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Husband Looks At Other Women Online (Should I Be Worried?)

by Sonya Schwartz

It’s that sneaky behaviour you’ve just started noticing. You enter the room and your husband quickly shuts the laptop down. Or he’s constantly on his phone in another room.

Of course, it could all be innocent, but what if you suspect your husband is looking at ladies online? Should you be worried or is it just boys being boys?

Do you confront him outright? What does it mean if he’s looking at other women online? Is he bored with you and thinking of having an affair? Are you not good enough for him any more? Or is it simply no big deal, it's human nature and doesn’t mean the marriage is ending?

Before we discuss whether you should be worried about your significant other and what to do about it, let’s examine the reasons why men look at other women online.

1.  What Does It Mean When Your Husband Looks At Other Women?

It Gives Him Pleasure

When guys look at other women it can feel like a betrayal. There are lots of reasons for a husband looking at females, but the biggest one is simple – they get pleasure from it. Now, there are also lots of different ways you can view females on the internet.

There are the obvious porn sites where a man can watch sex acts. There are also chatrooms where guys can converse with females. In addition, there are social media like Facebook.

So you need to see what kind of woman he is looking at and the extent of his interactions.

He’s Looking At Explicit Pictures

If he’s looking at nude or provocative images let’s call it what it is – porn. So, if he’s looking at porn he’s obviously using this as masturbation material. The fact is that the vast majority of us masturbate and guys, in particular, need visual stimulus to get aroused.

If this is what he’s doing it’s perfectly natural, but does it bother you? Do you feel as if you are not good enough because if you were he wouldn’t need to look at porn?

If that’s the case try talking to your husband and asking why he needs additional outlets for his sex drive. It might look like he has a porn addiction to you but it is not necessarily the case.

He Spends A Lot Of Time In Chatrooms

Some people spend their life on the internet. I’ve got friends that will happily invite me over for a coffee to chat, then they’ll spend the next two hours on their phone. I’m right there in front of them but they are checking emails, answering texts and calls.

I don’t understand it.

So this could just be something that your husband does. He does all of his social interacting on the internet. However, it’s the tone of the conversations you need to pay attention to.

Is he overly flirtatious? Does he ever suggest meeting in the real world? Does he send and receive nude and explicit photographs?

That’s when you should worry.

If it’s just normal banter amongst friends and acquaintances you needn’t worry. This goes for social media too. If your husband is constantly looking through Facebook or Instagram, check to see whether he knows them and it is just everyday social contact.

Now, if your husband is simply skimming through the internet searching for sexy pictures to ogle, he may purely like the shape of the female body.

And let’s face it, he, like most other guys, are programmed to like the female body. Otherwise, we’d never procreate.

You have to decide whether this searching is fairly innocent and taps into his biological need, or if he’s becoming obsessive.

Remember, a man can’t help noticing beautiful and sexy ladies; it’s in their nature. Just like we can’t help but notice a handsome man in a film or TV show. It’s a natural and healthy reaction to the opposite sex.

Males Are Attracted To The Visual, Females To The Familiar

Studies show that males and females are biologically wired differently when it comes to sex and arousal. Not only do men have this primal reaction to visual stimuli, but they also attracted to novelty and new sights.

On the other hand, females prefer the familiar; they are attracted over time. They need to get to know someone. And this plays into our evolutionary background.

It was crucial for our male ancestors to impregnate as many women as they could to ensure the survival of their genes. Therefore it was in a man’s best interest to be attracted to many women, instantly, and to new and different body types and looks.

However, women could not do the same. If they got pregnant it was in their best interest to have found a good father figure to their child. Preferably one who would stay around and help raise it.

Instant attraction and multiple sex partners didn’t work for women. Actually, women would have a better chance of finding a good father for their kids if they spent time and got to know them first. Then they could make an informed decision about whether to have sex or not.

So a man is hardwired to search for attractive females; it’s a natural instinct. The fact he is my husband and in love and has every intention of being faithful is meaningless when compared to this biological impulse.

And there are even more differences between men and women.

Men don’t have to have an emotional connection with a woman in order to feel aroused. When men see a sexy woman they react instantly and instinctively.

Their brains are flooded with hormones and chemicals that give them a pleasurable feeling. It’s this instinct that overrides their feelings for their partner.

Men will have an immediate physical response to sexy images way before their moral code has a chance to kick in. Their brains are already in arousal mode before the slower decision-making part can react.

I’m saying that men can’t help but feel this primitive reaction. Of course, they can help what they do with these feelings. So there are two things to be worried about:

  1. He doesn’t care how you feel about his viewing women
  2. He looks as if he’s taking this viewing one step further

No caring husband wants to cause his wife hurt or distress. So if everything is perfectly legit and he’s just using these images of women like a little light porn to get him aroused, don’t beat him up about it.

Just because he’s looking doesn’t mean he’s looking for them offline too.

So, how do you know if your husband is simply viewing females as an innocent sexual release or there’s more to it?

2.  How Do You Know If Your Husband Is In Love With Another Woman?

2.  How Do You Know If Your Husband Is In Love With Another Woman?

It’s one thing to admit 'my boyfriend looks at other girls', or that 'my husband looks at other females on Facebook' but it’s quite another for these men to engage with them. So, is your husband in actual contact with any of these women? And by contact I mean ‘liking’ or commenting on their pictures, chatting to them or exchanging phone numbers?

It’s that you can look but don’t touch kind of advice. Looking can be innocent but when a man begins to chat, send texts, meet up, or Facetime this can lead to problems.

Indeed, some men do have a lot of female friends and we all tend to keep in touch via the internet. But is this so-called friend is being kept a secret? Does your husband mind you listening in on the conversations he has with her?

Is he happy for you to view his text messages? His call logs? His internet history? If he is, I would suggest you have little to worry about.

It’s when the behaviour becomes secretive or obsessive there could be a problem. Does he make inappropriate comments to her? Is he always on the internet these days, preferring to spend time on his phone rather than with you?

These signs could be an indication that he is falling in love with another woman. Or that he’s about to cheat on you. So what can you do about it?

3.  How Can I Make My Husband Love Me Again?

Has the honeymoon period ended and those first intense bursts of passion changed into something else? When we first fall in love our brains emit these powerful hormones that help to bond us.

For men, these hormones can help to stop their biological instincts to procreate with as many other different women as possible.

It is during this early falling-in-love process that we become infatuated with one another. We might ignore our partner’s blatant and irritating habits as we tend to idolise them in our mind’s eye. And for a while, all is well.

Then after a few years, we become more comfortable with each other. We stop putting on our best behaviour and we act more naturally. We let our bad habits show. We might not even have much time to spend with our partners due to the arrival of children.

As such, men can feel neglected and this is when that hardwiring kicks in again.

So how can you make your husband fall in love with you after the initial passion has worn off? Don't worry, there is more than one way.

Be Honest With Each Other

Communication is key here. Being able to tell your husband honestly how you feel about his wandering eye and listening to his responses.

However, it’s equally important to talk through your feeling without attributing blame or making someone feel ashamed because of what they are doing.

Show empathy and understanding by opening up about how you feel vulnerable and unloved is a better way forward than pointing the finger at someone.

Be Realistic

Men are going to masturbate, it’s a fact. And whether you like it or not, they are going to want to look at something sexy while they do it.

You can accept this as part of a normal sex life (which it is) or you can act like Mary Poppins and have a coronary. You can, however, ask him to be honest and upfront about his internet viewing.

And while you’re at it, why not set some realistic and healthy boundaries together?

For example, it would be perfectly reasonable to agree that he doesn’t look too much or interact with the women he is viewing.

It can be shocking to discover your husband is looking at other women online, but it doesn’t have to be a disaster.

If both parties are willing to talk and respect one another’s feelings you should be able to work it out.

Sonya Schwartz
A hopeless romantic that struggled for many years to find her Mr "Right" and made all the mistakes you could think of while dating. Known for always choosing the wrong guys or messing up relationships, Sonya was finally able to change her approach and mindset when it came to dating which helped her eventually find the man of her dreams and become happily married. You can read more about me here...

11 comments on “Husband Looks At Other Women Online (Should I Be Worried?)”

  1. My husband has always accused me of cheating. I never did. Over a year later, of me moving in and out of the home, I found out he was looking at females on pinterest. This really hurt me. I told him how I felt, his reaction was that I was real life and they were not, but it still hurt me. I know he has cheated on his exs before and produced children. What stops him from doing me the same way? He does not feel like it is the same. I met someone who was interested in me, to the extent of moving out. I changed my mind because I do love my husband, no matter what emotional abuse he has done, which did get better, now starting all over again, he isnt as bad as before, I just want your opinion on what you think about all of this, we are not children, I'm 47 and he is 59. He has 7 kids by 3 different women, and married to none of them, I have 2 from previous marriages. You can see what i am thinking, that he doesn't see me as sexy etc as the pictures he downloads. It hurts me. Please help

  2. I used to feel this way- it’s no big deal as long as it’s not too personal. My husband, however has taken it too far in the past. Webcam sites (looking at/talking to/interacting with porn ladies), fake dating/Snapchat/Facebook accounts (to hide it from me), inappropriate messaging with girls, and a full blown affair in our first few months of marriage. Our sex life is gone & now he says he doesn’t look at porn anymore- but with our sex life as limited as it was before, I knew he found another porn substitute. He has recently disclosed (after a lot of questioning & denying it at first) that he looked at a girl to meet his needs. Claims it was only once but I feel like our intimacy would have improved if that’s the case & I feel strongly he told me about only one of the “safer” options in his mind. He doesn’t get that it hurts me that he needs to look at other women & cant/won’t have sex with me. I wish I could be comfortable with it just being pictures- or here & there viewing- but it seems he only knows how to take things too far & it’s difficult for me to be flexible on the topic. I wish there was a way to change what he’s done & how he’s done it & be able to trust him at least a little.

  3. society needs to stop pushing forward the idea that men in a relationship are not just excused, but expected to need to look at other naked women or watch porn.

    In puberty boys and girls are curious and developing sexuality.
    But then,
    We grow up!

    As grown ass men, You know what girl parts are. You no longer need to answer curiosity.
    You are in a relationship and...you got your girl!

    "Men are visual", what does that even mean? Husband comes home from work and sits at the screen scrolling channels of hot boobie pictures. Then watches movie later with the kids. He didnt "need" to watch it, he obviously survived not jacking off. He only did it because hes addicted to it, he is driven by wanting to see sexual imagery.
    Addicted doesnt have to be daily or weekly or monthly. Its not a matter of how often, as much as , he is engaging in an activity for no purpose other than to view sexual content of other women.
    Would he go and watch through a house window at a random woman changing. No? Because its illegal? Creepy?
    What if she saw you walk by and opened the drapes and smiled-total permission.
    Would he go watch?
    Is that unfaithful?
    Is that unhealthy behavior for a married man?
    Isnt it "just looking" "men are visual"-
    It is wrong!
    But he'd go with the guys to a strip club?
    That is no different than going to the strangers window!

    Which brings in the next point,
    Photos, strip clubs and porn have a distance factor- as well as billions of dollar industries pushing society to view it as normal/healthy/innocent.
    So much so, that girls are sharing nude photos online average agevof puberty because they have already been conditioned thats what guys want/need, and society is telling them its okay. Guys are visual. And boys are growing up at age of puberty onset,already fully engaged in porn,and disrespecting girls.
    Have you all missed the tragic crisis of girls suicides due to poor body image,hurt, pressure,ect.

    Women see a guy and know if he's good-looking,(men can also tell if the guys goodlooking)
    They can both see a woman walking down the street and know she's good-looking.
    They can both see a nice car and visually see its a hot car.
    But, that is not sexual!
    "Men are visual"....we all are!
    But its a choice who youre visual with sexually, and if you're in a relationship,it shouldn't be with any other woman.

    If you are looking at other women naked-that is sexual, and that is not sexual with your partner-not faithful!

    Many men show each other nude pics, "hey check this out"..at work,coffee,wherever. They aren't about to jack off at work,golf,wherever, so noooo it is not some biological necessity!
    It is immaturity, disrespectful behavior.
    That is a choice!
    Try responding "hey man,nawwww dont want to see that ...I'm married to my gal".
    Remember you first hooked up with her thought she was awesome.
    Ohhh, but now we've touched on "being one of the guys" dont want to say you dont want to look at T&A..whatll they think you are...which brings us back to how boys are programmed about sex.
    But youre men now, full grown men!
    Grow up!
    And, i have had so many clients on the verge of divorce, the guy is amazed at how hurt the woman has been about pics/vids/crass joking, the husband "but she said its cool,she jokes too", "she loves watching it with me"...
    Yet delving into it,she has low self esteem,or has been "conditioned"its normal because it will make him happy, and most clients ,the woman has been sexually assaulted/raped. Thus why you end up with a gf or wife who... can't stand how she looks. Shes insecure. Men say confident women are sexy,you like it if shes confident in bed,not insecure,pitifully whiny,picking herself apart,just lies there,hides.
    Why would you want to make her feel ugly by your actions, thats the result of the hurt.

    Some women genuinely say they are into it, well,that usually boils down to sexual assault,trauma,or trauma thats conditioned her to "make it exciting" as Ive stated- but it can be the other end of the spectrum, your gal might be right into porn and a real hellcat in bed,awesome!
    Except in therapy sessions when theyre ready to break up or divorce- he had no idea,she didnt even realize!
    It was past trauma that caused her "to be as great as the porns".
    It is so programmed that until counselling she didnt even realize! Shes playing a role to have/keep love.
    That is how programmed girls are about the "only thing important to men".
    Why wouldnt you want to avoid all that damage to a woman you say you love.

    Should wife or gf have a gorgeous woman standing in the kitchen naked beside her for when the husband gets home, hell no!
    So, wheres the difference? He's visual after all,or so you've excused it with.

    Oh, just appreciating womens beauty....b.s.
    Or, no different than seeing a nice car....b.s.
    A car is not sexual.
    Sexual is what you promised to be faithful about in marriage!
    Oh i promise i wont screw anyone, ill just oggle them and jack off thinking of them.
    That is not faithfulness!

    In the 1800s prior to cameras, men were not looking at naked women who were not their wives.
    So, no, it is not "because they are visual!"
    Yes, some men cheated. Some men went to prostitutes.
    Overall though, men were not sex driven "needed" doses of seeing random naked women.
    It was not everywhere they turned.

    Society has created a pornography driven society, the internet has made this even worse.
    Girls are conditioned from puberty onwards that sex,how you look,is the number one thing that matters to men.
    Men are excused,justified,and even told from boyhood, "they're men,its what men do".
    No, it is what immature disrespectful guys do.
    Unfortunately, even guys who are "nice" guys have become conditioned that this is okay.

    Even colleagues of mine, many, tell clients that it doesnt mean anything personal "men are visual"
    This infuriates me!
    12 year old girls worldwide are paying the high price of what society is teaching, even pushing! As women, they only know and feel what has been programmed into them.
    Its harming the boys too,as they dont have a healthy view of sex and relationships.

    1. This comment is the most wonderful thing I have ever read on the internet!! Yay for you! Never agreed with anything more in my whole life. Thank you!

    2. I am a man and I am also a porn addict. I am trying my best to end this addiction and from past couple of days, I am porn free. I just want to say that this is the most accurate and fantastic comment I have ever read on the internet. I am also disgusted by the fact that both girls and boys are being programmed that way in current society. I also feel guilt and shame knowing the fact that I was once a part of same society. I just want to say thanks to you. I will never ever watch porn and never ever be a part of any work that would portray women as sex objects to men.

    3. Hit the nail on the head. My husband says he understands why I get upset but I know he doesn't..or doesn't care enough. He thinks I believe he no longer watches porn but he doesn't realise I can see when he's deleted his browser history. I make sure to be one step ahead but I'm not sure where it's getting me. An insecure paranoid mess is where I'm slowly headed, but what can I do? We've nearly broke up over this (and slightly worse) about 3 times over 10 years. Don't really know if I should do anything about it or just accept he likes to watch it.

    4. Absolutely, thank you!! My husband and I recently got married. I was a virgin to him but he had been with 3 others, that’s been a struggle for me to understand and accept his past. With that being said, his is the only person that has seen/touched my body, so out of respect for me, our relationship, and the correct way to live we do not watch movies or tv shows with nudity (male or female), we look at the parents guide before watching... many coworkers and his buddies have voiced their opinion about how immature and stupid that is. My husband is more than happy with me, he has so much love and respect for me and body. He is not attracted to anyone but me. He tells me there’s absolutely no one better and he is the luckiest man to have me. I truly believe that... all his actions show it. He doesn’t need look at anything to masturbate because we have sex with each other.. the real deal not visual deal. He doesn’t need anyone else’s pictures he can see my body any time. So no to this article.. a truly committed spouse will not need to look at anything or anyone else.. they will not lust over anyone but their partner. They will get all they need from their partner, that’s why they choose to be with that person. Sexual Lusting over anyone but your partner is cheating.

  4. I have a unique situation. I’ve been married to my husband for 39 years, and once the internet became an outlet for porn and such, it became a regular part of my husband’s life. I never minded him searching and looking at porn very much, and I’d even point out good looking women to him because I blindly trusted he’d never go beyond just looking (and masturbating) to porn. I was a little uncomfortable with it but never wanted to be that nagging wife, so I played the part of “the cool wife” and let him keep doing that creepy shit.

    Then 2 years ago I found out he had been texting with an ex-booty call of his from before we were married. The texting only lasted a few months but they were intimate messages that destroyed me. I’m here to say that emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating. I confronted him and I sent her a text telling her to never contact him again, and nothing went any further between them (we live in a different state than her), and the texting had already stopped several months before I found out. Husband said it was just to get some attention and wished he’d never responded to her to begin with. Deep down I believe that, bu now all of a sudden I’m this suspicious, nagging person, and ANY sort of comment about another woman (even someone on TV!) or any site I see he’s been on looking at other women, and I fall apart. I’ve told him how I feel and that I’m a different person now, but he continues to search online to look at other women. He just can’t stop, even though my behavior and emotional changes are his fault. And he’s promised several times that he won’t do it anymore.

    I’m ready to walk away from 39 years of marriage because of it.

    Thoughts from this community?

    1. He deserve you. He doesn’t honor what y’all have together. All of his lust for women and attention should go directly to you. Now that he has really hurt you I believe that hurt, lack of trust, and worrying will always continue. The fact he won’t listen to how you feel about what he has done to hurt you or even stop what he is doing is awful. You deserve respect. He obviously doesn’t care to change and if he ever decides to stop one day it’ll be too late for all the hurt you’ve had to experience and live with. I wish y’all the best. I am sure you are a wonderful and beautiful wife, don’t let him make you think any different. ❤️

  5. Everything In the article makes perfect sense however, the hurt and not being able to trust will never go away. I’ve been married for 27 years and the porn watching started when my daughter was born, as far as I know. He says he has not cheated - just goes on Facebook to look. He says he stopped watching porn because after much discussion it seems he was unable to be aroused after watching it for so many years. I have been ready to leave him many times. Have too many other responsibilities to walk away now.

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