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25 Ways To Make A Guy Chase You Using Male Psychology

February 9, 2024

Psychologists must have it easy, right? They get to use all of their specialist knowledge about male psychology to make any guy go completely crazy for them. Unfortunately (especially for me, given that I am one), it doesn’t quite work like that.

Rather than focusing on how to use male psychology against him or how to make him chase you, let’s look at how we can use it to understand each other and build strong, healthy relationships.

Key Takeaways

  • Men aren't actually as different from women as you might think
  • Some men might like to “chase” you, but others will find this a big turn-off
  • Don’t make him chase you. Make him deserve you

Is “Male Psychology” a Thing?

Before we get into the ins and outs of “male psychology,” I want to be really clear about a couple of things. My academic background is in cognitive neuroscience. This is the study of how the structure and function of our brains influence the things we think, say, and do.

The most important thing I learned in years of undergraduate and graduate study is that the differences between men and women are far, far smaller than the similarities. You might have heard about “male brains” vs “female brains” or “right and left-brained people.” These differences are tiny compared to the things we have in common.[1]

Male brains are typically larger than female brains but only because our brain size is closely linked to our overall size. If you have longer thigh bones than someone, you’ll probably have a bigger brain than them as well. That’s not a sex difference. It’s a size difference.

(Oh, and brain size is NOT linked to intelligence in humans.[2] It’s not about how big it is. It’s how you use it that matters.)

The same is true of our cognitive biases. Cognitive biases are ways that we take mental shortcuts or misjudge information that can lead us to react in certain ways.[3] We all have them, both men and women.

What does this mean for you if you want to use “male psychology” to understand the guy you’re dating? Is it impossible? No.

There are two ways that you can use “male psychology” to better understand your man.

1. Use “psychology,” not “male psychology”

Those cognitive biases I’ve mentioned? Just because they apply equally to men and women doesn’t mean that they’re not useful to understand. Using what we know of psychology in general can still help you to understand and improve your dating life.

2. Understand the role of culture and upbringing

Just because the differences between how men and women view the world aren’t down to our brain structure doesn’t mean that those differences don’t exist. Our beliefs, values, and expectations are all down to our experiences throughout our lives.[4]

When you understand how his experiences have led him to hold certain beliefs and opinions, it’s easier to see where he’s coming from and to work together to build a healthy, happy relationship. So it is helpful to look at a “male viewpoint” to understand him.

Using “Male Psychology” Against Him: What Are the Risks

Why does it matter whether the differences between men and women come from us being wired differently or us having different experiences growing up? Does it really matter?

It does. If there were some hard-wired “male brain” that made them behave in certain ways, we’d pretty much have to accept that and cope with it, even if it was hurtful to us.

Given that most of these differences are due to what we have learned and how we are brought up, there are two things that we can bear in mind.

Firstly, each guy will have different experiences. There’s no “one size fits all” explanation about how men think or what they’re looking for in a relationship. You’d be far better off trying to understand his psychology than you are with male psychology in general. 

If you try to use “male psychology” to attract him, you run the risk of alienating men who think differently or who have had different experiences.

The second thing to remember is that you don’t have to accept some of these behaviors, especially if you find them disrespectful or uncomfortable. Just because all of his friends behave in a certain way doesn’t mean that you have to be ok with it.

If there are aspects of “male psychology” that aren’t ok in today’s world, women can reject those behaviors and it’s perfectly ok not to date men who show those characteristics.

For example, if male psychology was innate, then we would have to accept the claim that men always prefer to date women who haven’t slept with many men. That would be a fact, rather than a cultural value rooted in misogyny that has no place in the modern world.

Rather than focusing on “male psychology” and using “tricks” against each other, let’s try to use our understanding of psychology to better understand each other and create healthier relationships.

Should You Get Him to Chase You? The Psychology Behind Chasing a Girl

Let’s look at the claims for why it might be worth trying to get a man to “chase” you in a relationship and whether they really hold up. It’s especially important to think about what kind of guy is going to chase you and whether he’s really who you want to date.

1. It makes him feel more masculine

Does chasing a woman for a date or relationship make a man feel more masculine? Well, that depends very much on what he was taught about relationships and his beliefs about the nature of masculinity.

Some guys will feel less masculine if a woman shows her interest too easily. But that does imply that their feelings of masculinity are pretty fragile. After all, if he had a strong sense of his own masculinity, it probably wouldn’t be undermined by you pointing out that he has a cute butt.

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There also isn’t a universal relationship between chasing a girl and masculinity. Other guys will feel incredibly masculine (and desirable) when they realize that you’re totally into them.

Masculinity

2. He only values something if he has to work for it

This advice typically suggests that you need to reject him so that he feels as though he has to work to get your attention. The belief is that he’ll value you more highly because he had to put some extra effort in.

In my opinion, this is actively dangerous advice.

Let’s suppose that you’ve rejected him to keep him interested. What is going to happen next? Any guy who respects women and believes in active and enthusiastic consent is going to think “Ok. She’s not interested. I’ll leave her alone because that’s the respectful thing to do.”

That means you’re left with the guys who don’t respect women and those who don’t think they should have to take ‘no’ for an answer. Sure, they might be really into you… but that’s not actually a good thing. Limiting your dating pool to men who don’t respect the word ‘no’ is not a healthy plan.

3. Guys don’t respect women who have sex too early

You might have read that men don’t respect women who have sex on the first couple of dates.[5] There are definitely guys who think this way but remember that they are only a proportion of men. So, what kind of guys hold this belief and are they someone you want to date?

A guy who thinks less of women who have sex early in a relationship but doesn’t think the same way about men who do the same are carrying some misogynistic beliefs. They believe that women who enjoy sex are somehow “dirty” or less worthy than those who abstain.

It’s up to you whether this is a deal-breaker for you. My personal experience is that women who date this kind of guy have pretty poor sex lives because they don’t feel comfortable talking about the things they like in bed or asking for what gives them pleasure.

If you feel shamed or judged for your sexual desires, you’re probably attracting the wrong sort of man.

4. He doesn’t want to feel tied down

I’m going to resist making a bad bondage joke here and get to the real problem behind this reason for making a guy chase you. If you need to make a guy chase you so that he doesn’t feel “trapped” in a relationship, that’s a pretty clear sign that he’s not actually ready for the kind of relationship you want.

Guys who feel restricted or uncomfortable in a relationship if their partner isn’t actively pulling away might well have an avoidant attachment style.[6] There’s nothing wrong with that, but their attachment style might mean that they’re absolutely the wrong guy for you.

If you have an anxious attachment style, you risk falling into the anxious-avoidant trap if you encourage a guy to chase you. He feels safe because you’re emotionally distant, but in the long term, neither of you is going to get the relationship you want or deserve.

5. His jealousy will drive him back to you

Again, let’s think about this one with a logical approach, rather than an emotional one. I do appreciate that there can be something emotionally reassuring about a guy who gets jealous at the thought of you being with someone else. 

Unfortunately, a lot of that reassurance comes from you feeling secure that you know how to get him back, rather than feeling secure in the relationship from the start. If a guy is only really interested in dating you when there’s someone else on the scene, he’s giving more attention to how some other guy feels than he is to how he feels about you.

6. Reverse psychology makes you stand out

Ok, it is absolutely true that our brains are hard-wired to notice when something is different from what we expect. We pay attention to differences. Some advice will tell you to use reverse psychology by not acting like a “typical woman” to attract and keep his attention.

But, what does it mean if he has strong views about how a “typical” woman behaves? Especially if some of those views are pretty old-fashioned and misogynistic? Do you want to date a guy who thinks that “normal” women are always after a guy for his money or want to get married and have children?

Even if he thinks that you’re different, this isn’t much of a compliment. You can do better than a guy who believes in lazy stereotypes from the 1920s.

How to Get a Guy Interested in You and Start Dating on a Healthy Foundation

Sweet couple rubbing noses

1. Don’t make him chase you, make him deserve you

You’ve probably seen loads of suggestions for ways to make a guy want you, and most of those lists will include at least one reference to making him chase you. You’ll be told that he needs to feel like he’s earned you in some way.

You’re not a gazelle running across the plains. He doesn’t need to chase you. What he does need to do is be someone you can respect and admire. He needs to be someone who deserves you.

Rather than making him wait for a pre-specified number of dates before having sex, look for something more meaningful. Ask questions about who he is, his values, and how he approaches difficult situations. Show him that you have high expectations.

This gives him the feeling of having worked to ‘win’ you. It also means that you’re only dating guys who meet your high standards. That’s a great combination.

2. Be honest

Many of the recommendations around using psychology to make a guy chase you or attract his attention can feel uncomfortable and awkward. That’s because they’re fake. You’re trying to behave in a specific way to get a particular reaction, but it’s not authentic or honest.

Instead, try focusing on being your authentic, honest self. 

This is a great way to fend off the anxious-avoidant trap I talked about earlier. If you ask for reassurance when you want it and give space when it feels natural for you, you’ll quickly get a good idea of whether you’re a good match for each other.

3. Be open about what you’re looking for

It’s worth saying that this tip isn’t designed to get any guy to be interested in you. It’s designed to get the right kind of guy interested.

Rather than play games and pretend that you’re less interested in him than you are, why not try being completely open and honest about what you’re looking for? This will turn off the guys who want to focus on the chase and dating, but that just saves you from wasting your time on them.

This leaves you with more free time to devote to the guys who are actually going to be a good match for you. You’ll have fewer dates, but they’ll be more likely to be good dates with someone who shares your values.

Bear in mind that this is true no matter what you’re interested in. You don’t always have to want a relationship. If you’re looking for a casual partner or a short-term fling, you’re still going to have a better chance of things going well if you’re open and honest about that.

4. Prioritize yourself and your values

This is a hugely helpful step towards building a healthy relationship with a solid foundation. When you prioritize yourself and your needs, rather than always being the one to compromise, you’re setting the pattern for the rest of your relationship.

Obviously, we all need to compromise sometimes, and being selfish isn’t attractive, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. Prioritizing your values means acting authentically. Make sure that you state your boundaries clearly and show that they’re meaningful to you.

Let’s say that it’s really important to you to keep a strong relationship with your family. That’s a great value and it’s important that you honor that by not canceling plans with your family to see him. This lets you build a relationship with healthy expectations and communication.

If you struggle with this aspect of building a relationship, it might be helpful to talk to a great relationship coach to help you practice setting healthy boundaries.

FAQs

Should I try to make a guy chase me?

Making a guy chase you might attract some guys, but it might turn off men who are better for you in the longer term. Think about what you want in a man and whether your perfect partner is going to need to chase you to fall in love.

Can I make a guy chase me using male psychology?

You can use stereotypical male attitudes to make some guys chase you, but it won’t work on every man. Importantly, it might not work well on the kinds of guys you want to date. Think carefully about what you want before trying to make a guy chase you.

Conclusion

Making a man chase you might be common advice, but it’s often not a good idea. It’s far better to try to build up a strong, loving, mutually respectful relationship with someone who sees you as an individual instead.

Did you enjoy this article and did it make you think differently about some of the dating advice you’ve received over the years? Let me know in the comments. Make sure that you share this with your friends, especially if you think they could benefit from changing how they think about the start of their relationships.

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6 Sources:
  1. Tavris, C. (1993). The Mismeasure of Woman. Feminism & Psychology, 3(2), 149–168. https://doi.org/10.1177/0959353593032002
  2. ‌Peters, M. (1993). Still no convincing evidence of a relation between brain size and intelligence in humans. Canadian Journal of Experimental Psychology/Revue Canadienne de Psychologie Expérimentale, 47(4), 751–756. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0078872
  3. ‌Murat Durmus. (2022). COGNITIVE BIASES - A Brief Overview of Over 160 Cognitive Biases.
  4. ‌Vartuli, S. (2005). Beliefs: The Heart of Teaching. YC Young Children, 60(5), 76–78, 80–86.
  5. ‌Crawford, M., & Popp, D. (2003). Sexual double standards: A review and methodological critique of two decades of research. Journal of Sex Research, 40(1), 13–26. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490309552163
  6. Bretherton, I. (1985). Attachment Theory: Retrospect and Prospect. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 50(1/2), 3. https://doi.org/10.2307/3333824
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