If you have to talk to your husband while his eyes is fixed on his mailbox or you have to get interrupted during conversations, then you may think your husband respects his work more than his family.
You may have never planned to live life this way. In fact, your plans during marriage may have included going on exotic vacations with your husband or having your husband around at all times but here you are, feeling lonely.
Having to live a life different from the one you planned have cost many people their homes, thus giving me the reason to talk about this in order to stop a looming divorce.
Marriage is one thing everyone looks forward to at a point in life. While some desire to marry early for reasons known to them, others may decide to marry late in order to give their all to a lifetime commitment.
One thing most people refuse to understand is that every stage in life requires a part or total change in attitude, way of life or in how we perceive life.
For instance, when you graduate from college, you are no longer willing to see friends as you used to because there is a life you have to plan. At this stage, some of your friends may begin to say nasty things that you wouldn’t want to think about. You lose some things to gain other things.
Now, this transition is not based on your will but life happened and there is the need to dance to its tune. This change is also evident in marriage. Yes! While you were growing up you planned to enjoy life to its fullest, with your husband taking every bit of the step with you.
While you try to work so hard before marriage, you may have thought that you would be able to do all you want when you marry because there will surely be a helping hand. We think marriage is one reality show to act in.
Well, I am sorry to disappoint but it’s a big No! I am not saying it’s bad to plan life after wedding but try not to expect that all you planned can or will be achieved. While life reveals different sides to each person, you need to understand that marriage changes so many things.
One of which may be the way your husband takes his work. He no longer has time for you and the little time he spends at home, he is always trying to sort something. He rarely eats because he has to meet up with deadlines and you rarely converse because he has no time for big talks.
During courtship, your partner tries to cover up in order to find time for you but after wedding, you begin to know his true nature. Yes! He was never like that because he loved you so much that he never wanted to lose you nor lose his work.
And now that you are married, he believes you should understand him. You must be able decipher whether your husband is actually busy because he is a workaholic or he is using his work as an excuse to stay away from work
The feeling of frequently being alone with no one to talk to, the days of having to sleep alone because he is busy working, the feeling of your husband not upholding his promises, feelings of disappointment and anger are similar to women who think their husbands cheat on them and to those with workaholic husband.
At this point, a part of you wants him to be with you, help with house chores as well as cater for his needs but the other part wants him to continue working because he is the primary bread winner.
You cannot say he should stop working to be with you. Like how do you want to pay the mortgage officer? How do you want to sustain the family? Also, he cannot neglect you because he wants to sustain the family.
This issue is one of those issues that should not be left pending as it may lead to a divorce if proper attention is not placed towards restoration.
Maureen Farrell who wrote ‘So you married a workaholic’ for Forbes stated ‘on average, couples in which one partner is a workaholic divorce twice the average rate’
Not paying attention to your marriage because of your job means you are not nurturing your marriage and malnutrition can lead to nutrient deficiency.
Some husbands may not even realize that they work too much or their desire to provide the best for the family is actually affecting the family. To that husband, all he wants is to be able to provide at all times.
If you are beginning to feel frustrated with his attitude or his inability to discern properly, remember that this is an issue that must be sorted from the best view point without imputing stress on anyone. Never make your husband feel like you do not appreciate his effort.
You may not know but women have the ability to either trigger positivity or negativity. While you may be the first reason why he is trying to do so many things at a time, he might also stop doing so much because he feels you do not respect his efforts.
Both his work and his family are important for general sustenance, hence you should try not to place one above the other.
I know that feeling! That feeling of wanting to let everything out the moment you are ready for it but there is someone out there telling you to ‘calm down’. I made my research and I realized that 95% of actions we take out of an apt feeling end up being regretful.
Now, do not forget that he is your husband and you have the right to speak about the marriage. It’s not bad, the bad thing here is your approach. No matter how much you feel on the inside, never let it reflect in your deeds and action
Go ahead to request for a chat
You do not know if an approach will change something until you have put in a measurable effort. Yes he is busy but when a woman wants something, she knows how to get it.
Look for a period where he is calm and not depressed to approach him. It could be; ‘Hey dear, do you have plans for Thursday, we need to talk, its urgent’
Why can’t I be direct? Why do I have to ask him? Remember he is the person who works too much, remember you are the person who feels really affected, remember you should not sound imposing.
Coming with that approach, he will surely sense that something is wrong. If there is no time, he will create time for you. What if he forgets like he does? You can set up a reminder on his phone. The reminder should notify him at least thrice everyday till Thursday. He will surely not forget.
Avoid starting conversations with questions like
‘Do you know how much sacrifice I make to keep this family running?’
So ‘what do I do every day?’ he will reply
Don’t spoil the conversation before you start it
Rather than that, you can start with
‘I have been meaning to say this for a while but I decided to stay off because I love us. But I can no longer stay off neither can I continue to pretend because right here and now, I feel so uncomfortable’
At this point, he will pay close attention to you than before. All you have to do is continue
Use irregular words like calling his name
‘You have not had time for US in months and I feel like I married my husband’s job rather than my husband. Jerry, I feel so lonely’
Let him know how much you mean what you are saying. You do not want him to laugh it off.
While talking, constantly remind him of how much he has done for the family and how you wouldn’t have done some things without him. That will balance your conversation.
Allow him talk. Listen to what he has to say and see if he would apologize (he should).
Ask him if his busy state is for a couple of months or for a lifetime.
(Check Brad Browning’s video on how to get your spouse to recommit)
If he says ‘his busy state is for a couple of months’ do not let go thinking you will have him back after some months. Think about it; how many companies let their employees off the hook of work after a successful project.
None! Because the success of one project bears the desire to achieve a higher project. So, you have to find a way that will work for both of you whether he is busy or a little free.
Talk about Priorities: Lack of communication makes you grow apart. After letting him know how you feel, you should also set up a time to talk about priorities. There are dreams your husband might want to achieve so as to make life better for you and the kids.
Finding time to talk about these things will help you understand his work. Dr Gary Brown once said that he had to talk to his wife about the need to go for his Ph.D. which would surely affect the family but the effect wasn’t so much because his wife understood.
By talking about priorities, you can talk about the short term plans and long term plan that will work for both of you
Agree on date nights: Look through your schedules and set specific dates for a night out together. Make these date nights sacred such that no matter what happens, nobody sacrifices the date night.
Look extra beautiful on these nights, hold hands with him and fix your gaze on him. It is for the both of you. So make the best out of these nights. Talk to him about the things you have kept. Tell him you love him as often as you want.
Make plans for the future: The future here can be next week or next month. So, you know he would be given a week to stay off work. Make plans. If you want a family vacation, ask him to request for an off that will fall during holidays so the ids can also get to connect with their father.
It could also be a boat cruise or getting tickets to an international show. Ensure the plans favour you both and not about you alone or him alone. Having a plan ahead helps you go through the rough times.
Know him better: You may have spent years with your husband before eventually getting married and you think you know him. Well, you do not know him as much as you claim to do until situation arises. So, take time to know him during this period.
Whether you like it or not, this is the best time to show him love. Let him feel that the responsibility of being the primary breadwinner is worth the cause. Appreciate him with his love language. If you do not know his love language, this is the best time to find out.
You should read ‘the five love languages’ by Gary Chapman to know which works for your man.
At the end, it is what you do, that keeps you going
Make unusual, polite requests: As stated earlier, try not to assume that he knows what you want. Be an active lover. Make requests that will rekindle the love you both share. It could be that he would be the one to cook for the family that weekend, it could be to tell him to switch off his phone
You can request that he sets the weekend apart to do the house chores together. Things like these strengthens the bond you share
Create time for yourself: Whether you are a full housewife, a nursing mother or a working mum, create time for yourself. Engage in things that makes you feel happy and excited. Instead of feeling too lonely, you can make it a period to do something productive.
You can make it a time to nurse your career, to do that which you enjoy doing. You can even take up yoga classes to help you relax your mind for a long meditation.
Make connections: While you may not see him all through the day, you can feel so close to him. If your lunch hour falls at the same time, you can pull video call through telling him about your day. That will also trigger him to tell you things about his work.
While it is quite uneasy to live with a hardworking husband, you should look at the brighter side of it and work towards making you both happy. Let your husband come home with the mind-set of ‘I can’t wait to see my wife’, ‘I will be fine because my wife is there for me’
Check Marriage 365 video on how you can make it better
Using bad words to trigger a positive result: You think if you use derogatory words, he will be compelled to do as you want. I am sorry to disappoint but you can call a man useless and expect him to be useful.
Trying to be all over him. Like being obsessed with his schedule: No! Stop it! Do not go beyond your lane. Do not check his schedule to track him so he would come home at a particular time. Just leave your husband, you do not want to him to think you are another burden to deal with
Doing what he likes but none of what he likes: If it is not appealing to you, how will it be appealing to him. Most women think that if they can go out of their way to make sacrifices then he would do the same. No! it doesn’t work like that. Both of you will end up not appreciating anything.
Most women are emotional. We want a man that will be there for us as well as a man that will be able to cater for your needs. But in a bid to get one, the other gets affected. Do not let this make you feel sad or frustrated
I had to write this so you can save your marriage. It’s all about understanding him and thriving to make things better. I hope you have learnt from this. I will know you have when you share this article.
If you have any questions or opinions? State them in the comment session.
Now is the time to act!