HerNorm is a community-supported website. We may earn a small commission on purchases made through our links. Learn more.

What If My Boyfriend Is Selfish? (21 Signs He Is, And Why)

by Sonya Schwartz

Are you thinking, “What can I do? I think my boyfriend is selfish!” I’ve been there. I don’t have a selfish husband, but I’ve dated selfish people

My ex exhibited selfish behavior that I should have walked away from. It was a toxic relationship. However, the experience taught me a lot. All of the warning signs were there, but I focused on his positive traits and was blind at the time. 

He had a charismatic personality, always made me laugh, and was very intelligent, but he treated me rotten. He was definitely a selfish person.

He’d talk non-stop; I never could get a word in. I also felt like I had to walk on eggshells around him. Plus, he’d get furious if I didn’t respond to texts right away, but never responded to mine. 

Since it was a long-distance relationship, I was the one who had to drive to see him, and that was the only time he paid attention to me. He wouldn’t call during the week to see how I was doing or anything. It was a one-sided relationship. After 5 months of this, I realized I could do better.  

Let’s explore selfishness some more!

Is My Boyfriend Selfish?

You may be wondering if your boyfriend fits the bill as a selfish person or if he just likes to talk a lot and be the center of attention. Often, we make excuses for our partner because we want to make the relationship work when, in reality, we just aren’t facing the facts. If you are curious as to whether you have a selfish partner or not, see if any of these things sound familiar.

1. He makes you do all the work

He makes you do all the hard work in the relationship, like driving to see him when he refuses to return the favor in a long-distance relationship. This is a one-way street, unfortunately (but not literally).

2. He just takes, making you do all the giving

If you feel drained, frustrated, or tired of doing all the work in the relationship, you may have a self-centered partner. Often, the giver in this situation gives gifts, thinks of the other person, and does special little things to let the taker know she cares about him, but the actions are not reciprocated.

3. He is full of excuses

He forgot your birthday…yet again, he stood you up on a date, etc. Yet he always has an excuse for his behavior. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Over time, the excuses will become more natural to accept, and you’ll start believing the most ridiculous ones. This isn’t healthy.

4. He refuses to make any changes

Does your man refuse to change even the smallest thing about himself, yet expects you to constantly make changes that suit him? If he doesn’t even do the tiniest thing for you, it may be time to look for someone else, an individual who cares about the things that matter to you.

5. He isn’t polite to you

He may not have been raised to be a gentleman, and that’s not the end of the world unless that’s what you are looking for. However, if it turns into disrespect, watch out, because it’s only going to get worse. 

6. He only talks about himself

This type of narcissistic behavior is frustrating. Not only does the person just talk about themselves, but they also don’t give you a chance to talk about yourself and what’s going on with you. Often, when you do talk, this type of partner is just thinking about what he wants to say next.

7. He’s made too many rules in the relationship

Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells when you are around your boyfriend? Does he get mad over the smallest thing? If you have to cater to his every whim, the relationship is unbalanced.

8. He doesn’t show interest in you

Do you find that he doesn’t even ask how your day was or how you are feeling/doing? You want to be with someone who cares about your well-being and wants to know what’s up with you. Otherwise, where is the chemistry?

9. He makes plans for the dates, never asking what you want to do

This is a controlling behavior many selfish boyfriends exhibit. He may not let you decide what the two of you are going to do because he wants to do what he wants and doesn’t care what you want to do. Not a good sign!

10. He’s controlling

Your selfish boyfriend may tell you how to look, what to say in public (or private, for that matter), or how to act around other people. This type of control doesn’t make a healthy relationship. 

11. He is very concerned about how you look

I once had a boyfriend tell me how to tweeze my eyebrows and brush my teeth! I looked fine just the way I was! He was a pretty boy (not my type) and cared way too much about our appearance as a couple. It was definitely a red flag!

12. He talks over you

This goes back to him not listening to you. Notice the difference between your boyfriend, who doesn’t care about what you have to say, and your guy friends, who listen intently to your concerns. You want to date a good listener, someone who cares about what you have to say or what you are thinking about.

He talks over you

13. He dismisses your feelings

You’re mad, sad, happy, or cheerful; it doesn’t matter to him. In fact, he just wants you to feel whatever he’s feeling. If he has had a bad day and you’re cheerful, he’ll do what he can to bring you down to his level. 

14. He likes his alone time more than he likes spending time with you

This is definitely not loving behavior. Usually, a guy in love will want to spend as much time with you as possible - at least when you’re dating. Of course, you can both have your space, but when does he make time for you?

15. He is a selfish lover

I don’t remember where I heard this, but I think it was from a fortune cookie. It says, “It ain’t over until you’ve both had your cookies.” Does he care if you get off when making love, or he just concerned with himself?

16. He is never the first to apologize in a fight

This can be especially annoying if your selfish boyfriend is also argumentative. You want someone who is at least sometimes agreeable. Plus, when he’s in the wrong, it’d be nice to get an apology once in a while, right?

17. He only wants to be in a relationship if it serves his agenda

He may be afraid of being alone or enjoy some other benefit he receives from the relationship but is that where it ends? Is he truly there for you when times are hard, or does he conveniently “disappear” during the tough spots?

You may also be interested in: 3 Easy Ways to Find Out If He's Cheating On You

18. He gets upset with you over the smallest things

This goes back to the “walking on eggshells” feeling. Who wants to live like this? Is there anything more upsetting than knowing that whatever you do isn’t good enough for him? This is a very hard thing to live with on a regular basis.

19. He is always the first priority in the relationship

Everything is all about him, his interests, his hobbies, his job, etc. This one of the characteristics of a one-sided relationship. You should be with someone who puts you at the top of his priority list as well. 

20. He changes the subject if the topic doesn’t interest him

Don’t you wish you could just mute him as he constantly talks about what he cares about instead of what you both might like to talk about? I don’t have magic beans to fix this one. You can’t force a self-centered partner to listen to what you have to say, but it’d be nice if you could. 

21. He makes you wait for him

Your partner doesn’t show up at the time he said he would, and you have no idea when he will actually show up. Now, you can totally relate to the old viewpoint of men having to wait for their women for hours, as they got their hair and makeup perfect, right? 

Why Is My Boyfriend Selfish?

It could be that your partner has a narcissistic personality disorder. According to WebMD, this personality type craves admiration, exaggerates a lot, has wide and fast mood swings, and fantasizes about unlimited wealth, success, and power. Your partner may also strive to win, no matter what. Would you really put up with this behavior from anyone else?

The characteristics listed above that make up a narcissistic partner might be signs. In other worse, there’re more signs, many of which I have already listed in this article, that your partner may exhibit, showing he is self-centered. A partner who is selfish will typically put his needs in front of yours, time and time again. Is it worth staying with someone who doesn’t value you?

According to Oprah Magazine, a selfish partner may not be able to control the way they act. Selfish people may have been raised in an environment where their thoughts, feelings, and needs were valued, and they are now taking advantage of having this, causing you to suffer because of it. So, what can you do if your partner has these characteristics? 

What Can I Do If I Have A Selfish Boyfriend?

1. Find other outlets where you can love

Consider doing some volunteer work or spend time with your friends and family members who respect you. Find people who care about what you have to say and are positive influences on your life. Pursue your own interests by doing things that you enjoy doing, things that lift you up. Increasing the blessing in your life with lift your spirits. 

2. Practice self-care

Give yourself the attention and care that you should be getting from your partner. Respect yourself in the ways he never does. You will feel blessed that you can lift yourself up. I recommend using a goal planner where you can write positive affirmations, a list of gratitudes, and create goals that you can successfully accomplish. 

In the goal planner I recommended, there’s room for you to mind map. If you plan to stay with your partner, you may want to map out exactly what you can do to make things work better - for both of your sakes. Once you have come up with ideas in your planner or in just a plain notebook, map out the individual steps needed to accomplish your goals. 

3. Recognize your weaknesses

Sometimes, when we love or care about our partner, it’s hard to see their shortcomings. If you think you may be in an emotionally or mentally abusive relationship, why are you still with your partner? Do some soul searching to see if you are addicted to drama. What kind of partner do you need to have a healthy relationship?

4. Stand up to him

Stand up to him

First, do not confront him about being selfish; an attack like that will just upset him and will close off the communication channels you are trying to build. Instead, bring up his good qualities and help him understand the best way to be connected to you. Remember, people aren’t mindreaders, so you will need to bring this up, but be nice. 

Second, don’t use the word “selfish” when you bring up the problems you are experiencing. People don’t respond well to name-calling. Try to begin the conversation with just one thing that you would like to have changed. Explain a specific example when things could have gone better if he would have done such-and-such differently.

Finally, he may not even realize he is being self-centered. Approach the subject delicately. Try to assess whether your wants and needs are important to him. If so, he may not naturally be a giving person, so you’ll have to give him some pointers. Indicate that you would like for the two of you to compromise more.

5. Work together as a team to find solutions

People can learn to compromise. After you have talked over the changes you hope he will make, be sure to work together to find solutions to the many problems you feel are evident in the relationship. Express your concerns gently. Point out the good times and the good personality traits that you love about him.

Then, tell him about the times when he could have compromised but did not. Explain that you would like to work together to come up with answers. This may mean you do more research and work to find out what will work best for your particular partnership. Go to the library and check out a few self-help books that will help you in your quest.

One book that I would recommend is Feel the Way You Want to Feel No Matter What by Pucci. It can greatly help you both or just you. It helps you deal with problems in a constructive manner. It helps you determine the difference between emotional and practical problems. Also, check out books on the topic of selfishness. They’ll help!

FAQs

How do you deal with a selfish boyfriend?

If your boyfriend or husband is selfish and you have decided to stay with them, make sure the good qualities outweigh the bad. In my point of view, no one should put up with selfish behavior. It’s toxic and unfair to you; make sure your life partner is worth it. 

Why is my boyfriend so selfish?

Often, people are selfish because they are ashamed of something or suffer from feelings of being inadequate. He may be hiding something from you; if he is, his insecurity and shame are causing him to act self-centered toward you. If you think he’s holding something back, talk it over.

You may also be interested in: 3 Easy Ways to Find Out If He's Cheating On You

What is selfishness in a relationship?

It usually means one person takes much more than he gives. This may be because they are insecure and are used to getting their way. They may have been raised as an only child and don’t know any better. If they are too self-centered, you may want to move on.

What are the signs of a selfish man?

A selfish person makes you do all the work in the relationship. You may feel like you are walking on eggshells because he gets mad so easily. He will typically take much more than he gives; this can be quite draining to his partner. It’s not a healthy relationship.

What are signs of disrespect in a relationship?

If he expects you to do all the work (call him, visit him, etc.), that’s a sign of disrespect. A healthy relationship has both giving and taking - equally. If he doesn’t care much about you or what’s going on with you, he is being disrespectful to you.

To Sum Things Up...

Do you know boyfriends or husbands who are selfish? What is your recommendation to women who are suffering from a selfish boyfriend? 

What did you think of the article? Did you find it helpful?

Your opinion matters! Please comment below and share this article with your friends. 

You may also be interested in: 3 Easy Ways to Find Out If He's Cheating On You

Sonya Schwartz
A hopeless romantic that struggled for many years to find her Mr "Right" and made all the mistakes you could think of while dating. Known for always choosing the wrong guys or messing up relationships, Sonya was finally able to change her approach and mindset when it came to dating which helped her eventually find the man of her dreams and become happily married. You can read more about me here...

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

footer logo Copyrighted.com Registered & Protected