Are you head over heels in love with a guy and can’t seem to wrap your head around the reason? Does your behavior make you worry you may actually be obsessed with him? In this article, we explore 13 possible reasons why this may be so.
However, before we get into it, it is imperative that we’re both on the same page as to what obsession means. Many of us have a massive crush on someone, and just because it refuses to disappear when we expect it to, we give it the wrong term. Obsession is not a child’s play and shouldn’t be thrown around carelessly.
In this context, it may mean you think you’re hopelessly in love with someone and feel a compulsive need to manipulate and control them and everything around them to show them you do. This kind of love is unhealthy and destructive, and you may become abusive, depressed, or perceive other people interacting with them as a threat to you.
Their well-being isn’t a priority per se to you in this situation, and neither is yours. That being said, let’s get right into seeing why you may be feeling the way you do, shall we?
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For some people, someone they like being out of reach only increases their appeal to them. Some can’t stand the idea of not having anything they want in any area of their life. But romantically, it is quite common among women to obsess over guys we can’t have.
Not being able to have him may mean he’s out of your league (maybe a celebrity), taken, or just not interested in going out with you. He may have even rejected you outrightly, but that only seems to boost the attraction factor.
If this is your current predicament, experts say it’s because this type of rejection stimulates the part of your brain linked to addiction, motivation, reward, and cravings. Interpreting it as these things might be why you can’t stop thinking about him.
An extension of the above is when you obsess over a guy who treats you like crap. He may not say no to you, in fact, you may be in a relationship, but all he ever brings you is pain. Yet, something about the allure of the ‘bad boy’ keeps you going back to him. It’s likely you’re simply obsessed with his character and you’re not in love.
You know he’s emotionally unstable, yet you make up all forms of excuses for him because he can be ‘good for you.’ I’m no shrink, but I’ll bet his approval has become like cocaine for you. If you can just get a fix, maybe it’ll hold you for a little longer, and he’ll come to his senses? Well, here’s a spoiler: he most likely won’t. So, it’s best to stop seeking approval.
If the above point hits a nerve, it may no longer be just a case of you consciously trying to remain with him. You may have developed a sort of codependent relationship with the idea of what you have with this person. Hence, the need to make the bad boy good (and not just for a weekend) might be what has driven you to obsession.
You may figure love is your motivation for falling into such a pattern, and you may be right. But you should know a healthy relationship doesn’t thrive on codependency. In fact, it probably points to low self-esteem on your part and may also be a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder.
If he’s the best you’ve ever had one way or another, obsession is an all-too-easy pattern to fall into if you don’t catch yourself on time. It’s worse if you no longer have access to him because then your brain goes into overdrive spinning perfect versions of him to make up for what you miss. If that’s the case, you have to remember that there’s plenty of fish in the sea.
Is there any chance you may be addicted to what you gain by being associated with this guy? Is he the kindest soul you have ever encountered? Is he so generous to you or other people around that you’ve convinced yourself you could never do better?
Is it his looks, or could it be the way he makes love to you that flicked a permanent switch in you? If you said yes to any of these, maybe, you’re not really in love with him, but with the way he makes you feel in real life. Remember, true love has no obsession.
The way commitment issues are a thing for some people, so could attachment be for you. Like many things that manifest fully in adulthood, it begins with the type of love and attention you had as a child. If you formed a less than wholesome attachment to your parents or guardian probably because they were mostly unavailable or abusive, it’ll have a direct impact on your adult relationships.
If you formed an insecure attachment style based on a constant fear that your parents will separate and leave you, that might explain your current situation. That fear may have developed into anxiety, causing you to overcompensate when you fall in love with someone by obsessing over them.
A common effect of attachment disorders, as explained above, is an intense fear of abandonment. Asides from those that stem directly or indirectly from your relationship with your childhood caregiver, you could also develop this issue in other ways.
For instance, if someone you dated who meant the whole world left you for no apparent reason, you may have interpreted that as not being enough for anyone. If it happened early on in your mental development, you might have shaped your subsequent relationships after this, thinking you have something to prove before others can stay.
Like the child above who fears her parents might leave, you may find yourself holding on a little tighter than is healthy to anyone you fall in love with so they don’t go too.
That brings me to my next point: can you tell the difference between love and obsession? Do you find yourself habitually invading the privacy of people you love in the name of how you feel about them? Have you ever felt the need to beat another woman up for so much as complimenting your man? The answer to these will further help you understand why you’re obsessed with him.
Does your whole life suddenly start revolving around a guy as soon as you meet him? Do you find yourself tracking your man’s every single movement both in person and on social media? Do you get depressed (not sad) as soon as the attention or validation of the object of your affection wanes? Do you threaten to hurt someone or yourself if they leave you?
If these and similar behaviors are how you feel and express yourself in love, I’m sorry to break it to you, but that is something else entirely, not love.
Maybe your boundary issues don’t only pop up with people you develop feelings for. The major difference between love and the dreaded ‘O’ word is that one doesn’t know when or where to stop. If the concept of limits is alien to you, you won’t know where to draw the line with yourself, let alone when it comes to someone else.
This may contribute to you mistaking fixation for love because you don’t know any better. Do your loved ones usually complain about your obsessive attitude or worry about you going in too deep, too fast into something, anything, but mostly romantic relationships? Make sure you do an inward check, and you may just find the problem is from within.
Fear and insecurity lead us to believe that we are not worthy of love, and plunge us into a deep sense of inadequacy, therefore we cannot afford to express ourselves. Instead, we tend to make an extreme sacrifice in an attempt to adapt to someone—the only possibility to be loved and saved.
The other person, obviously, does not even perceive everything that is happening. You simply invest yourself with a series of idealizations and expectations that you must constantly pursue, creating an obsessive love.
Emotional emptiness leads many people to desperately search for love and acceptance, with the false belief that they can only be happy if they are reciprocated by the person who is the object of their obsession. They then create an illusion that takes them further and further from the truth and that generates suffering and disappointment.
If you feel like you relate, or it sounds like what you’re going through, I’ll advise you to get some help. A visit to a therapist or even a chat with a loved one will work well to help you make sense of it all.
Quite relative to the previous point. If you’re a needy person, you continue to keep your partner at the center of your life with the illusion that everything will change.
You might assume that finally, your partner will realize the mutual need, the love that inextricably unites you, and that every effort you gave will be rewarded. But the reality is different because you are truly not doing more than feeding your love obsessions.
If you have generally felt bad about yourself even before you met this guy, you likely went into the relationship without recognizing your own dissatisfaction with yourself and the critical points present.
In a relationship, you will continue to convince yourself that you are not “enough”. The requirement for your partner to reaffirm your own security will remain unanswered, leaving more room for every single insecurity to come through.
Another viable reason to explore would be how much you have going for you personally apart from this guy. Were you in a long-term relationship with him and took the “his win is my win” mentality a little too far? It is not uncommon to become overly attached to something or someone when you’ve invested a lot into them.
If all your achievements have to do with your relationship with him one way or the other, that could be your answer to why you’re obsessed. It could also be a result of a long-held resentment from an acrimonious separation.
Either way, work on making a conscious decision to stop obsessing about what you’ve lost or stand to lose. The good news is, it’s never too late to rebuild your sense of self, it just won’t be easy.
You know what else could make you feel like this guy is all you’ve got going for you?
If he met you at a low point mentally. And I say this with no iota of judgment or condescension because the best of us have been there. When you have personal struggles you can’t seem to describe or think wouldn’t make a difference if you could, then someone comes along and just gets it, it’s hard to let such a person go.
This can easily cause you to slip into codependency, and even though you may be out of the woods by the time the relationship ends, you may never truly get over them. Not for as long as you see them as your savior anyway.
If this is you, an excellent way to start putting them behind you or at least learn to love them appropriately is to get professional help.
Erotomanic delusions are another possible reason you’re unable to stop obsessing over someone. The condition is a disorder, albeit an uncommon one. It is characterized by an inability to tell fantasy apart from reality. Often, a symptom of a more severe mental health illness like Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder, it can make you believe someone is deeply in love with you when they’re not.
This is a little more complicated than being unsure of someone’s feelings for you. There could be clear evidence that shows they aren’t, they may not even know of your existence, but the disorder will have you convinced you’re in a loving relationship. But before you freak out, you should remember it is a rare condition, and there’s a pretty high chance you don’t have it.
You suffer from unfounded fear of loss. A bit of healthy care should be natural, but panic is not an option. Unfounded and excessive jealousy can also be signs.
What does that have to do with you obsessing over a guy? Hear me out. Obsessive-compulsive disorder can present itself in several ways, from a need to maintain a perpetually clean environment to an irrational need for control.
This condition can also present itself in the way you approach your relationships. However, unlike the other points we’ve discussed, your fixation works quite differently with ROCD. It makes you question your feelings for the object of your affection as well as how they feel about you.
You may not be able to stop obsessing about whether or not they’re the right person for you and may need to be frequently reassured of their love. If you end up losing the person because of these uncertainties, it may cause you to obsess over them.
There is a psychological term for most of the points on this list, it’s called Obsessive Love Disorder (OLD). This may be the long and short of the reason you can’t seem to wrap your mind around your obsessive love for this guy.
Many of the points I’ve mentioned are actually causes and symptoms of this condition, which, by the way, is yet to be fully accepted as a mental health illness.
OLD can indicate other mental health conditions, as opposed to being an isolated illness. In any case, the frequency of occurrence is relatively low, with the National Library of Medicine estimating its prevalence to be under 0.1%.
According to Healthline, OLD symptoms may include having obsessive thoughts about the object of your affection with an overwhelming attraction to the said person. The condition may also make you extremely jealous when they interact with other people as it causes you to become super-possessive of them. Others include low self-esteem, disregard for boundaries, wanting to control them, and threatening to harm them or yourself if they leave.
Having OLD may cause one to obsess over people you get into a relationship with or even strangers sometimes. Mental conditions like erotomania, OCD, and attachment disorder can also make one obsess over another person. Then there are the other things like having a score to settle, boundary issues, low sense of self, and the likes.
If you obsess over guys who treat you nicely and are kind to you, it may be because you lacked that growing up. But if you usually obsess over guys you can’t have or who are mean to you, you may have low self-esteem, have very little going for you, or an underlying mental condition.
To stop obsessing over someone, you first have to figure out why you do it. Do you find yourself living in your head more than in reality? Are you usually more fixated on people you barely know, or is your issue letting go of those you do? Consider finding out the source of the problem by seeking professional help.
An obsessed person inclines on the extreme of two strong emotions (love or hate) for their object. They usually run with idealized ideas and can be so intense in their display of it that it becomes a cause for concern for the person on the receiving end.
I hope you found this post enlightening. If you’re here, it means you’re probably already on a path to healing. Whatever your reason for obsessing over someone is, remember it’s never too late to stop and regain your sense of self. Goodluck! Before you go, though, kindly leave a comment and share the article if you gained from it.