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What to Do When a Man Blows Hot and Cold (4 Things To Try)

by Olivia Surtees

Is your romantic interest blowing hot and cold?

Does it feel like sometimes he likes you and other times he couldn’t care less? 

Perhaps you’re wondering how to make him like you more? 

If so, you’re in the right place. This article explains what to do in this situation.

However, before we dive into this guide, I have some important information that it’s important for you to take note of. 

There is a little-known aspect of male psychology, which has a huge impact on how he feels about the women in his life. 

When triggered, this primal instinct can release intense feelings of power, purpose and pride inside a man. Naturally, he becomes more affectionate and devoted to a woman who makes him feel this way.

Before learning about this psychological trigger, I struggled to create deep loving relationships with men. Now, it’s so much easier (read my personal story to learn how I turned things around).

This is a simple skill to master, once you know how. Yet, so few people seem to know about it. 

So, if you’re looking for more fulfilling relationships, I invite you to learn how I discovered the power of the ‘Hero’s Instinct’. 

Below, we have listed some more expert tips for how to deal with a man who blows hot and cold. 

Are you being used or is he confused?

One of the most important things to address first is the fact that he could be using you. It’s time to figure out if you’re being used or he is confused.

When does he blow hot and when does he go cold? You need to think about the times when his attitude toward you has changed significantly. If he is using you, he will be really interested in you before he sleeps with you, and then when he gets his sexual fulfillment from you he will go cold. Is this what’s happening to you? If so, you don’t need to read any further, you just need to cut all ties with this guy straight away. He doesn’t deserve you or your time.

If he is genuinely interested in you but confused, it won’t really make a difference what happens between you, there will be no definitive actions that make him blow hot or go cold. It’s more random because it is all in his own mind. 

Why are you interested in someone that blows hot and cold?

This is less of a personal question about why you’re interested in this particular guy, but more of a general question about why people are interested in those who blow hot and cold towards us. I guarantee there are lots of men out there that would be extremely interested in you, constantly. So why do you decide to stick with the man that’s showing you such mixed and confusing emotions?

This is a classic case of us, as humans, always wanting what we can’t have. Even if this guy isn’t doing it on purpose, he is playing hard to get. When he ignores you or shows less interest in you, you want him more. Then, when he finally shows some interest in you, you feel it more intensely than ever before. His attention is like a reward. It’s a strange phenomenon, but aren’t all human emotions, especially when it comes to love?

Four things you can try to make your man always interested in you.

1. Mirror him and go cold too.

This is the best thing you can do, hence the reason I have put this point first. Everything else will follow on from this. Therefore, even though you might feel upset and lost every time he goes cold on you, you need to do the same to him. He’s acting cold? Mirror him. He will realize that it isn’t affecting you anymore when he goes cold on you, and he might start to panic that you don’t have the same feelings for him anymore. You can even carry on being cold to him for a while when he comes back and seems interested in you. You can show him how it feels to be on the receiving end of his crazy mood swings. 

Also, walking away from someone actually makes them want you more. Like I mentioned earlier, you always want what you can’t have, so be what he can’t have. If he really is interested in you, he will start pining for you and come back to you, running. Obviously, if he has then been giving you lots of attention and commitment for a while, it’s then time for you to drop the act of being hard to get. He will have learned his lesson and won’t do it again.

Here are a few ways in which you can show him how it feels, and walk away from him for a little while:

Show him that you are capable of living your best life without him.

One of the easiest ways to play hard to get is to just get on with your life like you were before you ever knew him. Enjoy spending a little bit of extra time with your loved ones. Focus on your favorite hobby and do it more often. You need to show him that you are so busy, you are unable to even think about him. It shows that you are unbothered by him.

Text him back slower or ignore him.

Slow down your replying when he sends you a message, and don’t always answer the phone when he calls. The aim is to show him that your life doesn’t revolve around him, so don’t let it. Show him that you are unavailable to talk to him because you’re having too much fun living your best life without him there.

Tune down your presence on social media.

You want to come across as a mystery to him. He shouldn’t know what you are up to, so don’t give him the satisfaction of letting him see. Post less on your social media accounts and definitely don’t like or comment on any of his posts.

2. Don’t react too much when he comes back to you but reward him subtly.

When your man goes cold on you, you obviously need to keep calm and act like it hasn’t affected you. We will talk about this in more detail later on. Just as important as this though is the fact that when he comes back you need to stay equally as calm. Don’t rush to him and show him how happy you are that he is back and interested in you, otherwise, he will know how much he has affected you. This is the opposite of what you want to. You need to act normal. Don’t be over the top with your joy but remain happy and calm. Don’t even mention the cold phase to him, you want to pretend like you didn’t even notice it. Then, he might stop doing the cold phase because he knows that it doesn’t work. 

However, you can positively reward him in a subtle way for coming back to you. Don’t do this as soon as he comes back, because then he will leave again. Reward him in the middle of a hot phase, so he knows that the more he stays in the hot phase, the more rewards he can get. He won’t even realize that you are rewarding him, but his subconscious will and won’t want to go back into a cold stage with no reward.

You may also be interested in: 3 Easy Ways to Find Out If He's Cheating On You

The reward that you give to him could be anything that you know he wants or likes, but it has to be subtle. For example, has he been telling you about one of his biggest fantasies in the bedroom? This is a great idea to reward him because you have just spiced up the act of sex, which you were going to do anyway. 

3. Don’t get angry at him when he blows cold.

When he goes cold, you need to not react. I know that this might be really difficult to do because it will have probably really affected you, but it’s essential that you don’t show him any reaction. If you get angry at him and start questioning why he has lost interest in you, he will see that you are affected by him going cold on you. Even if you aren’t giving him any positive communication, you are still communicating with him and he will know that he has triggered you. He will also know that you clearly have feelings for him, and this might have been what he was looking for all along.

You need to keep your cool. Like I spoke about in the first point, you need to show him that you are just too busy to be affected by his actions, so make sure that this is the front you are showing to him. If he sees that he has no effect on you, then his subconscious will start to go cold less often.

Make sure you are keeping track of your own emotions and feelings when he goes cold on you.

I just need to add in, that it is really unhealthy for us to be completely affected by other people and their emotions, so you need to make sure you don’t get overly angry or upset, for yourself. When your man is going through one of his cold phases, it might be a really useful idea to keep track of your emotions. If you are heavily influenced by him, you might get dragged down by him and your emotions might reflect strong how they treat you. When the person you are interested in goes cold on you, it can really affect your self-worth. It is therefore really useful to ensure that during these times you are surrounded by a strong group of friends and family that love you. You might also find it helpful to use a journal. Journaling will help you to keep a check on your emotions and can help you to express them fully.

If you notice that the majority of your thoughts are centered around this person and the way they treat you is taking control of your emotions, it might be a good idea to think about not only ending things with them but also going and seeking professional counseling to build your self-esteem and self-confidence back up. 

4. Understand that you are not the problem.

If the man you are interested in is blowing hot and cold, one of the most essential things you need to know is that it has nothing to do with you or how you are acting. You are an amazing and perfect human being that has clearly taken over this man’s head and he isn’t sure how to deal with it. But you are not creating any kind of problem, he is the one doing that to himself. 

Don’t let him put any blame onto you, and if you find that he is blaming you for his cold times, you should leave. This isn’t fair, because you have done nothing wrong to him apart from catch his eye and from there he has caught feelings for you. The bottom line is that if he is not making you happy and you are not so in love with him that you feel you need to stay with him through these rough times, you can leave. There are so many people out there that would never be on and off towards you, they would just completely love you.

There is only so much time that you can spend on making one person try to love you and to be very honest with you, you shouldn’t even have to try. True love is effortless.


I really hope this article has helped you figure out why a man might blow hot and cold, why we are all naturally attracted to people that do this and what you should do about it. I know that this kind of situation can be really difficult but whatever you decide to do with the information I have given you, just please ensure that you always look after yourself and be your true self. You are worthy of pure love, with no hot and cold phases. 

Did this article help you at all? If it did and you liked what you read, please let us know in the comments. We would love to hear from you.

You may also be interested in: 3 Easy Ways to Find Out If He's Cheating On You

Olivia Surtees
After realizing I was the person that everyone around me always came to for dating advice, I decided to merge this skill with my profession – writing. So, I came about to be a relationship advice writer! Being able to show not only my passion for writing, but also my passion to help others in their relationships, means the absolute world to me and I hope to continue doing so. Studying the vast and complicated world of relationships entices me, and I am constantly striving to learn more, so I can then help others with more knowledge and experience.

10 comments on “What to Do When a Man Blows Hot and Cold (4 Things To Try)”

  1. Absolutely spot on the article has managed to unpack a great deal of information and ideas when one party in a relationship starts to express himself in an unacceptable and unpredictable behaviour that kills the spirit of the affair. Kudos! Such a fantastic read.

  2. It doesn't work when a man goes cold and you text them less or ignore them. They just think it's ok and it makes it worse. I'm dealing with it now and now I'm needy because I want what we had 2 months ago. If he can't be true to his feelings or me then I'm leaving, I'm not going to be taken for granted and neither should any of you ladies!!

  3. I thank you for this useful information! I was going thru something really bad and now I feel I was completely right and this has definitely helped me and not let a person cold phase affect me at all. Blessings!

  4. Great insight & advice. It has given me hope. ( for when I find someone worthwhile)
    I will not continue to be manipulated by this jerk.

  5. My BF only sees me twice a week even though we live 2 minutes away from each other. Sometimes he wants to see me more but I’m just left waiting around till he decides. I have the chance to move away but I don’t know what to do. I’m in love with him but he says he questions himself why he doesn’t feel the same. I don’t know what to do

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