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Can You Fall In Love With Someone You're Not Physically Attracted To?

by Sonya Schwartz

When we imagine falling in love, we imagine falling for person of whom we adore every aspect. However, it can happen at times that whilst there may be a love connection there between you and a person you found in your dating life, that you're not actually sexually interested in any way.

Here in this article, we discuss whether you can ever fall for people who you aren't physically attracted to. Additionally, we look at the slightly different scenario as to whether you can be in love in the first place without attraction and whether it is possible to love at all without physical attraction.

Can You Be In Love With Someone And Not Be Sexually Attracted To Them?

There are obviously two schools of thought as to whether you can love someone and not be sexually attracted to them. Some will say that yes, it is absolutely possible to love someone in a romantic way, without being sexually attracted to them. However, to some that sounds like a total impossibility and those will be the opinions of those that need that much needed spark or physical chemistry with.

So for those those that think it is possible to love someone and not be sexually attracted to them - how does that love connection actually work. For those that have fallen for someone without sexual attraction, their love for their partner will come from a much more cerebral connection and companionship.

Falling for someone with these two aspects present is possible to those that put a big emphasis on an intellectual connection. A connection where the brain is challenged and excited by the person they are with. It will perhaps mean that to the person that needs an intellectual attraction, they do not need a physical attraction at all. It could be that they do not see sex as a large part of a relationship nor do they see desire or passion as a necessity in anyway. Instead, their emphasis is on a meeting of minds and the tactile side of a relationship can fall by the way side. In fact, they probably don't notice it at all.

To those that need passion and chemistry in a relationship and require that elusive spark, they simply won't be able to comprehend this side of the argument. To them, a relationship is not a serious or loving one without sexual attraction and the need to physically be with someone that you love. They are both part and parcel of a partnership and without that attraction, it is not possible to be in love with a person.

The reason that a lot of people think like this is that for them sex is the way that they delineate their closest relationships from others. To a person that must absolutely have a sexual spark in a relationship, they would argue that what is the difference between a relationship that you have with any other person, if you say you are in love with someone that you are not physically attracted to. To them, that chemistry is something that marks their romantic relationships apart from their platonic ones.

It's an interesting viewpoint for those that do not think that physical attraction is needed to be in love with a person. The idea or notion of sex to them is that it is not necessary, yet how do they ensure that they and their partner, know where they stand. Do both people know that they are in a committed relationship, even though on the surface it is just like any other platonic friendship.

Is Falling In Love Possible Without Attraction?

Is-Falling-In-Love-Possible-Without-Attraction?-

One way that some of these people would make an argument is that over time they no longer are physically attracted to their partner, but at the beginning of their relationship there was that spark between them. This means that both sides of the relationship once had something like chemistry or an attraction between them and sex once was part of their love life.

However, most people in long term relationships , especially marriages that span decades, will admit that their sex life is nothing to shout about any more and that their relationship with their partner has descended into something far more platonic. So the spark was first initially there and that is how the idea of them being a couple was able to come about.

Falling in love is very different however to attraction simply dwindling and falling by the wayside which will take time. This is more to do with ageing people's hormone levels than the actual attraction diminishing. It is possible though, especially if you are one of those people who do not need sex to be an intrinsic and integral part of their partnership.

There is, though, the old adage that https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/in-the-name-love/201003/is-love-blind. Bearing that in mind, falling for someone can mean that you don't need to be into them physically because love is such a powerful force and emotion that it totally blinds you to a person's appearance in the first place. This can mean that someone who you ordinarily never would have had a spark with in the first place, is actually someone that falling for becomes a possibility because there is a strong attraction elsewhere - either on an emotional or intellectual level.

Can You Love Without Physical Attraction?

Loving without physical attraction is perhaps one of the more understandable ways for those that like desire in a partnership to see how a couple can work without sex. The reason being is that love can grow between two people - especially those that are friends first - where sex or spark was never initially needed. Sometimes, love simply will take time to grow and it can do so without the initial stages of passion that usually go hand in hand in the beginning parts of dating.

So yes, it is possible to love without physical attraction, though some would argue that it may not be possible to remain in love without it for a long time. To others it may be something that they can understand but not ever actually see themselves able to do. Sometimes sex, desire and attraction to people is just too important and something that absolutely must be there for it to work.

Indeed, a great deal of couple's therapist will advocate the need for a healthy sex life within a marriage or partnership. Problems will arise though when the need between two people are markedly different. If one of the couple need to have very strong feelings of attractions while the other doesn't - this can lead to issues further down the line.

Is It Possible To Love Someone You Don't Find Physically Attractive - The Bottom Line

While it is possible to love someone you do not have a physical attraction for, the possibility of this happening does depend on the persons within the relationship.

Sadly, if you asking the very question can I fall in love with someone without a physical attraction, the reality most probably is that as much as you want the relationship to work, you need sex or sexual attraction in a relationship to keep you interested or to make the relationship tick.

This is not unusual. Sex and desire are huge drivers in a lot of relationships and people are more often than not sexually charged beings. Whilst this level of libido can change from person to person, and can dramatically change over time, for the most part we are all humans who are wired to enjoy sex and a sexually attraction from our partners.

To some however, as stated, this requirement is so small it is easy and possible to forget about. Instead, they need a connection that is based much more on a meeting of minds and an intellectual stimulus that will keep them attracted to one another.

To summarise, whether you can have a fulfilling partnership without that much needed spark or sexual fission really does depend on the type of individual you are. While others may be able to cope without any physical chemistry between themselves and their partner, you may well absolutely have to have it. This is both understandable and normal - to some a spark comes from being on a level with them intellectually, to others it needs to be on a physical level. Indeed, to some both are needed to be present for a partnership to be successful.

Have you been in a relationship that was not based on sexual chemistry? Have you fallen in love with a person with whom you had no physical spark? Let our readers know by leaving your story below in the comments. Or share this article with a person who is going through some emotional strife at the moment - trying to weigh up wither they have fallen for a guy or girl to whom they do not feel attracted to.

You may also be interested in: 3 Easy Ways to Find Out If He's Cheating On You

Sonya Schwartz
A hopeless romantic that struggled for many years to find her Mr "Right" and made all the mistakes you could think of while dating. Known for always choosing the wrong guys or messing up relationships, Sonya was finally able to change her approach and mindset when it came to dating which helped her eventually find the man of her dreams and become happily married. You can read more about me here...

19 comments on “Can You Fall In Love With Someone You're Not Physically Attracted To?”

  1. I don't know what I feel for him but i might probably want to spend the rest of my life with him but I'm not sexually attracted to him...please I need advice

    1. Hi! I love a man that I am not sexually attracted to. I
      know he is the right guy for my life and I for his. We both have 3 kids and love he Lord and just click. We are 50. I would be a fool to let sex rule over my brain. And I've have enough sex in my life for all of us. When we fool around, it is nice. It is part of a relationship.
      However, unlike the guys I am usually sexually attracted to, outside the bedroom my new guy and I (7 months) are always super happy and I can trust him completely! I'd rather have that than sex anyday!

    2. This has been a hard situation for me as well. About a year ago, I broke up with a woman that I had been in a relationship with. We really enjoyed each other and had wonderful chemistry, but other life problems got in the way, and it became apparent that we couldn’t go on any longer, so we broke up. Fast forward to now. I have been dating a wonderful gal who is totally honest and faithful, makes a great companion, and truly cares about me. However, I don’t feel that spark. God, I want to, but can’t. I’m 59 years old, and have met the best companion of my life, but not a day goes by that I don’t wish for the passion of my past relationship. I wish that I knew what to do.

      1. I know exactly how you feel. I’m currently with a guy that is absolutely the best boyfriend I’ve had but I have zero romantic attraction to him. Also zero sexual attraction. It’s been 8 months and I knew the first time we had sex that I made a mistake. But him being a good person held us together. I recently told him my true feelings because I didn’t want things to get toxic. He so sad which makes me feel horrible that I can’t control my unhappiness. I don’t know what to do. No one understands and I just feel so crazy. Do I continue to be unhappy but have a companion that’s amazing or do I break up with him and possibly be single forever/or regret it.

        1. I am going through what you exactly are going through i feel so bad about the whole story ,no one understands and you cant help your poor self

      2. I am 54 year old woman. Ive known a great guy for 6yrs. I love everything about him. But there is no spark at all no matter how much i try. Intelectual we get along great. He has spark i don’t. And he cant just be friends. So as much as i dont want to. Im going to have to pass.

  2. I honestly feel the same way about the person I am with too! It’s very hard and sometimes I feel so unsure of myself

  3. I just found out my boyfriend of almost 2 years isn't that sexually attracted to me. He hid this very well, as of course it is nothing you want your partner to know. I just moved in with him and his parents. We have a lot of love and a solid committed relationship leading to marriage. I am just heartbroken a little and trying to find the answers to help me cope or make the decision to leave.

    1. I would say, give it some time to settle in. Live together for a while and if you are able to keep up the same level of love then it’s something you can look past. If the love is diminishing then it seems it would be a deal breaker. That it didn’t lead to an argument or sudden break up is a sign that it’s something that you two can accept.

      1. My boyfriend of 2 years asked to just be friends recently because he no longer finds me sexually attractive. But he also said that he still finds me romantically attractive. I understand what it means to have romantic attraction towards someone, but how can he suggest to be only friends if there’s still romantic attraction to me?

  4. I have been very close friends with someone for almost three years. She has confessed her love for me and wants more than friendship. I love her as well, but its much more of a platonic love. I struggle with pursuing things with her... because I know how much her heart is in it and I just don't have that physical desire. But I do have the emotional one. And I DON'T want to hurt her. This is hard...

    1. I am madly in love with a great wonderful gal that I ended a relationship with of 7 years. I ended it because I had no physical attraction to her (nor ever else any other females) but i stayed with her for those years because unlike the other girls..(im physically attracted to men to be honest) she lit up a room with her presence (emotional/intellectual). She wanted sex but i was afraid what kids or the potential of that would mean for me. At the time I was very closeted about my attraction and desire and tried to proactively change or restrict my inclinations or physical noticings of other guys. Faces bodies etc as I thought it was possible to get rid of it. Now that i am out to her and we are over and I am with a physically beautiful man I also know I could love men. But I still think of her. I'm so split clearly emotionally and intellectual based attractions between men and woman. But i miss her. Its hard.....

      1. compromise !!! why don't you be with her romantically, share a bed (no sex) and when the need arises, you go out have sex with a guy and come back.

        Your heart and soul belongs to her !!
        Genitals are a very small (no pun intended) part of your overall soul, your mind, your affections.

        Why limit yourself? find a common ground and go with her.

  5. I was friends with my partner before we got together. One day we were hanging out and I thought I fancied him, gave him the eye, he liked me too and we begun a wonderful 4 year relationship. I have just ended the relationship because I felt the attraction had gone and I couldn’t get it back. I didn’t want to have sex with him, and that wasn’t fair on him. I wonder if we were always doomed to fail because for me, the attraction was never there when we were friends, so long term it wasn’t going to stay. He was a lovely guy, but I didn’t fancy him. I loved him as a friend, but not sexually. Maybe we were supposed to have 4 great years together and move on. I do want somebody I am attracted to and someone I want to have sex with.

  6. *It's like I found this person and traded sex for stability and conviance, instead of finding that middle ground where I get both. At the beginning of of relationship all I wanted was peace, and nothing else. Now I want and need more.
    *Why did I marry him then? For many reasons, but I didn't know who I was as a sexual being. I just did what I had always done with boyfriends, which is have sex with them when they wanted it and pretended to enjoy it much more than I did. Sex was never about me so I had Zero experience knowing what I liked.
    *I had developed as a woman over the years, and after healing my erotic impulses was more alive as I became a healthier version of myself, and it led me to want to explore that. some people might not understand what it's like to feel like your sexual self has to die in order to be with your husband and family in a traditional family structure. There are things that I want to explore, but he doesn't bring it out of me.
    * I like sex, and he was the person I was doing it with; but there was no chemistry, no passion, no desire. Love without lust is friendship.
    *I am terrified by the idea of our marriage ending but I am also terrified by the idea of continuing a marriage with a large piece missing. I feel stuck and don't know what to do for myself, my husband, and our future together. I don't wanna start over with anyone else. Am I asking too much to have the chemistry as well as the friendship? Am I better off being single, than being with the wrong man if it means being true to myself? Am I meant to be alone? Am I just a screw up?
    *When I met my husband I decided that I wanted to get my life together and that I had enough of un-healthy relationships. So I denied the feelings of my heart & my gut, because I lost trust in myself to make right decisions concerning men. So I made a logical decision instead.
    I'm digging deeper into myself than I ever have been. We did get married rather fast. We traveled, partied, went on multiple dates all in one year. Although we had a great time, somtimes busyness can destract you from seeing the red flags and staying true to yourself. The things I know about him now, I discovered our relationship started on secrets on his end. I never lied or held back anything from him since day 1. I was always transparent about what I wanted and how I felt about him, to just be friends.
    * That same gut feeling is coming back to hunt me now, because it feels like we're just 2 roommates trying to make life work. I'm at peace with my husband because he's loyal. I don't have to worry about him cheating, he also uplifts & motivates me. But can our love for each other and having peace be enough for me? I've gotten a taste of what it's like to have chemistry with someone. When Chemistry is involved you feel ALIVE! I've never felt that with any man. Do I sacrifice that, just to have peace? Well..... I want it all, but I know we live in an imperfect world with imperfect people, so I guess I'm stuck. Did I marry him for the wrong reasons? I think every woman wants Love, stability, peace, and loyalty from a man. But it's rare to find someone who you have sexual chemistry with. Of course thoes types always seem to be a bad fit for you and it sucks. It's a requirement biblically and lawfully to have regular sex with your husband, but what happens when you're not attracted to him sexually? Some people would say it's shallow for only wanting to be with someone your attracted to, that a relationship can't be based off of sex, WHICH IS TRUE! but there has to be a balance some where. How do you have sex with your spouse when you're not attracted to them or do not have sexual chemistry with? I don't want to be thoes women who have felt this void for 10+ years, only to divorce anyway cause they couldn't keep living like that. Time is precious, and it's something that you don't get back once it's gone. I think we both deserve what we want and need in it's entirety. I really tried to convince myself that the sexual chemistry would come in time, but here we are 2 years later still dealing with sex problems and no chemistry. Honestly, I know I will never have that chemistry with my husband. He may not have that issue with me, but on my end it's not there. So am I living a lie in this marriage? My definition of a soul mate is being compatible in EVERY area, not some. Are we soul mates? I thought we were, but maybe I lied to myself, forcing something that was never supposed to be? This irritation that I have towards him now. Is resentment starting to show it's ugly head? Am I irritated with him because that void that is missing
    (Sexual Chemistry) is starting to scream louder than ever and want's to be released? Am I irritated because the very thing we avoided in the the beginning of our relationship (SEX) may be our down fall? Am I revisiting my gut that told me not to get involved with him like that in the beginning? This is bad and embarrassing. How do you tell your friends and family why your not happy? Most women would think I'm crazy for even having a thought of leaving him. I can't deny that he's a great man. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I Also can't deny what's not there. One of the most important things that holds a marriage together is missing. So you see, it's not all perfect.

    1. I feel like ur story just told my future!! The reality is, if I'm on this site, there is an issue. Its only been a few months but he's THE BEST man I've ever had!!! I'm just not sexually aroused by him... which is very concerning to me because I'm overly arousable, all the time! This is new and different and scares me. Every other guy that I had sexual compatibility and chemistry with was AWFUL! They cheat, lie, play games, don't want to commit, etc. I've been hurt soooo badly. So imagine meeting a man that's faithful, communicates, prays with you, totally supportive, successful in his business, and is well endowed with a good sex drive. I feel like I hit the jackpot!! So then what is wrong with me??! When we first met, I paid him no mind, he's not 'my type'. He was a friend of the family and simply hanging out on the boat one day, we started chatting. I had no spark then but he was mentally stimulating. Things progressed from there and I'm amazed he's real and exist and WANTS ONLY ME! I don't know what to do. I want to just turn 'the switch' on. Reading ur post scares me so badly cuz I've told myself to give it time. He's a sound decision. And like u, I didn't trust my own instincts and desires because I've led myself in horrible directions to end up hurt repeatedly. I've prayed so much to meet someone like him. He gives me security. He has no idea I feel like this. He thinks I don't physically respond to him well because we jus need to get used to each other. Excuse the detail, but my vagina has never needed an introduction, she just be ready to go on her own. Not now. And I don't know how to fix it. I try to romanticize about him, I try hard NOT to let other men enter my thoughts. I stare at him and find quirky things I adore. This may help a little but none of that is fixing it. Sigh...I just want to want him physically just as much as I do mentally.

  7. Hi. This topic is very interesting.I experienced it from a different angle. My ex-husband did not really have relationships with girls as he was very shy and I only had a few serious relationships before we met through my brother. We had an immediate, strong physical attraction and married after 9 months. We fell in love quickly and had started to have a strong emotional connection from the start. After our 2 boys were born things seemed to stop physically between us. Due to feeling rejected, I over ate and that made matters worse as he liked me being fit. This continued over many years and we made love only on our Anniversary, Christmas and our birthdays only to keep me happy.We continued to love each other and have a strong Soul mate relationship until after 18 years he realised he was a closet gay.During this time my self esteem as a woman was rock bottom as I am a very passionate person and liked having sex. He wanted to remain in the home but sleep apart like friends but I was unable to as I was still attracted to him.Now 12 years later we are friends and both single as neither of us have found that Emotional/mental connection with another. I had been interested in a guy, but he does not find me sexually attractive as I have struggled to lose the huge amount of weight I have gained but we have a strong emotional connection.I don't want to settle and working on my health and fitness as I have always been attracted to fit guys.My ex- husband finds men attractive but misses our connection too. We will always be Soul mates, hug each other and spend time talking and with our children but neither of us want to give up the dream of having the same connection we have with the passion we used to have with someone else.I think you need a healthy balance for a romantic relationship otherwise you are friends with benefits when the need arises.

  8. So I have been dating this boy online and before we were online friends. I have had 2 relationships (boyfriend and girlfriend) I had sexual attraction to them but in both cases the sexual attraction died based on their behaviors. I knew that I wanted someone that I could trust. I wanted someone that I can build and learn with. When we met online he was there for me more than any other person I ever been with. He didn't change on me. We were able to appreciate eachother and we started off as friends. I didnt have romantic feelings until he was in a different relationship that I knew wasn't good for him. I found that I loved him but didnt have all the attractions except for emotional and intellectual. I tried to have sexual relations with in my 2 previous relationships and could not. I knew that was something missing. Now that I am in this current relationship i have seen pictures of him and i have heard his voice and even though i dont have the attractions i want them with him because i believe he is worth it. I look at him not as one that I have to have a sexual relationship with him but I know he is someone I can build with. Being in relationship is not all about the sexuality yet it is important when it comes down to the what is the cause and why do you want it. If you dont have the reasons as the why you want it then I believe that you can't get both. We may be sexually driven but our actions now do impact the future of our relationships. Whether sexual or asexual you need to know yourself before you can give yourself away.

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