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Husband Looks At Other Women Online (Should I Be Worried?)

Last updated on July 30, 2022 by Sonya Schwartz

It’s that sneaky behaviour you’ve just started noticing. You enter the room and your husband quickly shuts the laptop down. Or he’s constantly on his phone in another room.

Of course, it could all be innocent, but what if you suspect your husband is looking at ladies online? Should you be worried or is it just boys being boys?

Do you confront him outright? What does it mean if he’s looking at other women online? Is he bored with you and thinking of having an affair? Are you not good enough for him any more? Or is it simply no big deal, it's human nature and doesn’t mean the marriage is ending?

Before we discuss whether you should be worried about your significant other and what to do about it, let’s examine the reasons why men look at other women online.

1.  What Does It Mean When Your Husband Looks At Other Women?

It Gives Him Pleasure

When guys look at other women it can feel like a betrayal. There are lots of reasons for a husband looking at females, but the biggest one is simple – they get pleasure from it. Now, there are also lots of different ways you can view females on the internet.

There are the obvious porn sites where a man can watch sex acts. There are also chatrooms where guys can converse with females. In addition, there are social media like Facebook.

So you need to see what kind of woman he is looking at and the extent of his interactions.

He’s Looking At Explicit Pictures

If he’s looking at nude or provocative images let’s call it what it is – porn. So, if he’s looking at porn he’s obviously using this as masturbation material. The fact is that the vast majority of us masturbate and guys, in particular, need visual stimulus to get aroused.

If this is what he’s doing it’s perfectly natural, but does it bother you? Do you feel as if you are not good enough because if you were he wouldn’t need to look at porn?

If that’s the case try talking to your husband and asking why he needs additional outlets for his sex drive. It might look like he has a porn addiction to you but it is not necessarily the case.

He Spends A Lot Of Time In Chatrooms

Some people spend their life on the internet. I’ve got friends that will happily invite me over for a coffee to chat, then they’ll spend the next two hours on their phone. I’m right there in front of them but they are checking emails, answering texts and calls.

I don’t understand it.

So this could just be something that your husband does. He does all of his social interacting on the internet. However, it’s the tone of the conversations you need to pay attention to.

Is he overly flirtatious? Does he ever suggest meeting in the real world? Does he send and receive nude and explicit photographs?

That’s when you should worry.

If it’s just normal banter amongst friends and acquaintances you needn’t worry. This goes for social media too. If your husband is constantly looking through Facebook or Instagram, check to see whether he knows them and it is just everyday social contact.

Now, if your husband is simply skimming through the internet searching for sexy pictures to ogle, he may purely like the shape of the female body.

And let’s face it, he, like most other guys, are programmed to like the female body. Otherwise, we’d never procreate.

You have to decide whether this searching is fairly innocent and taps into his biological need, or if he’s becoming obsessive.

Remember, a man can’t help noticing beautiful and sexy ladies; it’s in their nature. Just like we can’t help but notice a handsome man in a film or TV show. It’s a natural and healthy reaction to the opposite sex.

Males Are Attracted To The Visual, Females To The Familiar

Studies show that males and females are biologically wired differently when it comes to sex and arousal. Not only do men have this primal reaction to visual stimuli, but they also attracted to novelty and new sights.

On the other hand, females prefer the familiar; they are attracted over time. They need to get to know someone. And this plays into our evolutionary background.

It was crucial for our male ancestors to impregnate as many women as they could to ensure the survival of their genes. Therefore it was in a man’s best interest to be attracted to many women, instantly, and to new and different body types and looks.

However, women could not do the same. If they got pregnant it was in their best interest to have found a good father figure to their child. Preferably one who would stay around and help raise it.

Is it like pulling teeth getting him to spend time with you?
The key to solving is understanding men on a much deeper emotional level. The number #1 factor that causes men to behave this way is actually relatively easy to change with a few subtle things you can say to him.

Take this quick quiz to see if he actually likes you!

Instant attraction and multiple sex partners didn’t work for women. Actually, women would have a better chance of finding a good father for their kids if they spent time and got to know them first. Then they could make an informed decision about whether to have sex or not.

So a man is hardwired to search for attractive females; it’s a natural instinct. The fact he is my husband and in love and has every intention of being faithful is meaningless when compared to this biological impulse.

And there are even more differences between men and women.

Men don’t have to have an emotional connection with a woman in order to feel aroused. When men see a sexy woman they react instantly and instinctively.

Their brains are flooded with hormones and chemicals that give them a pleasurable feeling. It’s this instinct that overrides their feelings for their partner.

Men will have an immediate physical response to sexy images way before their moral code has a chance to kick in. Their brains are already in arousal mode before the slower decision-making part can react.

I’m saying that men can’t help but feel this primitive reaction. Of course, they can help what they do with these feelings. So there are two things to be worried about:

  1. He doesn’t care how you feel about his viewing women
  2. He looks as if he’s taking this viewing one step further

No caring husband wants to cause his wife hurt or distress. So if everything is perfectly legit and he’s just using these images of women like a little light porn to get him aroused, don’t beat him up about it.

Just because he’s looking doesn’t mean he’s looking for them offline too.

So, how do you know if your husband is simply viewing females as an innocent sexual release or there’s more to it?

2.  How Do You Know If Your Husband Is In Love With Another Woman?

2.  How Do You Know If Your Husband Is In Love With Another Woman?

It’s one thing to admit 'my boyfriend looks at other girls', or that 'my husband looks at other females on Facebook' but it’s quite another for these men to engage with them. So, is your husband in actual contact with any of these women? And by contact I mean ‘liking’ or commenting on their pictures, chatting to them or exchanging phone numbers?

It’s that you can look but don’t touch kind of advice. Looking can be innocent but when a man begins to chat, send texts, meet up, or Facetime this can lead to problems.

Indeed, some men do have a lot of female friends and we all tend to keep in touch via the internet. But is this so-called friend is being kept a secret? Does your husband mind you listening in on the conversations he has with her?

Is he happy for you to view his text messages? His call logs? His internet history? If he is, I would suggest you have little to worry about.

It’s when the behaviour becomes secretive or obsessive there could be a problem. Does he make inappropriate comments to her? Is he always on the internet these days, preferring to spend time on his phone rather than with you?

These signs could be an indication that he is falling in love with another woman. Or that he’s about to cheat on you. So what can you do about it?

3.  How Can I Make My Husband Love Me Again?

Has the honeymoon period ended and those first intense bursts of passion changed into something else? When we first fall in love our brains emit these powerful hormones that help to bond us.

For men, these hormones can help to stop their biological instincts to procreate with as many other different women as possible.

It is during this early falling-in-love process that we become infatuated with one another. We might ignore our partner’s blatant and irritating habits as we tend to idolise them in our mind’s eye. And for a while, all is well.

Then after a few years, we become more comfortable with each other. We stop putting on our best behaviour and we act more naturally. We let our bad habits show. We might not even have much time to spend with our partners due to the arrival of children.

As such, men can feel neglected and this is when that hardwiring kicks in again.

So how can you make your husband fall in love with you after the initial passion has worn off? Don't worry, there is more than one way.

Be Honest With Each Other

Communication is key here. Being able to tell your husband honestly how you feel about his wandering eye and listening to his responses.

However, it’s equally important to talk through your feeling without attributing blame or making someone feel ashamed because of what they are doing.

Show empathy and understanding by opening up about how you feel vulnerable and unloved is a better way forward than pointing the finger at someone.

Be Realistic

Men are going to masturbate, it’s a fact. And whether you like it or not, they are going to want to look at something sexy while they do it.

You can accept this as part of a normal sex life (which it is) or you can act like Mary Poppins and have a coronary. You can, however, ask him to be honest and upfront about his internet viewing.

And while you’re at it, why not set some realistic and healthy boundaries together?

For example, it would be perfectly reasonable to agree that he doesn’t look too much or interact with the women he is viewing.

It can be shocking to discover your husband is looking at other women online, but it doesn’t have to be a disaster.

If both parties are willing to talk and respect one another’s feelings you should be able to work it out.

Do you feel like all you think about is him, but he only thinks about himself?
This doesn't mean he doesn't like you. You have to understand how he is wired. Once you do, you'll find there is a subtle thing you can say that to him that will drastically change how he shows his emotions towards you.

Take this quick quiz that looks at whether he actually likes you or not!

Sonya Schwartz
A hopeless romantic that struggled for many years to find her Mr "Right" and made all the mistakes you could think of while dating. Known for always choosing the wrong guys or messing up relationships, Sonya was finally able to change her approach and mindset when it came to dating which helped her eventually find the man of her dreams and become happily married. You can read more about me here...

65 comments on “Husband Looks At Other Women Online (Should I Be Worried?)”

  1. My husband has always accused me of cheating. I never did. Over a year later, of me moving in and out of the home, I found out he was looking at females on pinterest. This really hurt me. I told him how I felt, his reaction was that I was real life and they were not, but it still hurt me. I know he has cheated on his exs before and produced children. What stops him from doing me the same way? He does not feel like it is the same. I met someone who was interested in me, to the extent of moving out. I changed my mind because I do love my husband, no matter what emotional abuse he has done, which did get better, now starting all over again, he isnt as bad as before, I just want your opinion on what you think about all of this, we are not children, I'm 47 and he is 59. He has 7 kids by 3 different women, and married to none of them, I have 2 from previous marriages. You can see what i am thinking, that he doesn't see me as sexy etc as the pictures he downloads. It hurts me. Please help

  2. I used to feel this way- it’s no big deal as long as it’s not too personal. My husband, however has taken it too far in the past. Webcam sites (looking at/talking to/interacting with porn ladies), fake dating/Snapchat/Facebook accounts (to hide it from me), inappropriate messaging with girls, and a full blown affair in our first few months of marriage. Our sex life is gone & now he says he doesn’t look at porn anymore- but with our sex life as limited as it was before, I knew he found another porn substitute. He has recently disclosed (after a lot of questioning & denying it at first) that he looked at a girl to meet his needs. Claims it was only once but I feel like our intimacy would have improved if that’s the case & I feel strongly he told me about only one of the “safer” options in his mind. He doesn’t get that it hurts me that he needs to look at other women & cant/won’t have sex with me. I wish I could be comfortable with it just being pictures- or here & there viewing- but it seems he only knows how to take things too far & it’s difficult for me to be flexible on the topic. I wish there was a way to change what he’s done & how he’s done it & be able to trust him at least a little.

  3. society needs to stop pushing forward the idea that men in a relationship are not just excused, but expected to need to look at other naked women or watch porn.

    In puberty boys and girls are curious and developing sexuality.
    But then,
    We grow up!

    As grown ass men, You know what girl parts are. You no longer need to answer curiosity.
    You are in a relationship and...you got your girl!

    "Men are visual", what does that even mean? Husband comes home from work and sits at the screen scrolling channels of hot boobie pictures. Then watches movie later with the kids. He didnt "need" to watch it, he obviously survived not jacking off. He only did it because hes addicted to it, he is driven by wanting to see sexual imagery.
    Addicted doesnt have to be daily or weekly or monthly. Its not a matter of how often, as much as , he is engaging in an activity for no purpose other than to view sexual content of other women.
    Would he go and watch through a house window at a random woman changing. No? Because its illegal? Creepy?
    What if she saw you walk by and opened the drapes and smiled-total permission.
    Would he go watch?
    Is that unfaithful?
    Is that unhealthy behavior for a married man?
    Isnt it "just looking" "men are visual"-
    It is wrong!
    But he'd go with the guys to a strip club?
    That is no different than going to the strangers window!

    Which brings in the next point,
    Photos, strip clubs and porn have a distance factor- as well as billions of dollar industries pushing society to view it as normal/healthy/innocent.
    So much so, that girls are sharing nude photos online average agevof puberty because they have already been conditioned thats what guys want/need, and society is telling them its okay. Guys are visual. And boys are growing up at age of puberty onset,already fully engaged in porn,and disrespecting girls.
    Have you all missed the tragic crisis of girls suicides due to poor body image,hurt, pressure,ect.

    Women see a guy and know if he's good-looking,(men can also tell if the guys goodlooking)
    They can both see a woman walking down the street and know she's good-looking.
    They can both see a nice car and visually see its a hot car.
    But, that is not sexual!
    "Men are visual"....we all are!
    But its a choice who youre visual with sexually, and if you're in a relationship,it shouldn't be with any other woman.

    If you are looking at other women naked-that is sexual, and that is not sexual with your partner-not faithful!

    Many men show each other nude pics, "hey check this out"..at work,coffee,wherever. They aren't about to jack off at work,golf,wherever, so noooo it is not some biological necessity!
    It is immaturity, disrespectful behavior.
    That is a choice!
    Try responding "hey man,nawwww dont want to see that ...I'm married to my gal".
    Remember you first hooked up with her thought she was awesome.
    Ohhh, but now we've touched on "being one of the guys" dont want to say you dont want to look at T&A..whatll they think you are...which brings us back to how boys are programmed about sex.
    But youre men now, full grown men!
    Grow up!
    And, i have had so many clients on the verge of divorce, the guy is amazed at how hurt the woman has been about pics/vids/crass joking, the husband "but she said its cool,she jokes too", "she loves watching it with me"...
    Yet delving into it,she has low self esteem,or has been "conditioned"its normal because it will make him happy, and most clients ,the woman has been sexually assaulted/raped. Thus why you end up with a gf or wife who... can't stand how she looks. Shes insecure. Men say confident women are sexy,you like it if shes confident in bed,not insecure,pitifully whiny,picking herself apart,just lies there,hides.
    Why would you want to make her feel ugly by your actions, thats the result of the hurt.

    Some women genuinely say they are into it, well,that usually boils down to sexual assault,trauma,or trauma thats conditioned her to "make it exciting" as Ive stated- but it can be the other end of the spectrum, your gal might be right into porn and a real hellcat in bed,awesome!
    Except in therapy sessions when theyre ready to break up or divorce- he had no idea,she didnt even realize!
    It was past trauma that caused her "to be as great as the porns".
    It is so programmed that until counselling she didnt even realize! Shes playing a role to have/keep love.
    That is how programmed girls are about the "only thing important to men".
    Why wouldnt you want to avoid all that damage to a woman you say you love.

    Should wife or gf have a gorgeous woman standing in the kitchen naked beside her for when the husband gets home, hell no!
    So, wheres the difference? He's visual after all,or so you've excused it with.

    Oh, just appreciating womens beauty....b.s.
    Or, no different than seeing a nice car....b.s.
    A car is not sexual.
    Sexual is what you promised to be faithful about in marriage!
    Oh i promise i wont screw anyone, ill just oggle them and jack off thinking of them.
    That is not faithfulness!

    In the 1800s prior to cameras, men were not looking at naked women who were not their wives.
    So, no, it is not "because they are visual!"
    Yes, some men cheated. Some men went to prostitutes.
    Overall though, men were not sex driven "needed" doses of seeing random naked women.
    It was not everywhere they turned.

    Society has created a pornography driven society, the internet has made this even worse.
    Girls are conditioned from puberty onwards that sex,how you look,is the number one thing that matters to men.
    Men are excused,justified,and even told from boyhood, "they're men,its what men do".
    No, it is what immature disrespectful guys do.
    Unfortunately, even guys who are "nice" guys have become conditioned that this is okay.

    Even colleagues of mine, many, tell clients that it doesnt mean anything personal "men are visual"
    This infuriates me!
    12 year old girls worldwide are paying the high price of what society is teaching, even pushing! As women, they only know and feel what has been programmed into them.
    Its harming the boys too,as they dont have a healthy view of sex and relationships.

    1. This comment is the most wonderful thing I have ever read on the internet!! Yay for you! Never agreed with anything more in my whole life. Thank you!

      1. Yes, Thank you. I thought it was me and I thought I wasn't suppose to be offended or hurt by my guy looking at other women on the internet.

      2. I thoroughly agree, this makes perfect sense. I firmly believe that partners looking at pornography and following other women on social media are very problematic for relationships.

    2. I am a man and I am also a porn addict. I am trying my best to end this addiction and from past couple of days, I am porn free. I just want to say that this is the most accurate and fantastic comment I have ever read on the internet. I am also disgusted by the fact that both girls and boys are being programmed that way in current society. I also feel guilt and shame knowing the fact that I was once a part of same society. I just want to say thanks to you. I will never ever watch porn and never ever be a part of any work that would portray women as sex objects to men.

    3. Hit the nail on the head. My husband says he understands why I get upset but I know he doesn't..or doesn't care enough. He thinks I believe he no longer watches porn but he doesn't realise I can see when he's deleted his browser history. I make sure to be one step ahead but I'm not sure where it's getting me. An insecure paranoid mess is where I'm slowly headed, but what can I do? We've nearly broke up over this (and slightly worse) about 3 times over 10 years. Don't really know if I should do anything about it or just accept he likes to watch it.

      1. I’m going through the same thing coming up on 10 anniversary and I’m not sure what to do but I feel exactly as u said u did! Can you keep me updated on what happens with you please?

      2. I’m right there with you. We have been fighting all week because my ex ruined me. And my husband now sees no problem in jacking off to another women and says it’s not cheating to me it’s close enough. He screams at me over the phone calls me insecure I’m so close to just saying I’m done. On phone today I got a fraud report and I asked him what it was after a while he said fraud apparently it was his stupid friend who said it, but he knows how I feel so why would you even say that ok fine take your friends wife I thought your family always came first apparently it’s your stupid friend why don’t you marry him
        Instead that’s how I feel. Sorry I’m over boiled

    4. Absolutely, thank you!! My husband and I recently got married. I was a virgin to him but he had been with 3 others, that’s been a struggle for me to understand and accept his past. With that being said, his is the only person that has seen/touched my body, so out of respect for me, our relationship, and the correct way to live we do not watch movies or tv shows with nudity (male or female), we look at the parents guide before watching... many coworkers and his buddies have voiced their opinion about how immature and stupid that is. My husband is more than happy with me, he has so much love and respect for me and body. He is not attracted to anyone but me. He tells me there’s absolutely no one better and he is the luckiest man to have me. I truly believe that... all his actions show it. He doesn’t need look at anything to masturbate because we have sex with each other.. the real deal not visual deal. He doesn’t need anyone else’s pictures he can see my body any time. So no to this article.. a truly committed spouse will not need to look at anything or anyone else.. they will not lust over anyone but their partner. They will get all they need from their partner, that’s why they choose to be with that person. Sexual Lusting over anyone but your partner is cheating.

      1. Agree but my husband was that way I thought. Til later so I hope you have a good one. Stay strong. Love him forever

    5. I keep having these arguments with my husband because he thinks that I have to be ok with him looking at videos of girls dancing. I don’t have the best body ( I don’t have a big ass) so the fact that he looks at girls with big asses makes me feel like shit. Sorry about the cursing, I literally just had a fight with him because I found out he has TikTok and like always I find out he’s using social media for the wrong reasons . He says he doesn’t do anything but look, so I always ask “so then why do you do it??” And he brings up that he just does it because he’s a guy. I told him it hurts my feelings but basically says that I’m toxic. Why does he have to say “well if you can’t except that I occasionally look at girls then maybe we don’t need to be together. How the [email protected]&$ is that my problem, we’ve been together for 17yrs and I have to take that as part of the relationship?? why do I have to be ok with him doing that when he’s married to me. Because he’s still the love of my life and a great husband in other cases, this is his only mistake he frustrates me because he makes me look like I’m crazy jealous. I need help to try to calm down about this because like it or not he’s going to keep doing it and since I told him to delete TikTok now he says I’m not letting him live his life. How crazy does that sound to you. On top of that we are having issues getting pregnant so this doesn’t help. I’m sorry I’ve said a lot but I have nobody to talk to and I’m drowning in pain because I love him with all my heart but this upsets me and I don’t think it’s ok. You don’t need to respond I just needed to talk to someone.

      1. Yes I am exactly the same with you. Maybe we can share phone number and discuss about this. I have issued too about pregnancy and also I just got married . I know he always looking at the unpropriate half naked woman pictures even on the news app.. I hate it really. He had me why must need to look at another??? He says I will delete the app and u know u are the only woman. Maybe that time it was devil who played with me I tried to fight with it. He said. . bullshit I didn't believe that. If he fighting with devil within why must me stop him ? Just stop himself as he claimed himself as a faithful guy

      2. Yep yep yep. It happened in my 23 year marriage to my church elder husband, now it's happening again in my 7 year marriage! And he knows all about it! Maybe I should be totally done with men

      3. Hi Gaby and all the other women out there. Society has made excuses for this bad behavior for long enough. First it was dirty magazines, then porn and now TikTok. As far as I’m concerned TikTok is worse then any of the previous vices used by men. TikTok is a continuous stream of young beautiful woman barely dressed. All for your husband or bf to be visual about. Well if I was looking at those woman all day long I wouldn’t want to have sex with me either. I recently asked to see my husband’s TikTok and he had no idea that I new how to look at his profile and who he was following. So he gave me his phone I went to his profile and then to who he was following. How predictable I found girls barely dressed. Two of the girls had their content removed for inappropriate postings. Of course my husband denied following these woman. His words “ there are so many other beautiful woman on there why would I be following them?” Mean while he knew perfectly how to follow other people like stock guys. This is pathetic. Honestly I’m feeling disappointed with this whole society and what we have become. Over my dead body will I settle for this behavior. I don’t disrespect you. Btw I told my husband I’m not worried because you could never get a girl like what you are watching on TikTok. I am in mourning of my life and mourning for the life I wish I had.
        I don’t believe anything my husband has to say, I don’t want him texting me and I definitely don’t want a pity compliment.

        1. I have been feeling the exact same way..the beginning was great, no insecurities at all. Until he stopped wanting to have sex with me. He would claim he’d be too tired or wasn’t in the mood. I had never went through his phone before but then after 6 months of no sex, I thought to my self there is no way.. I finally went through his phone. Nothing but porn saved and bookmarked on his history, a ridiculous amount of porn saved..... he was literally searching multiple time a day, everyday. I was so hurt and betrayed.. i felt something was wrong with me. I tried to sit down and talk to him about the situation like adults but he spazzed out on me and made me feel bad about myself calling me insecure and immature. I tried to ignore this and get over it but still no compassion or intimacy from him. He’d always send me away to go run errands and when i get home nothing but tissues, napkins, towels, filled with his fluids on it. When I would confront him about it he’d straight up lie to my face and tell me he didn’t jack-off and that I’m just insecure. And when I would literally show him what i found he’d grab me by the shirt and shove me telling me to get over it because he’s a guy and that guys watch porn so they don’t cheat on their girlfriends in real-life. I don’t care what anyone says, i feel this is wrong and he has this weird obsession. EVERY time we watch a movie, he looks up nudes of the girls who were in the movie!!! Every fucking movie. I feel like I can’t watch anything with him without knowing he’s going to look up the actor naked. And on top of that he searches that shit while laying next to me, and every time I bring this up he turns the tables on me. Telling me I’m an insecure b*tch and that I need to grow up. I am insecure because of this and I feel I’m not enough 🙁 I am literally in tears why typing this... I have gotten no where from trying to sit down and talk to him. I always get shut down

          1. Funny how they blame shift as soon as they are confronted and caught out?
            I was screamed at called all sorts of horrible things and treated like shit!
            28 years of normal healthy life together and 16 years married. Why on this earth would men want to go behind our back all secretive (that was my problem with this hole thing) and watch women they would never get anyway? Willing to put their marriage on the line for a cheap quick view! In my opinion i now know exactly how much I really mean to him.
            My feelings towards him will never be the same again. He has no excuse for his actions. If you have to hide it, it was never supposed to happen in the first place. It is unnecessary and unrealistic, they learn to lie and cheat and hide things. It’s wrong! Hurts like hell to know that you are actually not what he wants:(

          2. Please leave him asap. This is what abuse looks like. It's not even just about the porn and jacking off. You need to get out.

    6. THANK YOU!!!! You have explained exactly what I feel! If I am walking down the street with my man, and see an attractive guy, I will purposely look the other way out of RESPECT! That's what it is all about. Respect and disrespect. If your girl tells you it hurts her when you obsess over other women online, then STOP DOING IT. If you don't or can't, it's because you truly do not care about her nor respect her, period!

    7. I've read so many articles on this topic...trying to understand why men do it to us women who are loving and faithful even with our eyes.

      As a woman who believes in love. How could you...if you truly whole heartily love someone?!

      Why do we give excuses?! Because their men?! Its their nature and we should accept it?!

      It breaks my heart into a thousand peices. Im dying inside knowing that you lust and crave another through your eyes n mind. Watching, seeking, liking other woman when im right here. Maybe I shouldn't be....because its obvious its not true love.

      They really need to grow up!! Its sad that some can't feel truth n love.

      They'll never understand how it makes us feel n im tired of feeling this way.

      Thank you for standing up against it. Ive tried to understand but the fact is. Some truly need to grow up!!!

    8. Tracy thank you 🙌🙌 I am normal I believe what you believe and I've been made to be adnormal by everyone but I no am not we are true pure people and we are rare.

    9. Thank you! I needed to read this and feel that I’m not alone. That the problem isn’t me and my feelings. Thank you!

    10. Very good view point.All said. More love in the heart is what little boys need in their childhoods amd less carnage and " boys dont cry".

    11. I know this is an old post, but came across it just now, and this response is the best I’ve read. Exactly what I’ve been feeling for years as he does these things behind my back, lies about it, then gets angry that I don’t completely trust him. He knows it hurts me, to the point that I couldn’t take it anymore. It stopped for a little while, but so long as he thinks he can hide it, he will never stop. You’re hurting the women you supposedly LOVE and don’t want to live without...why is looking at trash online more important than that?

      1. This is my life rn. I wish there’s a group on facebook or anywhere that we can discuss these things and listen to one another.

    12. OMG!!! YES!! Exactly. If men are so visual, then my man can take pictures of me and jerk off to that when I'm not around. Otherwise, I'm always up for some frisky-ness with him!

      I HATE this society that perpetuates this untrue and ridiculous notion that men just "HAVE to look at other women" and just "CAN'T help it". Fu** that. They can desire only my naked body if they've committed to a monogamous relationship with me. If they want something different, then they should enter into open relationships only.

    13. I've screamed this for YEARS!!!! I'm sick of the excuses, but my stance is Bible-based. If God created man to be "hard-wired" to view women other than their wives why did He only create Eve for Adam? Why not a bevy of women all different sizes and shapes??? Because He DIDN'T!!!He created one man to love and enjoy and take pleasure in one woman...his WIFE!

    14. Preach! Thank you for that. I'm glad some one finally gets it and stands up to the BS of this is just a guy thing, they are visual etc.. sick of seeing how they make excuses for them. Makes women feel horrible about themselves.

    15. I truly needed to read this. It has been SO hurtful to me and I am SO over "it's natural and 'normal'" It destroys me and it has been an ongoing issue in my relationship. Thank you for taking the time to write this out.

    16. Your words are so unbelievably empowering. Your words are truth beyond truth. We ALL as humans have mammalian instincts and we ALL as humans are capable of a higher state of being. It’s devastating to be led to believe you are someone’s “one”, only to find out that, little did you know it was conditional. One means one. Only. Not one and only unless the other one has a hot body or dance moves. What happened to me? Why am I discarded? I’m sorry but men don’t get a free pass due to biology. They can use the conscious brain that biology gave them too.

    17. Thank you so much for your input.
      It makes me sick that this is something we are told to just accept. It brakes my heart. I don`t trust men anymore at all, it`s so sad.
      Even in relationships it`s so normal for them to step over boundaries, because of what they see and learn online..

    18. Thank you for validation..dealing with this for yrs .. he just got sloppy on hiding this..
      Not sure what to do .. can't live like this

    19. Thank you so much for this comment. Just found out my husband has been doing this for years. We’ve been together 13 years and have 2 sons. I found out about his addiction at 8 months pregnant with preeclampsia. We’re still fighting because I keep catching him continuing to look although I’ve threatened to leave. Until reading your comment I was starting to feel like I was losing my mind for being so hurt. Thank you

    20. I 100% agree wi.th you. If I see a sexy guy my first response isn't to sneak off and sexually gratify myself over it. Of course we notice a hot guy or whatever the same as we expect our husband to. It becomes a problem when he will seek out another woman whether digital or real for sexual gratification. That is essentially being unfaithful no matter how you look at it. Men are mostly immature and selfish in this respect and don't seem to see how it hurts and betrays their wives. It makes us feel unloved, disrespected and hurt. It makes us constantly question if we're enough. It demoralises us as women. A grown man would see that. I think it's just more that most women are awake and understand what real monogamy is but to say men are wired differently is a copout.

  4. I have a unique situation. I’ve been married to my husband for 39 years, and once the internet became an outlet for porn and such, it became a regular part of my husband’s life. I never minded him searching and looking at porn very much, and I’d even point out good looking women to him because I blindly trusted he’d never go beyond just looking (and masturbating) to porn. I was a little uncomfortable with it but never wanted to be that nagging wife, so I played the part of “the cool wife” and let him keep doing that creepy shit.

    Then 2 years ago I found out he had been texting with an ex-booty call of his from before we were married. The texting only lasted a few months but they were intimate messages that destroyed me. I’m here to say that emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating. I confronted him and I sent her a text telling her to never contact him again, and nothing went any further between them (we live in a different state than her), and the texting had already stopped several months before I found out. Husband said it was just to get some attention and wished he’d never responded to her to begin with. Deep down I believe that, bu now all of a sudden I’m this suspicious, nagging person, and ANY sort of comment about another woman (even someone on TV!) or any site I see he’s been on looking at other women, and I fall apart. I’ve told him how I feel and that I’m a different person now, but he continues to search online to look at other women. He just can’t stop, even though my behavior and emotional changes are his fault. And he’s promised several times that he won’t do it anymore.

    I’m ready to walk away from 39 years of marriage because of it.

    Thoughts from this community?

    1. He deserve you. He doesn’t honor what y’all have together. All of his lust for women and attention should go directly to you. Now that he has really hurt you I believe that hurt, lack of trust, and worrying will always continue. The fact he won’t listen to how you feel about what he has done to hurt you or even stop what he is doing is awful. You deserve respect. He obviously doesn’t care to change and if he ever decides to stop one day it’ll be too late for all the hurt you’ve had to experience and live with. I wish y’all the best. I am sure you are a wonderful and beautiful wife, don’t let him make you think any different. ❤️

    2. It is sad how men get so lost in this imagery. You should try and check out other men as well. You should just let him be lost in that world because it seems stroger than hus feelings for you.

  5. Everything In the article makes perfect sense however, the hurt and not being able to trust will never go away. I’ve been married for 27 years and the porn watching started when my daughter was born, as far as I know. He says he has not cheated - just goes on Facebook to look. He says he stopped watching porn because after much discussion it seems he was unable to be aroused after watching it for so many years. I have been ready to leave him many times. Have too many other responsibilities to walk away now.

  6. So, I will add that, if men are biologically programmed to like when they see naked women, women are NOT biologically equipped to live in a world/society where pictures/porn are so prevalent. Before photography was a thing, if a woman came into your home or tribe, and offered herself to be looked at nude, she was a direct threat to your family unit,and raising your children and being able to survive. That's why, if your man looks at nude woman, it feels like he is cheating even if he isn't actually having sex with anyone. So the feelings that women have aren't just silly or stupid, it's biology. Tired of the whole men's biology as an excuse.

  7. So, I will add that, if men are biologically programmed to like when they see naked women, women are NOT biologically equipped to live in a world/society where pictures/porn are so prevalent. Before photography was a thing, if a woman came into your home or tribe, and offered herself to be looked at nude, she was a direct threat to your family unit,and raising your children and being able to survive. That's why, if your man looks at nude woman, it feels like he is cheating even if he isn't actually having sex with anyone. So the feelings that women have aren't just silly or stupid, it's biology. Tired of the whole men's biology as an excuse.

  8. Accept that men will masterbate?? Its how they are programmed?? Wth!? BOTH genders do this but when your grown ass adults in a relationship we as women are supposed to accept and pretend "its normal for men" to have his phone and his dick in his hand more than he has his hands on his own girlfriend or wife or more important things like every other grown ass adult. This is pathetic. Only a decent, mature as hell, selfless, grown ass man will act like one and not act like pedophile, porn star who only spends time with his phone in one and dick in the other because society says " that's just how he is wired" Dumbest thing I've ever heard.

  9. My husband of 15 years has had a false secret Facebook and Instagram account that I have discovered. My parents are shrugging it off as man behaviour but I am really struggling with it. I had anorexia when I was younger and already have s massive self esteem and body issues. He has assured me that it was purely just looking and gave me full access to the Facebook account but deleted the Instagram when I found it. We have nearly separated several times and he has broken down several times and said he was assumed and sorry for the hurt and would stop which I think he has. He has deleted both accounts. We have 3 kids and I am trying my hardest to make it work as I do love him but am fine one week and back to hating him and not feeling good enough the next week. I am a so hurt and changed I have even considered killing myself because I can’t deal with the pain. He too has said he would kill himself as he can’t deal with how much he has hurt me and loves me so much. I don’t know what to do. It wasn’t porn just half naked women but in my book that’s bad enough.

    1. Same thing happened to me, found him looking at girls ob Instagram. I didn’t even know Facebook was another outlet for looking at girls. Can I ask what you meant? How would I know if he’s been looking on Facebook as well?

  10. Hello,
    I left a comment before. I would like to say I feel all of your pain as well as mine. With that said what are we going to do about this???
    I’ve been struggling to feel better and gain control of my well being.
    I decided to go to therapy to be heard, and validated. To become strong and not to feel so low.
    I am going to the gym now
    And finally I have completely pulled away.
    My husband can not fix this problem as obviously he can’t think for himself. I either have to lower my standards of him completely or walk away. The choice is mine. I really want to thank him for letting me choose. After all the options are endless lol.

    Let me know if you guys have suggestions to dealing with this to make yourself feel better?

  11. I have a boyfriend and we have been together for 12 years. I recently found out that there is a watched history of facebook. Then I saw him watching videos of women on Tiktok with "my heart went oops challenge" were the boobs of the young girls and women are shakin. He also watched "banyo queen challeng" on Tiktok were the girls are acting like a penis is inserted on their vagina, where you can see their faces with reactions being pleasured so much. I find it disrespectful and I immediately confronted him. He denied it to me and told me it was auto-played, but dont be fooled, because it's "watched" history. Past tense meaning he completed watching the video. Well,I told that to him.

    I asked him why did he watched it. He told be was just curious!!! Like what the hell!! I even asked him a sarcastic question. Like "do you know that curiosity is the mother of all invention?" So i asked him if he was able to invent something. Ofcourse he said no, he said that he didnt felt aroused on those ladies. I even asked him if did he masturbate using those pictures. He said no!!! He kept on denying and it hurt me so much. I already have insecurities before, now its ever worst. I told him that it just shows that I dont satisfy his needs.

    Then I also looked at his "search activity" in google. He searched for nude photos of different artist. I've been in pain since last Saturday. I also saw that he has a Clock -Time Vault: Photo Video locker where he hides the new photos and videos.

    I saw him the next mornning, he knew that I'll have the high chance of knowing it because whenever I'm so samn angry I become technical and like a private investigator and keep on interrogating him.

    I told him that I am tire for all of his excuses. I have a always forgiven him but he is taking me for granted. He is so ungratefult. Thats why I asked him he remember the days when he have problems or sick of he who was the one beside him? Are those girls take care of her? He cried so much and said that he didnt realize he was doing it that bad that he want to kill himself just for me forgive me. I told that is a one great excuse and that it is an immature thing to do.

    I love him so much. I gaved him everything he wanted. I know I am very good in bed and that I satisfy him so much. But why does he still need to check for those nude photos when he can just have sex with me or touch me.

    The problem with guys is that there are not contented on what they have.

    So because I loved him so much we had sex. The sex was so crazy because it was so rough while we were acting crazy and crying. I know I'm such a stupid but i love him.

    I told him I will give him his LAST CHANCE and that I hope that he will not waste it and make himself a better person.

    I agree on the part that since im making sure his always satisfied when making love. Then after I saw the videos of the women I acting like a porn star to him. He even asked me if should we buy some sex toys.

    I was thinking maybe I was the one lacking why He was acting like that to other women. Since to be honest im like the bread winner on the family and im earning much than him. My job is so stressful that sometimes I am already tired when he wants to have sex.

    Now i am really confused what to do. I stayed with him but its already for me to believe everything his telling to me. The trust was gone and it hurts me so much.

    I hope he just didnt do it. 😭

  12. My husband has been doing this for 4 years that I know of. Everyday while I'm at work. He hides his stuff and deletes all history. We have been married for 23 years. What can I do?

  13. I’m so broken down, have no self-esteem left, and have been bawling on and off for days due to finding out that my husband has been looking at porn, hiding it, and lying to me. Meanwhile he hasn’t tried touching me in 6-8 months, he’s became emotionally detached from our family and especially me. I have tried several times begging him to just communicate with me to tell me what’s going on why he’s so detached or to please just hug me for hells sake. He barely even gives me eye contact when we speak and if I’m bawling in the other room from feelings of not being good enough or just ignored he doesn’t bother coming to comfort me. Well since I’ve found out about his internet and hand infidelity, he’s so apologetic about it all and knows what he did was wrong because he went the first 4 yrs of our relationship not seeking sexual gratification from “visual” stimulants to all of a sudden doing it for months all while ignoring me. I asked him all the why’s? Like: why watch it what makes him think in the middle of the day/late morning “I think I’ll watch porn and jack off”, why does he do it at home knowing I’m right fucking there, where, why not me, and more. One answer in particular killed me and I still am disgusted and in more pain than I knew imaginable. He said one time what caused him to watch porn and jerk off was he, “seen an attractive woman’s ass in booty shorts and his first thought was I wonder what that tanned ass vagina looks like?” I was so shocked And devastated by his response That I screamed bawled and locked myself in our room. How in the fuck can he wonder such things when he has me (I’m not ugly, and I have a great body) and knows I would do anything to satisfy him sexually because I love him and I too love sex and exploring new things. So why? Seriously I am so lost in what to think or why his thought process has went in that direction. He has never been a vulgar disrespectful person especially towards women so why now?? Please help me I’m so broken and have never experienced anything like this pain in my life...

  14. Wow. I cant believe I stumbled upon this thread. i have been with my bf for almost 3 years and I told him early on it made me uncomfortable that he watched porn and wanted to get off on another woman. he said he understood and wouldn’t do it. but was always lying about it, he was watching porn multiple times a week and getting angry if i asked him or accused him. after multiple times of believing he was sorry and he’ll stop, i thought things got better. come to find out back in august, that he was on a site where random girls post their nudes, he was on there almost every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. in our apartment together, i have been working from home since march & he would get home from work and do this in the bathroom with me in the next room knowing how much it would destroy me if i found out and he never cared. i have sent him pics of me and he’s told me he doesn’t really use them, but will use random girls to jack off? he says it doesn’t have anything to do with me and he just is curious, wants to look at something different, sometimes he says he doesn’t know why and he’s just horny, the bull shit excuses everyone is mentioning in this thread as well. i was ready to leave him, the lying was awful and i’m so tired of him always needing to be looking at other girls. he deleted all of his social media & leaves his phone out on the table when he goes to the bathroom & he told me we could go to therapy so we’ve been going the last month -the therapist actually said multiple times this is biological..wtf?? being disrespectful is biological?? nah. i’m always down to have sex or take a pic, my bf just seems to be more interested in other naked girls. things have been better, though since therapy until this morning i saw in his phone on reddit he had recently been in the bigtits subreddit or something recently. i lost it. i told him i was done and he had the audacity to tell me it showed up on his popular page and he clicked on it and scrolled for 2 seconds. lying like that is so embarrassing. i told him i’ll know when he’s telling the truth when he actually hurts my feelings and his answers aren’t always too good to be true. he said it’s not like he was watching porn or looking up other stuff, he said “it’s just reddit” okay?? but after everything we’ve been through and him almost losing me multiple times, he should’ve never clicked on it in the first place if that’s the truth. i’m trying to stick to what i say this time and actually be done, but it’s so hard. i feel for all of you and your stories, i’m glad i’ve found posts that don’t make us feel crazy and just have someone say “boys will be boys” because it’s ridiculous.

  15. I discovered my husband has a Facebook account when I was snooping on his fone.he started acting a bit off like taking his fone into the bathroom,always keeping it with him,his lovemaking knowing bout people we haven't seen for awhile,walking away from me when we are shopping saying he was looking for a job out of town. So I asked him about it and he told my it was for employment and his friends. He sighed up middle of September i didn't find out till end of October.i looked up his history the first person he looked up was a female that was interested in him when we had our last child and females who barely had any clothing on big boobs,asses. Didn't see any friends of his he requested on his account. Also he's watched pornhub. I felt so stupid cause i used his phone for business never thinking he was looking at stuff like that Also betrayed. Asked him if he thought i was so ugly to him. Gravity has taken over,my face, boobs. have been with him since I was 18yrs old now im 50. He did make me feel so ugly. I did live for my family, being a stay at home mom, care taker for my elderly mother, being self employed from home. I don't want him touching me so I till him to jack off looking at his pics.im so pissed he thinks he didn't do anything just because he didn't touch them physically. He thinks I'm so stupid tells me he accidentally pressed on something. Thanks to him my pants size went from 12 to 6 so i thanked him bastard! I keep asking him when he is going to work out of town, told him he can do whatever but I'm staying sticking around for my babies. I'm looking for employment out of the house. I working on myself putting on makeup,fixing my hair doing it for me. But it's a bit lonely having no one to talk to about it. I think I have a good 15 years on me so dammit I'm not wasting it. That's for letting me vent.

  16. I found out my husband has been looking at girls on Instagram, and on Facebook has multiple dating profiles , he has even met up with one of the girls and been hanging out with her for like half a year already , our sex life is good so I don't know what the problem is or how to fix it

  17. This is exactly what my husband and I are going through right now. He sees no problem in looking and "visualizing" his friends wife naked. YES his friends wife! I said, "ok and then what?" Like he wouldn't want more from that. Yeah freaking right. I have expressed how incredibly hurt this has caused me in our marriage.
    Why do guys get a pass for acting like things like this are ok? How and why did society think this was ok? It disgusting and incredibly disrespectful to me. To any woman.
    He was so obsessed with looking at her pictures on FB and Instagram, he hid it for over a year. And the only reason he even said anything to me about was because we were arguing about another inappropriate BS with another girl.
    Im So SICK of men's behavior like this get overlooked as "normal" and its just "boys being boys."
    Then why the [email protected]#$ do guys even get married in the first place?

    1. That would be really nice. It is really hard living in this way of hurt. Talking to other women suffering would be really nice.

  18. my husband and I who recently got married 5 months ago but have been together for 5 years just got in a bad argument , I thought everything was great because after our marriage we deleted social media , today I found out he would look up shorts and leggings on Amazon to look at the reviews of girls showing their asses I confronted him and he said “I’m a man that’s what we all do look at ass I can’t help It” he also said he’s in a box here with me that I control his every day move .... when I met him we started off as friends with benefits I didn’t want anything serious he was known as a man hoe who would always be at stripclubs !!! He got my pregnant and well that brought us here to a relationship , I feel like he went so long single that he got so addicted to porn he would even tell me he would jack off to It ..... he packed his stuff today but did not leave maybe tomorrow he will no matter how many times I tell him how hurt that makes me feel keep In mind I was never insecure until I gave birth to his second son and lost a lot of weight sized down on pants from a 9-2 and he would always bring up how my pants don’t fit the same .. I don’t know what else to do anymore it’s not even about the watching ass anymore this is about the disrespect

  19. What a lame explanation to cover immorality. it was hard to read till end. Thoughts like you have summed up here, are the reason that give them a pat on the back. Being with one and still ogling others and fantasizing is a clear sugn of weak character that leads to immorailty.

  20. I have been with my husband since I was 19, he is 16 years older then me, and we had 4 children in 5 years, everything has been great up until about 4 years ago, he stopped being interested in sex with me, he started watching dancing girls on tiktok and YouTube which I told him hurt me and upset me, he said he wouldn't watch them anymore, but occasionally will put them on saying he fell asleep and they came on automatically, I told him it's the algorithms it puts on what you like to watch, he now looks at other ways to look at half dressed women on YouTube, the only time is even attempts sex is after watching some of these, it has been 2 months since we have had sex, and we could go many months without, 2 weeks ago it was my birthday, about 2am on my birthday I get woken by him masturbating, this really upset me, I didn't say anything, went all day at work, we went out for dinner and came home still he did not touch me, the next morning I again get woken by him masturbating, I don't feel attractive, or good enough, he did have an operation on his prostate which was enlarged and was told by the doctor that he may have trouble getting an erection, so I don't hassle about sex as I don't want to make him feel embarrassed, he got pills from the doctor but will not take them, and he makes sly comments in front of other people saying that I am the one not interested in sex, and this upsets me even more, as I do want sex, I think it makes it worse as the girls he looks at are about the same age as our daughters, in their early 20s, the only times he does try to touch me is when he knows it cannot lead to anything, like when he is about to go to work, I feel too ashamed to even be undressed in front of him anymore, and he says but I like looking at you, but all I can think is why won't you touch me. I don't know what to do, I have no one I can talk about this with, I just don't know what to do anymore, and feel I have given him the best years of my life, and now it feels like he doesn't want me.

  21. Okay, I’ll start by saying that I’ve seen some VERY powering comments on here. It really helps to know that I am not alone and I’m not crazy, I’m rational.
    I am 21 years old, I was raped at the age of 13-14. I had multiple, close rape encounters as well. It’s pretty normal for a growing, hormonal teenager to start to hate her body at that age. And that’s exactly what was going on, then I was raped. That made it so much worse, SO MUCH WORSE. I was fed that sex is all guys “needed”, or “wanted”. And that it was “my job to provide that” and if I didn’t, well I guess that “justified” why I was raped. My whole life I’ve been a Tom boy, I wore baggy clothes and I did it because it’s what I liked. So, no. It wasn’t because of what I was wearing, lol. At that age I didn’t think about sex, nor did I want it. So, it’s not how I was acting either. Fast forward to now, I am married. I never wanted marriage, always been scared of it. But, I fell in love with this man and wanted a family. I had a son before him, he took him in as his own and we have two kids of our own. (One angel, one due in November.) At the beginning of our relationship, I was okay with him looking at other females. (I know, it was because of my past trauma and it’s what’s been fed to me as, “normal”.) I stopped becoming okay with it because he did it excessively, even in front of me! That’s when it started to hurt, I addressed it. He apologized and swore he’d never do it again, I believed him! Then I was forced to believe him the next 3 times he did it, stupid me. It’s been 2 years now, he knows it hurts me. A few months ago, he did it again. I didn’t find out until (a few weeks ago) I had that gut feeling that he had done something, I was right. His excuse was, “we had a fight. I was mad, hurt and I felt unloved and unwanted. So I looked up these models, I didn’t like that I had did it afterwards. I don’t mean to hurt you, I didn’t do it to hurt you.” My thing is, hubby… if you didn’t do it to hurt me, why did you do it? He swears he didn’t do it because he wanted to, that makes absolutely no f’ing sense. You did it BECAUSE you wanted to, you may not have done it to hurt me but you knew before you did it that it would and that it was wrong. So do you just not care about how it makes me feel, or what? Just today, I read a note in his phone that he had typed up yesterday. He stated, “I feel like nothing will change, I don’t understand why it hurts her so much that I look at models. I don’t do it because I don’t think that she’s sexy, beautiful or attractive. I think she’s all those things, it’s not like I’m out physically cheating or talking to anyone else. I tell her every time a girl sends me a friend request or comes off flirty towards me, I go to work and come home to her everyday. I don’t understand why she thinks the way she does about herself, I don’t know why it hurts her so bad that she wants to leave. I’m doing everything she’s asked of me, what am I doing wrong?” I’m sure a lot of you reading this are already saying, “you make her feel unloved, unwanted and unattractive. If it hurts her, that should be enough for you to stop if you cared about how she feels.”

    Trust me, I feel the same way. What hurts me more, he did it while I am pregnant. So not only was my self esteem low, not only was I hurt by him 3 times prior, I’m carrying his child. HIS DAUGHTER and because of that, I feel even worse about myself. I had asked him recently, while I was broken down and ugly crying. “Would you want another boy, guy or man to treat your daughter this way? Would you tell her that her feelings are ridiculous, that it’s okay for him to do these things to her?” He said NO, okay then. Maybe that’ll get him to stop, who knows. Wish me luck while I wait on him, thank you guys for sharing all of your stories.

    1. Update on my last post, I had found out that it wasn’t just 4 times… he actually never stopped, he just hid it better the entire time. Man, hearing that absolutely broke me…

  22. Wow. It's so amazing not to feel so alone in this!! I started to share my story and frustrations, but what I want to do instead is to set up a private Facebook group. Several of you have said that you would like that, and I would too. I'll figure out how to do that, and then I'll let you know what it is. Anyone who would benefit from that would be welcome to join. Give me a couple of days to figure it out, though... My husband is off work tomorrow, and I won't be able to do it with him here, lol!
    This all sucks. It really does. My marriage would be bearable and often even happy if it weren't for him sitting there looking at scantily-clad women, pretending that's not what he's doing on Facebook, etc.
    But he doesn't know that I know the code to his phone! It used to be my birthday, but then he locked me out. And he tries to tell me he's not hiding anything... Ha! I know my way around his phone better than he does.

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