Meeting someone new and feeling that spark between you is incredible, but what happens when he tells you that there’s something you need to know? Realizing that the guy you’re into is bisexual might be a surprise, but it doesn’t have to be a problem.
In all honesty, dating a bisexual guy is pretty much the same as dating a straight one. In this article, I’m going to help you understand your bisexual man and give you some tips to make things go smoothly between you.
Table of Contents
Let’s start by understanding how bisexuality works and addressing some of the myths that can make you nervous about dating a bisexual man.
There can be a general perception that bisexual people are more promiscuous than people who are straight or gay. I think this partly comes from the (mostly erroneous) belief that people cheat on their partners because they’re presented with a tempting alternative.
A bisexual guy is presented with twice as many hotties, so that can feel as though he’s twice as likely to cheat.
Have you ever been in a room with a hot guy and not cheated on your partner? I know I have, hundreds of times. That’s because we stay faithful to our partners because we love them and we value our relationship. It’s not because we didn’t have any alternative options.
Bisexual men can form close, loving, monogamous relationships. If they’re someone who cheats, they’ll cheat on their partner. If they’re someone who hates infidelity, they’ll stay faithful no matter what temptation is put in their path.
If you’re attracted to men, does that mean that you’re attracted to every man you meet? Obviously not. Some of them won’t fit your physical type, or be too loud, quiet, selfish, arrogant, wild, or patronizing to really get you going. Sometimes he’ll seem great from a distance but a turn-off as soon as he speaks or vice versa.
A bisexual man is just the same. He might be attracted to one guy’s deep voice but utterly repulsed by another’s grating laugh. Being attracted to men isn’t the same as being attracted to all men.
If you don’t worry about your female friends being attracted to your brother or the guy behind the bar, there’s no reason that a bisexual boyfriend would be either.
Saying that someone is bisexual doesn’t always mean that they’re equally attracted to men and women. Some bisexual people are completely balanced in their sexual and romantic desires, being equally likely to date someone of either gender, but others aren’t.
Some bisexual men will mostly date other men while others will only date an occasional man. Others can have their balance shifted the other way. They might also have a difference between the gender that they prefer for sex vs who they want to be in a long-term relationship with.
The main thing to remember is that you don’t get to define what someone else’s bisexuality “should” be. There are any number of ways for a bisexual man’s preferences to work in practice and that’s completely fine.
Another point that is important to understand is that bisexuality refers to the categories of people someone is sexually attracted to. It isn’t affected by the gender of the person or people they’re currently dating.
A bisexual man who is in a relationship with a woman is still able to be sexually attracted to men, which means that he’s still bisexual. If he’s in a relationship with a man, he can still become excited by an attractive woman.
Some bisexual people will only ever have had sex with people of a single gender. That doesn’t mean that they’re not really bisexual.
Bisexuality is about how someone feels, not what they do.
Another popular misconception is that people aren’t “really” bisexual. They’re just not willing to accept their own sexuality. For bisexual women, this often leads to accusations that they’re really straight but are pretending to be bi “to get attention.”
For bisexual men, the narrative typically runs the other way. People (both gay and straight) tell bisexual men that they’re not really bi. Instead (so these people believe), men who describe themselves as bisexual are secretly gay but aren’t ready to be ‘out’ yet.
This is arrogant, offensive, and simply wrong. If you assume that a bisexual man is just a gay man who’s ashamed of his feelings, don’t be surprised when he avoids spending time with you.
This is generally considered to be more of a ‘thing’ with bisexual women, but it’s important to recognize that his bisexuality isn’t a fun toy for you to play with.
When a man tells you that he’s bisexual, he’s talking about a part of his identity. In most cases, he’s not inviting you to imagine him getting it on with his best friend in a hot, steamy shower scene.
Bisexual men have just as much of a right to privacy about the parts of their sex life that don’t involve you as you have about yours. If you wouldn’t be ok with him knowing details of your sex life with your previous partners, it’s not acceptable to ask him about his.
Remember that he might not see sex with a man and sex with a woman as radically different things. Of course, there are often practical differences, but the emotional meaning and intimacy (and lots of the physical activities and sensations) are often exactly the same.
Whatever ‘masculine’ means for you, there’s no reason that a bisexual man can’t fit that profile.
Some evidence suggests that they’re less likely to fall into the common toxic masculinity traits, which is great, but that doesn’t mean that he’s above bending you over the kitchen counter if that’s what you’re into.
Gender and gender expression are not related to sexuality. You can find bisexual men everywhere from the football field to the nail salon.
Now that you know the truth behind some of the myths about bisexuality, let’s talk about how you can have a great relationship with a bisexual man.
This really should be a given in any relationship, but it’s worth saying here. Respect his identity as a bisexual man. This isn’t something that you get to question or that he has to prove to you in some way. If he says he’s bisexual, he’s bisexual and you need to accept that about him.
Alongside this, remember that his sexuality isn’t actually about you. Your involvement in his sexuality goes as far as checking that he’s attracted to people of your gender (and you specifically).
Some women feel “betrayed” if a bisexual man doesn’t disclose his sexuality straight away. If he’s monogamous and wants to date you, whether he shares your attraction to Jason Mamoa or not just isn’t super relevant to your relationship.
If you do feel betrayed, try asking yourself questions about why it’s important to you. Obviously, it’s better if he tells you, but he’s not under any big obligation to do so.
Having said that his sexuality is his personal business, it is normal for you to have some questions and concerns about what his attraction to men means for your relationship. That’s fine. Being able to talk to your partner about sex and sexual-related feelings is healthy in a relationship.
Try to demystify his bisexuality, without putting him under pressure. Ask questions and explain any insecurities you might have sensitively. If you’re feeling insecure about his sexuality, make sure that you use I-statements to show that you’re taking responsibility for your own feelings.
If you’re dating a bisexual guy, it can be helpful to try to understand his preferences. What kinds of guys is he into? What’s his taste in women like? This doesn’t need to be a big deal, but it can make his bisexuality become more understandable.
Maybe try to see what he liked about his last boyfriend or share which guys you’re attracted to in a series you’re watching and ask what his thoughts are. This can help make talking about sexual attraction a normal part of your conversations.
I’ve tried to be really clear about the fact that bisexual men are perfectly capable of being monogamous, but that doesn’t mean that they (or you) have to be. If you’d prefer to try a form of ethical non-monogamy, have an open conversation about your feelings.
If you do decide to try polyamory, be really clear about what you expect and who you’re both allowed to date outside of your relationship.
If you haven’t dated a bisexual man before, you might find that your jealousy and insecurity become stronger than you expect. Don’t allow those feelings to ruin a good relationship.
Remind yourself that your partner doesn’t remain faithful to you because he doesn’t have any other options. He stays faithful to you because he made a deliberate decision to do so. Practice asking for reassurance where you need it but also focus on the underlying trust you have in your partner.
None of us really want to be homophobic, and most of us think that we do a pretty good job of treating everyone fairly and with respect. That doesn’t mean that we don’t have deep-seated, implicit biases that we’re unaware of.
If you feel uncomfortable with your partner’s bisexuality, that might mean that you have some underlying homophobia that you hadn’t recognized before. This doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. Most people have at least some preconceptions about homosexuality and bisexuality.
Try to pay attention to any implicit bias you notice and really address any homophobia you find. If you’re uncomfortable with this process, it might be helpful to talk to a qualified therapist who can help you.
When you really care about someone, it’s natural to worry about whether they have any needs that you simply can’t fulfill. We also live in a culture that, in my opinion, places far too much importance on penises.
With both of these things going on, it’s not surprising that women dating bisexual men often worry that they’re going to be inadequate in the trouser department.
The good news is that you don’t need to worry. Lots of bisexual men don’t have any interest in receiving penetrative sex from a woman (and some don’t enjoy receiving it from a man either). They can be perfectly satisfied with theirs being the only penis in your bedroom.
Of course, if he does enjoy being penetrated, that still doesn’t present you with a problem. 5 minutes of online shopping lets him choose his preferred size and shape.
This might seem like a harmless question, but it can feel loaded when the person asking is someone you’re sleeping with or dating. It can also feel uncomfortable to a lot of bisexual people, especially those who don’t really pay that much attention to gender.
Lots of bisexual people don’t really think about their sex life as being divided into ‘sex with men’ and ‘sex with women’. You probably don’t divide your past sex life into ‘sex with people with tattoos’ and ‘sex with people who don’t have tattoos’. Or ‘sex with blonde guys’ and ‘sex with brown-haired guys’.
Asking whether someone prefers sex with men or women just comes across as intrusive and often disrespectful. If you’re curious, try rephrasing the question. For example, you could ask:
“Are there differences between what you get out of dating a man vs dating a woman?”
This is another weird question that can leave a bisexual man bemused. If he’s attracted to you, he’s attracted to you. He’s not secretly imagining how much hotter you would be with more chest hair.
Assume that the answer to this question is no and don’t bother asking it.
Oh boy! This is a deeply offensive question that bisexual men will have been asked for as long as they’ve been open about their sexuality. It’s right up there with “When did you become bisexual?” and “Have you tried not being bisexual?”
No one asks heterosexual people whether their opposite-sex attraction is “a phase” or when they “became” heterosexual. Asking whether his sexuality is a phase tells him that you don’t respect his self-awareness or his sexuality.
Lots of people associate the LGBTQ+ community with an increased risk of STDs, but that’s not fair or accurate. A lot of this stigma comes from the HIV/AIDS epidemic back in the 1980s, but that’s more than 4 decades ago now. He shouldn’t have to explain to you how things have changed.
Any new partner carries the risk of carrying a sexually-transmitted infection, which is why we should all be talking openly about the forms of protection we use and getting tested regularly (especially before having unprotected sex with a new partner).
Assuming that being sexually active with other men makes him more likely to take risks with his sexual health just perpetuates dangerous stereotypes. Protecting your sexual health is an important thing to do, but don’t make it about his sexuality.
This is a perfectly valid question to ask your boyfriend (though probably re-phrased as “Would you like me to wear a strap-on?”), but it isn’t something that you should be asking exclusively because he’s bisexual.
Some gay and bisexual men enjoy anal play. Others don’t. Either way, making assumptions about someone’s sexual tastes is never a good look.
Again, the problem with this question isn’t the idea itself. Lots of couples have great threesomes and love getting it on with an additional person. The reason you shouldn’t ask this question in this way is that you’re implying that it’s ok to use your partner’s bisexuality for your own sexual fantasies.
Not all bi people want to have a threesome with two people of different genders. Some might love the idea but others can find the suggestion deeply uncomfortable.
If you do want to try having a threesome with your partner, try asking him without referencing his sexuality. This shows him that you want to have a threesome with him, not just with any bisexual guy.
I’ve already explained that being bisexual is about how he feels rather than who he actually has physical sex with. It’s perfectly possible to be a bisexual virgin. More importantly, he doesn’t have to prove his sexuality to you, even if he could.
Bisexual relationships work like any other. Being in a monogamous relationship as a straight or gay person often means seeing other people you find attractive and choosing not to act on that attraction. Monogamous bisexual relationships are just the same.
There is no reason to suggest that a relationship with someone who is bisexual will be less successful than with someone who is straight or gay. Bisexual men are just as capable of being trustworthy, caring, and devoted as anyone else.
Most people default to being in monogamous relationships, including bisexual people. Someone who is bisexual might be slightly more likely to try having a polyamorous relationship, but this isn’t because they’re not able to be monogamous. They’re just more likely to be open to trying a new relationship structure.
If you’re in a monogamous relationship with a bisexual person, you might find yourself becoming jealous of both their male and female contacts. Focus on building trust with your partner, rather than trying to remove temptations. Focus on what you give them, rather than what you can’t.
Dating a bisexual man doesn’t have to be any different from dating a straight guy. He’s just a great guy who cares about you and who you’re super keen on too. His bisexuality is probably an important part of his identity, but that doesn’t mean it represents a problem for your relationship.
I’d love to hear what you think about this and your experiences dating bisexual men. Let me know in the comments, and remember to share this article with anyone who needs reminding that she can have a great relationship with the bisexual guy of her dreams.