All romantic relationships take work and communication, but having your first lesbian relationship can have specific challenges and rewards.
While most lesbians can benefit from universal relationship advice, there are a few distinct differences and unique pieces of advice that are especially helpful for lesbian couples.
Keep reading to learn about the differences, challenges, and tips for a successful and healthy first lesbian relationship.
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The first thing to remember is that love is love. And every relationship experiences intimacy, communication, challenges, and celebrations.
Your first lesbian relationship is exciting! However, lesbians face different challenges and gifts that heterosexual relationships do not.
For example, you may notice that when you hold your girlfriend's hand in a restaurant or a movie theater, you get a lot more attention from people.
People are fascinated and can't take their eyes off the two women holding hands. Most people will be very supportive of you being out in public, and some may make rude remarks. This may be jarring because you didn't get that kind of attention in your typical "straight" relationship.
On a positive note, sex will likely be much easier to navigate. Both of you know female anatomy, and it will be wonderful and exciting to explore each other's bodies.
But don't forget that communication is still critical in any sexual relationship. Find out what your partner likes and doesn't like.
Although you may notice a few differences in your first lesbian relationship, don’t be scared. You'll need to communicate, listen, and take care of yourselves, just like in any other relationship.
Why do lesbians move so fast? One of the most common issues is that lesbians experience extreme highs at the beginning of their relationship.
A lesbian’s honeymoon phase is much more potent than a heterosexual relationship because women's brains are hard-wired for connection. Women's brains release a lot more oxytocin than men's brains do. Therefore, in a lesbian relationship, you get twice the oxytocin.
Perhaps you've heard of the U-haul lesbian joke? The joke is that lesbians bring a Uhaul on their first date, ready to move in. You may feel high on love the first few months with your new partner, but give yourself time to settle into your new relationship before moving in together.
During the honeymoon phase you don’t see anything wrong with your partner. It is easy to overlook their flaws. Red flags may not show up until a few months into the relationship. So, take your time, enjoy each other, and give it space.
It's important to know your needs in any relationship, but lesbian relationships can lose steam if you or your partner don't communicate your needs regularly.
For example, if you need one hour after work to yourself, make sure your partner knows this.
Here are a few helpful steps to communicate your needs in the relationship:
- Identify your needs
- Find the right time to talk to your partner
- Make sure to use I-statements
- Don't blame or criticize
Most girlfriends want their partners to feel loved by meeting their needs when they can. But it's hard to meet each other's needs if you don't communicate with each other.
The dreaded "lesbian death bed," or in other words, when lesbians stop having regular sex, is a concern for many lesbian couples.
According to Karen Blair, "only 15% of lesbian couples engage in sex more than twice a week, compared to 50% of other groups (straight or gay couples)."
However, it's important to note that lesbian couples tend to have longer-lasting sex than straight couples, lasting for an hour or more. This could be part of the reason lesbians don't have as frequent sexual encounters. However, your sex life frequency should be up to you and your partner.
Lesbians generally love all things love! They love romance and conversations about love. One way to create a connection in your new lesbian relationship is to have a conversation about each other's love languages.
There are five love languages in total. Once you learn your partner's love language, you can begin to sweep her off her feet in a way that she most responds to.
For example, if your partner's love language is receiving gifts and quality time, you can bring her her favorite perfume or flowers while having a romantic dinner together.
Or maybe your girlfriend's love language is physical touch. This is a great opportunity to reach over the table at dinner and grab her hand. These small gestures will go a long way to make your girlfriend feel loved and admired.
What’s the best lesbian sexless relationship advice? Keep having sex!
It’s important to have a conversation with your partner about sex and to make having sex a priority. Sex frequency varies between couples, so it all depends on you as a unique couple, but communicate regularly about both of your needs. That way, you ensure a healthy sex life.
In the beginning of a relationship, sex is exciting! However, it seems to drop off the longer you’re in a relationship. Don’t give up, though. Having sex is one of the main differences between a friendship and a relationship.
A healthy lesbian relationship requires healthy communication about sex. Keep the intimacy flowing. Having sex regularly helps to keep the spark alive.
Here are a few benefits of having sex:
- Opportunity to bond with your partner
- Feeling more secure in your relationship
- Chance to show affection and love
- Improved mood
- Stress relief
There are tons of reasons why sex is beneficial. But be patient with yourself and your partner while you figure out the right amount of sex for you both.
Let’s face it, we all make mistakes in relationships. And one of the keys to a beautiful relationship with your girlfriend is to learn to forgive when you or your partner messes up.
You are both two different people who may not always see eye to eye. That’s okay! Conflicts have the potential to help couples grow together.
However, it’s important to learn to forgive and let go. Here are a few suggestions to help you forgive:
- Be open to forgiveness
- Accept you may never understand the reason for their behavior
- Be patient with yourself. Sometimes it takes time to forgive
- Get professional help if you’re struggling to let go
“Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love.”― Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages
Most couples can benefit from therapy, including lesbian couples. Therapy is an effective way to learn better communication skills and emotional skills and talk about any difficulties in the relationship.
Therapy can help both individuals to learn how to have a healthy and successful relationship. Many professionals also specialize in sex therapy. If you find you’re having trouble in the bedroom, sex therapy is an excellent option.
Therapy may help you to eliminate the dreaded “lesbian death bed.” A healthy sex life is a big part of a healthy relationship.
It doesn't matter what type of relationship you are in; the more you pay attention to what you love about your girlfriend, the happier and more fulfilling it will be.
Make it a habit to think about all of her positive qualities. Is it her smile? Her laugh? The way she brings you tea in the morning?
John Gottman, a relationship expert, says, "focus on what you love about your partner, not on things you dislike.” Our minds are very repetitive. Whatever thoughts that we choose to focus on carry out and pulsate.
Whenever you notice a negative thought about your partner, purposely say or think about five positive thoughts. This will enhance and keep your relationship strong for many years to come!
Most lesbians love to process their feelings together, so communication is a wonderful skill two women can put to use.
There are so many ways to communicate! However, you may discover that you and your partner have certain areas in which you struggle to communicate effectively.
And just because women generally like talking doesn’t always mean they have the best skills in doing so. We can all benefit from improving our communication skills.
You can always reach out for outside help if you need to, but one of the first best steps to communicating better is to listen to your partner. It feels great to feel heard and validated.
If you don’t know where to begin, just start listening. Then the rest will come more easily.
When you begin dating someone, you want to spend a lot of time with them in the beginning.
However, it's important not to rely on this person to make you feel whole or complete. You may have a tough past, and you may be holding on to past traumas. It's your responsibility to get the help that you need outside of your relationship.
Don't rely fully on your partner to "heal" your trauma. Your relationship will thrive when both people take care of themselves. It's not your partner's job to fix you. It's your responsibility to heal yourself. It's a win-win when both partners take care of themselves.
Also, remember you "don't need someone to complete you. You are complete. You need someone to be complete with. That's the meaning of friendship and love."
Lesbians are prone to love addiction and codependency. When you love women, you want to spend as much time with them as possible. However, it’s important to create space in your relationship too.
It is healthy to have your own identity, hobbies, and interests outside of your relationship. It’s healthy and necessary for a happy relationship. Set boundaries around your personal time.
It can make all the difference when you both have your own time and space. It will also allow you both to miss each other. Missing each other makes reuniting at the end of the day so much more wonderful and exciting.
Having your first lesbian relationship is a fantastic opportunity to learn about yourself. Spend time with yourself processing your emotions and new experiences with your new lover.
You’ll likely learn a lot about your intimacy preferences and must-haves for your partnership. You may also learn about your triggers and what makes you angry.
These are great things to share with your partner because the better you know yourself, the easier it will be to communicate your needs in your relationship.
You can also read self-help books by other lesbian couples to help you grow and learn. Glennon Doyle, an author who discovered she was a lesbian later in life, has some great books and resources to help you navigate your first lesbian relationship.
She also has a podcast that she hosts with her wife Abby Wambach.
Unfortunately, many lesbian relationships end due to jealousy. Women worry not only about physical affairs but emotional affairs as well. Jealousy often shows up as insecurity, anger, and fear of abandonment.
In order to have a healthy long-term relationship, both you and your partner need to build your relationship on a solid ground of trust. You can do this by always being honest with each other.
Does your girlfriend still talk to her exes? Does it make you uncomfortable? Talk to your girlfriend about your feelings about this. To feel secure and confident in your relationship, you’ll both need to be on the same page about your friendships with exes.
However, if jealousy is ruining your well-being and making you feel crazy, you may need to seek out professional guidance to help you with your fear of abandonment and jealousy.
Like any relationship, communication is key. If you want to be a better lesbian lover, communicate with your partner. Ask her direction “how can I be a better lesbian lover for you?” She will give you the best answer because everyone is different. It’s important to find out what works for her. Listen to her answer with an open mind and heart, and you will automatically become a better lover.
There is no "one" way to save a lesbian relationship, but the first step is to ask yourself what's not working for you. Once you know what isn't working for you and your partner, you can then address the issues through open communication and listening.
The first step, especially if this is your first lesbian relationship, is to have patience and compassion towards yourself. It may feel new and awkward at first, but with time, you will get to know your partner and yourself more clearly and be able to communicate your needs in this new relationship.
Getting over your first lesbian love can be treacherous. Unfortunately, many of your straight friends may not understand what you are going through. Find some other gay friends who can help you feel less alone in your breakup. Also, make sure to delete your ex-lover on social media and from your phone. It won't help if you keep seeing her updates online all day. You need space from seeing her all the time.
Your first lesbian relationship can be a beautiful experience for both partners. Although all relationships have similarities, lesbians experience differences as well. Remember that all healthy relationships have challenges and celebrations.
Refer back to this article whenever you need some lesbian relationship advice. If you found this article helpful, please share it with a friend! And, in the comments, we’d love to hear about your first lesbian relationship.