Dealing with all of the feelings that come up when your ex-husband has a new girlfriend isn’t easy in itself, but it’s made even harder when that girlfriend starts to cause problems.
Whether your ex’s new partner is being openly nasty to you, making co-parenting harder than it already is for you, or she’s changing the way your ex-partner acts around you, it’s a nightmare come true when your ex is with someone that causes you trouble.
However, there are things that you can do to ensure that your relationship with your previous partner stays amicable and that your kids and yourself are protected from your ex’s new partner.
In this article, we’re going to share 17 of the most important things you need to do if you’re dealing with a new partner of your ex-husband creating issues. So, let’s jump straight in!
Table of Contents
In order to try and figure things out and deal with this situation, you first need to think about the specific issues she is the cause of. You can’t blame her for every single thing wrong in your life (as much as you might like to), so really think about which issues are caused by her doing.
For example, has your previous husband started to spend less time with your children so he can hang out with her? Or has she been giving you anxiety attacks because she’s being nasty to you? List each thing that has been caused by her, and once you have this list, you can start to find the solution to every single problem, one at a time.
After identifying the issues that this woman is causing, it’s a good idea to try and really get down to the root of the problem - why is she acting like this? One of the most common reasons your ex’s new partner could be acting badly towards you is because she’s jealous of you and the relationship you had with her new man. This jealousy is often greater if you share children with your ex and she doesn’t, because she knows that the two of you have a very special type of bond.
Although you might think that this new woman is jealous of you (which she probably is, even if she hides it well), you actually might be jealous of her, without even really knowing it. Do you feel anger towards her for no reason? Do you resent her for living your old life?
These are completely normal feelings, but you do need to keep them in check so that they don’t consume you. You shouldn’t feel jealous over her, because you had him, and regardless of how things ended, they ended and now you’ve moved forward to a different stage in life.
One of the most important things that you need to do is realize and accept the fact that things have changed and that things will continue to change because your ex has brought a new person into their life.
This is particularly important if you share kids with your ex because they now have someone new in their life too. As long as the changes that occur aren’t toxic, drastic, or dangerous, you need to accept that change is inevitable.
Although you probably won’t want to, it’s essential that you try and see things from this woman’s point of view, because after all, she could be searching ‘how to deal with ’my boyfriend's ex-wife ruining our relationship’ or ‘how to deal with my husband's ex-wife’, just like how you’re here trying to figure out how to deal with her.
She might find it difficult to deal with you, the kids that you share with her new man (if you do), and the fact that she knows that her new man was so in love with you that he married you.
There’s absolutely no point trying to find out how to make a situation calm if you’re always going to be irritated and angry, so make sure that you’re constantly trying your best to be nice. In fact, if you don’t like this woman it’s even better - kill her with kindness! You need to be the kind, understanding one here, so make sure you are and don’t let her get to you.
The last thing you want is a conflict with your ex’s girlfriend, not only because it looks bad on you and can land you in trouble, but it can cause issues with your children (if you have any with your ex).
Conflict only creates more conflict, so try to handle every situation, even disagreements, in a calm and mature manner. If you ever feel conflict arising, rise above it and try to calm the situation. If conflict ever does arise for some reason, make sure your children can’t see it happening.
If you really feel like this woman is creating issues for you, then you have to talk to your old partner about it. He needs to know exactly how you feel, as he might actually be able to deal with things from his side, or he might be able to inform you about the reason this woman is acting like she is. It’s important that when you speak to him, you don’t look jealous, you don’t push the blame onto her for things that aren’t her fault and you communicate clearly and openly.
If you do have children with your old partner and you think that his new girlfriend isn’t good around them, it’s absolutely your right to say that you’re not happy about it. For example, if this woman is potty training your kid, she’s giving them cell phones at 3 years old or she’s overstepping her mark and speaking up at school events, you can communicate to your old partner that you don’t think she has the parenting skills, or the right to do so.
Even if you don’t want your kids around her and you don’t think that she’s their father’s soul mate, it’s not a good idea to turn your kids against her or defame her in front of them. If you do this, your kids will not only feel confused about whether she’s a good woman or not, but they might also see a side to you that they don’t like. You should keep your children out of all of it as much as possible.
If things don’t seem to be getting better or there are some clear issues you need to address, sit down with your old partner and his girlfriend and say that you want to figure it out together. By you saying that you want to work towards a harmonious goal, it might make both of them realize that they want the exact same thing. Then hopefully you can all work as one to make things better.
In this kind of situation, it’s common for your relationship with your previous partner to become strained, or more strained than it was before. If this is the case, you might want to consider trying to see things from his point of view. Once you realize that he’s trying to keep two women happy at the same time whilst they’re at each other’s throats, you might be more understanding of his position.
The people around you know you and your situation best, so it’s a good idea to ask them for their advice and see what their thoughts are on the situation. By speaking with loved ones, you’re also able to release everything you have been keeping inside, which will feel really good, and you will have the support of them. Just remember to only talk with people you trust, you definitely don’t want your thoughts on this new woman getting back to her.
If you’re not happy with how things are, it's your right to set boundaries to make yourself feel more comfortable. Setting clear boundaries will benefit everyone in the long run, because it allows everyone involved to stop putting themselves in uncomfortable situations, For example, if you share children, you can request that when it comes to school matters, this woman isn’t involved. Or, if you don’t have children, that this woman doesn’t ever contact you directly.
If you have children, one of the most important things in the world to you, is their safety. You need to make sure that this woman is safe and doesn’t cause any type of harm to your children (mental or physical) when she is around.
If you are seriously concerned for their safety and the children’s father isn’t doing anything about it when incidents happen, head to police stations to report the issue and change the custody order if you need to.
If you can’t figure this situation out on your own and you can feel it eating you up inside, it’s probably a good idea to head to a therapist, especially if you have no one by your side in all of this. Seeking professional help will allow you to release your emotions safely and it will most likely help to gain clarity.
It’s hard seeing someone you had a relationship with, be with someone else, and it’s made harder if that person is creating issues for you, so make sure you take good care of yourself. Show yourself some more self-love, reach out to people that can support you, and do more of the things you enjoy.
After reading this article you should be well prepared to deal with your ex’s new girlfriend. Overall, you need to be as polite as possible, focus on being amicable, and providing a strong family unit for your children if you have them, and avoid heated conflict at all costs. Also, try to keep your feelings in check and make sure you aren’t feeling jealous of her.
Your ex’s wife will most likely be jealous of you because of the relationship you shared with her now-husband. If you share children with him, she will also know that the two of you have been through a lot, that you share a deep connection, and that the two of you will put the kids you share together above everything else.
If you are with someone who has a toxic previous partner, it can be really tough. You need to protect yourself and your relationship from their toxic ways, you need to make sure you sustain clear and honest communication about the way you feel with your partner and you have to try and figure out a way to move forward. If you feel threatened or in any kind of danger, it might be a good idea to take action, such as getting a restraining order.
It’s entirely up to you exactly what you say, but you definitely want to keep it as amicable and calm as possible. You want to start off with her on good ground, so it might be a good idea to say how you’ve heard a lot about her and how you hope everyone can move forward together in a friendly way.
In some cases, a previous wife could definitely still be considered family, but typically only when sharing children with her previous husband, because technically that family is her children’s family. It can be difficult dealing with the ex-wife of your boyfriend or husband still being so involved and a part of the family, but as long as you set boundaries and get along amicably, there shouldn’t be any issues.
If your ex’s new girlfriend is creating issues in your life or making it difficult to successfully co-parent your children with your ex, I’m sorry - this is really tough to deal with. However, hopefully, now that you’ve read this article you are able to deal with the situation and move forward in a positive way.
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