking through their problems. The same goes for other problems, seeking medical help will really help, especially once he realizes that it’s perfectly normal and many other men go through exactly the same problems.
Often, when we think of bedroom problems in a relationship, we instantly think that our husband has a psychological problem. However, there might be another underlying health condition that could be causing his lack of interest in sex or problems with his equipment. Indeed, heart disease, diabetes and cancer could all be causing your lack of sexual intimacy.
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Now before you start worrying about the idea of cancer, which is the last thing your husband needs to worry about if he’s stressed or anxious, you should instead suggest a check-up with his doctor. Suggest to him that he tells his physician about his drop in sex drive and that it might be an indicator for something else going on.
Just taking that step to go to a doctor can be a big weight off his mind, especially if you make sure he tells his doctor everything. You might even find that he can tell his doctor things he can’t even tell you (as perhaps he’s embarrassed). From there, your doctor will be able to give a full health check and help him get to the bottom of his troubles, whether that is an underlying health problem or not.
While as women we might be worried that being overweight might make our husband not want to have sex with us. In reality, though, it is more likely that it is his own weight that could be affecting his sex life. For one, if he’s put on some weight, he might be feeling self-conscious, meaning that he won’t want to take his clothes off near you. He might also be worried about how well he can perform with his added weight, as positions he’s used to might be more difficult. Plus, more weight means his stamina might be lowered so he can’t perform the same. Which sometimes makes it very hard for some men to orgasm, especially if they cannot be as rigorous as they once were.
Being overweight can also lead to a lower sex drive, as it has been shown in obese men and men with diabetes (which is often a complication of being overweight) that their sexual appetite is just not the same as it might have been a few years ago when he was slimmer. This is actually an easy fix and something that both of you can work at together. As, by changing your diets and adding more healthy and whole foods to your eating, your bodies will instantly work and feel better – particularly if you’re losing weight. Exercise is also wonderful for losing weight and improving your sex life, as by becoming fitter you will both be able to be more flexible and athletic in the bedroom. Plus, when you exercise your body releases happy hormones called endorphins that can reduce stress and make you feel better overall.
Of course, the best thing about dieting and working out together is that it will both bring you closer and help you both feel more attractive. Then, when you’ve both done all the hard work, book yourselves a holiday away and enjoy a second honeymoon – you won’t be able to keep your hands off of each other!
While everything else on this list is about stress or health affecting your husband sexually, it’s also possible that your husband's bedroom issues could be down to your behavior. Particularly if you’re not showing him enough affection. We all know that a relationship can have its dry periods, where we don’t have as much sex as much as we usually do. As, whether it's our work or being busy with the kids, we can struggle to remember to show our partners as much affection as they might have experienced in the past.
So, take a minute and think about your actions. In the last week, have you hugged your husband? Have you sat with him, casually putting your legs over him and stroking his arm? If not in the past week, how about the last month or even year? If you’re struggling to think of the last time you were affectionate with your man, then it’s likely that you’re not being affectionate enough.
Which is problematic for men, who are reliant on their women for giving them affection and showing them that we really love them. Without this affection, your man will start to doubt that you still want him and will be reluctant to instigate sex with you. Especially if you’ve turned him down recently. So, instead, show him spontaneously affection by holding his hand or hugging him more. You should also think about instigating sex yourself, as this will show him you care.
A man who feels unloved is dangerous to a relationship, as rather than voicing their feelings like women are good at doing, they will bottle it up and often become resentful. Which sometimes leads to affairs, as men will jump at any woman who takes the time to show them interest and affection.
A husband who has a dip in his sex drive is more than just old age getting to him. If your man is struggling to find the desire to have sex, it could easily be the signs of stress, an underlying illness or even problems with his manhood. All of which are entirely treatable with the right therapy or medication. The same goes for being overweight, it just takes some work and commitment.
Just make sure you are supporting your husband to the very best of your ability, which includes showing him affection and showing your love to him. Plus, remember, you don't need to be having sex three or four times a week like you used to, once you get to a certain age, it's all about quality not quantity!
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