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How to Control Your Emotions in a Relationship (16 Manageable Ways)

Emotions are unarguably some of the most significant and powerful forces that drive us, they can either break or make us. They influence us to think, say, and do the things we do.

Feelings of excitement can motivate us to take chances. Sad feelings, on the other hand, make us cry and release toxic hormones or grieve and move on. Whilst love makes us act selflessly and make sacrifices as well. Negative emotions can have strong control over our rational minds and this is why we need to take control of them. 

Acting too fast or carelessly on your emotions could end very badly, especially when romantic feelings are involved. Your ability to control your negative emotions is key to sustaining healthy relationships.

So if you’d like to be in a healthy partnership and learn how to be emotionally stable in a relationship while still maintaining your sanity, self-respect, and power, keep on reading while I give you some tips on how to control your emotions in a relationship.

How Can Emotional Intelligence Impact Relationships?

So, how do you control your emotions in a relationship? The key is to remember that we all experience a large range of emotions in our human experience. It's okay to have emotions, but learning how to respond to them is key. You can do this by learning about emotional intelligence. It's a skill you can gain over time, and it's fundamental to having a successful relationship. 

Emotional intelligence is your ability to be aware of your emotions, control your emotions, and express your own feelings in a healthy way. If you're in a committed relationship or a marriage, it is worth your while to refine your empathy and emotional skills.

Why Is It Hard to Control Emotions in a Relationship?

Controlling emotions may feel difficult for several reasons. If you notice that you are experiencing emotional outbursts often, it is a good idea to find out the underlying reasons. Below are a few possible reasons you are struggling to find emotional balance in your relationships:

  • Not getting enough sleep
  • Stress, anxiety, or depression
  • Judging yourself for having emotions
  • Not enough self-care/ love

If you notice that you are lacking in any of the above possibilities, be sure to address each of them as needed. The more you love yourself, the easier it is to manage your emotions. Be gentle as you make small adjustments in your routine. 

15 Ways to Control Your Emotions in a Relationship

1. Think before you leap

think before you leap

Train yourself to think first and act later, don’t be fast to act on feelings without pondering the consequences. Negative emotions like rage, frustration, and bitterness are quite strong and can drive you to act irrationally. However, no matter how strong they are, they can still be controlled.

Whenever your spouse stresses you out, take a step back to process your emotions first before you react. Thinking about the aftermath of your actions ahead of time will help you make better decisions on handling the situation. By continuously being emotionally proactive, you’d build the habit of finding solutions to problems instead of being reactive and acting on a limb.

2. Process your emotions

Before mastering how to control your emotions in a relationship, you need to be clear about what these emotions really are. Try observing them like you’re a third party, with no judgments and without trying to suppress them. Don’t only try to identify what they are, also notice their intensity. 

Be detailed in your observations so you can identify how certain actions and situations affect you. In this case, it's always a good idea to own a diary. Journal your day and observe how your time around your lover affects your emotions. 

Take note of the things he does that make you lose it or change your mood. Don’t just focus on the negative, document your high points too. What does your lover do that makes you feel excited or at peace? It's all about observing and documenting at this stage. The more you observe your emotions without judgment, the more emotional balance and emotional intelligence you’ll obtain overtime. 

3. Ask yourself why

Try to find out why these things trigger those emotions, you’re going to need to do a lot of thinking at this point. You may discover that you are responsible for your destructive emotions. Your fluctuating emotional state may have a root in underlying issues that you’ve been projecting on your spouse

Whatever the case may be, you need to get to the bottom of it if you’re going to take control of your emotions. 

Don’t be deceived. Finding the root cause of your sentiments is hard work and may even take a while, however, it's very rewarding. Ask yourself questions like, “What triggered this feeling?” Did you feel frustrated because you felt disrespected? Or, do you feel threatened because your partner is too forward with other relationships with women?

Dig deep and be honest with yourself. 

4. Don’t dwell on negative thoughts

Once you’ve discovered what actually makes you feel less in charge of your emotions, you can actively decide how to handle them. The best way to feel better and in control is to stay positive. Don’t dwell on past misunderstandings, especially when you’ve both already discussed things as partners. 

Ruminating on past issues, what you should have done right or said, will only cause more strain on your emotions. Dwelling on the “what ifs” will do the complete opposite of making you feel in control. Put the past behind you and learn to live in the present instead. 

Dwell on the things you’ve got to look forward to, on the things you have control over now, and try to build on that. 

The more you move forward without dwelling on the past, the more your emotional intelligence in relationships will improve. You’ll notice a difference in your romantic relationships overtime.

5. Improve your communication skills

Communication straightens out complicated issues and intense emotions in most relationships, so many misunderstandings are caused by defective communication. Part of learning to control your emotions is learning to express them in the most constructive way possible. Being deep in your feelings could blind you from noticing the way you’re conveying them to your partner. 

However, when you take time to process how you feel then communicate them accurately to your partner, complications can be avoided

Stay away from accusatory statements and emotional outbursts. Also, be sure to take responsibility for your own faults. Statements that begin with, “I think” and “I feel” are more suited for conversations like these, and try not to sound like you’re reprimanding him.

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6. Watch your tone

People often mimic our behavior towards them, raising your voice while trying to explain things to your husband may cause him to shout back at you (especially if he also has no control over his emotions). 

In order to keep things under control and prevent things from getting out of hand, it's best to keep your tone calm, even when you’re angry. If you’re both shouting then you wouldn’t be able to listen to each other, which means no communication at all. You’ll have a more productive conversation if you keep your tone calm.

7. Watch your body language

If you’re wondering why your spouse is so defensive or aggressive when you communicate with him, perhaps you need to be more mindful of your body language. Sometimes, we give off the energy we don’t mean to. There’s a chance that your spouse’s defensiveness is a reaction to your aggressive body language. 

When you’re communicating with him, try not to tap your feet, cross your arms, or look away dismissively. You may not say a word but these actions may make you seem hostile and cause him to react accordingly. Whatever you do, try to stay calm. If you are way too upset, step away for some time so you can calm down.

8. Take deep breaths

Breathing deeply is one of the best ways to relieve stress on your body, the oxygen you take in helps to reduce your heart rate and your blood pressure. Deep breaths also activate your relaxation response and inhibit stress-inducing hormones. 

When you’re feeling overwhelmed with emotion, step aside, and take a deep breath, they’ll help you calm down faster and get your emotions under control. When you’re more relaxed, you’ll be able to communicate your feelings to your partner accurately or express them in the right way.

9. Walk away from an argument if it gets too heated

walk away from an argument if it gets too heated

You know how it is when things are approaching the point of no return in an argument. As soon as your mind starts giving you warning images, walk away, and try to cool off. We all know what could happen if you don’t walk away could cost you your relationship. Some statements can’t be taken back, they’re better left unsaid. 

When you’re completely calm you can approach your spouse and handle things rationally without any fights or permanent damage to your relationship. The safest thing to do is to leave the argument way before your anger levels reach a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10. 

Don’t wait for it to get out of hand, it may not be easy to calm yourself at that point. Just say something like, “Please excuse me, I’m too upset, I’d like to calm down before we continue this discussion.”

10. Train your mind to be present

Being present involves way more than being aware of your present situation or state. When you’re overwhelmed with so many emotions, take a moment to be quiet and remind yourself that you're still here at this very moment and you’re okay. You’re still you and there’s nothing different about you now and you from a second ago

The only thing that has changed is the situation and its effects on your emotions. Try to mentally stay with these thoughts, voice them out audibly if possible just to help you stay focused. When this awareness sinks in, you’ll be able to gather up the strength to check your emotions and your corresponding actions.

11. Be rational

When we’re caught up in our feelings about things, we tend to get carried away and allow those emotions to push us to act irrationally. Our rational mind may know we’re not supposed to do or say certain things but our emotions make us override that knowledge. 

This is not to say that all emotions need to be ignored, on the contrary, embracing your emotions will help you live a healthy life. 

However, blindly following our emotions most times leads to disaster. What needs to be done rather is to rationalize your emotions. Be realistic and be honest with yourself about how you feel and what the consequences of your actions would be if you acted on them.

12. Have a clear vision of what you want your relationship to be

If you have a clear vision of what you want out of a relationship, it will help you stay away from relationships and men who make you feel powerless. Not being able to manage your emotions may be a sign that the relationship is becoming toxic for you. If you aren’t getting what you want out of your present relationship, it may be time to call it quits.

13. Deal with your thoughts

Much like emotions, your thoughts guide your actions, what you think about continuously is what you will act on. There’s a higher chance of you losing your temper when your spouse upsets you if all day you’ve been thinking about all the things he does to upset you.

The first step to directing your thoughts towards the positives is to be clear about what is really happening. Be sure you fully understand the situation and be completely realistic about it. When you’re clear about the situation and your role in it you can tell yourself the truth and begin to direct your thoughts towards the positives and possible solutions.

The fastest way to direct your thoughts is through your conversations with yourself, make positive statements to yourself out loud. Statements like, “I can manage my own emotions” or “No one has the power to make me act irrationally.” 

14. Don’t forget to forgive

don't forget to forgive

As hard as it seems to do, forgiveness is quite therapeutic and very powerful. It's almost impossible to forget whatever made you bitter or annoyed, but you can choose to forgive the person you love and the situation surrounding it. Remaining bitter about something your partner or even an ex did to you gives them the power to control your emotions at any time.

He may not apologize or show remorse for what he did. So, to free yourself from the bondage of that situation, you will need to forgive him. Forgiveness isn’t just directed outwardly, some people are stuck in one phase of their lives because they haven’t forgiven themselves for a mistake they made. 

Try forging yourself also for your faults so you can have the strength to put your emotions under control. 

15. Talk to someone you trust

How to control your emotions in a relationship? One of the best ways is to talk to a trusted family member or friend. When you’re struggling, pick someone who knows your history and moods. These people are vital when you're struggling to handle the ups and downs of life. 

Your friend may be able to give you a different perspective on what is happening and give you clarity. Your family and friends want whatever is best for you, your relationship, and your life. For this reason, don't be afraid to reach out to your support system. 

16. Seek medical help if you find it hard to regulate your emotions

Sometimes, the emotional difficulties you’re facing may be hormonal and in that case, you may be required to see a doctor. If you notice that your mood swings are extreme and sometimes they don’t even need a trigger then book an appointment with your doctor as soon as you can. 

Thyroid issues could also cause hormonal imbalance and could be causing you to have negative thoughts. Explain your situation to your doctor in detail, and work with him to find a solution.


How do you control your feelings for someone you love?

When couples are overwhelmed with emotion, they tend to act irrationally. However, if you step back and ponder the effects/consequences of reacting to those emotions, it could prevent you from acting on them. Also acknowledging what you feel could really help you decide how to handle them.

Can you have control over your emotions?

In actuality, you can’t have complete control over your emotions, the best way to handle them is to accept them as they come, that way you take away their ability to control you. Your emotions can be clues to what's really happening. Acknowledging them without judging yourself would help you rationally decide what to do about it.

How do I not let him control my emotions?

The truth is, it's not always in your hands to prevent people from hurting you, sometimes you don’t see it coming. Be open to loving him but do not close your eyes to his person, if he’s toxic, it’s important to have boundaries. Don’t let his own emotions dictate yours.

How do you know when you are losing feelings for someone?

One of the major signs of lost feelings in relationships is the reluctance to engage in difficult conversations or any other form of argumentative discussion. Losing the need to express your feelings to your partner when you’re upset or bothered about something shows that you have lost passion and interest in the relationship.


I hope you found this article helpful and have a clearer understanding on how to control your emotions in a relationship. Remember, knowing how to control your emotions in a relationship is key to being a healthy couple. Don't try to ignore or neglect your feelings, rather, work hard to keep them in check. Please leave your comments in the section below and be sure to share the article.

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Whether you're married or just started dating someone, infidelity rates have risen by over 40% in the past 20 years, so your concerns are justified.

Do you want to find out if he's texting other women behind your back? Or if he has an active Tinder or dating profile? Or even worse, if he has a criminal record or is cheating on you?

This tool can help by uncovering hidden social media and dating profiles, photos, criminal records, and much more, potentially putting your doubts to rest.


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