Don’t you find the start of a new relationship exciting? I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s the best part of dating.
Getting to know someone, the thrill of meeting up, exchanging texts all day. Then one day the texts stop. You wonder to yourself - why is he ignoring my texts all of a sudden?
Let me tell you my story. I remember using online dating around 5 years ago and text messaging was the best way of communicating. I’d message potential dates on the site via email, get chatting, and then, if we liked each other, agree to meet.
Some dates went well, others, well, let’s just say not so well. But there was one guy that I really clicked with. He was funny, attentive, charming, it all seemed too good to be true.
We dated for about 5 weeks, in-between dates we texted every day, and multiple times too. The rush I got when my phone pinged and I saw it was his name was delicious. I knew he was thinking of me and it boosted my confidence.
Then one day I happened to text him and he didn’t reply in his usual timely fashion. I’d texted in the morning and by the evening he still hadn’t replied. Now he is ignoring me. It got to the next day and puzzled, I sent another text, asking him if everything was ok? I got a one-word response ‘Yeah’.
Wow! What the heck? ‘Yeah’? What did that mean? We’d been all cozy and lovey-dovey for five weeks, texting non-stop, flirting with each other and I got a ‘yeah’ after 24 hours?
Now I went back through all my messages, wracking my brain, to try and work out what had happened. He obviously was pissed at me for some reason but what had I done?
I don’t think I appeared desperate, or clingy, I rarely texted him first, I didn’t respond within seconds to his texts but I didn’t play it ultra-cool either. So what had happened? I had to know, why is he ignoring me, and not only that, but I had to know what to do next.
Should I be texting back? How could I find out what was going on? What do you do when someone stops texting? I mean, it’s hard when someone ignores you.
And here’s the problem dear readers, and that is that as humans we have an innate need, no, I’ll call it a craving, to know, to have closure, to understand a situation, particularly one where we have no control.
And that’s where a lot of us get it wrong. Because, when a guy suddenly starts ignoring your texts, it’s never something you’ve done. Let me put that in capitals so you understand – IT’S NEVER SOMETHING YOU’VE DONE.
So, before I tell you the ending to my story, let’s go through some reasons why a guy will suddenly stop texting you all of a sudden.
This is the most basic and obvious answer. Men are doers, not talkers. It’s a universal fact. Guys like to chat about non-emotional stuff like cars, work, and maybe good-looking women now and then. When it comes to texting, they certainly don’t like to chat for hours via text on a phone.
Now, if your new squeeze has never really got into a texting routine with you he might be trying to subtly hint that this is not his preferred method of communication. Check through previous texts; has he ever suggested calling instead of texting? If so, there’s your answer.
But, if he has been happy to text until the wee hours and now he’s ignoring you all of a sudden, that’s a different matter altogether. Send a text asking if he is ok. If he really likes you he’ll text back. If not, then leave it.
Let’s face it, some people are cowards and for them, ghosting is a perfect way of ending a relationship. I mean, who wants to try and have to explain all the reasons you don’t want to see someone again? Totally awkward right?
It’s much easier to just cut off all contact and let the other person figure it out for themselves.
However, some guys genuinely cannot face up to causing another person hurt or upset. And while this is an admirable quality, it’s not good in the short or long-term for anyone’s mental wellbeing.
The ghosted person is always left asking questions and needing closure.
I have a friend who doesn’t work and when she texts me she expects an answer within seconds. I work from home and she knows this and yet she’ll call me during the day with trivial little problems I can easily solve for her later on.
I had to explain to her (my friend is elderly) that I have a different kind of schedule to hers. She gets up very early and does her chores, watches daytime TV, does a bit of gardening, then makes lunch, watches afternoon TV, etc.
From her perspective, everyone is leading the exact same lifestyle as her. They all have as much free time as she does. When I explained to her about my day and what is involved and just how little work I could get done if I answered every call I got during the day, she finally understood why I couldn’t call her back during work hours.
What I’m trying to say is that when you are sitting at home, waiting for a text to ping through, it’s easy to see things from just your point of view. Sure, it’s super-quick to send a text, but what if your guy is in meetings all day and doesn’t have time for a wee?
Or maybe he’s a delivery man on a tight schedule and thinks he can’t text because then you’ll expect a reply and he really doesn’t have the time to get into a text exchange right now.
Don’t panic, if your bloke always texts when he can, even if it’s late or the next day, it’s probably because he’s tied up or busy.
If he suddenly stopped texting it could indicate he’s come to a conclusion that things just didn’t click. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
After all, who wants to date the mundane, the dull, the boring? Dull and boring never gave us butterflies in our stomachs. Mundane didn’t cause our hearts to flutter or our skin to tingle.
Now you might have thought everything was going really well and that sparks were flying all over the show. But remember, a relationship takes two people to feel that click, that wonderful spark.So it really is a blessing that he’s called it off by suddenly ignoring your texts. Actually, you should be thanking him.
Was the majority of your communication via text messages? If so, I have to tell you that it’s easy to slip into projecting your version of the perfect man onto the text sender.
Blocks of texts are wide open to interpretation. An innocuous comment can turn into a declaration of everlasting love on your part. Perfectly innocent sentences can turn into romantic testimonies of undying commitment.
Okay, I’m being a tad over the top here, but what I’m saying is that you can’t read a person’s body language, hear the tone of their voice, see their eye movements when you read a text. Your guy might text ‘yeah, love you’ with rolling eyes and shaking his head. But all you read is ‘OMG, he loves me!’
So be careful of idolizing a person you don’t really know. Try and spend more IRL time with this guy, then you’ll be able to make sense of his texts.
Did you use a really flattering picture for your profile on a dating site where you two met? Did you get your friend who’s a genius at words to write a super-funny profile for you? Have you gained 20 pounds in the last couple of weeks?
When we browse through dating profiles we construct a mental image of that person. We use the information provided. So, the pictures, the descriptions, and the text messages all help to flesh out an idea of the person we’re about to meet.
Using all these bits of data we have in our minds what the person is going to look like and act like and we expect to be attracted to them. If just one of these bits of data doesn’t add up in our minds it can throw us off completely.
Remember, chemistry is that elusive, intangible element of attraction. It doesn’t take much to tilt that picture of perfection off-balance.
There’s a very good reason why men don’t like women who appear desperate and it goes back to evolutionary psychology. Our ancestors were driven to find the best possible mate to reproduce with.
This mate would be the most attractive, smart, kind, caring, basically the top-notch prize of all the mates in the area. Men would fight for the chance to mate with this woman. Therefore, it goes without saying that she had to be a worthy prize at the end.
I mean, even nowadays we talk about going for gold, reaching for the stars, hitting the heights. Nobody bangs on about the glory of second place. And men have this canny inbuilt radar about desperate women. They can sense it like Spiderman and his tingly spider senses. More to the point, it causes them to back off and scurry away, never to be seen again.
If you were constantly texting, asking him to tell you where he is, what he’s doing, when can you see him again, and now he’s suddenly ignoring your texts, chalk this up to experience.
Next time you date, don’t be so demanding. Think of yourself as that glittering prize. The absolute cream of the crop. Don’t be so available, don’t always text back. In other words, have a life of your own.
This is hard. We all like to think that we have interesting lives, full of fun and excitement, the kind of lives others are envious of. Truth is, most of us lead pretty mundane lives. We go to work, we see our friends, we eat, we sleep and then we do it all over again.
But some men take their date’s lives quite seriously. For instance, he might notice that you live on your own and you don’t socialize much. You may own a few cats, or hamsters, or tropical fish. You might go to church or visit your parents religiously every Sunday.
Whatever it is that you do, and remember, there’s nothing wrong with any of it, it may not fit in with what he regards as an acceptable kind of life.
Think of it a little like this; you wouldn’t expect someone that loves bungee-jumping or sky-diving to date a quiet, introverted book-reader. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your life, it only means it’s not going to be compatible with his.
Ah chemistry, that wonderful elusive quality you can’t quite put your finger on. It’s like trying to catch a speck of dust falling in a beam of light. Chemistry is a wonderful thing. When you find it it’s truly amazing when it’s not there it’s like pulling teeth.
The chemistry between two people is elusive, unquantifiable, hard to describe, and, most of all, come along only rarely in our lifetimes. And the thing is, it can be something in your subconscious that attracts or repels you.
For example, I have a longstanding friendship with a guy, he’s been my best male friend for over 30 years. He’s kind, caring, good-looking, charming and if you ask him to help his stock answer to anyone is ‘Not a problem’.
He looks like a darker version of the US actor Cary Elwes (watch The Princess Bride, one of the greatest films ever made).
All my friends ask me, why don’t you date him? And I happen to know why it’s his smell. Don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t smell awful, but I just don’t like it.
Now, this smell is completely different from a previous partner of mine. I would lie in his arms, my head in the crook of his neck, and literally drink him in. His smell intoxicated me. So it could be something you don’t even realize.
Now there are two very obvious reasons a man suddenly starts ignoring your texts; one is that he’s busy, the other is that he’s a player. In his mind, he’ll justify not texting back by saying you were not exclusive or you were just hooking up.
In your mind, however, you believed you were in a relationship. He might have shown you all the signs of wanting something more than casual. He may have been full-on at the start of your dating experience. The problem is, this is what players do to hook you in.
He would have been on his best behavior to get you on a date and into bed. And the faster the better. Because once he’s bedded you he can move onto someone else.
Again, chalk this down to experience.
Now there’s something a little weird about a person who is always available, no matter what the day, the time, or the occasion. I mean, don’t you have your own life and commitments?
And if you’re the kind of gal that says yes to every date, that’s what your bloke is going to start thinking. You might think that you have to say yes in order to keep his interest up, or he might go off with another girl. So you say yes every time he suggests something.
But do you know what’s really sexy and intriguing to a man? A woman that is not immediately available. It goes back to being that top prize again. You have to make your fella work for you.
I view this the same way as training my dogs. My dogs have very basic needs. But I get them to work for everything. A treat? They must sit. A walk? Calm down first. Consequently, my dogs respect me.
Men are the same. Get them to work for the pleasure of your company. After all, if I gave my dogs treats every minute they’d come to expect it, and then not want it.
So, if you have a date with the girls every Friday night tell him. And more to the point, go out and have fun. If you’ve promised to help your little brother with his revision then go and help him.
I promise you, your potential date will see that a) you can be relied on, b) you stick to your commitments, and c) you have a life outside of him! I’ll tell you why this is particularly important. If your bloke sees that you don’t have much of a life it puts an awful lot of pressure on him to provide one for you.
On the contrary, if he sees you have good family connections and a circle of loyal friends this cements the fact you are a well-rounded person.
Women tend to see relationships in future mode, whereas guys see them more in the present. There’s nothing wrong with either view. In fact, it makes complete sense for women to look to the future if she’s thinking about children and potential father material.
After all, she’s the one that is usually going to be looking after any children for the next 18 years. Now men don’t have these problems. They can go around impregnating as many women as they like and walking away from the situation.
So their view of partners is much more short-sighted. What I’m trying to say is that it’s easy to get carried away with plans for the two of you. This is especially true when one person is thinking about where to eat next weekend and the other is looking through Bride and Groom magazines.
The first thing you have to do is cease texting. You can send one final text that says something like: ‘Gosh, I really hope you haven’t fallen down a cliff face and are trapped/are a covert CIA agent on a Black Ops mission/been kidnapped and your family can’t pay the ransom/in bed with man flu/or you’re just busy. Hope all’s ok, take care of yourself’ x
This way you’ve kind of signed off on the relationship yourself, your bloke will see you’ve got a sense of humor and you can both move on. It’s important to remember that if you are dating the right man things will be easy, not difficult. It will feel natural, make you happy and things will progress organically.
Remember what I said at the start of this article? That if a bloke ignores your texts it’s not about you? I want you to think about that before we move onto what to do when he’s suddenly ignoring your texts.
Instead of analyzing and going over and over in your mind the things you did or said or didn’t say, knowing that this sudden change in behavior is nothing to do with you is liberating. The point I’m trying to make is that if this is a good match between two people it shouldn’t be so difficult. Communication should flow, you should enhance each other’s lives.
There’s no better cure for lovesick blues than putting your energy into your own life. Focus on work, going out with friends, and visiting family. Finish that art project you started last year. Do the couch to 5K challenge or read that novel by your favorite author you’ve never had time to do.
You’ll find that by treating yourself as the gorgeous, special, incredible person that you are, you’ll attract better people into your life as a result.
If this guy is really into you he’s coming after you believe me. He’s not messing around with you by ignoring your texts. Why on earth would he? Why mess up the chance of a great relationship? It doesn’t make sense. So I can categorically tell you that if a man suddenly starts to ignore you he is most certainly not thinking about you or any potential relationship.
Who knows? Who cares? He’s not texting anymore, you did nothing wrong so you should move on. But how can I possibly know that you did nothing in this scenario?
Because if a man likes you he’ll want to spend time with you. He will want to talk to you. In fact, he will do anything to stay in touch with you.Men don’t play mind games. They are basic creatures. They are doers, not thinkers. And if they want something, they’ll go after it.
If you don’t want to give up on the relationship just yet you can do something about the amount of attention to give him. For example, by becoming illusive yourself, you’ll pique his interest again. It’s that old supply and demand theory. When a commodity is in short supply we all want it. When it’s plentiful, well, we’re not bothered. We want what’s rare, uncommon, and unique.
What might happen is that he’ll notice you’re not texting him anymore and he might reach out. But the good thing is that by making this decision you’ve sent your subconscious mind a message that he’s not that important to you anymore. So it’s a win-win situation.
Remember that guy I told you about at the start that I dated a while ago? Well, he suddenly ignored my texts so I stopped sending any. Then, about a year later I received a text from him which just said ‘Hi! Where have you been!?’ Not ‘how had I been, but where had I been’.
Now, after all this time, did I really want to get back with this guy? He had made me feel like crap for a while. But I did want to know why he had been ignoring my texts. Then I remembered, this moron had been ignoring my texts. So what did I do? Ignored him of course. Life’s too short for idiots, right ladies?