A mismatch in libido in any relationship, especially long-term relationships, can often cause concern. In a perfect world, it would be great if both you and your partner want sex at the same time, but in most relationships, this isn’t always the case.
Unfortunately, you’re not always guaranteed to feel horny at the same time.
This is problematic in two ways: it’s not exactly a great feeling when you’re in the mood and your partner isn’t feeling it, and you can often feel guilty when you yourself aren’t in the mood when your partner is initiating physical intimacy.
If you’re struggling with the latter, and feel as though your partner wants sex all the time and you simply can’t keep up, it can be a good idea to gain a better understanding of what’s spiking his libido in order to handle his sexual demand a little better.
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Normal is a tricky word when it comes to a person’s sex drive. Generally speaking, ‘normal’ can only be applied to an individual, as opposed to a gender. For example, if your partner usually only wants sex once or twice a week, then it wouldn’t exactly be normal for them to then suddenly want it every day.
With that being said, everyone's sex drive fluctuates throughout their lives as a lot of factors can impact a person’s libido such as mental health, sexual problems (such as erectile dysfunction), alcohol consumption, medication and hormone levels.1
It should be noted that “Men generally have a higher sex drive than women” isn’t always the case. A study from Glenn D. Wilson concluded that men typically have higher sex drives due to them being active in their desires whereas women are typically passive in their fantasies2.
While there is no risk in having sex every day (as long as you’re practicing safe sex), it’s not common for couples to have sex on a daily basis.3 According to the priority men’s medical center, “about 4% of the grown adult population engage in sexual activity on a day-to-day basis.”
If you have found that your partner has a sudden higher sex drive and it’s now affecting his daily life, it could be possible that he has a sex addiction. Sex addiction can be hard to recognize as it’s mostly internal signs that your partner will be able to acknowledge himself.
If your partner has ever suggested that he feels ‘high’ during sexual activity and is unable to control his sexual urges4 then it’s possible that he could have a sex addiction and should seek professional support with this.
The most important thing is learning how to work on your sexual differences in order to maintain a healthy sexual relationship and romantic relationship.
No two people will have the same level of sex drive. Men have been found across many studies to have more intense sexual desires than women.5
Having a mismatched libido can certainly impact your sex life and, in turn, your marriage. If you don’t have the same desire, or if one of you is feeling rejected frequently it can lead to other problems; especially if you haven’t communicated about your struggles sexually.
It can be easy to get in your own head and overthink. Remember, if this is something on the back of your mind then it’s more than likely on his too. Intimacy is key in any relationship and is usually a solution to a lot of problems in a marriage, paired with good communication of course.
Sex is a great way of keeping the bond between you strong. In fact, sex is a great way of strengthening a relationship and making you both feel closer to one another.
Being intimate with someone on a sexual level is a cornerstone to a relationship as desire drives feelings of lust and need for physical intimacy. Desire is central to a healthy relationship as it's not only a rare feeling, but it can help solidify other aspects of a partnership in terms of support and respect.
Try to use every sexual encounter you have with your husband as an opportunity to find out what he wants and likes as well as showing him what your wants and needs are too. No sexual experience is the same, and we should consistently learn from our sexual partner(s) about each other’s needs.
The best sex lives are ever-evolving. Our libidos are constantly changing as well as our desires and fantasies; you want to be able to grow sexually with your partner.
If you are struggling with a partner who has a high sex drive, whether this has always been the case or he’s experienced an influx in libido, there are many ways to handle his demanding sex drive.
It may seem obvious, but I thought it important to touch upon. Sometimes, when you notice that there’s been an influx in your partner’s sex drive it can be easy to let your mind wander; naturally, you might think the worse.
These negative thoughts may then lead you to be apprehensive to have sex with him, where usually you may be more receptive.
Generally speaking, if you had anything to be concerned about you would notice other red flags as well. More often than not, you know if you have a reason to be worried. Take a second to actually think about your partner’s behavior before jumping to conclusions.
His increased sex drive could do wonders for your relationship; sex can bring you closer together and encourage more than just sexual intimacy.
If you’re curious about his increased sex drive but see no reason to doubt his intentions, then I would suggest making the most of it and simply having more sex; this could do both of you a lot of good.
If you are concerned or worried, or even if you’re simply curious, the best solution is always to just ask.
It can feel difficult sometimes to talk about sex, even in long-term relationships, but you may find that asking him will provide you with a simple answer. That, and good communication is the key to a successful relationship.
This will also give you the opportunity to be completely honest about your own thoughts regarding your sex lives and will give you both clarity going forward.
If you have any hidden desires or fantasies, now is the time to speak out!
I speak about this often, but sharing your sexual fantasies can feel scary. I mean, you never really know how your partner is going to feel about your desires, this is because most people keep them secret.
Granted, it’s nice to keep some fantasies hidden, there’s nothing better than spending some alone time and being able to take the time to really focus on your own sexual pleasure.
But, sharing these pleasures with a partner could be the start of something really exciting in your sex life and even lead to the both of you being more adventurous when it comes to experimentation.
You might be thinking, what does this have to do with my husband's libido? Well, if you notice a spike in your partner’s sex drive and feel as though he’s being more sexually demanding, now is the perfect time to enlighten him about your own hidden desires as he’ll likely be more receptive than if he was experiencing a dry spell.
Plus, it will encourage him to share his own desires in return, ultimately benefiting your relationship together.
If you’re struggling to keep up with your man's sex drive, it’s best to be honest about your own libido as opposed to making excuses.
There’s only so many times you can tell him you’re too tired before he will start to think you’re not interested.
Everybody’s libido fluctuates, and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about if you’re struggling to feel sexual. Being honest with your partner about your own libido will encourage honesty in return and should lead to you and your partner having an open conversation regarding your sex life.
From here, you can decide together how best to work on your mismatching drives.
We already know that men tend to be active in their fantasies,2 and that this is what can drive them to having a higher sex drive.5
Encouraging him to be open about his sexual fantasies will help you both to understand his sudden increase in libido and in turn be able to manage your sex life better; you also may be interested in delving into his fantasies and spicing things up; experimentation is never a bad thing!
Dedicating time to your sex life is the best solution in any sexual problem you may encounter.
It’s important to put in the effort to spend quality time with your partner, especially in the bedroom. Often, sex is one of the only times where you can truly be yourselves and forget about daily stresses for a short while.
If you feel as though your husband is being sexually demanding, take the time to be intimate with him.
On the back of dedicating time to your sex lives, it’s important to note that there is absolutely nothing wrong with planning intimacy, in fact I would even encourage it.
Life often gets in the way of our relationships and it can be easy to allow sex to fall to the bottom of your priorities. Planning intimacy is the best way to overcome this.
People often think that scheduling sex takes away the excitement and spontaneity when it’s quite the opposite. Planning sex can be super exciting as you can get spicy in the build up. Send saucy text messages and photos, flirt and talk about what you’re wanting to try, and when the time comes you’ve essentially already started foreplay.
If your partner is experiencing a sudden high sex drive, it could be a good idea to initiate sexual intimacy yourself.
Take control of your sex life and show your partner that you’re just as excited about fulfilling his sexual desires as you are about fulfilling your own.
Having more sex is a great solution, but so is increasing physical intimacy in general.
This may even result in your sex drive eventually increasing as intimacy and romance can often lead to feelings of lust and desire.
That, and physical affection is highly important in any relationship.
This is also a great compromise to show that although you’re not feeling as sexual as your partner, you’re in no way rejecting him or ignoring his needs. Instead, you’re responding with affection and romance.
I must start by stating that an open relationship isn’t for everyone. For some couples it can be perfect, it entirely depends on your relationship.
Opening your relationship is a fairly broad term. To put it simply, it would be to become polyamorous. You may have a threesome, allow your partner to have other sexual partners or you may both enter sexual relations outside of your marriage.
It’s certainly not a decision to take lightly, and it would require consent and good communication from both partners, but it’s definitely something to consider.
Sex isn’t the only answer for sexual fulfillment, and there are many ways to satisfy your man without having sex or engaging sexually with him.
You may encourage him to delve into his desires, watch porn, engage in sexual acts that don’t result in intercourse… the list goes on.
When you’re feeling horny and your partner isn’t in the mood, masturbation is a great way to fulfill yourself sexually.
Masturbation is important in any sexual relationship and is arguably the best way to pleasure yourself as you know exactly what gets you going.
If you’re not feeling sexual, encouraging your partner shows him that you don’t mind him pleasuring himself (as some people can feel guilty or as though they have to hide it), and that you’re supportive of his sexual needs.
What’s better than masturbating? Mutual masturbation!
I am a big advocate of mutual masturbation for many reasons. If you’re not in the mood to have sex (sometimes you’re just not), this is a great compromise. If you’re tired it doesn’t require as much energy, you’re both essentially guaranteed to have a good time and there’s just something different about the chemistry you and your partner feel when masturbating together.
Couples therapy can be great for many things and should help you to understand each other better in order to advance your relationship (sexually and romantically).
It may help you to gain more insight into your partner’s increased sexual drive and how to act on it.
Couples often shy away from couples therapy as it has a negative stigma. Your relationship doesn’t need to be struggling in order for you to seek relationship support. Showing a willingness to work on your relationship is a positive in itself.
Relationships constantly evolve; you learn new things about each other every day and sometimes it can be helpful to have someone guide you and your partner in the right direction.
The number of reasons why your husband’s sex drive might have increased are endless. Whether it’s to do with his mental state, health reasons, hormones, or even just a sexual awakening; it usually isn’t something to worry about.
Of course, if you’re noticing red flags then that’s an entirely different story in itself, but, if you’re just curious about his sex drive then it’s likely no cause for concern.
What’s important is how you manage his increased sex drive in order to benefit your relationship.
Generally speaking, a man’s sex drive is at the highest throughout his twenties, slowly decreasing as he begins to hit his late thirties. With that being said, there are many things that can influence a man’s sex drive and it’s normal for a person’s libido to fluctuate throughout their life (both men and women).
The reasons why a man’s sex drive might be higher, in reverse, can explain why his libido may increase. Many causes can impact a loss of sex drive: relationship problems, stress, depression, erectile dysfunction, hormone levels, medication, and alcohol consumption.1
The best solution is to talk to him about it, he might not be aware that you’re feeling rejected and might not even be aware of his decrease in sex drive. Sometimes, life gets in the way and it can be easy to forget about sex every once in a while. Seeking advice from a friend or a professional may help you learn how to process this and work on your relationship together.
Everybody's libido is different, and our fluctuating sexual drives can often feel complex when sometimes that just isn’t the case.
Normal is such a tricky word when it comes to a person’s libido because ultimately it depends on the person.
Whilst men generally have higher libidos, sometimes it’s the woman that has a higher sex drive.
While in a relationship you’ll go through periods where you have a lot of sex and periods where you’ll go without. It’s important to communicate throughout so that you and your partner have a thorough understanding of each other.
Relationships require a lot of work, and sometimes sex is the key to a happy one.
If you have concerns about your partner's libido, there are many ways to seek support; whether it’s couples therapy or medical help. In most cases, it can be worked out by the two of you and your willingness to work on your relationship to find a compromise so that you’re both happy and sexually fulfilled.
If you have any further advice please feel free to comment. As always, share with a friend in need.