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Why Can’t I Find Love (13 Things That Could Be Holding You Back)

by Sonya Schwartz

So many of us are looking for love and want to start a serious relationship with someone that we care about very deeply. However, just because we want to find someone to love, it does not necessarily happen easily for many people. In fact, so many, talk of their love life in troubling words and tones. 

Here, in this article, we look at answering why you may not have been able to find love in the past so that you improve your chances of falling head over heels with someone who is your true love. We’ve come up with 13 reasons that may have been inadvertently holding you back from being successful in the dating world. In doing so, we also then address what you can do when you can’t find love and how to improve your chances on the dating scene in the future. 

13 Reasons You May Not Find Love

1. Lack of Self Confidence

So often, one of the most common issues for why people can’t find love is because they don’t have confidence in themselves as a person. It is imperative to improve your self-confidence if you stand any chance of starting a relationship with another human being in the future. The reason being is that confidence makes you stand out of the crowd so that people take interest in you. If you are shy or simply don’t like yourself, this comes across so that you relay negative feelings onto others.

Those negative feelings are huge turn-offs for many people so that you are instantly putting yourself at a disadvantage to finding love. Look at your life and how you think about yourself. Do something that makes you feel like you are worthwhile and happy in who you are as a person. If there is something you don’t like, see if you can actively change it so that you can improve your life to something that you are proud of. 

This will help you create positive energy that is incredibly attractive to others and almost magnetic in its pull. It will help you find love a lot more easily and a lot more quickly. 

2. Not looking in the right places

Those who often complain that they cannot find love do so without taking ownership of their part in the process of finding love. Love doesn’t necessarily always just fall into your lap. Instead, you have to actively go out and find it without taking an easy route. This easy route often will mean looking for love in the wrong places. Remember that if you have not been successful in starting partnerships with a loved one yet in your life, then the process that you have gone through in the past that you thought would lead to a meaningful relationship has not worked. 

Bearing that in mind, it can help if you change your approach to where you physically look for love. While some great love stories occur due to chance meetings and chance introductions, often people meet in far less romantic ways. Either through work or through dating websites. In fact, if you have not tried a dating website before, now may be a good time to try. If you have and none of your attempts have transpired into any deep feelings for another person, then perhaps try a different site - or even update your profile to look for different types of partners. 

3. Not breaking habits

Not breaking habits

In the same vein as not looking for love in the right places, many people who are not in a relationship but want to be, are often guilty of not breaking habits that inhibit their chances of finding love. Bad habits can affect all parts of our romantic life in so many ways. We need to take ownership of these habits by taking a good hard look at what we are doing in our lives that is impeding our ability to fall in love. From there, we need to address those habits and do some work on trying to break them. For example, when you go out looking for dates, do you go with a friend who constantly talks over you? Or perhaps, do you automatically assume that all the guys or women in a room are not attracted to you? 

Addressing these habits can take a fair bit of time as habits are notoriously hard to break - especially ones that we have not been aware of in the past. However, once you have highlighted them, at least you can start turning the tide of luck when it comes to your romantic life. 

4. Crushing on the wrong people

Absolutely everyone in the world has been guilty of crushing on the wrong people in the past. However, not everyone in the world is guilty of continuously doing it. If you crush on the wrong people in your life it can really get in the way of your attempts to fall in love. The reason being is that sometimes we think we should be attracted to a certain type of person or that we will only be happy in a relationship with people of whom we have an idealized view. This can mean we never move on from a crush of one particular person, or we seem to always focus on attaining one particular type of person. 

However, if you have not been in a loving relationship with any of those men or women, it goes to show that there is good evidence that that type of person is not a good fit for you. Bearing this in mind, be aware that crushing on a particular type is just another bad habit that you have got into. It could also be one of the major issues that none of your relationships have ever materialized into true love. Try looking for different men or women that could be a partner for you and you may be surprised at what the results are. 

5. Setting expectations too high

One way of inhibiting our chances of finding love is by setting our expectations unnecessarily high. So many of us set love up on a pedestal and as a result, the people that we try to fall in love with will always end up failing to meet our expectations. Relationships will always be with fellow humans that will always have their foibles and bad points that may irritate or hurt you at some point during your partnership. You need to be aware of them as well as being forgiving of them so that you can have a lasting relationship that goes into the future. 

From the outset, therefore, while you should never settle, you do need to find a balance of whether you are simply being too unfair on the person with whom you are trying to have a relationship. Remember that they are human and therefore fallible, but that should not get in the way of your future together. 

6. Still obsessed with an ex

One of the biggest reasons that people can’t fall in love is that they are still into someone else. This immediately will always set you up for failure if you are out there dating or trying to find love. It is impossible to be in a healthy relationship with anyone when you are still constantly thinking of another person that you may have been with or may simply have had a crush on. 

The reason being is that you will be setting your expectations too high again and in an idealized way that means anyone you do meet will never be able to meet your standards. If you are still obsessed with an ex, the likelihood is that you are looking back on your relationship with rose-tinted glasses and this has the implication that prospective lovers will never look as good to you as your ex does. If you never had a relationship with a person you are crushing on still, the result is still the same. You are likely to be looking at that crush with rose-tinted glasses and not taking into account their bad points. If you do, you are much more capable of moving on from that crush so that you can successfully date others in the future. 

7. Unwilling to try new things

One of the key ways that you can help yourself fall in love is to open yourself up to new things. In doing so you put yourself in a new place or in new situations that will actively improve your chances of finding love. This is because you are simply exposing yourself to meeting more and more men or women. This is great for falling in love as it means that you have given yourself more opportunities to meet possible dates that can then in turn be the start of a meaningful relationship. 

Talk to friends about starting new hobbies with them or tell them you are open to dating acquaintances of theirs on blind dates. It can be a great way of putting yourself out there and experimenting with types of people who could end up being your perfect partner - even if initially you would have thought that a relationship would never have been on the cards with them. 

Plus, putting yourself into new situations and trying new things is also a really good way of improving your self-confidence and changing your perspective on a lie a little. You will learn new things about your character that can then help you in your love life by changing how you view dates and how you approach them. It’s important to remember that your past attempts at trying to fall in love have not worked so far so that a shift in perspective can be a good way of improving your chances in the future. 

8. Go for the wrong people

In addition to still being obsessed with an ex, something that so many people are guilty of when it comes to relationships is that they go for the wrong prospective partners. So when you are asking yourself why can’t I find someone to love, ask yourself who the men or women have been in the past that you thought you could love. The chances are that the men or women you are going for are in some way fundamentally wrong for you.

This doesn’t have to be the stark examples of finding love in the wrong places like you see in the movies. There will most likely not be a stereotypical bad guy for whom you fall over and over again. Instead, you may just be going for a guy or woman that is emotionally unavailable due to the time of their life being wrong for a relationship or the fact that they are the type of person who is not into having a relationship. 

Try to break this chain if you can - and as quickly as you can too. The reason that some people find love more easily than others is simply that, they go for those that want to be in a relationship too. It can be hard to know the difference, but if you are aware of it from the outset, you will be putting yourself in the best position to fall in love at the very least. 

9. You are afraid of getting hurt

Of course, it could be that you have a very active dating life and that you are meeting lots of fantastic prospective men and women who could make fantastic life partners. However, the reason that none of these dates transpire into anything else and the reason that you can’t fall in love is the fact that you stop yourself short of really opening yourself up to a relationship with the guy or women you are dating. 

The reason for that could be that you are afraid of getting hurt and you actually, however subconsciously, stop things from getting too serious so that you do not get hurt in the future. This is actually a very common thing for men and women to do and it can really inhibit your chances of finding true love. It stops you from opening yourself up to a person and laying your heart bear for them. This is necessary when you want to fall in love with someone and move on from just being friends. You need to be able to be vulnerable in front of them so that you then learn that they will never try to hurt you or break your heart. 

10. You’re not actively seeking it

You’re not actively seeking it

While matters of love cannot be forced or rushed, there are ways to help yourself find it more easily too. One reason that that special someone has not turned up in your life yet could be because you are not actually actively seeking it. While you could want it more than anything in the world, love just won’t come knocking on your door. You need to be looking in the right place and putting yourself out there for someone else to meet you. 

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If you are simply staying at home hoping that you will one day fall in love, this could be seriously impeding your chances of finding it. Instead, ask friends to set you up on those all-important dates or go out to a new place you have not tried before as a way to meet others. Those places don’t necessarily have to be bars or nightclubs that usually spring to mind when going out to find prospective dates. Instead, try signing up for a fitness class or some sort of new hobby. You may be pleasantly surprised at what or who you find there. 

11. You’re too critical of yourself

One reason that some people fall into the trap of not actively seeking love is that they lack the aforementioned confidence to go out and meet others. However, this can then descend into a perpetual cycle and eventually you start to be far too critical of yourself. It can mean that you don’t even try to put yourself forward as a date for someone that you actually find very attractive. 

Some of us just assume that a person that we think is dreamy just won’t be interested in us at all. We can palm them off with an ‘oh but he would never be interested in a person like me’ or ‘she would never look my way’. But how do you know unless you try? Be kind to yourself and remember that you are a highly likable person with lots of good traits. 

12. You put too much pressure on finding it

While it is necessary to take a proactive approach to find love, it is important not to put too much pressure on yourself to find true love with someone above all other things in your life. The reason being is that you will naturally start setting those expectations too high, which we have previously mentioned make finding love that much more difficult to do. 

Additionally, pressure can sometimes be quite crippling in how we cope with situations - in all aspects of our lives, including our love lives. 

13. You are overly romantic

While we should never settle in our love lives - if it’s not right, it’s not right - we can also be guilty of having an overly romantic view of things which can really inhibit our chances of success. Love is not all about candlelit dinners and romantic walks. Instead, love is about real life and how you can fit your needs in and around your relationship. Your special someone may not be a romantic person and so your relationship with them may always be filled with gifts and flowers. Try to remember that when out on a date with someone who otherwise ticks all your boxes, but otherwise is not quite meeting your overly romantic view of what a relationship should be. 

What To Do When You Can't Find Love?

Perhaps the best thing you can do when you can’t find love is to change your approach and perspective on finding it. The reason being is that if you have been unlucky in love in the past, these two things could have seriously impacted your ability to be in a successful relationship. While it could have been that in the past your partner has cheated on you or broken up with you for reasons you didn't fully understand, if this has happened to you repeatedly, the problem could be the types of people you are choosing to start relationships with. 

Bearing this in mind, you fundamentally need to change how you approach your dates, the type of person you date, and how you view relationships. This is why in many of our reasons stated above, we talked about, not setting our expectations too high so that they always end up in failure. In doing so you will always be setting yourself up for a fall. Instead, change your perspective and stop putting pressure on yourself to find love. Often, when you lighten up about things and also start liking yourself more, love will often find a way of coming into your life. 

FAQs

What to do when you can't find love?

There are a couple of things you can do when you can’t find love. Firstly, you need to stop fixating on it. By fixating on it, you are always setting yourself up for a fall. Secondly, you need to make sure that you love yourself before you can expect anyone else to do the same. 

What happens if you never find love?

Just because you never find love, doesn’t mean you can’t lead a fulfilling life. While you may not have a long term partner, you can still date, go on amazing adventures, and most of all - you can put yourself first in every decision you have to make for your future. 

Why is it so easy for some to find love?

While it may look like it is easy for some people to find love, the reality is that they have just been lucky as well as probably in the right headspace to find love in the first place. This is where not fixating on it is important - if you do it becomes a much bigger issue than it is. 

Why does no one want to date me?

It may feel to you that not one person wants to date you, but the reality of the situation is that everyone is dateable. There is someone for everyone out there, you just haven't been asked out by the people you want to be asked out by. Try looking in different places for men and women to date - you may be surprised. 

Why is finding love so difficult?

Love is a complicated emotion so it naturally follows that finding love is difficult. Additionally, when you put pressure on yourself to find it, it then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that you find it trickier to find someone with whom to have a meaningful relationship. 

Will I Ever Find Love? - Conclusion

So many of us identify ourselves as someone who is unlucky in love and yet so many of us stop there at identifying the reasons as to why that can be. Yet the above reasons are so common to anyone who has found falling in love incredibly difficult in the past. It is possible for anyone to find love, even if they are someone that has previously had many disasters and never been in a meaningful relationship before. It just needs a positive and proactive attitude that addresses problems of the past and ensures that those problems do not cause issues again in the future. 

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Sonya Schwartz
A hopeless romantic that struggled for many years to find her Mr "Right" and made all the mistakes you could think of while dating. Known for always choosing the wrong guys or messing up relationships, Sonya was finally able to change her approach and mindset when it came to dating which helped her eventually find the man of her dreams and become happily married. You can read more about me here...

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