Have you ever caught your boyfriend watching porn and wondered what it really means? Do you wonder if it is affecting your relationship? Do you feel confused and question whether it’s you doing something wrong? Maybe you’re not pleasing him enough? Do you wonder if you should be upset or not? This is a very interesting topic and we are going to shed some light on pornography, the reasons behind why men watch it, what it means for you and whether or not you should be upset by your boyfriend's actions. As always with these sensitive topics, open communication about it is incredibly important and just because it may feel taboo, it does not mean it should be avoided.
I’m just going to tell you a quick disclaimer first of all. It is very common for men (and women) to watch porn. In this article, we are going to explore some of the reasons why men actually watch porn and explore the unknown and addictive qualities that they are far too often unaware of. No one size fits all for whether or not you should be upset, and it will be down to your interpretation and feelings. Being clear and upfront about how you really feel helps shed light on topics that your boyfriend may not even consider a problem or think will offend you.
Now that has been said, let’s jump straight in.
Is porn acceptable to watch in the first place?
A lot of men and women watch porn. In the day and age that we all live in now, there seems to be less hiding it and little to shame in it – it’s quite openly talked about and is no longer something that is shied away from, but does that make it acceptable?
Clearly, a lot of people have differing views on this topic. It really depends on how open you are with your sexuality, hearing about other people’s sexuality and the kind of opinion you have towards more taboo industries.
Like a lot of things, there can be a perception that if many people are doing something then it is fine to do and there isn’t really a problem with it. This has happened with porn and because so many guys do it, there is an assumption that there is nothing wrong with it and it’s just a bit of fun – which it definitely can be, but it’s always good to look into it deeper at the seemingly unknown consequences of it. There can be some really dangerous side effects to watching porn too much, and it is possible that it would mess up your expectations of sex in real life. However, generally, porn is pretty much accepted by today’s society, even if it isn’t talked about a lot.
Should you be upset?
So let’s begin with the word should – should you be upset that your boyfriend is watching porn? There is no one-size answer that will tell you if you should or you shouldn’t. At the end of the day, if you feel upset then you feel upset and if you don’t, then you don’t. There are no rules or laws that will tell you exactly how you should feel when something like this happens, so always leave it up to your own personal judgment and feelings whether or not you truly do feel upset or not.
You should allow yourself to feel what you feel, and don’t let anyone else’s opinions dictate exactly how you feel. You should never have to feel like you a covering or hiding a feeling, especially within a secure relationship. If it does upset you then this is important to look at. Having people tell you how you should feel about a situation can be helpful – but the most important thing is that you make up your own mind and stay connected to that, even if it’s not what others are telling you to feel.
Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling upset about this. If it is something that does upset you and it is completely okay to be upset, even if your boyfriend is telling you it is a meaningless thing that he does for fun and that he only wants to be intimate with you. A lot of the time there will probably be an innocent ignorance surrounding his actions and he will probably really not want to upset you in any way. However, this is no reason that you should not feel upset about it, and if you feel upset, then you have every right to.
Is it strange for you not to feel upset by it? Once again, it’s completely fine to feel however you do about it, and if it doesn’t bother you too much this is fine too. You might watch porn yourself and realize that there are no emotions about it. If you have spoken to your girlfriends about it and they tell you that they are upset that their man watches porn, you shouldn’t feel like you have to agree. It can actually be a good thing if you aren’t too concerned about it. It might even be healthy to know that your man uses porn and self-pleasures. It might even turn you on.
Are you worried your man might be addicted to porn?
We are now going to have a think about the actual issue here – pornography and the industry surrounded by it. It is a multimillion-dollar industry, and will probably always be so. However, porn is not only sometimes the least ethical thing for porn stars involved, but it can also be something people become addicted to. Like anything, there can be a healthy approach to it, but when addiction becomes a part of the picture, it can be very determinantal to a relationship. It’s often overlooked as being acceptable to watch porn, even a lot of it because it has become normal and people openly talk about it. However, the negative side-effects of watching porn are usually left unexplored. Porn gives us the hit of physical pleasure. It is quick and easy, with little to no effort. It is at your fingertips – whenever & wherever you want. It’s no surprise that it is an incredibly addictive behavior – one that is often not addressed or taken seriously. This is where porn can begin to really affect relationships.
One of the first questions to ask yourself is, is this affecting my relationship? If you are in a relationship and you notice that your boyfriend is watching porn, and it is affecting your sex life, then it is something that needs to be addressed. So much goes on subconsciously when watching porn that your man will most likely be simply unaware of. He will begin to associate that all sex is like that which he sees in pornographies – perfect bodies, great sex, and highly climactic scenes. It creates a hyper glorified image of perfect sex, and then through this conditioning, he will believe that’s what all sex should be like. Then when it comes to the real action in the bedroom, the high standards that are set in the perfectly produced porn studio are unable to be met, so your boyfriend will find it hard to be stimulated, which could quite easily leave you feeling upset. He might find it difficult to get aroused by you. Also, if he masturbates a lot, especially to porn, he might start finding it really hard to ejaculate, or it might take a really long time.
So what if it’s not affecting your relationship? Your sex is still great, you have a healthy relationship and things are continuing on as normal. Well that’s a good thing, right? Yes of course it is, but the main point in question here is, do you feel upset by him watching porn? It doesn’t matter how healthy or unhealthy his relationship is with porn – if you are still feeling upset by it then it’s something that should be addressed. Communicating how you feel with your boyfriend openly and honestly, although it may be hard, can actually really help him as well. Remember men don’t really understand the whole picture of what’s happening when they are watching porn, they are just believing it’s a bit of fun with no further consequences, so communication is key.
What are his intentions when he watches porn?
Looking at the intentions that your man has while he watches porn can be really important and can help you to understand if you should be feeling upset or not. The majority of the time, men really do not have any bad intentions while they are watching porn. He is not doing it to hurt you, he is more than likely not even thinking about you – he is just thinking purely about himself and doesn’t have too much awareness on how it could upset you. He is doing something selfish and personal. He might not even realize that you will find out about it. He is just having some fun by himself, with no intention of hurting you. Perhaps he is playing out certain fantasies through pornography that he is too scared or embarrassed to share with you. He may feel embarrassed to share his secret fantasies, especially if they seem a little bit too extreme. It’s easier for him to fulfill that part of himself through porn, instead of being open & honest about it with you. So, it might help if you start asking curiously about what type of porn he is into and finding out what it is that he is getting from there that he is not getting from you can actually help you begin to explore those things together and take your relationships deeper.
Now let’s take a slightly different angle on this, how would you feel if your boyfriend got upset at you because you were watching Magic Mike or Fifty Shades of Grey? You would probably feel quite confused because you know your intention is not to dishonor him or ‘cheat’ on him – it’s just a bit of fun. This could be how he feels regarding porn, he could view it as just being a bit of fun, but the real concerns come up when it’s more of an addictive quality. You could imagine your boyfriend would be upset at you if you went out and watched Magic Mike every other day and then you never wanted to sleep with him. This holds some truth when looking at his porn habits as well. If it is just an occasional
experience and it doesn’t seem to be an addictive habit, then perhaps he is just doing it for a bit of fun and a release.
On the flip side, do you think that your partner might be watching porn with intention? Perhaps he is not wanting to have sex with you, but he is wanting to make a point to you that he’s still horny? Maybe he wants to punish you for something you’ve done? If your boyfriend is watching porn with any kind of intention, then this is probably not a good sign. Like I have mentioned several times, men watch porn and enjoy it because they don’t think about it too much. If he is thinking about it and putting some kind of intention behind it, this is abnormal behavior and definitely needs to be spoken about.
How should you communicate with him?
Communication is always paramount in situations like this and although it is something that may be seen as taboo to talk about, it is incredibly important that any feelings here are talked about in as open a way as possible. Going back to earlier in the article we can see that there can be a lot of innocent ignorance of what’s actually happening when he watches porn. The porn is setting unrealistic expectations for him which can lead to detrimental effects on your relationship and sex life. This is not something that’s talked about or really understood from a male perspective. They just believe they are watching something for fun and there are no additional consequences to their actions.
Now obviously just telling your boyfriend what you think of him watching porn probably isn’t going to affect what he does very much, and he might think that it’s none of your business in the first place. Therefore, you need to make sure you speak to him in an open and comfortable environment for him. You need to speak about the fact that his watching porn makes you feel upset. Tell him how you really feel and how you think what he’s doing is directly impacting your relationship.
This may come as a surprise to him because in his mind he believes it is nothing serious and it’s just a porn video every now and again, what could the damage be? His intention is more than likely not to hurt you, he is just simply unaware of the effects that it is having on you and your relationship. This is a really important point to stress here, that he is genuinely not trying to hurt you nor make you upset, he is just unaware of the effects it may be having on you or your sex life. So, you shouldn’t lay too hard into him. Try not to come across like you’re accusing him or blaming him for anything.
You mustn’t beat yourself up over this or go crazy at him straight away. There is so much going on unconsciously here that he could just be simply unaware of. Voicing how you really feel and communicating honestly & openly will help you bring some clarity to the situation. Understanding it’s probably not his intention to hurt you can also help with your feelings. However, if this behavior goes on and it is making you upset, it is definitely something that you are going to need to revisit, and it might even be something that could easily break your relationship.
Hopefully, this article has really helped you to understand from a bigger perspective some of the reasons why your boyfriend may be watching porn and whether or not you should be upset. Always listen to your feelings about a situation and don’t be afraid to share them. If you can share and clearly communicate your feelings with your partner, it will really help you develop a strong relationship – even if at the moment it feels like it’s challenging to express these feelings.
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