Porn is an incredibly large business, and we often debate the ethics of the adult industry but we rarely stop to consider how dating a pornstar can affect a relationship.
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Covenant Eyes released a new conglomeration of pornography statistics in 2021, revealing that “Men are 543% more likely to look at porn than females,” and that the industry is rapidly increasing but that “porn revenues had been reduced by 50%, due in large part to the amount of free pornography available online.”
Dating a porn star, or someone who works in the adult film industry, can certainly require a different mentality to a ‘normal relationship’, especially depending on what type of work your partner is doing.
It can be mentally challenging to imagine your partner at work sleeping with other people, but that’s not the only problem that can occur when dating a porn star…
What really matters here is that no matter what problems you may face, there is usually always a solution, it’s just a matter of how to handle them, and what it mainly comes down to is reminding yourself that this is simply just a normal person at work.
That being said, let’s look at some of the most likely problems one may face while dating a pornstar.
It can often feel difficult to separate work from your personal lives when the job in question is sex oriented.
It’s important to remind yourself that if you’re dating a sex worker, the major difference in the sex that they have is this: one is for work, and the other (with you) is for pleasure.
That’s not to say that your partner won’t feel pleasure from their work every now and again, as that’s simply a bonus to the job, but you have to remember that it’s exactly that; a job.
The Cut, in their YouTube series ‘Truth or Drink’, had an episode titled My Pornstar/Stripper Girlfriend where they had a pornstar (Kelly Panther) and her boyfriend (Lachlan) ask each other difficult questions surrounding being in a relationship with a pornstar.
Kelly explains “it’s work, and it has nothing to do with my personal life… it barely even turns me on.”
Any normal person gets jealous every now and again, but it can be even more difficult when you start dating a porn star; you have to remind yourselves that it’s just sex, and even if your partner is sexually attracted to their co-star(s), they have chosen to be with you.
Trust is important in any relationship but can feel harder to achieve when your partner is actively sleeping with other people.
However, if this is something that you’ve agreed to deal with when entering a relationship with a porn star, then it’s crucial to not let this jealousy get the better of you, and to communicate with your partner when you begin to feel this way.
It’s also important to remind yourself that this is a consensual agreement and that your partner is not cheating on you whilst working.
Depending on your sex drives, you might find that the imbalance in sexual activity can affect your sex life.
Simply because, if your partner is having sex frequently for work, they might not always feel horny when they get back home with you.
If you have a rather high sex drive and feel as though your partner can’t fulfil these needs, then firstly communicate this, but secondly, sort yourself out.
Masturbation is a great way to combat a difference in libido, and you may even want to open the conversation around opening your relationship, allowing yourself to have consensual sex with others.
In most cases when dating a pornstar, this is something that isn’t often needed, but it’s an option that may help to keep your relationship afloat if an imbalance is impacting your relationship negatively.
We all know that porn can set unrealistic expectations, but how is this something to overcome when you’re literally dating a pornstar?
A good way is to remind yourself that even though the sex may not feel as intense as it can be seen on porn, that at least it’s not fake.
If your partner starts to overdramatize or fuck like you would expect them to when the camera is rolling, then they probably aren’t that turned on.
Referring back to the YouTube video posted by The Cut, Kelly explains after being asked if she ever gives her boyfriend a lap dance like in a strip club, “my routine of stripping isn’t something I’m gonna give to a partner because it is really fake.”
Meaning that you can have great sex that isn’t necessarily as dirty or staged as seen on porn.
Pornstars are essentially paid actors, meaning that there’s always a worry that they will fake it in your own sex life.
If this is something that worries you then it’s best to remember that your boyfriend or girlfriend probably doesn’t have the energy to fake it. Similar to the point made previously, they don’t want a fake experience with you, instead they seek enjoyable sex.
Any concern that they are going to fake it is something that anyone can feel in any kind of relationship. If you’re concerned that you’re not fully satisfying your partner then open up a conversation and simply ask him/her to tell you how to improve; not in a needy way, in a way that encourages you to both feel confident about asking for what you want.
Many couples often experience an imbalance in performance, of course this can feel enhanced when dating a pornstar.
You have to remind yourself that they chose to be with you, and if you’re ever worried about your own performance then ask how you can make it better.
In any relationship, you want to feel like you are pleasing your partner. So just remember that your partner literally has sex for work, yet they still come home and want to have sex with you. It’s all about separating your work and your personal lives.
Let’s address the elephant in the room. We’re all aware of the stereotypes that come with being a pornstar, and, in turn, with dating one. Things like STDs, drug association, and even pimps.
The survey completed by Covenant Eyes tells us that“66% of porn performers have herpes, and 7% of porn performers have HIV.” Ex-porn star Tanya Burleson says men and women in pornography do drugs because “they can’t deal with the way they’re being treated” in the industry.” A 2012 survey of porn actresses demonstrated “79% of porn stars have used marijuana, 50% have used ecstasy, 44% have used cocaine, and 39% have used hallucinogens.”
Of course, we know that this isn’t always the case and that porn stars are often discriminated against by this ideology.
It can be difficult introducing a new partner to your social circles, but at the end of the day anyone who truly cares for your happiness will be super respectful of your partner and their profession.
Being open about the industry and having the confidence to share your relationship is what will eventually help eliminate this stigma for all porn stars.
When dating someone in the porn business or someone who works in strip clubs, it can always feel tricky to introduce them to your friends and family, thinking that they want you to date ‘normal people’.
Again, if your friends and family care for your happiness they should be respectful of your private life. Porn stars can be beautiful people and often have to work hard to prove themselves.
Referring back to the Youtube video posted by The Cut, when Lachlan is asked “In what situations do you hide what I do for a living?” he replies that in no situation does he hide her job.
Kelly then goes on to say “I find with meeting friends and family I do have to prove myself a little bit” and after meeting for the first time there’s no more worry and people start to see her for who she really is beyond her job.
Unless you want to use condoms, it would be wise to take regular tests; both you and any potential partners.
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing and actually, if your partner is encouraging regular tests it means that they are sensible about their work; as a sex worker it’s crucial to play it safe against STDs.
Beyond a crazy ex girlfriend, when dating a pornstar, know that a lot of people will have seen them naked.
Whether it’s a mutual friend, or a complete stranger, it can be difficult to come to terms with the fact that people will see videos of your partner making love every single day.
However, some people find this fun and exciting. When asked if he has a problem with Kelly’s job, Lachlan responds “It kind of turns me on knowing that you’re turning on some other people” to which Kelly replies “I know my job makes you so horny.”
A great way of combatting the jealousy is by taking pride in the fact that your partner literally has fans and to remind yourself how many people want to fuck them as it can be a bit of a turn on.
If you are in the early stages of dating, your partner may still be active on dating sites specifically for pornstars, where they won’t use their real name.
The reason for this is that a lot of people can be turned on by the idea of dating a pornstar; essentially they’re in high demand.
However, this only goes to show how good your connection together is and validates the strength of your relationship together.
Because your partner’s work is based around sex, there is often less pressure regarding your sex life. However this can add extra strain to your emotional relationship.
What I mean by this is that in most ‘normal’ relationships a balance between sexual intimacy and emotional attachment is crucial to making the relationship work.
When you remove the pressure of your sex life, that pressure can be added to your emotional attachment towards one another.
This can feel difficult, however, all relationships require hard work and the two of you will only end up stronger.
If becoming a parent is something that you want in the future, being a pornstar can get in the way.
The only way to resolve this is to be open and honest about the future that you would like together and to set a realistic timeline as a goal.
If you’re overly concerned about how to deal with the opinion of others, then Her Norm has a brilliant site – Relationship Hero, that consists of several qualified relationship coaches to help guide you.
It’s important to remember that other people’s opinions don’t matter too much as long as you’re happy. However, if this is something that you’re struggling to overcome, honesty is always the best policy.
For example, if you’re nervous in particular about your partner meeting your mom, then explain the importance of your mother’s approval to both of them to encourage them to make more of an effort.
Many famous people have had a history of dating pornstars, and I’m not talking about Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, I'm talking about well known pornstars with a long history in the industry.
One couple that received a lot of media attention was Charlie Sheen and Ginger Lynn, especially as Sheen had a history of dating pornstars.
Some other examples are:
It’s good to note famous people who have dated porn stars as it helps to reduce the stigma around dating them.
Absolutely. Just because a porn star has sex for work, it doesn’t mean that they always enjoy it. Your pornstar partner is more likely to enjoy having sex with you as an emotional connection always makes sex more enjoyable.
There is also this idea that porn stars end up feeling completely numb down there, this is completely false.
Dating a pornstar means that they have more experience sexually and should result in having better sex outside of work.
Dating a pornstar is like dating anybody. Being a pornstar should in no way define who somebody is as a person. It may feel difficult to overcome certain aspects of dating a pornstar however, it’s just like any normal relationship.
It would be slightly concerning if it didn’t. As mentioned, jealousy is present in most relationships but it can be difficult to overcome the idea that your partner is having sex with other people.
As long as you communicate any concerns and are supportive of their work, eventually it will be something you give zero thought to.
Firstly, it’s not being filmed. Secondly, there aren’t a bunch of people behind the cameras (unless that’s what you’re into).
Porn is a performance consisting of actors who stage having pleasurable sex. Although dating as porn star will mean they are more experienced sexually, we all know how sex in real life differs from porn.
Although there are many potential problems when dating a pornstar, it’s always important to remember that being a pornstar in no way defines a person, and is just another job.
Your relationship will be successful if you put in the effort and communicate effectively. If anything, your relationship is more likely to be more successful due to the openness and acceptance of their career.
All relationships come with problems and work should never get in the way of your affection towards one another.
If you have dated a porn star and have any extra advice to add, then please comment or share with a friend in need.
We should work towards eliminating any stigma around sex workers or those in the adult industry, especially because I think it’s fair to say that so many of us enjoy watching porn.