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How To Control Your Emotions In A Relationship (15 Manageable Ways)

Last updated on June 8, 2022 by Sonya Schwartz

Emotions are unarguably some of the most significant and powerful forces that drive us, they can either break or make us. They influence us to think, say, and do the things we do. 

Feelings of excitement can motivate us to take chances. Sad feelings, on the other hand, make us cry and release toxic hormones or grieve and move on. Whilst love makes us act selflessly and make sacrifices as well. Feelings can have strong control over our rational minds and this is why we need to take control of them. 

Acting too fast or carelessly on your emotions could end very badly, especially when romantic feelings are involved. Your ability to control your emotions is crucial to the health and duration of your relationships. 

So if you’d like to be in a healthy relationship while still maintaining your sanity, self-respect, and power, keep on reading while I give you some tips on how to control your emotions in a relationship.

15 Ways To Control Your Emotions In A Relationship   

1. Think before you leap

Train yourself to think first and act later, don’t be fast to act on feelings without pondering the consequences. Negative emotions like rage, frustration, and bitterness are quite strong and can drive you to act irrationally. However, no matter how strong they are, they can still be controlled. 

Whenever your spouse stresses you out, take a step back to process your emotions first before you react. Thinking about the aftermath of your actions ahead of time will help you make better decisions on handling the situation. By continuously being emotionally proactive, you’d build the habit of finding solutions to problems instead of being reactive and acting on a limb.

2. Process your emotions

Process your emotions

Before mastering how to control your emotions in a relationship, you need to be clear about what these emotions really are. Try observing them like you’re a third party, with no judgments and without trying to suppress them. Don’t only try to identify what they are, also notice their intensity. 

Be detailed in your observations so you can identify how certain actions and situations affect you. In this case, it's always a good idea to own a diary. Journal your day and observe how your time around your lover affects your emotions

Take note of the things he does that make you lose it or change your mood. Don’t just focus on the negative, document your high points too. What does your lover do that makes you feel excited or at peace? It's all about observing and documenting at this stage.

3. Ask yourself why

Try to find out why these things trigger those emotions, you’re going to need to do a lot of thinking at this point. You may discover that you have a big hand in your own fluctuating emotions or you may have underlying issues that you’ve been projecting on your spouse

Whatever the case may be, you need to get to the bottom of it if you’re going to take control of your emotions. 

Don’t be deceived. Finding the root cause of your sentiments is hard work and may even take a while, however, it's very rewarding. Ask yourself questions like, “What triggered this feeling?” Were you upset because you felt disrespected? Or, do you feel threatened because your partner is too forward with other women? Dig deep and be honest with yourself. 

4. Don’t dwell on negative thoughts

Once you’ve discovered what actually makes you feel less in charge of your emotions, you can actively decide how to handle them. The best way to feel better and in control is to stay positive, don’t dwell on past misunderstandings, especially when you’ve both already discussed things as partners. 

Ruminating on past issues; what you should have done right or said, would only cause more strain on your emotion. Dwelling on the what if’s will do the complete opposite of making you feel in control. Put the past behind you and learn to live in the present instead. 

Dwell on the things you’ve got to look forward to, on the things you have control over now, and try to build on that. 

5. Improve your communication skills

Communication straightens out complicated issues in so many relationships, so many misunderstandings are caused by defective communication. Part of learning to control your emotions is learning to express them in the most constructive way possible. Being deep in your feelings could blind you from noticing the way you’re conveying them to your partner. 

However, when you take time to process how you feel then communicate them accurately to your partner, complications can be avoided. Stay away from accusatory statements and be sure to take responsibility for your own faults. Statements that begin with, “I think” and “I feel” are more suited for conversations like these, and try not to sound like you’re reprimanding him.

6. Watch your tone

People often mimic our behavior towards them, raising your voice while trying to explain things to your husband may cause him to shout back at you (especially if he also has no control over his emotions). 

In order to keep things under control and prevent things from getting out of hand, it's best to keep your tone calm, even when you’re angry. If you’re both shouting then you wouldn’t be able to listen to each other, which means no communication at all. You’ll have a more productive conversation if you keep your tone calm.

7. Watch your body language

If you’re wondering why your spouse is so defensive or aggressive when you communicate with him, perhaps you need to be more mindful of your body language. Sometimes, we give off the energy we don’t mean to. There’s a chance that your spouse’s defensiveness is a reaction to your aggressive body language. 

When you’re communicating with him, try not to tap your feet, cross your arms, or look away dismissively. You may not say a word but these actions may make you seem hostile and cause him to react accordingly. Whatever you do, try to stay calm. If you are way too upset, step away for some time so you can calm down.

8. Take deep breaths

Breathing deeply is one of the best ways to relieve stress on your body, the oxygen you take in helps to reduce your heart rate and your blood pressure. By breathing deeply you’re also activating your relaxation response and inhibits stress-inducing hormones. 

When you’re feeling overwhelmed with emotion, step aside, and take a few deep breaths, they’ll help you calm down faster and get your emotions under control. When you’re more relaxed, you’ll be able to communicate your feelings to your partner accurately or express them in the right way.

9. Walk away from an argument if it gets too heated

Walk away from an argument if it gets too heated

You know how it is when things are approaching the point of no return in an argument. As soon as your mind starts giving you warning images, walk away, and try to cool off. We all know what could happen if you don’t walk away could cost you your relationship. Some statements can’t be taken back, they’re better left unsaid. 

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When you’re completely calm you can approach your spouse and handle things rationally without any fights or permanent damage to your relationship. The safest thing to do is to leave the argument way before your anger levels reach a four on a scale of 1 to 10, don’t wait for it to get out of hand, it may not be easy to calm yourself at that point. Just say something like, “Pls excuse me, I’m too upset, I’d like to calm down before we continue this discussion”.

10. Train your mind to be present

Being present involves way more than being aware of your present situation or state. When you’re overwhelmed with so many emotions, take a moment to be quiet and remind yourself that you're still here in this very moment and you’re okay. You’re still you and there’s nothing different about you now and you from a second ago. 

The only thing that has changed is the situation and its effects on your emotions. Try to mentally stay on these thoughts, voice them out audibly if possible just help you stay focused. When this awareness sinks in, you’ll be able to gather up the strength to check your emotions and your corresponding actions.

11. Be rational

When we’re caught up in our feelings about things, we tend to get carried away and allow those emotions to push us to act irrationally. Our rational mind may know we’re not supposed to do or say certain things but our emotions make us override that knowledge. This is not to say that all emotions need to be ignored, on the contrary, embracing your emotions will help you live a healthy life

However, blindly following our emotions most times leads to disaster. What needs to be done rather is to rationalize your emotions. Be realistic and be honest to yourself about how you feel and what the consequences of your actions would be if you act on them.

12. Have a clear vision of what you want your relationship to be

If you have a clear vision of what you want out of a relationship, it will help you stay away from relationships and men who make you feel powerless. Not being able to manage your emotions may be a sign that the relationship is becoming toxic for you. If you aren’t getting what you want out of your present relationship, it may be time to call it quits.

13. Deal with your thoughts

Much like emotions, your thoughts guide your actions, what you think about continuously is what you will act on. There’s a higher chance of you losing your temper when your spouse upsets you if all day you’ve been thinking about all the things he does to upset you. 

The first step to directing your thoughts towards the positives is to be clear about what is really happening. Be sure you fully understand the situation and be completely realistic about it. When you’re clear about the situation and your role in it you can tell yourself the truth and begin to direct your thoughts towards the positives and possible solutions. 

The fastest way to direct your thoughts is through your conversations with yourself, make positive statements to yourself out loud. Statements like, “I can manage my own emotions” or “No one has the power to make me act irrationally”. 

14. Don’t forget to forgive

As hard as it seems to do, forgiveness is quite therapeutic and very powerful. It's almost impossible to forget whatever made you bitter or annoyed, but you can choose to forgive the person you love and the situation surrounding it. Remaining bitter about something your partner or even an ex did to you gives them the power to control your emotions at any time. 

He may not apologize or show remorse for what he did. So, to free yourself from the bondage of that situation, you will need to forgive him. Forgiveness isn’t just directed outwardly, some people are stuck in one phase of their lives because they haven’t forgiven themselves for a mistake they made. 

Try forging yourself also for your faults so you can have the strength to put your emotions under control. 

15. Seek medical help if you find it hard regulating your emotions

Sometimes, the emotional difficulties you’re facing may be hormonal and in that case, you may be required to see a doctor. If you notice that your mood swings are extreme and sometimes they don’t even need a trigger then book an appointment with your doctor as soon as you can. 

Thyroid issues could also cause hormonal imbalance and could be causing you to have negative thoughts. Explain your situation to your doctor in detail, and work with him to find a solution.


How do you control your feelings for someone you love?

When couples are overwhelmed with emotion, they tend to act irrationally. However, if you step back and ponder the effects/consequences of reacting to those emotions, it could prevent you from acting on them. Also acknowledging what you feel could really help you decide how to handle them. 

Can you have control over your emotions?

In actuality, you can’t have complete control over your emotions, the best way to handle them is to accept them as they come, that way you take away their ability to control you. Your emotions can be clues to what's really happening, acknowledging them without judging yourself would help you rationally decide what to do about it.

How do I not let him control my emotions?

The truth is, it's not always in your hands to prevent people from hurting you, sometimes you don’t see it coming. Be open to loving him but do not close your eyes to his person, if he’s a toxic person, it’s important to have boundaries. Don’t let his own emotions dictate yours.  

What is the true sign of love?

True love isn’t selfish, it's not urgent, and based on one party’s terms. Mutual respect and understanding, affection, and genuine care are a big part of it. Feelings that are based only on one party’s terms is not real love, it's more likely to be an infatuation and should not be invested in.

How do you know when you're losing feelings for someone?

One of the major signs of lost feelings in relationships is the reluctance to engage in difficult conversations or any other form of argumentative discussion. Losing the need to express your feelings to your partner when you’re upset or bothered about something, shows that you have lost passion and interest in the relationship. 

The Bottom Line

I hope you found this article helpful. Remember, knowing how to control your emotions in a relationship is key to being a healthy couple. Don't try to ignore or neglect your feelings rather work hard to keep them in check. Please leave your comments in the section below and be sure to share the article.

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Sonya Schwartz
A hopeless romantic that struggled for many years to find her Mr "Right" and made all the mistakes you could think of while dating. Known for always choosing the wrong guys or messing up relationships, Sonya was finally able to change her approach and mindset when it came to dating which helped her eventually find the man of her dreams and become happily married. You can read more about me here...

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