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How to Deal with Signs that Your Husband Hurts Your Feelings and Doesn't Care

Last updated on November 18, 2022 by Sonya Schwartz

Is your husband always hurting your feelings?

Does it feel like he doesn’t care about you?

Maybe you get the impression he’d rather spend less time with you?

If so, read on. The guide below explains the best way to deal with this situation.

However, before we dive into this advice, it’s important you read the next few sentences carefully.

I want to tell you about a little-known aspect of male psychology, which has a huge impact on how men perceive their romantic partners. 

This primal instinct called the ‘Hero’s Instinct’ appears to be held by most men - and it can have a huge impact on the way they treat you. 

When this psychological trigger is activated, it can release deep feelings of power, strength and purpose inside a man. Naturally, they become more affectionate and devoted towards women who help them feel this way. 

Before I discovered the ‘Hero’s Instinct’, I was stuck in a lot of relationships with men who didn’t seem to care about me. Now, it’s a lot easier for me to find loving and passionate relationships (read my personal story to learn more)

It’s easy to activate this way of thinking inside a man, once you know how. Yet, so few people seem to know about it. 

This is my #1 tip for adding more love and affection in your existing relationship. Click here to learn how to do it

Then, read on for additional tips about dealing with a partner who hurts your feelings. 

What Does It Mean When Your Husband Doesn't Care About Your Feelings?

If you fear that your husband doesn't care about your feelings, then you have probably been finding that things in your relationship have not been addressing your needs. You may feel like things are totally hopeless and want to feel happy and in love again. It can be hard sometimes to figure out when you are depressed, what it can mean when it seems your husband doesn't care about y our feelings.

Here we look at a number of things it can mean when your husband has been making you feel he doesn't love or care about you or your marriage anymore. Some of the reasons may be pretty hard reading at times as they may make you accept some ideas that you have been trying to bury at the back of your mind. However, the sooner you start addressing these issues, the sooner you can get back to feeling happy again.

He's Ready To Move On

Sadly, when your husband's behaviour seems to betray a man who no longer cares about your feelings, then he may well mean he's ready to move on and wants to leave you. This is hard to admit as you both will have invested a lot of time, if not years, into your relationship only to see it fail.

Sometimes though, even if it doesn't seem it at the time, moving on from the relationship can be the best thing for you both. If the two of you agree that you are no longer making each other happy and you no longer will have a happy life together, at least you are giving each other the opportunity to be happy outside of your married life.

Often, however, in a marriage, there is always one person that wants to keep talking and working out issues. That is, of course, for you to decide. It is possible to work out issues in a marriage and sometimes it isn't. Whatever you try though, remember that right now your husband is continually hurting your feelings and that is not ok.

He's Selfish

He's Selfish

A very frustrating and hurtful reason for your husband to keep hurting your feelings is that he is a selfish human being. It could well be that he has always been selfish its just that when you first started dating and falling in love, you did not know his true colours. Often, we do not always see all aspects of our loved one's character when we are first in thrall with them.

This is totally natural and very normal. The problem is now - his behavior is now hurting your feelings and that is not acceptable behavior. It upsets you and causes you stress.

So what can you do about a man or husband that is selfish and doesn't think about you as his first priority. Well, you can either highlight to him his certain actions that have been prime examples of when he has hurt your feelings. Talk to him about how and why his actions hurt you so that he can at least try to address the problems that you have raised with him.

It is after you have had this conversation that you can then make a decision about what you would like to do in future. It could well be that after you call him out on his selfishness, that he stops acting in such a self involved manner and start putting you first.

However, it may be the case that even after you have told him about how his behaviour is upsetting and hurtful, that he doesn't change his behavior at all. If that is what happens in your relationship and marriage, you want to then take stock of the situation and decide whether you have a future together or not.

He Doesn't Respect You

As with selfish behavior, sometimes when we first fall in love with someone we don't always notice their negative points. It can be, however, that if you are with a man that hurts your feelings, he is guilty of being a person that doesn't respect the woman that he is with.

Is it like pulling teeth getting him to spend time with you?
The key to solving is understanding men on a much deeper emotional level. The number #1 factor that causes men to behave this way is actually relatively easy to change with a few subtle things you can say to him.

Take this quick quiz to see if he actually likes you!

This may be down to out of date notions of what the relationship between genders should be, or it may be that he has a big ego and doesn't ever consider that his opinion is wrong. The result of this is that he always thinks that your opinion is wrong as a result.

When one of you does not respect the other, it can bring an unhealthy imbalance in the relationship where neither of you see eye to eye with one another. It can get to the stage where anything that you do, if you are the one where your partner does not respect you, is wrong and incorrect.

In situations similar to this, you need to know that your opinion and wants are just as valid as his. Talk to him about how his actions are causing you pain and how he may do things in future to help. It is important to let him know how you are feeling so he can take action to change his behavior - if he wants to.

It may also be the case that you talk to him about his behavior and disrespect of your opinions, and he does not change at all. When that happens, it may be that you have to make some touch decisions about your future together. The reason being is that if a man does not respect you and your opinions, you could also be setting yourself up for a subservient type of life and one where you will never be happy.

Your Relationship Does Not Have Balance

As previously alluded to, if your husband does not care about your feelings, it can mean that your partnership has an unhealthy imbalance in it. It can mean that he has all the power and simply takes you for granted. If you fear that this is the case with the both of you, a good idea and action can be to stop giving into his every demand to make him happy.

In doing so, you may actually be making things worse for you both. By giving into him all the time, you can be supporting and encouraging his actions where he doesn't think about your and your feelings.

Readdressing the balance in a relationship is a difficult thing to do, but it is crucial to ensure that your needs are met within your partnership.

What Do You Do When Your Husband Doesn't Care About You?

What Do You Do When Your Husband Doesn't Care About You?

Knowing what to do when your boyfriend doesn't care anymore, or if you feel you husband doesn't care about hurting your feelings, can be a tricky thing to decide upon. There are so many options available to you, but the suitable ones will depend on your husband's personality - and yours.


This is probably not what you may want to hear, but if you feel like your husband doesn't care about you and you don't feel like you have any other resort, you can always leave him. This is a huge step to take and can also mean there is no going back or possibility that your relationship can get back on track, but if you feel you don't have any other option, it may be something that you need to do.

Leaving your husband is an emotionally difficult time, but also the practicalities that surround it are hard too. Lawyers need to be involved for a divorce to go through as well as the fact that you may need to find somewhere new to live - or your husband does.

Stay Busy

A good way to survive mentally if you feel your husband doesn't care about you is simply to stay busy. For some, this can mean focussing on the children in your marriage or by zeroing in on your career or job to keep your mind off the fact that your husband doesn't seem to care about you any more.

Focus On Yourself

When we are in a relationship where our partners don't care about us and our lives, it can be very easy to slip into a way of life where you believe you are not worthwhile and not desirable. This is quite simply not the case and never will be.

To ensure that you do not end up in a pit of self loathing and hatred, take the time to focus on yourself and your life. Mull over about what you want in the future and how you would like your future to be. This can mean taking the time to improve your health and fitness, or even reassess your job and career trajectory.

Whatever you do, you need to find pride in something and be proud to be you.

Try To Increase The Amount Of Sex And Intimacy You Have

This is an incredibly hard thing to think about doing and may not be at all what you imagine could help, but increasing the amount of sex and intimacy you and your husband have, can help you both fall in love again. As a consequence your husband will soon be caring about your feelings again.

The reason this can help is that sex is one of the ways that partners can show each other they care in a way that they can't with anyone else. The physical closeness helps increase the emotional closeness of two people in a relationship.

What Is Emotional Abandonment In Marriage?

What Is Emotional Abandonment In Marriage?

Emotional abandonment can be a tough thing to admit has happened to your marriage, but if you have ever thought 'my husband doesn't talk to me about anything' or 'my husband hurts my feelings and doesn't care', then it could well be that this is the status of your relationship.

This is because emotional abandonment is when someone in the marriage or relationship shuts the other out totally. So if you feel your husband no longer talks to you or shares things with you, it could well be that he has started checking out of the relationship causing the emotional abandonment.

It can be a hard situation to come out of with your relationship in tact because when someone shuts down all lines of communication between the two of you, it is hard to make any progress forward to a happier, more congenial space. Whilst it is possible, it relies on both people doing something about it and starting to talk to each other.

Additionally, they must increase the amount of time they spend together so that balance is brought back to the pairing. This time together can take the form of many different options, but you both need to be invested to making it as constructive and positive as possible. You will both need to take action to make things right again.

Consider ways therefore that are going to help your increased time in each other's company as positive as it can be. It can make a big difference to a couple if they find a hobby to start together or by going to dinner or the cinema on a regular basis. Even though it may be tough at first, the increased time will make you both start to know what is going on in each other's lives again, and if you are starting a new hobby together, it gives you a new common ground that can be what a marriage with emotional abandonment within it can need.

The important thing about working through emotional abandonment is start to respect each other again so that you start to fall in love all over again. When things get tough in a marriage, we often start to pick fights with one another and put a lot of blame on our partners. Emotional abandonment happens as people want to stop the pain of the constant bickering or arguing.

If you respect each other again, the arguments should hopefully ease off and be more constructive when they do occur.

How Do You Know If Your Husband Hates You?

He Snaps At You

An easy way to tell and know whether your husband hates you is if he is constantly snapping at something you do - or even everything you do. It can leave you with the feeling of confusion as this is probably very different to how he acted when you were first in love or dating. Ask yourself honestly if your actions warranted or justified his snapping at you and listen carefully to what he says too.

If you respond to his snapping at you with anger, you may make the situation worse and not better. Take the time to think about what he has said and how you can approach similar situations differently, or simply tell him your reasons why you behaved like you did. By no means should you justify what you do all the time, but if you highlight to him you act as you do for good reason, a sensible partner or spouse will understand that.

He Never Seems Happy To See You

One of the saddest things about a relationship where you fear your husband or partner hates you is when your other half never seems happy to see you. This may be for a whole host of reasons, and could well be because your husband doesn't have the sunniest of dispositions, but if your husband never even cracks a smile when you walk in a room, it could be the sign of something going wrong within your marriage.

Things like looking at you when you come home after a day's working or going to give you a kiss when you walk in the front door are all very positive signs that love is still present in a marriage. When husbands always seem to have too much on their mind to even look up when you enter a room, it may be a signal of bad blood having entered your marriage.

He Spends More Time With His Friends Than You

He Spends More Time With His Friends Than You

Another sign that may also mean that your husband is no longer in love with you is when he spends more time with his friends than with you. He may not be aware he is doing this and if that is the case then you probably do not need to worry too much about the state of your relationship. However, women are usually quite quick to point out when their husbands are spending too much time with their friends as opposed to with their wife, children or family.

Bearing that in mind, if your husband still spends too much time with his guy pals, then you may need to readdress the balance in your relationship. This is particularly true if you have kids and it is always you that ends up looking after them as he is always out.

He Never Remembers Anniversaries Or Your Birthday

One of the nicest things about being in a marriage or relationship is when you are with someone for life who likes to spoil you on special occasions. However, if your husband or boyfriend never ever remembers your birthday or anniversaries, it could be a sign that he doesn't love you anymore. This is especially true if he once used to take the time out to spoil you and now does not.

It means he does know when your anniversaries are, he is just choosing not to acknowledge them. This doesn't mean that if he doesn't buy you a gift he hates you, it just means that if he simply does not even wish you a happy birthday verbally or say happy anniversary, that his behaviour does not come from a position of love.

He Puts You Down In Front Of People

It may be that your husband puts you down in front of other people if he hates you. This can be a particularly cruel occurrence to happen in your life and it can make you end up feeling like a very small and insignificant person, but have confidence in yourself and realise that if your husband is acting like that, it is often a sign of his own insecurities. So if you find that he is constantly belittling you over the smallest thing, then you may have to admit that the love has gone from your marriage on his side.

Signs Your Husband Hurts Your Feelings And Doesn't Care - The Bottom Line

Noticing the signs your husband has the ability to hurt your feelings and also doesn't care about doing so can be a tough admission to make. The reason being is that it means some difficult times are ahead for you personally and also for your relationship. You should always try to address the situation by talking to your husband in the first instance, but it may be that opening up the lines of communication don't make the slightest bit of difference.

This can be incredibly difficult for you, and understandably so. When the one you love doesn't address their behavior so that you are happy, it may mean that you have to leave him or at least admit that your partnership will never be what you had wanted it to be. It may even mean that you end up spending more and more time apart in what becomes a loveless marriage.

This is sadly quite common - particularly when children involved - even in a an age where divorce is accepted and a totally normal thing to do. People still don't take the route of divorce because they just don't want a failed marriage behind them or may even stay together for financial reasons or, as previously mentioned, as they have children together.

When something similar happens in your marriage, you have to find other ways to find happiness in your life so that you do not slip into a depressed state as a result of your relationship not living up to what you thought it would be. It may be that you find a new hobby and new friends to concentrate on. You may focus on your job and your career. You may travel and see the world.

Whatever you do, remember that just because your spouse doesn't care about your feelings, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't care about your feelings and your happiness as a result.

If you feel like you are in a loveless marriage or with a husband that does not care about how you feel and upsets you a lot, leave your story and comments below. We would love to hear them and our readers take a great deal of comfort in hearing about people in similar situations and circumstances. Leave your name, email and any other details so that we can contact you with similar articles if you would think them helpful.

Plus, share this article to any friends and family that may benefit from reading this article which explores things they are going through. Often, it is so helpful knowing that you are not alone and others have survived the same troubles.

Do you feel like all you think about is him, but he only thinks about himself?
This doesn't mean he doesn't like you. You have to understand how he is wired. Once you do, you'll find there is a subtle thing you can say that to him that will drastically change how he shows his emotions towards you.

Take this quick quiz that looks at whether he actually likes you or not!

Sonya Schwartz
A hopeless romantic that struggled for many years to find her Mr "Right" and made all the mistakes you could think of while dating. Known for always choosing the wrong guys or messing up relationships, Sonya was finally able to change her approach and mindset when it came to dating which helped her eventually find the man of her dreams and become happily married. You can read more about me here...

30 comments on “How to Deal with Signs that Your Husband Hurts Your Feelings and Doesn't Care”

  1. My husband say that he love me, but whenever they are an argument, he will say anything to hurt me and also making up fake story to tell his parents or his friends about me and my family. When he is angry, he drank alot and make him changes to a different personality and also he seems to hate me alot and will be mentioning about my dad alot as I love my dad very much as my idol. Besides, he and dad had once an argument and both of them have a fight by pushing each others. He feels that my dad is not sincerely treating him as his son in law but my dad apologies to him and the fight started because of his disrespectful. However, he feels that he is the victim and he find that why am I siding him when both were fighting. In that situation, my dad is not young like us, although my dad seem to be strong but he pushes my dad. So I was angry and ask for a divorce... I love my husband but he find that I am siding my dad and did not protect him at that point. However, my dad used to come over to our house often and also having alot of chat and beer sessions with my husband all the time. And after the fight, they also do talk and drink together, but recently after a few months of the fight, my husband was angry again and he say he just pretend to be nice and he hated my father alot... I was very sad... Please teach me what to do... I asked him that whether he want a divorce but he seems not wanting to divorce but also he seems to hate me... What to do when I have a 5 months baby?

  2. My spouse and I have been together almost 8 years. We got pregnant with our first daughter 3months after meeting. I was really young and he was fun. He wasn’t working. It took 2 years to get him to get a job. He has now kept that job for 5 years and We have 3 kids. He’s never asked me to marry him. He is angry pretty much all day. Anything I say or do isn’t enough. He screams at me over everything, curses and demeans me on a daily basis. I ask him to stop in front of the kids and he won’t. I’m scared my kids will think it’s okay. We dont sleep in the same room. We dont go on dates. He didnt do anything for my graduation, 30th bday or mothers day which all occured this month. I love him but I’m so depressed. I don’t want my kids to be bounced back and forth. I don’t want to go through a custody battle and financially 3 little kids are expensive on one income. I just don’t know if you can save a relationship like this.

  3. Am in polgyamous marriage I need advise.am the third wive with one child.my husband doesn't care about me and am in long distance marriage

  4. I have been married for 19 years. My husband started cheating on me after 6 years of marriage with numerous women. When I catch him he behaves like a victim of circumstances. He tells me of having random men whom I'm having an affair with which is a lie.
    He even told my uncle that I have men.
    I am a very busy woman. From dropping off kids to school and going to work then from work pick them up then take them to their events, I solely clean the house, cook, do laundry and do shopping . Basically, I'm the mother, house maid and the nurse of the family. I rarely get time to rest. The only help I get is from my daughters when they have time off their homeworks.

    I buy gifts for my husband but he has never bought me anything not even the kids but he spends money on his side chicks. He never drinks in his life.
    He treats me like his servant. He once told me that he can do without me.
    I'm stuck in this marriage because of our 3 kids and the youngest is 5.
    It is now 5 months that he has never talked to me.we are just like enemy roommates.
    I have thought of divorce but I don't want the youngest son to be tossed here and there. The other two daughters are almost finishing high school.
    I have enrolled to start taking college classes for the better of my future.

    A piece of advice is really appreciated.

  5. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We’ve lived together for the past 2 1/2, i also have a 8yr old daughter.
    From the beginning of our relationship I’ve been completely open and honest. From my previous marriage and throughout life I’ve been left with a horrible trust issue. My 2 biggest things are lying and hiding, from the smallest, useless lies to not telling me something. I would rather have my couple moments being angry than having the thoughts of something being kept from me and ruining any trust that may be there, and damaging something that can’t be undone.
    So, of course he’s lied, and hide things knowing how I feel and the hurt, pain, anger, etc... that comes with it for me.
    So he promised me he would never Intentionally lie or hide anything ever again.
    Well, again he intentionally didn’t tell me something because he didn’t want to deal with my reaction. I see it as a heartless thing to do and I consider it a lie because he promised me. When he broke that promise it became a lie to me! What he didn’t tell is something that doesn’t upset me at all, my REACTION was I found out on my own. Also, he acted like I was taking it to the extreme. Yes!! I took it to the extreme, I had every right to. He acted like he didn’t lie and had the nerve to tell me enough when I demanded to know why he hid it from me. After everything I think I at least deserved an explanation for his broken promise and stupidity to hurt me again.
    He got mad at me!!! For his actions!!
    And then said it really wasn’t any of my business!!! Are you kidding me??I really wish someone could explain to me what people like this are thinking?
    He knew he intentionally didn’t tell me, hell, he admitted to it. However, instead of apologizing or acknowledging it, he got mad at me!!! Does he not realize the damage and hurt (even though it has been clearly explained several times) or does he really not care?
    Someone please clarify what kind of person does that?

    1. It is like we are living in the same marriage!!! I totally get it... and it sucks. I’m sorry you are feeling this way 😕

  6. My husband hasn't cheated but he lies about EVERYTHING. When caught, he ignores ME. We don't have kids & we don't have property. We don't have shit. Neither one of us can afford to leave. I am very depressed & I want to die. He doesn't care. He doesn't even speak to me. He ignores me.

    1. My husband ignores me too and will say what I want to hear when I finally snap. It’s a manipulation tactic. Keep your head up. No man is worth dying over. Focus on you and things that bring you joy. Easier said than done, I know.

    2. Please give yourself a chance! , leave now while you still don’t have children!!! You are better than that and you know it. Love yourself! There’s plenty of good men in this world that would respect you.

  7. My husband doesn’t care about my feelings at all.He always go and visit 1 old lady and I told him I don’t like it ,because he seems very distracted,I’m not a controlling person I don’t have a problem with him keeping friends as long as they are not destroying our marriage,he act like a person who’s under a spell.Everything the lady ask him to do he will do it right away but when I ask him to do something it’s a struggle,he will complain and nag.Im stressed I’m depressed and I’m also loosing weight so bad he even ask me if I’m sick because he doesn’t see anything wrong with his behaviour.We ‘ve been through a lot and I always stick bye him,but I can see that he doesn’t value nothing,I always try to talk to him and ask him if he still love me,he say yes,cause I don’t wanna stay in a loveless marriage.Sorry about a long story.Any opinion/help will be appreciated

  8. My name is Katya. Originally from Russia. Got married 12 years ago and I am at the end of my rope...
    We have a 5 y.o..
    He snaps at me, belittle me 24/7 , around other people. We don't go anywhere, he does not have any friends..
    He smokes which I'm against of. He smokes in the car, outside around my baby, in the studio. I expressed so many times that I want him to compromise, like no smoking in the car. He does not care about what I say.
    Ones while I was pregnant and nauseous, I asked him to please, not to smoke, it makes me sick.. He said "I'm gonna.. jus deal with it"
    😭 Wtf... If you love me you should care...
    I don't have a job, school is only 2 days a week, how am I supposed to leave?!

    Please help... Can't go on like this anymore..

  9. My story is very different. Some may say I am lucky and some may say they understand. So, here goes. I know my husband for a really long time but, we are married for just 3 years . What started as a fairytale story is now turning out into an every week argument or crazy fight. My husband is a hard working , stable and pretty much a great provider. I dont demand or take advantage . I am quite a simple person, nevertheless, I feel that has become a problem in our marriage. Simple issues like about what I made for suppe, and if he didnt want that ,would turn out so ugly that it will make him say such awful things to me. He says I should leave and he doesnt need a woman etc . But, when I do leave he comes running after me . But, its been happening so often that his words used is starting to take effect drastically and he couldnt care less. I spoke to him several times about it and it seems to be getting worse everytime . I love him so much but, I am beginning to think that his cruel words and statements to me is turning into hate for him .

  10. its a hard situation to be , to be a wife to a non- perfect man. My husband is soooo crazy i cant even describe how messed up he is. And it hurts because my 8 year old son takes his side and believes his lies. he tells are son im sleepin with other men, that he may not be his child, lies! i ve been nothing but faithful to him but he keeps telling everyone im lying, im cheating. Thats just 5 percent of the crap he does . to much to mention all of it but tons of lying, always threaten to cheat on me , flirts with other women and so much more. I cant believe this, what is wrong with these men today. i dont understand how you can ask for your wife to marry you, and say you love her then treat her horribly. my husband is an example of it, he swears he loves me though. Itsmadness . i get it its hard to leave with a kid, i used to look at men who left a woman and kid as bad but now i say men who stay and subject there children through the pain of a toxic house hold are just as guilty. i wish there were laws against men being bad husbands, they could be imprisoned and put in rehab for anger management for verbally abusing there wives

  11. I've been married for 20 years. The first 11 I felt loved but after a financial crisis, my husband started verbally abusing me every night.(he's an alcoholic) I'd lose myself in my PC up until I left him. He was more loving than ever 6 months later I moved back in, month & half later, he treated me like he hated me. Mentally, emotional, & verbally abusing me. That last 3 yrs & our living situation stopped it. Things were better up to two yrs go & he started doing things with his cousin,that was malicious & aimed at hurting me every night. This all started because the cousin & I had words. Blood was thicker than water & more important than flesh, really it's because he had beer. He doesn't care when he hurts me,now or than. I recently found out that he is gaslighting me. I don't understand, how I once felt love from this man & now all I feel is hate but when I end things, he makes promise & apologize he knows he don't mean. Why? I think what he love about me is hurting me, he gets pleasure by

  12. For the last three years my husband had been wrongfully accusing me of having an affair. It's gotten really bad. When he accuses me it feels like I'm getting backed unto a corner and along with his quick wit and verbal skills, I feel attacked. So unfortunately my response has been physical; only making things worse on my end. He has had inappropriate conversations with several other women, some of which have lasted 4+ months. Some happening in the beginning and for years lying about it. He never comes straight home after work, then usually leaves around midnight and doesn't return until 3 or 4 in the morning. A couple of times it's been 7 am when he comes home. And he always says he's been at my brother's, whom I don't really speak with so he knows I won't inquire. We still have sex several times a week. I feel alone a lot cause I know he has no remorse and everytime he walks through the door he immediately looks for something to be wrong. It's damned if I do damned if I don't with everything. I don't want to cause my kids anymore distress. I wish he would believe me cause I am telling the truth. I just want us to get out of this and be happy together with our kids. They're only kids once and I don't want them to look back and only remember the fighting. I love my husband I've been with him since I was 15 and in April we will have been together for 20 years. Any advice would be more than appreciated.

  13. I have been with my significant other/spouse for at least ten years. In the beginning, it was like a fairytale and he was a sweetheart and even stopped a bully who tried to steal from me. Even all his friends and siblings claim to this day that he is a really nice guy. But they will never see nor experience what I see. However, the first year, things went well. And then he started physically abusing me, claiming that I started it. During our very first fight ever, he swung on me first. I wanted to tell his mother, who is now deceased and who was ill with cancer at the time, but I feared she would take his side. Anyway, one time he even hit me in front of our newborn son, so I defended myself with a frying pan. I then left him and went to a shelter with my son. After several months, he claimed that he changed, so when I left the shelter I took him back. It seemed that he had changed, until he started hitting me again in December 2012 when we were at a family shelter together. He kicked me so hard both my legs were bruised and swollen and he smacked me repeatedly until my eyes turned bloodshot and bright red from hemorrhage and I suffered a nosebleed.He was hitting me while I was holding my son, who was still an infant at the time. The cops were called by my mother and he got arrested. ACS was even involved but they sent me back to the same shelter where I was abused. Do they call that being helpful? They even further abused me and further revictimized me. One worker even had the damn audacity to ask me if I took a shower everyday, which I do because it is common sense. Then, later when my husband made bail, he again got my hopes up and claimed he would never hurt me again. So we started going out and to the movies every other weekend. Later on, we got our first apartment together, but within one year after I found a new job in 2015, he starts with the damned abuse again. It goes from verbal to physical. He hits me once then waits until morning to apologize. Why I stay, I don't know when I should have left. Maybe I have been brainwashed because I know that a woman with more common sense will not stay and continue to be abused, especially since she has children to protect, hench ACS stepping in. The abuse stopped for a while, until March 2018, when we had our worst fight ever. It was about my spouse allowing his homeless friend from Somalia to come over and leave our apartment messy without bothering to clean up after himself(he is an alcoholic and constantly spills beer in every room he occupies). This time when we fought, our son who was six at the time, walked in on us as he grabbed my neck. He didn't hit me this time but only grabbed me by my throat and shoved me into the floor, and started yelling my ear. When I was able to get up again, I fought hard as I could himself defense. He finally saw that I was not a weak woman and I could fight back, so he ran out the door. He went to tell his friends that I beat him up! Unbelievable. And he was the one who was being abusive, in front of our son. A kind couple who saw my wounds as I went to make a report at the security desk downstairs called the police. I was taken to the hospital and a police report was made about the incident. It has been nearly two years since he last verbally and physically abused me, yet now he barely spends time with me and our son. He is always out with friends all night, and he comes home very late and has to nerve to ask me for sexual intimacy after abandoning me all day. I do deny him intimacy. I promised him this time that I will leave him if he ever abuses me again and I will not return. Everyday, I wait until I can escape him. I should leave him because I understand now that the fighting is not good in front of our son. Even now, my husband is in denial that he ever hit me. It is always the same cycle, abuse, apology, then more abuse, followed by more apology then denial, then abuse. ACS told him to go to counseling and anger management, but he refused. He wants another child with me, but because of what he put me through, I am not willing to bring another innocent child into a life filled with "Daddy hurting Mommy". My son has already been traumatized enough. Due to COVID19 and me have so little finances, it is hard to leave and go to a shelter where I can be exposed to the pandemic. I want to start over and get my own place, without my husband. Does anyone have any ideas? I cannot live another ten years with such an abusive asshole. Btw, he has another much older child from his ex who he met before me. She gives him problems, but that is no excuse for how he has treated me. Day and night, I feel withdrawn from society, I sleep a lot during the day, except when I help my son with homework and provides him with what he needs and we have playdates when I take him somewhere fun. By the way, we are Muslim, but being a Muslim doesn't seem to stop my spouse from being abusive. He even verbally abuses our son now. He never yells at his older son from a previous relationship, but he verbally abuses us all the time, though the physical abuse has stopped for now. So, if anyone knows of a shelter that will accommodate us or a hotline that will help me get my own house/apartment, please let me know. I have even tried applying for section 8 but I could use assistance from someone who knows what to do. It is fall and it will get very cold soon and I will need a new place to stay when I am ready to leave my significant other. I am ready to leave, just don't know where to go. The shelter that is several miles away keeps giving me problems and labels us as conditional, which mean they only help for two weeks and then they kick you back out into the cold world again, so you have to keep finding evidence to make you completely eligible for them to take you in again, but its only for another two weeks. It's all messed up. I admit, I do need help, not just for me, but for my son as well.

  14. This article seems to be drastically one sided from a woman’s perspective that is not in a long term relationship. The opening statement about going from bad relationships to now finding meaningful relationship seems ridiculous. If the author is so successful at finding good relationships should the word no be relationship not the plural. Just because one woman can justify a long line of failures by spouting useless facts does not mean she is correct. Such a waste of time. I could re-write the entire article in four sentences. Talk to each other. Listen more than you speak. If love is fleeing then, love you spouse... just love them. Love is not automatic so make no assumptions.

  15. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and only been married for 9 months. I have been feeling uncomfortable with him being friends on FB with his ex-high school girlfriend, i have talked to him about it before,but he uses his past divorce from a controlling ex wife to hold as leverage against me and says he will no longer be told who he can talk to or not, and then proceeds to tell me I am acting like her... so I let it go for a couple years.. however a couple months before we got married, I found out that she messaged him and sent him a picture of something he gave her when they were dating.. knowing that we were engaged.. she crossed the line, it made me so angry, I confronted him and told him she was trying to get him to reminisce, who does that out of the blue after 35 plus years??? And he still will not unfriendly her..this hurts my feelings and stresses me out and I have trust issues already. Any advice will be appreciated. Thank you

    1. Sorry but that sounds like a problem insecure teenagers have.
      Imagine your husband telling you who to avoid as friends on social media.
      All the best for you.

  16. So, I’ve been with my sons dad on and off for 5 years and it hasn’t been 100%. I was hidden from his family who didn’t know who I was or had a baby. Nor that he was lying the entire time to me staying with a lady 16 years older with 4 kids (he was 25) I was upset and hurt, but I let go. We ended up moving in with each other and things were great. We did a lot to gather, raised our baby, did things with him and I was happy. It wasn’t until 2 years later I found out he was cheating on me with a coworker. Before I found out, he was shutting me out. Wouldn’t talk about it. He made more attempts to be with her and her son than me. I broke down, I was hurt but I had to stop and heal. I was living renting a room- barely making it as I had all the responsibilities with our son. He showed more to her, he wasn’t around. But then he came back and said he wanted me too. Of course I’m upset I’m not getting into this AGAIN. But I did- yes I know I failed 3 times there- next thing you know i find out he is lying to her about being around me and then she saw he was texting me. When I went to confront him lying to her about me he told her he never did and I’m crazy. He was crying for her and she was 5 years younger! She ended up believing him and then they fight and break up. It was about me again and her saying why can’t he just let me go... so that fizzled- I was careful not to let him back in easy- I just knew since this happened before i knew he would again. I just felt it but I wanted to work it out so bad, I did love him. About 2 years later... I see he’s talking to a coworker a lot, and I just felt red flags. I mean ALL the time and on Snapchat. Which I saw, he made every effort to message. I didn’t fully let it go until he was going out at night and sleeping over at his buddies. He was there 2 times a week and they were older with teen kids. If I were them I wouldn’t want people coming partying and sleeping over as often as he claimed.. it went on and I confronted him so many times about that I feel he’s cheating me or I just feel red flags and off about it all. I knew my gut was telling me something. But he kept denying it to my face,.. and I would cry too begging him to please be honest. But he still lied to my face saying I was stupid for thinking that and mad I was accusing him... well comes to find out I did find out the truth.. the 2 days a week of effort and lies to be with this person it was a girl and he was cheating. I was furious... so I messaged her and told her he has a family at home. But she said I was crazy like he had said and that how could I force him to live with me just to pay the bills as I wasn’t working. NO I WAS NOT! he didn’t pay anything!! He put a girl ahead of time with his son, we celebrated 4 of July just my 4 year old and i lighting a few fireworks alone.. he didn’t care. He made so much effort to keep lying about it and putting me down to all his coworkers saying I was psycho. Again- when I confronted him with pictures I found and screenshots. He didn’t admit- but said he didn’t wAnt to talk about it right now and wanted to sleep... I was crying so hard at this point just finding out like this... he just wanted to sleep... so I am alone in my living room balling my eyes out, he doesn’t show he cares.. instead he’s annoyed. He had been up late that night and was tired but how was that my fault?! We eventually talk and he says it’s ended with her and wants to stay.. at this point I said no go. He wouldn’t, but he still kept talking to her and it’s my fault I can’t let him go so he can go be with her who he loves.. that I was keeping our son away so he had no choice which was such a lie!! I told him to get out and go- go. He did, he didn’t care... he was gone a few days and was mad I tossed him out at 2am. Then he calmed down and days later he says he gives up. He fills me up with I want my family, I hate this.. I miss you guys. I didn’t buy it but he didn’t want to move in with her and sign a lease. He didn’t want to loose the chance living with his son. So I let him come back but he sleeps somewhere else in the house. I told him I don’t believe him and won’t but he says he would show his feelings..since then, it’s been on and off with fighting. He starts showing lack of any care! He put me down, made fun of me with horrible insults. Wished death for me and it got a lot worse... but to everyone else he told, he was the victim and I am so crazy!! Just to make himself look better... he stops talking to her at my request, he doesn’t go out anymore and I said I wouldn’t believe him.. eventually broken promises, more insults and then the withdraw.. I would try to work on it but he wouldn’t care too, he could go all day and not text me back and he didn’t care. Then came where he wanted his own time in the other room away from me because I was annoying him trying to talk about my feelings or ask him. Now being so secretive with his phone... works later at work just because he doesn’t want to come home. And I really was trying to do my best, he kept saying he loves me still and I’m over reacting about feeling like he doesn’t love me as when we argue, he doesn’t care if I’m crying my heart out and sad. He’ll go sleep in the room while I’m on the couch alone.. eventually it breaks me down, I’m depressed.. I tried talking to him again about my feelings and how I feel alone and how he isn’t mAking the effort he says he would.. and this morning I talk to him as he was on his phone playing games and ignored me sitting there.. I am sick of feeling alone, discarded.. it finally gets to me and I’m crying... pouring my heart out telling him I feel so broken.. but he doesn’t care.. he said he didn’t and I was being so annoying and didn’t want to keep talking about it. He walked away from me while I was crying on the table. He didn’t say anything and I thought he would at least show something. But no... I get some things and walk out of the house to go for a drive.. upset and crying. He doesn’t even stop me.. I was trying to hard to tell him my feelings but he mocked me and said he didn’t care. The way he said it and the lack of any empathy I was trying to tell him how I felt. Nothing. So now it’s my fault as he just doesn’t want to deal with it. Is sick of me accusing him of talking to others when I say he’s always on his phone.. doesn’t text me back for awhile. Doesn’t try anymore and withdraws. I tell him it’s because of those behaviors I am seeing again and my intuition but I’m wrong apparently. He isn’t doing anything and he is sick of the accusing. The lack of care I walked out of the room broken is what hurts. Loving someone who really doesn’t love you.. doesn’t care to mend the fight we had. Instead makes it about him.. truly shoves what I said out. So I know I was stupid letting him back but how can you destroy a human like that and one who forgave you, let you back in and believed you would change..

    1. The way I see it, most men are emotionly immature. Not willing/able to talk about feelings. They never learned that. I got a partner who's like that too.
      Always quick and nasty to degrade others be ýelling curses, because they are wrong. Never considering themselves wrong.
      Mine is an angry asshole, who doesn't respect anybody. Probably not even his own feelings.
      His total unawareness and meanness makes me hate him every now and then.
      He's a 24/7 smoker, says he needs it against ADHS, which I don't believe. It's called numbing down/supressing feelings.

  17. Im in a committed relationship for 20 yrs. For 18 yts with my partner I have never felt fulfilled, happy, proud or even secured or protected.I always feel like I need to strand for myself all The time. He never ever cared about my birthday nor greeting me on our weeding anniverssary. When my Mother died I felt all alone because He was even cold. I got operated in myoma and after he fetch me from The hospital he didnt care about feeding me or even talking care of me. I had to take of my food just 2 days after I got operated. He drinks a lot and after he get tired of drinking he called me nasty names and he was mean to me for 2 to 3 weeks. He called me nasty names and shout at me always even when our children around. He always update on his other children bdays ( children from previous marriage)he even lways always asks me or Phone me up to remind me of his children bday and that I should greet them and give them gift. The same way to his grand children. But when it comes to my bday he acts as I dont exist and never greet me ever but after The day of my bday hestarted to talk to me like normal days. Our children together he doesnt care about bdays or even when their sick. I am fed up. I just want to leave but I am hesitatnt because He financially providing me and our children but The feeling of our importance is not there. I have studie for many years but nothing have succeed because when I am studying he gave me more duties at home and he never contributed helping me. He even i vite more People home or children and left me with all The work. Mot of The time I even have to wash The dishes right when I came home and do The cooking washing. Most of The time I cant focus on my study even how Hard I tried. I barely sleep due to many works at home and my school tasks. Once i gave up schooling he started helping me at home only for a short period of time. He looks happy The moment I stopped. Were together for 20 yrs this year but I didnt see myself going forward ot some where better than what I had. I am styck and I felt so deep that I broke my wings and unable to fly. I wish I get The courrage Again to move on and strand for myself and children. I felt lost for many long years I live with him. I have never been a better person instead I become depressed, got anxiety and feeling like crazy and not truating myself. I am a total different person now. I see in me as a person Who was ones a professional and now a loser and lost. I wanted to live this kind of life because this is not a life anyway. But I never had the chance to built myzelf and any carreer where I can afford to strand on my feet Again. I admit i am lost and truly confuse and emotionally drained. I dont know what to do where to start and how to start where?

  18. I have been married for 11 years and for the past several years my husband seems to get upset for any little thing and gets mad and will give me the silent treatment for couple days and even for a week. This seems to be ok with him but it really hurts me. I wish he would have communication & discuss issues but he does not believe communication is important and gets annoyed. I often feel like he just takes me granted. I have devoted my life to him & have 2 children. I've often considered divorce because I don't see a future as I know he will never change but I am scared to leave & be the cause of breaking our family & hurting the kids. I have never felt so lonely, hurt & depressed. I am lost.

  19. I've been with my fiance for almost five years. I was 20 when we started dated and he was 27. I wasn't perfect in the beginning of the relationship. I wanted to party and ended up cheating on him, but he forgave me and things were pretty great for the first three years. We lived with his mom to help save money to buy a house. When we bought the house and moved in things went downhill. For the last two years it seems like he is constantly angry and super resentful towards me. He isn't physically abusive but verbally and emotionally. He constantly insults my family even though we don't live near them so he rarely has to see them. When I mention wanting to move closer to my family he loses it and it becomes an explosive fight. I'm very lonely here and have no one around, so I'm constantly on eggshells if he is going to unpredictably be angry any given minute and I have no one to turn to. On top of it, I'm in law school with one more year left before I have my doctorate. He constantly puts me down for "not contributing" because I'm not working full-time but I still help pay bills. My first year of law school he would tell me nearly every day that I was lazy and not contributing, so I paid all of the bills for our house that year. Shortly after that he proposed. I was extremely shocked because that entire year he acted as though he wanted to end things. He constantly would try to make me do sexual things with other men and couples that I repeatedly told him I did not want to do. It was humiliating. He would scream and be angry, threaten to leave if I didn't do the sexual acts. I still refused, but it changed the way I saw him since that. I don't know what's going on. It seems like he has absolutely no respect for me or my family, and I'm very very anxious to get married because of it. I do everything around the house because he says he "doesn't know how." He makes around $40,000 a year and is getting his bachelor's degree online. He constantly says that he doesn't know how to do the work and that I have to do it for him or else he's just going to drop out. I've put in so many hours into his homework. I feel used. I'm scared to start over when I've invested so much into this. I'm currently planning and paying for the wedding. I try to see the positive side of things. When I mention this to him, to see the bright side of whatever stressors are going on, he gets angry. I feel like I can't do anything right and he's so resentful towards me. When we moved into this house it was his first time living away from his mom. I lived on my own since age 18, so I tried being sympathetic to how difficult it is being on your own, but I can't keep justifying these behaviors. I've been getting panic attacks the last year between the stress of the relationship and my doctoral program.

  20. Thank you so much for such an excellently written article. I think it may be the most comprehensive, accurate and helpful advice pieces I’ve ever read.
    Emotional abandonment, avoiding doing the work and pain, selfishness and ego issues, respect and gender roles, career focus and raising Children, and learning how to give myself the respect and love I deserve are all things I struggle with. After 20 years of marriage (8 years of which we have been separated) I have raised our children alone and have had to sacrifice my own education and career while he has advanced and succeeded in his career. He leads a secret life and excludes us completely. I never imagined someone could be so uncaring and unavailable even for his own children.
    It is nearly impossible for me to love and care for myself the way I deserve because I must love and care for my children first 100% alone with no support or partnership. He married me when I was 24 and took me far away from family and friends to another State. With no career and two children I was left alone to figure things out while he built a career and developed a secret, double life with a younger, female intern of another culture. I have since discovered so many lies and secrets that I often feel completely devastated and helpless. My dedication to my children prevents me from selfishly abandoning them, as he has. Escape from the pain of this reality is sometimes the only option I see. His desertion and disregard for me and our children, whom I have nurtured and cared for on my own over the past 8 years of my life, is such a painful realization that denial, and escape are often all I see. Lacking the support, tools, and means to do what I need to do to get help, I often find myself alone, numbing my problems with outside sources like alcohol, substances, shopping, cooking, cleaning, distractions, other peoples problems, anything that takes me away from the pain I feel inside myself.
    It’s a situation where neither person wants to take responsibility for their part in the breakdown and causing the others pain. Yet, the thing the partner needs most and what will help them heal, is for their partner to listen to their feelings and understand the pain they have felt by their partners behavior or absence. This requires vulnerability, patience, loyalty, compassion, trust and honesty and when your partner is a narcissist, sociopathic workaholic who was adopted as an infant, and raised with a silver spoon up his XXX and has racist sexual fetishes and a porn addiction it is quite possibly impossible!
    However, I thank you very much for the helpful and insightful article.

  21. We have been together for 20 years and have been married for 13 years. Recently My husband gets very angry when I ask him questions about him being with his friends. He also gets angry because I muted a coworker in his Instagram, he has -called me insecure. I have tired to explain that this is only because of events that have happen in the past with him which I have forgave him and he has said that there is no reason to act that way now.. though sometimes I se spatter a of past behavior and can’t help think that the same things are gapping again.

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