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How to Stay Calm In A Fight (17 Tips To Avoid Getting Aggravated)

Conflict in relationships is inevitable. There are going to be arguments, and emotions will occasionally run high. Some people think that avoiding arguments is the way to go, but that adds to the tension. The thing is, staying calm during an argument with your partner may be the only thing that keeps your relationship afloat.

Especially if you are a fighter, the notion of staying calm in the middle of a heated argument sounds impossible and unsatisfying. But it is a quality you will have to embody if you don’t want your relationship to be riddled with conflict. 

So, if you do not want your raw emotions to get the best of you during a fight with your significant other, then here are some tried and tested ways to stay calm during a fight.

17 Ways To Stay Calm When Arguing With Your Partner

1. Practice controlled breathing

practice controlled breathing

This may sound like some overrated mumbo jumbo, but believe me when I say that taking deep breaths is an excellent way to keep your cool. There is even a scientific reason to back the efficacy of taking deep breaths in a heated situation. 

You see, when your body registers stress, it spirals into a fight or flight mode. The result of that is most of your blood flowing away from your brain and towards your adrenal system.

Needless to say, your ability to have a civilized discussion will be greatly inhibited. You may not even recognize the words that come out of your mouth. Taking a couple of deep breaths goes a long way to redirect some much-needed blood back to your brain. You will even notice that your body will respond positively to you gulping all those breaths down. 

Your heart will stop pounding, and you will be able to pay attention to what your partner is saying and not the anger that is building up inside you. 

2. Try to address the issue and not your partner

In the heat of an argument, it is easy to let your emotions get the best of you. At that point, you end up attacking your partner and not the issue that you need to address. You hear yourself saying things like, ‘ You always do this,’ or ‘You are so inconsiderate.’ 

Whether these things are true or not, they do not belong in an argument, especially when both of you cannot control your emotions. Do not bring the other person down in a bid to ‘win’ the argument, it never ends well since you could seriously hurt your partner’s feelings. 

Instead, try to focus on the cause of your conflict, because that is the only way you can power through. The aim should not be to build a case against them, instead, you should try to work together to eliminate the issues that make you disagree. 

Even more, try not to digress and pile on the topics from some unresolved issues. That never works out well for anyone and it may end up causing more tension than you anticipated.

3. Control your voice level

It is easy to turn your attention to what your partner is saying and how infuriated it makes you feel. One thing leads to another, and you start to raise your voice, then it makes your partner even more upset. Once the argument goes down this road, then you are sure to spiral into a pool of issues that could ruin your relationship.

Your voice level can make or break the entire situation, so try to focus on your volume and pitch. Because once you start a shouting match, it is going to make the other person just as upset as you are. The worst kind of arguments is the ones where you are both so blind to reason that nothing actually gets solved. 

Do, once you notice that you are raising your voice, the argument will turn into something else. This is how couples end up at the bottom of a barrel of problems they never thought knew they had. If staying calm is your aim, then your voice may be the key to it all.

4. Humor works in some cases

Depending on how heated the argument is, then you can use humor to diffuse the situation. Especially if the emotions are not running high and both of you have not reached your respective boiling points, then you may be able to simplify issues with your sense of humor. 

It could be anything from a chuckle at a double entendre to a remark you know will remind them of something funny. 

Note that you should not use humor as a way to escape having a proper discussion. At the end of the day, if you are going to have an argument, then some issues should be addressed. Also, do not resort to humor if you know it will cause further tension. If your partner is far gone, then this will only thwart the chances of you having a productive discussion at the end of the day.

So, use this tactic only when you are sure it will not open the door to a whole new argument. 

Trust me, it will be impossible to stay calm if your partner starts attacking the fact that you can never have a serious discussion with them when conflict is in the picture.

5. Have a safe word

Safewords are not only handy when it comes to getting kinky, you can use them to ensure that you do not take things too far in an argument. Once it comes to someone you love, it is easy to have unrealistic expectations of them. The movies and romantic novels have made most of us think that you are supposed to have this electric and psychic connection with your partner.

In real life, it is seldom that way. So, once conflict kicks in, it is easy to let your emotions run so high that you go above and beyond to hurt the other person. In this case, there may not be anything logical that can calm you down. To that effect, you could simply agree on a safe word that you have to honor no matter how far gone you are.

Once you or your partner says the safe word, just take a moment to collect yourselves. Then really examine the manner in which you both carried yourself. Is it worth the well-being of your relationship?

6. Be honest with yourself

be honest with yourself

In the midst of an argument, it is easy to get so defensive that you cannot see your part in it all. It is human nature, if someone attacks you, you just want to protect yourself. But, all humans are flawed and making the decision to be with someone means you should be able to acknowledge your flaws and how it affects them.

Think about it, what really got the both of you to this point? Was it passive-aggressive body language? Do you avoid talking things out with your partner in a bid to avoid conflict? It could be anything, just ensure that you are honest enough to admit it to yourself because it will ground you.

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7. Try not to feel personally attacked

For some people, arguing is hard because they always feel like it is a personal attack. Does this sound like you? Then, no matter how cool and calm your partner is, you tend to take it to heart. Try to separate yourself from that mindset and you will be able to stay as cool as a cucumber.

8. Do not keep an account

Many people count things against their partners, it is like some sort of scoreboard they bring up when things get uncomfortable. Remember, there are no winners and losers in a lovers squabble. So, do not bring up your scoreboard in your head or vocally, it will make you more upset.

9. Remember that you love this person

Oftentimes, we end up hurting the people we love the most. For the most part, it is because of the unrealistic expectations we have of them. Once they do not meet these expectations, it is easy to lash out and try to hurt them too. In the midst of an argument, try to remember that you love this person and it will make it easier to keep your lid on.

10. Compromise, compromise, compromise

This one is so important that I have to mention it three times. Sometimes the only way to deescalate a situation is to compromise. If you notice that you are both heading for inferno, then look for any opportunity to compromise. With this tactic, you will both calm down.

11. Do not expect your partner to read your mind

I feel as if I have been whispering this all through this article, well that is because many people actually subscribe to this school of thought. It is not a logical way to think, but all is fair in love and war, right? In this case, no it isn’t. If you wait for your partner to somehow read your brain waves you will infuriate yourself, so refrain from this.

12. Remind yourself that all couples argue

Just because you never witnessed your parents arguing does not mean they did not. If you go into every argument acknowledging that all couples have issues they have to work through, you will stop viewing arguments as bad things. They can be quite productive if you know how to use your discussions to your advantage.

13. Empathize

This comes easier to some people than it does to others. But, it will do you worlds of good during an argument if you can try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. It will seem less like they are attacking you and more like they are pouring out their hearts.

14. Don’t assume, wait for an explanation

Assumptions are poison to all sorts of relationships, so if you want to remain calm in an argument, you should stay away from them. What if you misinterpreted a situation? You could end up blowing up over something trivial that could have been handled after a simple explanation. 

So, be patient enough to wait for some clarification, it could diffuse the situation in a split second.

15. Visualize something calming

If you have to go to your happy place during an argument, then, by all means, do it. I am not telling you to zone out once your partner wants to express themselves. That is simply disrespectful. 

Rather, once you notice that the feelings are bubbling up, think of something that can bring you back to earth. That way, you will not blow up prematurely and flush any progress down the drain.

16. Stay out of the liquor cabinet

stay out of the liquor cabinet

You may think that having some of that ‘happy juice’ during an argument will calm you down. Well, alcohol will end up lowering your inhibitions and you may end up saying or doing something you regret. So, stay sober and address the situation with a clear mind.

17. Listen with the intent of understanding your partner

Especially if your partner is ripping you a new one, it is not easy to maintain your composure. You may find yourself building a whole new case against them while they go on about the issue at hand. The thing is, sometimes the other person just needs to be heard, they feel like their opinions have not been getting the right amount of attention.

In this case, it is important to listen and not just because you are plotting your revenge in your head. Really listen to what they are saying with the intent to understand what is going on. If there is a chance, you could even ask questions to really get into their headspace. There should not be a separate winner or loser in an argument.

Ideally, you should both come out victorious against any issues that are threatening to shake down your relationship. So, listen and try to understand where your partner is coming from. 

Nevertheless, if you notice that you are open to moving forward at that point and your partner is not, then you need to look for another tactic. Letting them attack you for long stretches of time may end up triggering you.


How do you calm down during a fight?

If you know you are fast to anger during arguments, then the best way to keep calm is to stay quiet, then take some space. Chances are that if you say something, it may come out the wrong way. So, just practice steady breathing and wait for the first bouts of anger to pass. You could equally establish a safe word to ensure the other person does not overstep.

Is it better to be calm in a fight?

Yes, it is because when both you and your partner are upset, chances are you will lose control over your words. Even more, you are not responsible for their interpretation and that is a slippery slope on its own. Keeping calm in times of conflict is a sure way to ensure you do not say something you cannot take back and eventually ruin your relationship.

How do you stay calm when you're angry?

The countdown method is a great solution, simply count down from 10 and try to control your feelings. If things are getting too dicey and you fear you cannot keep your composure, then it is advisable to remove yourself from the situation. Then pay attention to your breathing, slow it down and try to rein in those feelings.

Why do I get anxious before a fight?

Confrontational situations are not comfortable for anyone, no matter what they say. But, some more than others have conflict anxiety. If you fall into that category, then it is important to tell yourself that conflict is a vital part of every relationship. Do not shy away from it, but do not look for opportunities to spur an argument.

Is it normal to be scared before a fight?

In my opinion, no it is not normal. Sure, having an argument is not the most ideal thing in the world. But It is a solid way to sort through differences as long as you attempt to see your partner’s point of view. Being scared before a fight may point to some other core issues that you have with your partner. 


In every relationship, there is bound to be an argument or two. It is a tried and tested way to sort through any issues you have with your partner. Nevertheless, there have to be some limits to what is said and done before you run into a major problem. 

With that in mind, it is important to stay calm and remain aware of the manner you present your words. Hopefully, you got some solid tips on staying calm during the conflict from this article. 

I would love to hear some of the creative ways you keep your cool when there is a problem. Also, do not hesitate to share this with someone who will benefit.

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