Does it feel like you hate your husband?
Are you looking for advice on how to stop feeling like this and get your marriage back on track?
If so, you first need to credit yourself for being so in check with your emotions. It’s difficult to admit this.
This guide will help you move forward from this situation.
However, before we go any further, it’s important you acknowledge this piece of advice.
Focus on what you can do to improve things, as well as what your spouse can do.
This mindset requires a lot of humility, but it’ll prove extremely helpful.
In my twenties, I always felt resentful towards my boyfriends for never providing the level of affection I was looking for. Needless to say, these relationships always ended pretty quickly.
It was the same pattern over and over - and it felt like this would never change.
Until, instead of focusing all the blame on them, I started to research how I could be a better partner.
This is when I learned about an important piece of male psychology, which has a huge impact on how men perceive their romantic partners.
When this primal way of thinking is triggered, it causes a man’s mind to flood with feelings of empowerment and purposefulness. Naturally, he begins to feel more affectionate to the woman who makes him feel this way.
Once I learned how to activate this powerful psychological trigger, my relationships became a lot more fulfilling (click here to learn more about how I did it).
I truly believe that learning how to release a man’s ‘Hero’s Instinct’ is one of the best things you can do to improve a relationship.
The guide below is packed with even more ideas.
Unfortunately, it is pretty much guaranteed that we will feel like we hate our husbands at some points in our marriage. It’s only natural because you are spending so much time with someone. Living with someone can be really tough anyway, then if you add on the pressure of being married to them, you can feel restricted and annoyed. This is understandably so. However, a lot of the time, the hate that you think you are experiencing is actually another emotion masking itself.
If you really hated your husband, you wouldn’t be here reading this, you would have left him behind already and moved on. I am not trying to belittle the way you feel, but it can be something else other than hate, even if you might think it feels the same. Many emotions make us feel similar to hate, but they are not hate.
I’ll ask you this, have you ever really and truly hated someone? If you haven’t, then I can tell you how it feels. You cannot put yourself around that person, not even for one minute more because you are afraid that you won’t be able to control your feelings of anger towards them. Hate is raw and dangerous emotion. I am quietly confident that unless you feel burning rage towards him and wish him ill, then you probably don’t actually hate him. This is good news because then all you need to do is figure out what emotion you are feeling towards him and why it is trying to mask itself as hate.
If after reading the above you still think that you really do hate our husband, we will deal with this fully later on in the article, but I want you to stay open-minded to what else I am going to speak about.
Now I’ve mentioned that hiding underneath the external hate is probably a deeper and less intense set of emotions, it’s time to figure out what they are. This requires you to be really honest and open with yourself, your emotions and your marriage.
What do you feel like you are missing out on in your marriage? What really angers you about your husband? The majority of the time, you will not hate the whole package, but parts of your husband will make you angry. You must identify what makes you loathe your husband before you can do anything to work on it. I’m going to give you a few examples of situations that would make you feel like you hate your husband.
For example, does it make you feel angry that your husband doesn’t pull his weight in your domestic life? Does he expect you to do all of the washing, cleaning and look after the kids? If this is a continuous behavior that your husband is showing, you will start to resent him. Over time, this constant resentment builds up and you think it turns into hatred.
Another example could be that your husband has done something to upset you, and you are hanging on to it. He might have taken a job away from your home town without discussing with you first or he might have bought a new car when finances or tight. Anything that he has done without discussing first with you might make you feel like it’s unfair and will anger you. Once again, if not worked through straight away, you can hang on to this anger and you think that it will have turned into hatred.
One of the most common reasons for you feeling you hate your husband is that you feel he is neglecting you. After the honeymoon phase of a marriage, intimacy, unfortunately, tends to die down or die off. If your intimacy doesn’t take a hit at all, then you’re the lucky ones. But, in the majority of marriages, it does take a hit, and this can prove very difficult for people to deal with. Perhaps you feel like your physical needs are not being met by your husband. You will feel frustrated with him. Then, over time, this frustration will build up and you will think it has turned into hatred.
After reading the examples above, is there anything in particular that you find difficult about your partner? Is there anything vital that is lacking in your relationship? If so, that is probably the reason that you feel like you hate your husband.
Essentially, if you are angry, frustrated or upset with your husband but you don’t deal with it at the time, it will get pushed down inside. Then, what was once a reasonable emotion in reaction to something will have boiled up and turned into hate. It might be really difficult to pinpoint what the actual problem is because it has been lost in the feelings of hate. Don’t rush yourself into trying to figure out what the problem is, take your time.
It might be helpful for you to re-trace your steps and trackback to when you were happy with each other. What happened and when did it all change? This will also tell you how long you have been feeling like you do.
If you find it difficult to work on things by yourself, you might find it useful to speak to someone about it. I would only recommend speaking with someone that you trust with your life or a professional therapist. You need to allow yourself to be as open and honest as possible when you are working through your emotions, so you can’t just go and have a quick chat about it with one of your girlfriends.
The feeling of disgust is a really horrible one, and it can actually make you feel physically repulsed by your partner. Of course, if they have done something wrong like cheated on you, then you have every right to feel this disgusted, but if they haven’t done anything else apart from be themselves, then it can feel really confusing as to why you feel this way.
The simple answer is that your husband will only really start to disgust you when you have felt irritated by him for a long time. You will feel disgusted if you have pent-up the anger you feel towards him inside of you. You will start to realize that over time, every little thing he does make you feel disgusted. The idiosyncrasies that once drew you to him and made you love him, even more, will be driving you insane.
You will realize that you also no longer want him to touch you or give you any kind of affection, even if what you are angry about is the fact you are not being physically intimate with each other anymore. If he tries to touch or kiss you, you might find yourself pulling away. If you don’t tackle this issue head-on and straight away, you might get to a point where he disgusts you so much that you can’t even speak to him or look at him anymore.
However, you can fix this. Don’t think that you will forever be angry at the way he eats or the fact that he is neurotic about the way his hair looks. You will learn to love these individual and quirky habits once again, but you need to move fast.
We are going to discuss later on how you can move forward when you feel like you hate your husband. However, first, we are going to tackle the feeling of disgust that you have for him. Even though the two things might lap over, they are still two separate things and can be dealt with differently.
Fixing the fact that your husband disgusts you is probably a much easier task because hating your husband is a much deeper-rooted issue. So, please take a look at the five steps below on how to deal with being disgusted by your spouse.
All couples find each other annoying, even those couples that seem so in love and happy. It’s a fact that if you spend enough time with someone, they are eventually going to grate on you. So, don’t feel like you are the only couple to ever have problems, and don’t feel guilty for being so irritated by your partner. What you are experiencing is completely normal, and if you don’t believe me, maybe ask your girlfriends how they feel about their partners, but make sure you can trust them to be honest.
If everything your husband does is making your blood boil, then it’s time to try and start focusing on what you still love about him. Of course, this can be extremely difficult, especially if you are nearly at the point where you can’t even look at him anymore. However, you need to focus on what you appreciate about him rather than what makes you feel repulsed by him.
Perhaps even though you hate the way he sits in front of the television every night, you know that he is a really amazing father to your children. Or, the fact that it really gets you going how negative he can be in a morning, but he will always support you. For every negative thing you think about your partner, I want you to match it with a positive one. All you are doing here is focusing on the positives, but it will make a huge difference to your minded towards him. Over time, you might realize that you are having fewer negative feelings towards him.
Time apart makes the heart grow stronger and also you might just really need a break! If you are feeling overwhelmed with the situation, it might be a good idea to remove yourself for a while. There is no need to make it obvious to your partner that you are avoiding them, but you can just say that you are going to the spa for the evening or that you are going across the country to visit your mom for the weekend. Whatever you need to say, say it. By removing yourself from the situation, it will benefit both of you.
While you are taking some time by yourself, it might be useful to then think about your spouse. Being apart from them might be able to let you look at them in a different light. It might allow you to look at everything from a different perspective. Ask yourself a few questions. Do you actually miss them when you are not with them? What are you struggling with?
You might actually just realize that you need to spend more time apart than you do together. If you are constantly with your spouse, it might benefit you to make a regular schedule for ‘me time’. You are still an independent person, and no one should spend all their time attached to someone else, it’s unhealthy. By the time you return to your spouse, hopefully, you will start to look at them in a different light.
Your close family and friends will always love you and want what is best for you. They are there to help you and advise you with your life, and any problems that you might occur on the road. So, if you think it might help you to speak to someone in real life about the issues you are having, confide in someone you trust.
This kind of situation is so common, so they might have actually been through what you are going through now, and they might be able to give you some added advice. They will also be there for you if things go wrong when you finally get the courage to speak to your husband about it. Confiding in people can always make you feel better, so if you have someone you can trust, I would highly recommend speaking to them about it – as they say, a problem shared is a problem halved
You might be daunted to speak with your partner about the fact that they irritate you. However, it might be a crucial step in making things better. You need to make sure that whenever you do choose to speak to them, you are feeling level headed. Do not speak to them when you are already annoyed with them, because it will probably come off that you are attacking them. Also, avoid speaking to them if you know they are particularly down or fragile.
You need to also make sure that you speak to them in a place that they feel most comfortable. They need to be able to express their thoughts and feelings just as much asyou do. You should go into the conversation as calmly as possible, and don’t make it one-sided. You could try and say something along the lines of, “I know that we are both a little irritate by each other so I think we should speak about it.” Always follow something negative up with the fact that you love them, or compliment them.
Avoid saying things that blame them or show the full force of your disgust towards them, such as, “You always do this, and I hate it.” This will only ever end with the conversation becoming an argument.
Hopefully, if you go around the conversation in the right way, your husband will react well, and he might even relate to what you are feeling. Therefore, the two of you can work together to create a more loving, relaxed and happy relationship.
Now we are going to discuss some ways in which you can move forward when you feel like you hate your husband. There can be some deep-rooted issues that will surface when you do this and so it’s probably not going to be a quick fix. It will take a lot more effort and work than just a quick chat, so you need to be aware of that.
So, let’s get going and take a look at the five steps below that will hopefully start to get your marriage and the way you feel about your husband back on track.
This is a point that people normally overlook. You might be tempted to put all of the blame on your husband – surely, he’s the reason that you feel this hatred towards him? This isn’t actually always true. You could not only be creating problems too, but you could be adding to them with a negative mindset or your hot and snappy reactions to anything he says to you.
Therefore, you need to look inwards and think about how you are adding the problem. Do this before you do anything else, especially before you speak to him. You can ask yourself questions that might explain the reason that you feel so much hatred at the moment. Has something happened in your work life that has angered you? Are you unhappy with yourself? Anything like this can add to the fact that you are channeling so much hatred towards your husband.
Once you have mentally noted down a few points that could be adding to the fact you are angry towards your husband, you need to remember them for when you confront him. It will help him to see that you are not blaming him only, and you have other reasons for feeling hate that isn’t to do with him.
This is probably the most difficult thing to do. It will be harder to do this than to confront him. However, this point is vital. You need to accept him for everything he is. You married a man that is not perfect, and as much as you would like him to be, he just isn’t. No one is. You need to accept that he is not going to act in the way that you want him to all the time. He is only human, and you have to come to terms with that.
It might be useful to think about the fact that you are also not perfect. If you can accept yourself, with your flaws, then why can’t you accept him with them too? Think about all the things that have made you feel hatred towards him in the past and leave them right there – in the past. You could say to yourself, “I accept him for who he is and whatever he has done is in the past. It is time to move forward.” By repeating this, it can help the words to actually go into your mind and you will realize that you are slowly accepting him and leaving his previous mistakes behind.
Obviously, if he has done something really awful like cheat on you, then it might be a lot harder to try and accept this, and I don’t expect you to. You should also not be accepting of his behavior if he is emotionally or physically abusive towards you.
It can be scary going to speak to your husband about the fact you feel like you hate him. However, the faster you have this talk, the faster you are to get right back on the path of a successful relationship. Before you speak to him, you might find it useful to do a mental preparation of what you want to say to him. If you would find it easier, you can also jot some notes down – just make sure that you don’t read off them like you’re in a business meeting when you do speak to him.
Make sure that you choose the right time to speak to him. If you have just argued, this is not a good time because anger levels are high from both of you. Don’t speak about it when you’re in bed together, this creates negative energy in what should be a safe and cozy space. The best idea is to actually try and arrange a time with him that suits the two of you so you can have a proper talk. This is also extremely useful if both of your lives are very busy.
Choose to have the conversation in a neutral space, for example in the living room or garden. Both of you need to feel safe and secure in the space. Before you start the conversation, you can simply ask him if he’s happy to speak where you are, if not, then you can always both decide on somewhere to have the chat.
It might be a good idea to start the conversation with some positive words. You can tell them how much you love them, appreciate them and your marriage. Then, you can start to express your feelings. It might be easier for you to get your words out if you ask your husband kindly to not talk yet, but just to listen. Make sure it is not coming across like you are blaming him because then he will feel like he’s being attacked and go on the defense.
Once you have finished speaking your feelings, you can open everything up to your husband. From there, you should be able to have a mature and honest conversation. You might even come to realize that your husband shares in your negative thoughts.
Hopefully, after your talk, both of you still want to stay in the marriage and work on it. Marriage therapy can be a great idea for the two of you, so you can suggest it. You will both be able to work through any problems you have with the other, whilst a mediator is sat there to ensure the conversation stays calm. The therapist will show you how to work through it together and start appreciating each other more. If it’s beneficial, both of you could also try and see a therapist independently, so you can talk about your own emotions without your partner hearing them.
Whilst you are working on your marriage, you need to keep making a conscious effort to love more. Even if your husband is irritating you, try to love him and show him affection. You can try taking it all back to the first stages of your relationship. Indulge yourselves in dates, go on weekends away and have sex more.
This will all help to get your marriage back on track because it spices everything up and makes you fall in love with the person all over again. You will start to notice that you want to make love to him, and you aren’t even wanting to do it to get your marriage back on track, you are just doing it because you love him, and you want to.
Love begets further love. Affection begets further affection.
Unfortunately, I think you already know the answer here. If you really can’t move forward with your husband and you really hate him, then it might be time to give up. You can attempt to use all the steps I have mentioned above, but sometimes it is best to let it go if it’s not getting any better. If this is true for you, I am so sorry and know how hard this is.
The first and best thing to do here is to get some professional help. It could be a therapist or even a religious leader, either way, get someone who knows their stuff. While seeking help, you need to be real with yourself, understand and accept your part, but do not blame yourself for his actions. In the case that he gets violent, do not think twice, pack up and leave.
Start by picking your battles, do not pop off at every turn, it does you no favors. Also, learn to handle your emotions, it’ll make the whole situation a lot more bearable. At the end of it all, if you find a way to put a positive spin on just about anything, you’ll go a long way.
Love is built over time, you develop it and you wake up every day hoping that they will be alive and well too. When it comes to liking someone, it's very easy to fall out of that. They may be exhibiting traits that you cannot stand, and that accounts for why you do not like them.
This can happen faster than you can say, Jack Robinson. By now, you must have heard the saying, ‘there’s a thin line between love and hate’. That statement couldn’t be any truer. When someone you love hurts you deeply over and over, it could end in a ‘love turned hate’ situation.
There’s no black and white in this situation, just a whole bunch of gray areas. On one hand, you deserve to be happy, so do not stay where you are obviously not wanted. On the other hand, if you have children or dependents that could very well suffer from the backlash, you might have to bide your time.
I really hope that this article will have helped you figure out why you feel like you hate your husband and how you can move forward with life and your relationship if you do.
Did this article help you at all? If it did and you liked what you read, please let us know in the comments. We would love to hear from you.