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I Have A Boyfriend But I Like Another Guy: What Should I Do?

by Sonya Schwartz

Derrick and I had been high school sweethearts at North Western High, Rock Hill, South Carolina. Most days, we take the bus home together because he stays a few blocks away from my house. We were almost inseparable during our last senior year. We even applied to the same college so we didn’t have to deal with the distance. Now that we are in college, our love has grown stronger. It is our second year of dating and we hope to get married someday. We were going to get our fairy tale ending after college.

I was all Derrick until my English teacher introduced a transfer student, Kyle, who had just moved to South Carolina, to the class. He had come from Charleston. He was blonde and tall and cute. I took an instant liking. I thought about what it would feel like kissing him. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I mean, I had a boyfriend whom I loved so much. Why was I feeling this much attraction to another guy?

I stomped on the thought as hard as I could but I found that days after Kyle was introduced to the class, I still liked him. My feelings for him were increasing. It also didn’t help that we had English class together almost all the time. It didn’t in any way reduce the love I had for Derrick but I knew I felt something for Kyle. I kept it to myself but I felt horrible. I kept wondering how it was possible to have a boyfriend and still like another guy. Was I already cheating?

We don’t have total control over who we have feelings for, but I understand that the thought makes you feel terrible like you’re already cheating on your partner. YOU NEED TO RELAX and ask yourself if you are being too hard on yourself or not.

Professor David P. Barash, author of Out of Eden: The Surprising consequences of polygamy, is of the opinion that human beings are polygamous in nature. Therefore, cheating comes naturally until you have made the decision not to cheat. Research has shown that  50 percent of those in relationships have feelings for others.

It is perfectly normal to feel attracted to people. You aren’t immune to finding people attractive just because you’re in a relationship. If you are human, that is. And I would like to think that you, reading this article, are human too. My point is, crushes are normal and don’t have to mean anything. Having a crush while in a relationship is bad only when you:

  • ​Allow it determine how you treat your partner
  • ​Nurture it instead of nipping it in the bud
  • ​Act on it

​Act on it

How can you deal with liking another guy when you have a boyfriend? This article will identify things you ought to do and what you should not do.

Well, to know what you should do you should ask yourself the following questions first:

  • ​Is your relationship a serious one?
  • ​Do you need a break?
  • ​Does this happen often?
  • ​What are your expectations for your relationship?
  • ​Are you happy?
  • ​Do you prefer your current relationship to the one you think you can have with the new guy?
  • ​What do you not like about your current relationship?
  • ​Can you live without your partner?
  • ​Is it really love you’re feeling?
  • ​Is it worth it?
  • ​Will it yield sadness and hurt?

​I think if you can answer these questions honestly, then you will know what you should do whenever you find yourself in this situation.

What you should NOT do

Don’t flirt intentionally

​Flirting intentionally would mean you have set out to cheat on your boyfriend. Although flirting is not outright cheating, it won’t be long until it becomes so. A woman who is really in love with her partner will not flirt with another man unless love is lacking in her current relationship or she’s lacking some sort of care and affection

​Don’t hide it from your significant other

​If you have a crush on someone other than your significant other and you hide it, chances are you might act on it and when your partner finds out, it is most definitely the end of the relationship.  The worse thing you can do is keep it from your boyfriend and if you feel like its getting in the way, be honest for his sake and yours.

Don’t cheat

As pressured as you might feel, do not cheat on your boyfriend. I would have to lay extra emphasis on this point. If you are no longer interested in having a relationship with your boyfriend, do him a favor and dump him. Don’t string two guys along. Doing that will make you selfish and you may end up losing both of them in the end.

​Here is what you should do instead:

Clarify what you are feeling

Clarify what you are feeling

How to Talk Dirty to My Boyfriend Examples

​Feelings of infatuation may look like real love from the start so there is need to clarify what you are really feeling. Do you feel like you love the other guy more than you love your boyfriend? If you don’t, then it is a phase which will pass with time and an effort to stay faithful to your boyfriend. However, If you do, then it means you might have fallen out of love with your boyfriend and you need to start figuring out what you have to do about the relationship. If and when you decide you should be with the new guy, you have to make a clean break from your boyfriend first. Ending things with him at this point will save you both a whole lot of time and heartbreak.

​Imagine breaking up with your boyfriend

​Try to picture yourself breaking up with your boyfriend. Do you feel relieved? Or do you feel like you are going to be miserable? How you feel about your boyfriend can be a pointer to whether you need to leave the relationship or stick to it. If you feel relieved to put an end to the relationship, then you are just wasting precious time with him. On the other hand, if you feel miserable at the thought of losing your boyfriend, then you are in the right relationship and your crush is just temporary.

​Make up your mind

​Cheating when you are in a relationship with someone is about the worst thing you can ever do to your partner. Apart from the fact that it destroys the relationship, it makes it difficult for the partner that is cheated on to trust fully in subsequent relationships. It is better to break up with your partner and go for the new guy if you feel that’s what’s best for you, than being with your boyfriend and cheating with someone else. So, if you have to break up please do.

​Be realistic

​Emotional attachment is often the result when two people are within close range over time. Is this new guy a colleague at work whom you have spent time with? Is it really love you are feeling? Do you really see yourself with this new guy you’re crushing on? Are you compatible? What are the signs that say you are? Is the feeling of love mutual between you both or is just on your end? You have to be realistic about these things so you don’t make decisions you will end up regretting. Whatever you realize from your findings will determine if you need to act on your crush or not.

​Think about staying

​Things could change for the better if you really think about staying with your partner. Thinking about it gives room for analyzing what exactly has gone wrong in your relationship. This could lead to discovering the problem and finding a solution. For instance, if you feel that you are having a crush on someone else because your relationship has become boring, you could think of ways to reignite the passion in your relationship. Go out on dates and do the things you used to do(that brought you together in the first place). Try to make the relationship work again.

​Communicate

Communicate

Talk Dirty to Your Boyfriend

​Honesty is the best thing you can gift your partner at this point in time. It  may sound crazy but it’s the right thing to do. Talking to your partner about it actually shows that you don’t intend to cheat. It may sound weird but you can tell him those things you find attractive about the new guy and find ways to incorporate it into your relationship. He may not take it well at first but with time he will. If he wants things to work, he might want to recommit to you and the relationship. If the new guy makes you feel all hot and bothered, then I guess its time for you to get closer to your boyfriend. How much you communicate with your partner determines how well your relationship with each other fares. The saying “proper communication is key to having proper , healthy relationships” is not popular for nothing.

Spend less time alone with your crush

​While having feelings for someone else while you have a lover is inevitable, you as a person have to make efforts to avoid cheating if you are happy in your relationship but you feel like you might act on your crush. Do not put yourself in positions where its easy to cheat if you can avoid it. For instance, if it’s your study partner that you are getting the butterflies for, you could switch partners or invite someone else to read with both of you. That way you guys have no privacy for whatsoever to happen.

You may also be interested in: 3 Easy Ways to Find Out If He's Cheating On You

​Don’t be hard on yourself

​You feel terrible about having feelings for someone else while you are in a relationship, yes, but that does not make you less of a good person than you are. Cut yourself some slack because it could literally happen to anyone. Most times we don’t decide what happens within our minds and bodies. Or hormones get the best of us so don’t be quick to judge or look down on yourself for finding someone other than your boyfriend attractive. It just goes to show that the new guy must really look good and you are able to notice it as the human that you are.

​Expect anything

​Issues like this in the relationship could blow up and yield anything. You could either stick to your boyfriend and continue your relationship, or you get attached to the new guy, or you lose them both. If you stick to your boyfriend then fine, but if you end up single again, it is not the end of the world. It’s probably the time to switch to self-discovery mode. Don’t get depressed, it might be that you weren’t destined for either of them. Focus on yourself and brace yourself for better experiences.

Conclusion

Liking someone else at the same time you are in love with your boyfriend is inevitable. But as long as you do what is right by your partner and aren’t intentionally flirting after other guys, then the crush can just remain what it is, a crush. Flirting is dangerous as it can lead you want more which in turn leads you to cheat.

​The key however, to coming out of this situation unscathed in your relationship is COMMUNICATION. Talk to your significant other about what you feel and seek ways of making your relationship work, together.  You can go for a weekend together, plan romantic dinners and have time away from other people to reassure yourselves.

On the other hand, if what you feel is more than a crush, and that the spark in your relationship is gone, be open to your partner and decide what is best for you.

Can a relationship ever survive this situation?

Share your thoughts with us in the comments below, and share to your loved ones and friends if you found this article helpful!

You may also be interested in: 3 Easy Ways to Find Out If He's Cheating On You

Sonya Schwartz
A hopeless romantic that struggled for many years to find her Mr "Right" and made all the mistakes you could think of while dating. Known for always choosing the wrong guys or messing up relationships, Sonya was finally able to change her approach and mindset when it came to dating which helped her eventually find the man of her dreams and become happily married. You can read more about me here...

9 comments on “I Have A Boyfriend But I Like Another Guy: What Should I Do?”

  1. I have a boyfriend and I really like him but I am starting to like someone else. I feel like maybe I should tell my crush and make sure nothing can happen. What should I do?

  2. that is literally what is happening to me I really like my boyfriend but I'm just starting to like someone else. I've told my crush that I like someone else that is not my boyfriend and he helped me out on what to do but he doesn't know he was on about himself. Me and my crush flirt here and there I told him I have a boyfriend and he respected that but he still flirts with my but very little now. I just don't know what to do because I really really like my boyfriend and I can't imagine not being together but with this other guy he makes me so happy already and we've only known each other for 2 days. what do I do?

    1. I had the same situation with my bf a year ago. But me and my crush almost cross a line. And he was a really good genuine guy. So he stopped flirting entirely and kinda avoided me. In the beginning that really hurts me, but i know it was the good thing to do. I could focus on my relationship and we are still together.

    2. I have the same situation. I feel terrible and guilty at this part. My boyfriend knows about it because i told him yet he continues to stay patient and puts effort in understanding me and the thing with the new guy. As a result, its wielding more guilt from me. It really is a difficult thing for me. I worry about my boyfriend as he have some issues himself. Countless times, I attempted to break it with him not because of this crush issue but the underlying issues we had before. But it really is my doing, of all the fights and arguments just because i cant control my temper and all, I have less patience unlike him. I badly wanna fix our relationship but due to this quarantine thing, i cant do so.Maybe boredom from our on and off relationship pushed me to buy myself some free time with this another guy. We talked and this guy knows the troubled relationship I have with my boyfriend yet he still continue to compliment and open up life/deep talks. He even wished my boyfriend and I could settle it. But his character is really taking over me, I am attracted. The more I stop myself from it, the more I want to know more about this new guy....

      I really want both of us to do ourselves favor going to self-discovery mode. But Im having trouble expressing it because my boyfriend doesnt approve of breaking our relationship. I cant even describe what I am going through. Im going crazy, i cant think straight anymore.....

  3. this is my problem i love my boyfriend but were long distance not too far away like 9 hours and 39 mins away from each other and we don’t see each other ever since i moved and i go to a different school and i met this guy hes nice and all i dont know what to do

  4. I’m in a similar situation. One of my good friends of a few years is in college now, (and we both know that we like/liked each other). But after he left to college I got a boyfriend. And now he’s going to be visiting soon and wants to see me, and he doesn’t know I’m dating someone now. The problem is that I would have been with him but I decided not to say anything since he’s far away and the long distance-relationship would have been too much. I still like him and always have but I love my current boyfriend, (who I’ve also known for years before we dated) What do I do?

  5. I am in a loving relationship of almost two years and I just met this guy in college and now all I can think about is him. I love my boyfriend so much but I’ve been craving the attention from this new guy more often than that of my boyfriend’s. I don’t know what to do, I want both but I cannot have both.

  6. ...I've been in a relationship over the last 10 years with a guy I fell deeply in love with after getting to know over the course of a year in college. We were very close friends.

    It was our last year in college, so everything was changing. When we made love it felt like the heavens opened up, as if we both found what we were searching for all those years of unfulfilling (but necessary) relationships. For the last ten years we've been through everything. And still are madly in love (when we're getting along that is). BUT - I have had feelings for other people. Which is very natural, and him and I have always been able to talk about it, laugh about it. We dont give specifics, but we have dialogues on how its natural. We've never cheated on one another. We've separated a few times, but always end up back together. I really adore him. But we have weeks at a time (every other month) where we do not get along at all. This started a few years back.

    More context: we are both artists, 2 people who require quiet time, and space. So it's nice to be with someone who understands that. Nothing worse than a needy partner who doesn't understand the space thing.

    ...at this point we have mastered how to really help one another in times of need -emotionally, and, it was always there...just took the years to make sense of how we both work. Especially with the bullshit that happens in life.

    Big downside: Im the responsible one, he is the one with his head in the clouds. The first few years of our relationship, we were both the wild wanderers with our head in the clouds, exploring the world and taking chances. But, we're not in our 20's anymore...and its hard to connect with someone who wants to play all the time and not have responsibilities...the two of us have different perspectives when it comes to finances, community, careers, friend groups...its complicated. I do have feelings for someone outside of the relationship (for the 3rd time)...and its rough...because I do feel that this OTHER guy is a much better match. Our life goals, our interests, everything lines up. Well, not EVERYTHING (as we're not "involved"), but the elements that match up are the elements that don't match up with my current 10 year partner.

    Im looking for what I can't find in my relationship, with someone else. And why does that always turn into a romantic kinda feeling...well its almost unavoidable. Its that fantasy of wanting it all with one person.

    I want a relationship with an adult...and I feel that my current partner meets my needs only sexually and creatively. Everything else is kind of a mess. Im grateful for what I've got...but Im worried...

    Guess you can say that I could make it work with this other guy, who I am infatuated with, but what if he isn't a great lover, and isn't a wild + creative soul like the man I have now? Yes, I've asked myself these questions a million times.

    You can't have it all....but I am worried about my future with a partner who can't see the importance of preparing for life itself....such as the partner I have been with all these years. Sometimes I feel that Im wasting my time with him at this point, even though I deeply adore him. It just doesn't seem like a smart decision to stay.

    Other issues: he doesn't want to work a job anymore (this started a few years back), he doesn't want to commit to any plans, he breaks plans ("forgets"), puts things on a pedastool like social media + making art yet important things like remembering to do his part (pick up toilet paper, food, toiletries, pay bills, clean, talk about plans/changes) only happens when a lot of time passes, and I have to bring it up -but he is never in "the mood" to talk about it. Then as more time passes, I end up taking care of it myself, whence he guilt trips me with "you're always one step ahead of me". Its confusing. I feel that I have been patient and understanding, but its almost as if he is a teenager trying to avoid life. Its strange, love...to watch the man that has been my guide, my lover, and my best friend become someone who doesn't want to live in reality anymore.

    The answer seems easy Im sure. Let it go, and don't get back together.

    The problems is kinda hilarious....because all of the other men in my life that I know (friends over the last few years), they all have stable jobs, their own places, take care of their lives, and are inspiring. I have come to the conclusion that I am attached to my lover in a way that may not be beneficial for my future, and it makes me sad obviously....but its all about what one chooses at this point. So I can either stop complaining and do something about it and stick to my plans, or stay with the man who yes, does make me very happy on certain levels....I just hate that I keep meeting men who I find would be a better match. YET, when this happened in the past...when I make it known that I am interested in these other men, they always refuse my advancement...yet later down the line when we're hanging out as friends they admit that they were hot for me, but that they were scared of losing the friendship...stating that relationships ruin deep friendships....which says a lot about their perspective on love- so maybe best it didnt work out!?

    Point and case -Im infatuated with a man who is amazing. I get so nervous around him, even though I've known him for a few years. He is highly intelligent, has his life together, and I can't stop thinking about the possibilities.

    Someone throw me a bone here. And yes, I have a therapist.

    End of transmission -

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