Finding out that your husband likes wearing women’s panties can be shocking, especially if you find out suddenly or by accident. You’re probably wondering what it means and how it’s going to affect your relationship.
In this article, I want to set your mind at rest. Your husband wearing panties doesn’t have to be a big deal and it probably doesn’t mean any of the things you’ve been worrying about. Let’s look at the facts.
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Let’s start by talking about what a panty-wearing fetish doesn’t mean.
One common preconception about men who like to wear women’s underwear is that it must mean that they’re gay. This isn’t accurate.
Some gay men do enjoy wearing women’s clothing, but so do lots of straight men. Research shows that the majority of men who enjoy wearing women’s clothing identify as completely straight.
Lots of people have fetishes and specific sexual tastes. It’s actually surprisingly normal. If most people have at least one “unusual” sexual preference, what makes someone a ‘pervert’?
The important question to ask is whether there are any risks associated with his fetish and whether it causes problems for anyone else. If your husband enjoys wearing women’s panties, that doesn’t affect anyone else at all, much less hurt them.
If wearing women’s underwear makes him happier and doesn’t hurt anyone else, there’s nothing objectively ‘wrong’ with it.
What we wear doesn’t define us or our gender. You’re perfectly capable of wearing trousers without questioning your gender, even though they used to be almost exclusively men’s clothing. In my experience, the only thing that happens when I wear men’s clothing is that I’m reminded of how awesome proper pockets really are.
The fact that your husband enjoys wearing women’s panties doesn’t make it any more likely that he’s struggling with his gender identity. If anything, it shows that he’s already thought about himself and his own gender and has found his own answers.
Some men enjoy wearing women’s clothing as part of a preference for sexual submission, but that’s far from certain. I’ll talk more shortly about how and why he might find wearing panties arousing, but submissiveness is only one of many possible options.
Wearing women’s underwear doesn’t make your husband any less manly, strong, or powerful than if he was wearing boxers. He can still be dominant, submissive, or neither.
When you find out that your husband enjoys wearing panties, it’s easy to assume that this is going to be something that he wants you to be actively involved in. You might think that he’s going to want some elaborate role-play or to include his panties in your everyday sex life.
That might be the case, but it might not. This might be something that he only enjoys as part of masturbation or it might not even be sexual at all. He might enjoy the feeling of keeping it hidden. How much he wants you to be involved in his panty-wearing might also depend on how you respond when you find out about it.
So he might want to share his need to wear women’s panties with you or he might not. Who knows? (Answer: he does. So ask!)
One of the hardest things for many women who realize that their husband enjoys wearing panties is trying to understand why. What does he get out of it?
Given the stigma around men wearing women’s clothing, it can feel as though this must be an intense need to force him to overcome the embarrassment or shame, but we struggle to understand. Let’s look at some of the reasons he might want to wear panties.
The first thing to consider is the simplest. It might not be a transgressive or sexual thing at all. He might just enjoy the physical sensations of women’s underwear rather than men’s. Women’s panties have completely different materials, fit, and cut than men’s underwear.
You probably have a couple of pairs of panties that are your absolute favorites. I know I do. The fabric just feels wonderful against my skin and they just sit perfectly where I want them. They never ride up or dig in. They’re perfect. Your husband might have that exact same feeling for a pair of women’s panties.
It’s incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to find men’s underwear in lots of the fabrics women get to enjoy. Anything with lace or frills simply isn’t available. You can get some satin boxers (or silk if he’s willing to spend a lot), but other than that, men are mostly confined to a cotton-poly blend.
Why shouldn’t he wear whatever feels best for his body?
The big difficulty many women have with believing that this is their husband’s reason for wearing women’s panties is that they can’t imagine how he found out how comfortable panties are.
Don’t forget that he will have touched lots of panties, whether that’s folding and putting away your laundry or running his hands over your body during foreplay. It would be easy for him to notice how nice the fabric feels and become curious.
Of course, lots of men who like wearing women’s panties really are interested in it for the sexual angle. At the other end of the spectrum from guys who just like the fit and fabric of panties are husbands who want to wear women’s underwear because it feels humiliating or degrading.
Lots of people enjoy playing around with a power imbalance during sex and being ‘made’ to wear women’s panties can be an effective way for him to feel submissive and controlled.
In many cases, this will mean that he wants you to tell him to put panties on and even have sex with him while he’s wearing them, but that’s not always the case. Other men will be happy to simply allow their submissive minds to run wild as they masturbate while wearing a lacy thong.
What we wear can have a dramatic impact on how confident we feel in difficult situations. You’ve probably experienced that yourself. Maybe you dressed up that little bit more for the first time you met the people who are now your in-laws, or you have a fantastic outfit for job interviews.
Lots of people also get a confidence boost from having something secret and private about their outfits. You might secretly wear stockings rather than pantyhose because it improves your confidence. You might even have a tattoo somewhere that (almost) no one sees but that makes you feel better when you’re anxious.
Some men wear women’s panties for a similar reason. He might be in an important business meeting and quietly smile to himself because no one knows he’s secretly wearing lacy French knickers. Having a secret can make him feel powerful, which lets him cope better with something stressful.
Although most of us identify as just one gender, we all have some masculine and feminine traits. Some people fall far more heavily on one side of the masculine-feminine spectrum than others, but we still have both a masculine and feminine side.
It’s relatively easy for women to access their masculine side. We get to do things that have traditionally been seen as masculine without anyone raising an eyebrow. This might mean playing a ‘rough’ sport or doing woodworking.
It can be much harder for men to access their feminine side. Feminine traits, such as nurturing others or being emotionally open, are far less valued than male traits such as being assertive and goal-oriented.
Wearing women’s panties can be a gentle way for him to connect with his feminine side. If no one else knows, he doesn't have to deal with any stigma or discomfort.
There is another school of thought about why some men like to wear women’s underwear, and that’s that it’s all about their mothers. If this sounds like we’re about to get a little bit Freudian, you’re not wrong.
For most of us, our mother was the primary person who took care of us when we were very young. This means that we associate our mother (and anything connected to her) with feeling safe and comforted.
During the teenage years, it’s normal for children to emotionally move away from their mothers as they transition toward adulthood. This is often stressful and some teenage boys start wearing women’s underwear to keep a feeling of connection to the comfort they felt from their mother.
This doesn’t mean that your husband is thinking of his mother when he puts panties on. All of this is happening subconsciously and that connection was a long time ago.
More likely, he felt comforted when he wore women’s underwear so he kept doing it. Despite the initial connection to his mother, he now finds panties comforting because he has a long association between wearing them and feeling comforted.
Although wearing panties can feel comforting for some men, for others it feels exotic and forbidden. This can make them feel sexy.
Lots of fetishes and sexual desires come from the feeling of breaking social norms and transgressing boundaries. It feels as though we’re doing something ‘naughty’, which can make it more fun and appealing.
For example, an exhibitionist might become more excited by doing something relatively normal if they know that they might get caught. The risk makes it more exciting. Similarly, knowing that he would be judged by others can turn your husband on more when he wears panties.
If he’s more interested in wearing your panties and in wearing panties of his own, he might be trying to feel closer and more connected to you. You probably wouldn’t feel the same about wearing his sweaty boxers, but what about his favorite sweater? Don’t you feel closer and more connected to him when you borrow it?
It’s easy for you to borrow your husband’s sweater to feel close to him and loved. It’s much harder for him to borrow your blouse. Wearing your panties might be the only time he gets that sense of sharing clothes that you take for granted.
Finally, he might not think that there’s any big deal about what kind of underwear he wears. He might borrow your panties if he runs out of clean underwear because he genuinely doesn’t see any good reason not to.
Now you understand some of the reasons that he might want to wear your panties, let’s look at how you can deal with it.
If your husband wants to wear panties you might be shocked, but it’s important to understand that this really isn’t about you. If you wouldn’t allow him to tell you that you’re not allowed to wear skirts, it’s probably not ok for you to tell him that he’s not allowed to wear panties.
Obviously, it’s different if he wants to include him wearing panties in your sex life. That’s absolutely something that is about you and you’re allowed to say that it doesn’t turn you on (or even actively turns you off).
Even then, however, it’s helpful to remember that his fantasies and fetishes are entirely his. They don’t say anything about you or your ability to be a good wife and partner.
Although your husband wanting to wear panties isn’t your decision, you can still have feelings about it and it’s important to recognize, understand, and process those feelings. It’s normal to feel awkward (and even possibly ashamed) when you realize that your husband likes to wear women’s underwear.
If you do feel ashamed, spend a little bit of time thinking about what might be going on for you. Do you have some hidden homophobia that you didn’t know about? If so, that’s ok. Many people do. The important thing is that you deal with it once you see it.
You might not have any negative feelings about it at all. In fact, you might find it fun or even arousing. That’s completely fine too. Just because some other women might feel shocked or upset doesn’t mean that you have to.
Don’t try to force yourself to be turned on by your husband wearing panties if that’s not how you actually feel. It’s important that you accept him for who he is and validate that his feelings are real and acceptable, but that doesn’t mean that you have to share them.
Focus on accepting him and remembering that he’s still the person you married, rather than trying to push yourself into something that makes you feel uncomfortable.
I’ve already shown you that there can be lots of possible reasons for your husband choosing to wear women’s panties. Assuming that you know what wearing panties means to him risks misunderstandings.
Even if it’s a slightly uncomfortable conversation, talk to your husband about why he enjoys wearing panties. Make sure that he knows you’re trying to understand, rather than judging him.
You could say “I know that this is important to you so I really want to understand. I’m not trying to be intrusive but I’d love to know what you feel emotionally when you wear panties.”
Usually, I’m a huge fan of talking things through with your wider support network and sharing things that are on your mind. In this case, however, I think it’s usually more important that you respect your husband’s privacy.
Talking to your closest friends and family about your husband’s desire to wear panties isn’t fair. You’re exposing something really personal about him that he will probably want kept private. If you do need to talk it through with someone, I recommend a qualified therapist or a great relationship coach. They can help you work through your feelings without ‘outing’ your husband.
If you still feel a lingering sense of discomfort about your husband wearing panties, that’s ok. It’s pretty unusual and it can be hard to get over stigma, especially about something sexual.
Sometimes, it can be useful to think about things that used to be stigmatized in the past but are completely normal now. This can help to put social expectations and values into context.
Some examples include:
Sometimes, the hardest part of dealing with your husband wearing panties comes from how you found out about it, rather than the panties themselves. If he told you about it himself, that’s often easier than if you found pictures of him in panties on his phone or even walked in on him wearing panties unexpectedly.
If you felt hurt, shocked, or betrayed by how you found out about his desires, that’s completely valid. You will need to work through with him why he felt the need to keep something like this a secret.
Try not to let your feelings about how you found out dictate how you feel about the panty-wearing itself. Treat them as completely separate issues. One is a question of trust, while the other looks at personal taste and preferences.
Finally, while it’s completely up to your husband whether he wears panties, boxers, briefs, or even goes commando, you’re absolutely allowed to set very clear boundaries around your panties.
You might feel uncomfortable (and even get The Ick) about the idea of him wearing your panties, especially if he prefers to do that before they’ve been washed. You might also find that he stretches them or doesn’t wash them correctly.
If he wants to wear panties, often the best way to support him is to help him find some of his own.
It’s hard to know just how common it is for a man to have a fetish for wearing panties. It’s not something that has been studied much and the stigma means that not many guys will talk about it. It’s probably more common than you might think.
Wearing panties doesn’t mean that your husband is gay. Whether someone is straight or gay is about who they are sexually attracted to. It’s not affected by what they wear or how they act. Lots of men who enjoy wearing panties are straight or bi.
Just like being gay, being trans isn’t about what you wear. It’s about how you experience your own gender identity. In fact, lots of men who have a panty-wearing fetish enjoy it because it’s the opposite of what’s expected of their gender. It feels transgressive and subversive.
It can be a shock to realize that your husband enjoys wearing panties, but it doesn’t have to cause a problem in your relationship. Try to understand what it means to him. Just because he enjoys it doesn’t mean that you have to, though. He decides what he wears, but you can also set boundaries around what you enjoy in your sex life.
What do you think? Did you find it difficult to accept that your husband likes wearing panties, or do you enjoy it? Let me know in the comments. If you’re struggling to talk to him about this, try sending him this article to start the conversation.