Sometimes, we don’t always get things worked out before marriage that we should. For example, whether or not we both want more kids.
Sometimes, as the relationship progresses, people change their minds. Maybe he didn’t want you to have one before, but now he does. Either way, you’re stuck in a never-ending debate because you don’t want a kid but he does.
In order for you and your partner to have a future married together, and be happy, you need to get on the same page. If you don’t, one of you may regret never having that. At the same time, you might be miserable because the two of you now have little ones.
Table of Contents
It’s important that the two of you practice effective communication skills and discuss why you do, or do not, want babies. Perhaps you’re scared because he had a horrible father. Maybe you’re nervous for financial reasons. These are all things that you two can work through together. In order to do that, you need to have this conversation.
During this conversation, you’ll be able to determine whether the two of you can work through those issues. For example, if you don't want to have any because you have a genetic disease, you obviously are not going to be able to change it.
You also need to really explore why you don’t want kids. Are you scared that you’ll be a horrible mother? Do you not want to do the extra work to raise a child? Are you concerned about the disruption to your life?
If this is the case, there are solutions. For example, the two of you could work on your savings account before having children. You could enlist the help of relatives and friends, and your partner, to help take care of the infant.
Having a support system is a great idea anyway, and it’s a huge benefit when you have kids. If you don’t want it to destroy your body, you could consider getting a surrogate. There are a lot of options available today for people that want kids.
If you’re firm in your decision, that’s fine too. You do need to make it perfectly clear to your husband that you are not going to change your mind, no matter how long the two of you are married.
This is when you need to decide whether it’s a deal-breaker. Some people feel that they need a child in their life in order for their life to be fulfilling. There’s nothing wrong with that, but he can wind up regretting the decision not to have a child simply to make you happy.
Don’t make this decision based on an emotional response to him wanting to have a baby. Instead, think long and hard about this.
Imagine growing up and wondering why your parent acted a certain way or didn’t play with you as much. Then, your dad tells you that your mom simply never wanted children. Imagine how that would make a kid feel. You don’t want to be that mom.
Children need to feel loved and wanted by both parents. When they are not, they can tell that one person did not want future kids, and this can have a drastic impact on them. Don’t do that to a kid.
If you don’t want children, stick with that. He might try to peer pressure you into wanting kids. His family might try to convince you to stop using contraception because it’s different when you have your own. It’s not. If you don’t want children before you have them, you don’t instantly form a magical bond and love them with all of your heart. Some mothers come around. Some don’t.
Sometimes, your boyfriend might think that you’re going to change your mind by a certain age. It’s surprisingly common for young women to not want children but change their minds when their biological clock starts ticking. However, you need to make it perfectly clear that it is not going to happen. If you don’t, he’ll have resentment and you’ll feel guilty.
I had an entrapment kid. I love him with all of my heart, but it was a crappy thing for his father to do. I didn’t want more children at the time. He refused to take me to my appointment for a refill on my bc. The condom coincidentally broke, he didn’t tell me, and then I got pregnant.
I’m not saying that your spouse would do this, but I can assure you that my ex isn’t the only one. Women have told stories about their boyfriends hiding their birth control pills, etc. Keep taking them anyway.
He needs to bluntly figure out why he wants to start a family. Some men want a son to carry on their last name. This is a tradition that is seen in older generations. Some people in the younger generation feel the same way. Maybe he just wants kids because he feels like it’s the thing to do.
People grow up, get married and then have a daughter or son. Knowing and understanding the reasoning behind his decision can help the two of you reach a compromise so the person that does want kids doesn’t feel like they are losing.
Most people feel like this is instantly a win-or-lose situation. One person will win, and one person will lose. However, there might be a compromise.
If he knows someone that is having a child, he can be a Godparent. This person is often very active in the child’s life. However, you both commit to raising the kid if something were to happen to the parents.
You could also consider spending more time with friends and family members that have families. Sometimes, this can make him question why he wanted kids in the first place. Other times, it can help fill that little spot in his heart that needs to hear a child’s laughter.
This is going to be the hardest thing that you’ll do. So many people never wanted kids to have them to appease their husbands. Then, they don’t become the mother that their husband wanted and the marriage is destroyed as a result. There are also plenty of people that don’t have offspring, and their husband is irritated and bitter for the rest of the marriage. Or, they go have an affair and have a child. Whether or not the marriage survives is a coin toss.
If he decides that he doesn’t want to live a life with just the two of you, respect that. When he goes off to start a large family with someone else, enjoy your life without kids, and respect his decision to have plenty of them. Perhaps the two of you just aren’t compatible in that area.
It’s perfectly fine! Sometimes, your family or friends might pressure you because they feel it’s the thing to do, but no one knows you better than you know yourself. Women are so much more than just moms. If you feel that motherhood is not right for you, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Make sure that you take birth control, and simply don’t have one. When you get into a relationship, make sure that your partner understands that you have no intention of getting pregnant, and will not change your mind in the future.
Keep someone else’s newborn for a few days. Often, when we want children, we glamorize motherhood. We think of the cute outfits and adorable toes. We tell ourselves the nighttime feedings won’t be bad. I did that until my daughter had my grandson. I no longer want another one.
Make sure that it’s a calm environment and he is not already stressed. Then, tell him that you need to talk to him. After that, gently break the news. Don’t beat around the bush. He’ll know something is up.
That depends on why you don’t want to have a child. If you feel that it’s not right at this time or you’re not in a relationship, and you never have the right time to have one, you might. However, if you enjoy life without a kid and don’t want to be a mom, you probably will not.
Having a kid is a big decision. You should never have one to make someone else happy. Instead, you’ll have to find a way to get through this with your spouse. What would you do in this situation?