When you are in a relationship and you feel something is wrong, chances are that you are right. Even if your cheating partner is trying very hard to hide their infidelity, you can still spot some changes in his or her behavior.
The problem is that when you love someone, you may avoid the pain and the possible break-up so you may be tented to deceive yourself by justifying their actions and believing their lies.
Unfortunately, problems don't disappear if you look the other way, so it's best to study their behavior, to make sure that you are cheated, confront him or her with the truth and then see if it's possible a reconciliation or if a break-up is necessary.
We want to help you better assess the situation so that's why we asked Minuca Elena to reach out to 80 relationship specialists, therapists, and dating experts and ask them the following question:
What changes in a person's behavior can indicate that he or she is cheating on his or her partner?
Without further introduction, let's see what the expert had to say.
When someone is cheating, you will notice changes in their behavior that are different than normal. Sometimes you might notice secrecy, such as a locked phone and a new password on their phone.
Someone who is cheating might go to extra steps to keep their secrets such as lying to other friends as well as their spouse and living a double life. Over time, these lies might not add up and the secret of an affair will be discovered.
Also, someone who is cheating might also have an increased level of self-confidence.
In the beginning stages of falling in love, oxytocin is released in larger amounts in the brain and therefore can lead to more happiness and excitement.
If someone you’re with is cheating on you, you might notice them being very happy, buying a lot of new clothes all of a sudden, trying to look their best, or going out all the time away from home.
Another sign that someone is cheating is that they don’t care for you emotionally or value you in the same way they used to. Previously, when times were good, this person listened to you and held your hand. Now, an indicator that they might be cheating is that they will not show an interest in you.
When someone is cheating, they’ve lost interest in their current relationship, and often have a lot of negative coping mechanisms coming up, which is why they’re choosing this behavior.
Sometimes people cheat because they’re trying to assert power and control over their childhood memories and sometimes people who cheat are survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
Cheating is often a very deep and traumatic behavior for all people involved and often is rooted in surviving childhood trauma or some kind. Another sign that someone is cheating is that he or she texts and calls you less.
Overall, they’re showing less of a connection and putting less time and energy into your relationship together.
If you think your partner is cheating on you, I would highly recommend seeking a couple or marriage counselor to help you calmly and clearly sort through what caused the cheating, learn skills to prevent it, so it doesn’t happen again, and step into a positive relationship if you choose to stay together.
Various changes in your spouse’s behavior can serve as red flags that there is trouble brewing in your relationship. A change in routine is perhaps the most common and where the cheating spouse leaves their paw prints.
After always arriving home at a predictable time, are they suddenly making excuses as to why they are working later? Are they finding creative ways that seem out of character to be out more without you?
Such as an interest to run errands, typically viewed as mundane. Maybe walking the dog or taking the baby for a stroll more often.
If a partner suddenly needs privacy an affair may be to blame. The cheater may openly express their desire for alone time during an argument, guilting their partner into allowing for space.
Or, choosing to be overly protective of their devices, cellphones, tablets, laptops, etc.
Does your partner become uncomfortable if you go near their phone? Are they overly concerned with always having their phone with them or constantly checking for messages, ignoring you during your time together?
These are possible signs of cheating.
Another potential sign of an affair is a change in the sex shared.
An unexpected, interest in different positions or styles can be a result of sex had outside of the relationship, especially if you’ve noticed a change in routine from your partner.
All of the above, are typically the effects of a cheating spouse.
Many times, the cheating partner can start to become overly sensitive over his/her non-shared personal items such as their phone, car, or living space.
For example, if before he/she left their phone out while taking a shower, they may start to bring it into the bathroom with them or become very agitated when their significant other asks to look at a funny video or something else on the phone.
Another indicator of cheating can be, excuses for hanging out with certain types of people.
For example, maybe there’s a new “employee” at work. This person is used as a scapegoat for reasons to go to happy hour or stay late after work when in reality they are having an affair with someone else.
Anytime that a partner is cheating, usually the biggest tell is when they are confronted by it and they deny by turning it around onto their partner.
Usually, they deflect the behavior onto the accuser, or onto someone else entirely.
Maybe they blame their significant other for watching too many TV shows that put “crazy thoughts” into their head when in reality, they’ve simply figured out what’s been going on behind their back.
Our guts rarely misguide us. If someone witnesses multiple white lies from their partner, chances are they are having an affair.
There are many tell tale signs that your partner maybe cheating or engaging in extra curricular activities.
First and foremost, always go with your gut. Your intuition is rarely wrong, and that’s the first piece of advice I give my clients.
Second, when a person is engaging with someone other than their spouse, for whatever reason, they will be acting and behaving differently.
It can be the slightest changes like being more upbeat, excited, or just happier all around. The reason for that is they are engaging in something new, something exciting and new. That is bound to make anyone more upbeat!
On the other hand, some people feel guilt while they continue to communicate with someone outside of their relationship, which in turn makes them more agitated or picking fights.
You may notice that they’re quick to start an argument or disagree with you on the smallest issues.
The bottom line is nobody knows your partner like you, so chances are you will notice new behavior and a change in the everyday routine. They may start to hide their phone more, or pace it face down when they’re with you.
Chances are they will also be jumpier and guard their phone or computer more closely. Any change should be a sign of possible issues, especially if they’re not communicating with you as well as they did before.
When a partner cheats the signs include
No one likes to be cheated on. However, not knowing that someone’s cheating on you is equally as bad. That’s why it’s very important to notice the small changes in a person that signals that they’re cheating.
It won’t only rid you of the stress of not knowing, but also remove the blame away from you.
There are many signs that someone is cheating on you, but there are some changes in someone’s behavior that make it so obvious.
Here are four behavior changes when someone is cheating:
There’s very little to no physical touch. If your relationship involved a lot of physical touch and PDA, and suddenly they’re not into it anymore, it’s one clear sign.
This is a great shift in behavior that can signal that something’s up. If they’re no longer “lovey-dovey” with you, maybe there might be someone else they’re being lovey-dovey with.
They’re unusually jealous. When a person is cheating, they project it onto their partner. When they start becoming jealous and accusing you of cheating even if you’re not or there’s not even a slight reason to be, maybe they’re projecting. They’re guilty of doing what they're accusing you of. They do this to ease their own guilt.
They’re noticeably distracted. When they’re with you and they’re constantly distracted, it’s a very clear sign. Even when they’re just sitting beside you, it seems like their mind is wandering off to different places… or people.
When anything you say no longer interests them, and they seem to enjoy looking at their phone rather than you, maybe they have grown tired of the relationship and have moved on to someone else.
If you notice more than half of these signs in your partner, maybe it’s time to confront them at a good time when both of you are calm.
When you’re thinking that they may be cheating even with no proof, maybe there’s already something in your relationship to talk about. Be very observant of the signs.
If you notice more than half of these signs in your partner, maybe it’s time to confront them at a good time when both of you are calm.
When you’re thinking that they may be cheating even with no proof, maybe there’s already something in your relationship to talk about. Be very observant of the signs.
There are several indications that can help you know that your partner is cheating. The most obvious is that no one can do everything perfectly or have unlimited focus and time.
If your partner seems distant, spends less time with you, and doesn't want intimacy, these can all be signs.
Remember that cheating starts emotionally.
If your partner starts spending so much time with someone of the opposite sex that it takes away from your together time, it is the beginning of an affair.
If they turn to them instead of you to share themselves, you are no longer number one.
People who cheat often lie to you and themselves about what they're doing so the most important indication is how you feel as they will lie about their whereabouts, distance, or feelings. That's why it's called cheating.
So if you feel jealous, ignored, or lack physical and emotional proximity with your partner chances are something is wrong. Test the waters lovingly. Address your feelings and concerns with your partner, and see how they react.
If their reaction is defensive, blaming, or denying, something is wrong.
Request some boundaries on the relationship like coming home earlier or no more texting with the person in question.
If your partner won't negotiate, you may no longer have a partner who's with you in your relationship.
Ultimately, cheating is not just about what they are doing to you but how you are participating. If you have a partner that is not present, you are being "cheated" of what you deserve.
You're fully entitled to someone who's as present as you are. Don't cheat yourself by ignoring your feelings.
Do something about how you feel. Whether it's seeking the truth or stepping away, you're in charge of your actions in the relationship.
While "cheating" is a single word, the meaning, reason, and purpose behind it can have one too many explanations, and getting to the roots of the phenomenon is crucial to understanding and handling it right.
1. In the worst case, we have a true cheat. Here the partner in question has zero to negative interest and the thought of intimacy is close to being revolting.
The unambiguous sign is behavior that is impersonal, unconcerned, laconic in communication, vague in daily communication, and generally cold and toxic. If you poison the heart is, there's no coming back.
2. The light case scenario. Being "light", this one is actually the worst. Here we have a partner who systematically cheats with another person. Reasons here can vary, i.e. children, financial gains, social authority, or other dependencies.
You can recognize the case when the person in question puts time, effort, or money in his or her looks that obviously are not in your honor.
3. Okay, but if this isn't the only case, then what else is there? If your heart is one side of the coin, then flesh stands on the other. If we have the nymphomaniac situation, then you might spot no difference in behavior but on the contrary.
If your partner suffers the sickening urge of nymphomania, things can look and feel perfect until he or she does a mistake to expose the truth. People that have the sickness take details to a level of art and catching him or her redhanded happens either by luck or by strong intuition.
The explanation behind this is the constant and systematic "injections" of dopamine delivered from having systematic sex with other partners.
Usually, the time required for it gets masked as something as ubiquitous as going out with friends, having to travel for work, visiting family, and the list goes on.
There are people with families and children that can't stand a month without cheating. The condition has nothing to do with feelings nor love.
When it comes to cheating, changes in a person's behavior don't always prove that they are cheating however it could be a great indicator that something is wrong in your relationship.
On the other side of this, a person could have no changes in their behavior and still be cheating. Here is one behavioral pattern that might signal your partner is seeking love elsewhere.
Emotional distance is a big red flag when it comes to infidelity. If your partner acts a little quieter, depressed, sad or withdrawn, this could be a great indicator that something is wrong.
Most people withdraw from the other person because they can’t handle the guilt of being emotionally involved with someone meanwhile betraying their trust, so they create distance intentionally.
Sometimes creating emotional distance is done by picking an argument. Starting fights about seemingly mundane things and making their partner feel as though they can't do anything right. Splitting time between two people creates tension and aggravation.
An argument is a great way for them to escape so they can be with the other person and it also helps justify the cheating by giving them further justification for cheating on such an uncooperative partner.
If you notice changes in the following four categories of behavior then you might have a cheater on your hands.
First, if they start taking care of their body and appearance more than usual. Going to the gym or working out in the garage, a new haircut or style, new clothes…while these can all be indicators that they are prioritizing self-care, if these come out of the blue it could be problematic.
Second, if they are coming home later or are spending way less time than usual with you. They most likely have a very good excuse like work deadlines or taking on extra shifts.
And on its own that is not anything to worry about…but when combined with the other factors on this list, it could be helpful to gentle ask details about this extra work.
Third, if they usually want sex with you and stop wanting it or seeking it out.
And fourth, if they are more secretive with their phone screen or the visibility of their laptop, and get edgy if you get too close.
Hopefully, you never experience being cheated on, but if you repeatedly notice all of these behavioral changes, it’s time for a conversation!
These are some of the biggest I've seen.
MORE THAN JUST "EVIDENCE"
If you sense that they are, you might be onto something, especially if you used to feel secure in the relationship.
Couples have a kind of "psychic" connection together, and most often, when one person in the relationship is cheating, the other person can feel that shift in energy but may not have the "evidence."
THEY'RE LIKELY GASLIGHTING YOU
One of the reasons cheaters get away with cheating for as long as they do is because they often gaslight you; this means that they make you feel "crazy" for feeling how you feel, when really your intuition is completely on point.
With enough gaslighting, you will eventually learn to not trust yourself, and become preoccupied with working through that instead of the cheating part.
DO THEY DO THIS?
If you are looking for basic, day-to-day evidence, you might notice that they don't answer their phones near you, or just when you're walking up to them they strategically put their phone in their pocket just at the right time.
If they're going out, maybe, in the beginning, they have a "good excuse" why they're leaving the house, but after some time they become more and more vague.
They are suddenly obsessed with their phone
If your partner suddenly takes their phone with them everywhere, if they put a passcode on it after not having one for years, or if they are leaving social gatherings to go text privately, you might have a partner who is cheating or who is having an emotional affair.
If your partner starts moving through the world in a more secretive manner, this may be a red flag that they are not living honestly. If you are starting to notice behaviors like hiding their phone or computer screen when you walk in, or they suddenly click off the monitor, there is likely a reason. Trust your own gut.
One of the biggest telltale signs of cheating is a marked change in the way your partner uses their cell phone. A red flag to look out for is a sudden attachment to their phone.
If your once non-cell phone loving partner (who is known for leaving their phone lying around, obliviously missing calls and texts) uncharacteristically starts carrying their phone everywhere, you might want to tune in.
Secrecy is another sign they might be cheating. This could be anything from newly locking their phone with a passcode, tilting their screen so you can’t read their messages, abruptly turning off their phone, putting it on silent, or to always lying it face down.
If you start picking up on a few of these signs and also notice that how they text you seems somehow “off” meaning they no longer respond as quickly as before (or at all), they stop taking your calls or they have sent you a strange message that is completely out of character (and could have possibly been meant for their lover) you should stay alert.
And finally, probably the most obvious sign is a sense of unease when they get calls or texts in front of you.
Behaviors which are potentially indicative of cheating/an affair going on behind the scenes can vary greatly;
If you’re suspicious about this, look for changes in patterns of behaviors, that is changes that repeat consistently over time: your partner might suddenly look more distant and less communicative.
He or she may show greater care in their outward appearance (as they may way to impress the other), while showing less interest in intimacy (including sex) with you, or they may seem to have increased the rate at which they become unavailable on their phones.
Conversely, when an affair might be going on, the partner might suddenly become more caring towards you; preparing nice food and taking greater care of your home.
These latter behaviors may be a sign of the partner’s feelings of guilt for their betrayal. This may also happen as a result of a partner’s experience of a one-night stand with no intention to lead to a proper affair.
Overall, if an affair is going on, this will be more easily detectable to the observant partner as changes in patterns of behaviors will become more evident and unavoidable for the partner: they are, after all, living a separate, time consuming, and emotionally affecting life.
In my experience, a sudden change in behavior indicates that an affair is likely.
Many people who are cheating start to be very protective of their phones: they take their phone with them into the bathroom, they never leave the phone unattended, the phone is always locked, and they're very reluctant to let their partners use or look at their phone.
So I tell clients… if you see sudden "phone weirdness," be concerned.
The other big tell is missing time. If someone is gone for longer than you'd expect, or can't tell you where they've been or what they've been doing, be concerned.
Many people who are cheating go out to do an expected errand, i.e., to get groceries, and then tack on a little visit to their friend afterward.
So if market trips now take 3 hours when they used to be 45 minutes, something is probably going on.
Missing money, or withdrawing large chunks of cash, are also indicators of something suspicious.
Some changes in behavior tend to be more obvious, like noticing a person is more secretive, staying up later than usual, or checking their phone in anticipation of something (or someone).
A less obvious change in behavior may include a sort of aloofness or indifference. Cheating often happens as a result of built up frustrations around unmet needs. The cycle begins with those unmet needs getting expressed, which at times can lead to arguing. If the arguing is productive and both partners are reflective, then it will lead to positive change.
However, if it isn’t productive, or if one or both partners are unwilling to reflect on the problem, then the cheating partner may have reached a place of hopelessness, which is when they might look outside the relationship.
The original frustration may be gone because in their mind it is now a non-issue since the unmet need is now being met by an outside party. This is in line with the saying “the opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference.”
When your partner is angry with you, sometimes it might be because they are being unrealistic, but it can also be an indication of their investment in the relationship. They’re angry because they care.
It’s when partners go from caring to suddenly not caring (and you know it’s not because they have suddenly decided to accept who you are) that there might be cause for concern.
Today, most people catch their partner cheating through phone or social media use.
If your partner won't make your relationship public on social media allowing you to post photos together or be tagged in posts, etc-it could be a sign that he or she is trying to hide your relationship. But the biggest red flag is when your partner starts acting sneaky with their phone or social media.
Some clues: Keeping the phone facing down all the time, taking the phone everywhere (even to the bathroom!), keeping the phone on silent, trying to prevent you from seeing text messages, or keeping notifications off.
If he or she repeatedly and visibly gets anxious or angry when you come close to the screen, there is probably something to hide. If someone refuses to show you their phone when you ask, there may be a reason.
If you are seeing what is going on with their accounts, and there are a lot of "likes" of others who aren't friends and who look like their type-or random conversations with single men or women-something could be up.
If your gut says something is going on and if you feel the urge to look, there is a good chance you will find something you don't want to see.
Cheating behaviors are observed by being distant and elusive. The cheater may feel guilty and find unnecessary fault and flaws in their boyfriend or girlfriend.
The cheater might be busier than normal and overshare strange details to make up for their lapses in time and judgment.
Also, their schedule is suddenly different. Cheaters may become moody. It can be challenging to keep secrets (even our own) and they’ll try to pin problems or guilt on you and point out things you are doing wrong to take the spotlight off of them.
This manipulation tactic makes you look like the bad guy and protects the cheater.
You may notice you have significantly less sex than normal. They have excuses or say they want to cuddle instead. You might also notice a drop in public displays of affection.
You feel like you’re getting the shoulder. They ignore you or suggest you spend more time with friends.
Lastly, they ask what you think about cheating or what you would do if you found out about the cheating.
They’re truly interested because they are trying to make a decision on what to do. Be honest with yourself and speak your truth.
There are two areas I believe point to challenges in a relationship - where fidelity might be questioned. The first is apathy.
When apathy hits a relationship, where someone seems disengaged, or the energy to cultivate connection has waned, it may serve as an indicator that someone is emotionally distancing themselves.
The second, is a culture of mistruths. There is something to note, a person who can easily share untruth to others has a strong probability to share mistruths with me.
Often in relationships when cheating occurs we feel hurt, betrayed, and anger- on a deeper level though, some of us while experiencing the emotions just mentioned, deep down are not surprised. Be mindful of where apathy has set in, and your partner has become comfortable with mistruths - it is in those two spaces that you may find the answer to whether or not your partner is faithful.
When a partner is cheating, you often feel like something is off, so trust your intuition. If you have a gut feeling that something is not quite right, that may be the first sign that your partner is being unfaithful.
There are also many tangible signs that a partner may be cheating.
1) You may catch your partner lying about what seems like something trivial, like where he ate lunch. Often lying about small things can mean there is something bigger he is trying to hide.
If he feels guilty about meeting the other woman for Chinese food, he may tell you he had pizza for lunch.
2) Your partner begins to pull away or shut down emotionally. He doesn’t want to talk a lot and starts becoming emotionally distant.
3) Your sex life changes. Often, an affair can lead to changes in your sex life. Your partner may be less interested in you sexually or the opposite can happen.
A cheating partner may engage in more sex at home. You may also notice him trying new things in the bedroom.
4) He has a new friend group that you’re not a part of. He may start going out with friends that you have never met.
5) His routine changes. He may start spending more time at work or the gym. He may start doing new things or going to new places.
There are a number of indicators that could suggest that suggest that a person is cheating.
One indicator is if the person is no longer interested in being intimate with you. This is not always the case, as other issues could be the cause, such as stress, which is very common now that we have a global pandemic, but it is still one thing you can keep in mind.
Another indicator is if a person is being very secretive. They won’t tell you what they are doing, they won’t let you see their phone, they won’t tell you where they’ve been, etc.
I do not suggest that you integrate your partner as this may cause them to be more secretive or even drive them away, especially if they are not cheating.
Sometimes when we get ideas in our head, such as, I think my partners cheating because they are always on their phone, our behavior becomes obsessive and erratic, and we tend to see things that are not necessarily there.
So I caution people if they think their partner could be cheating, to try and think practically and rationally.
For example, one reason why they could be so secretive is they are planning a surprise party for your birthday. So you need to consider other variables as well and not jump to conclusions.
If your partner stops talking to you as often or they are missing for periods of time, this could also be indication that they are cheating.
Finally, an obvious indication would be if they smell like they are wearing a females perfume or you find they have underwear that does not belong to you. If they are not cheating it is very obvious that there needs to still be a serious conversation about why they have such items. It is critical for the health of your relationship.
There are some classic changes in a partner’s behavior that is cheating.
Red flags include
While some of these may happen on occasion when cheating is not present, it is the change from past behavior that is worth noting with the sudden appearance of one or more of these occurring with consistency and without any reasonable or valid explanation.
1. Over protection of privacy and access to digital interactions
Secrecy is one the most common elements of infidelity. Secrecy manifests in a variety of ways:
2 Engaging in selfish behaviors
When you don't feel close to someone, you are less inclined to think and or care about their needs and desires, because you feel that they don’t care about yours.
3 Superficial conversations
Lack of intimacy breeds a lack of trust and a decrease in vulnerability. This means you are less likely to have a deep, soulful conversation with your partner about your hopes, dreams, and the things that bother you.
4 Living Separate lives
When the bond is strong, we tend to spend a lot of time with our partners enjoying mutual activities. When the bond is weak, couples start drifting apart and seek out separate activities alone or with other people that they feel close to.
You can always spot a cheating partner. They follow a pattern that is easy to figure out. The first telling sign is when they change a routine, something they have been doing for years.
All of a sudden they have to work on Saturdays when they were always home on the weekends. They start to make excuses like they are tired, they want to just go to sleep and be left alone. They do not look you in the eye. There is less sex or none.
You notice he/she is wearing cologne or dressing just a little nicer. There are little lies all over the place. But the most telling part is that you know, you feel it and sense it.
Your intuition and your heart are gnawing at you. You have a feeling. They are away more often. If they feel guilty, you might get more gifts and presents.
Strange changes are taking place, oh so subtle, but oh so telling. Cheaters always are found out through texts and credit card bills. Tell them you know and see their reaction. Be kind to yourself and believe in what you feel.
There are some common behaviors which may signify that your partner is cheating.
The first big one is a change in appearance such as new clothes, frequent showers, shaving more often, etc which could demonstrate an effort to impress someone else.
Another behavior change is using the phone in a sneaky way. They may put their phone with the face down on the table, spend extra time in the bathroom with their phone and avoid receiving questionable texts in your presence.
A strong indicator of infidelity is a lack of or change in intimacy. Either your partner withholds sex or seems distant while being intimate with you.
Finally, a cheater’s affect may seem angry, anxious, and paranoid around you. If you are in a longer relationship, your partner may get short, angry or blame you for things that don’t make sense which is usually a reflection of something that they are doing.
Changes in a person’s behavior that can indicate cheating many times is demonstrated in the secretive use of phone or computer.
In a trusting and honest relationship, the desire to be open and transparent, while maintaining healthy boundaries is honored.
When cheating is present a person tends to use their phone or computer more frequently and guard their devices. Creating passwords, suddenly deleting texts, and clearing of the browser's history on a frequent basis is a behavior of secrecy that suggests a red flag.
Altered schedules such as having to work late, suddenly needing to travel for work, spending extra time at the gym, having car trouble, or forgetting important events signals signs infidelity is possible.
Unexplained expenses, fading of emotional intimacy, less or more sex in your relationship, and periods of time they are “busy” and “unreachable” are all indications it may be time to affirm the commitment to the current relationship.
Often they begin to look after themself better, watching what they eat, how they dress and they pay considerably more attention to their hair, skin external looks. Some join a gym to improve the look and shape of their body.
The cheating partner may start to wear cologne or perfume, wear more attractive or brand new underwear or lingerie. They may start to have an unexplained absence from their phone or missing time.
Cheaters can become short and snappy with their partner and lose interest in affection or sex. They will keep their phone very close, taking it into the bathroom with them, and keep texts very secretive.
Most will tell their partner how crazy they are if they are challenged of having an affair creating their partner to second guess their thoughts and feelings.
They can respond with excessive anger when questioned about their faithfulness and often use these challengers as the reason they may have strayed therefore passing the blame onto their partner for their cheating.
The partner of the cheater may notice a change in the cheater's body language as they become more disengaged with their partner and children as their new focus is on themself and their new sexual desire.
It is always a bit dangerous to judge intent from a person’s behavior but, if your partner has started doing things out of character, it is important not to ignore it.
It won’t necessarily mean they are cheating but these changes can be an indication that all is not well. Some things that can raise red flags:
They spend more time away from you. Working late or more hours with no specific reason—big project, deadline, etc. Finding reasons not to do things with you that they have always done. Hanging out with single friends or at bars may be worth asking about.
They clam up about things they used to share with you. This can be anything from locking their phone, hiding their Social Media accounts, not naming co-workers they spend time with, or anything else that excludes you from major aspects of their lives.
Catching them in lies and having them turn it on you. Becoming defensive is normal but accusing you of snooping, questioning your motives, or otherwise dismissing or “gaslighting” you are red flags.
Cheating is only one negative possibility but all of these behaviors are problematic for your relationship.
There are no sure-fire signs that a partner is cheating and if you’re concerned that they are, I highly recommend that you talk about your concerns.
You don’t need to launch accusations, but you can bring up how you’re feeling and why you’re feeling concerned. Try to begin with your own feelings first rather than criticizing your partner’s behaviour.
Consider these prompts:
I feel that…
I worry that…
The story I’m telling myself is…
I’m looking for some reassurance…
While communication is essential to any relationship, you may find yourself upset in response to significant changes in behaviour without explanation.
This doesn’t mean you ought to jump to conclusions and conclude that they’re cheating, but simply that you may want to have a conversation.
For example, if they’re being highly secretive with technology (e.g. closing their laptop, hiding their phone, changing passwords) and this is a change in behaviour, perhaps you want to ask them if they’d be open to talking about this.
Of course, they may simply want more privacy (and they’re perfectly entitled to their own private life), but discussing these boundaries may help you to better understand their behaviour.
I want to emphasize that there are no sure-fire signs that your partner is cheating. Some folks who cheat are highly engaged in the relationship and others night withdraw.
Some folks who cheat are secretive with technology and others seem to be wide open. Some folks who cheat spend lots of time at home and others seem to be out all the time.
And some folks who cheat will shower you with affection while others will pull back and give you the cold shoulder.
The bottom line is that if you’re not feeling secure or you’re suspicious of your partner’s behaviour, it’s time to start a conversation.
The changes can be they seem happier, less reactive to you where they normally might argue or start a fight. They seem more attentive and willing to do things they had not been willing to do.
The reason is their focus is on their extracurricular activity with someone else, they do not want to be found out either and may not realize it seems strange to their mate that they are agreeable where they had been combative. There is definitely a change in behavior.
At the same time, it can go completely the other way if they are not just cheating but looking to leave you.
One of the most surprising changes in behaviour of a cheating spouse is actually a change for the better. They can start to pay more attention, buy more gifts, spend more 'quality time' with you, and basically be more attentive and nurturing.
This is often used as a mechanism to offset the guilt they feel by cheating.
It allows them to justify their cheating by rationalising that they're being a better spouse while doing so, which makes it ok (in their head and their head only). Everyone wins, so what's the harm??!!
Whilst this doesn't happen in every situation, I've seen it happen in roughly 25% of the situations I've worked with.
There are plenty more obvious ones like hiding their phone, keeping odd hours, spending extra time with their friends, unexplained absences, unexplained expenses, last-minute work trips.
A change is a shift to do something different or become something different. Drastic changes without any communication to why your partner is changing could be a sign that he or she is cheating.
Healthy relationships are transparent, vulnerable, and embrace having tough conversations.
However, all relationships go through shifts and conflicts. Healthy conflict is great but dishonesty can cause assumptions that may or may not be true.
If you ever find yourself in a position wondering if your partner is cheating, allow me to provide you three signs that could be confirmation that your partner may be cheating.
Pay attention if your spouse or significant other begins to be wierd about there phone.
What I mean by weird is of they immediately try to hide what they were previously doing or become defensive when you inquire about what they were doing.
Turning the phone face down or quickly switching to another browser when you sit by them can definitely be a sign that your partner is being dishonest.
Another sign is a sudden change of appearance. An abrupt change of appearance is a tell-tell sign that they may be cheating.
Specifically, if it's out of the ordinary for your partner. Changes could include working out all of sudden, enhanced grooming, or a new wardrobe.
Lastly, if your partner all of a sudden wants more or less sex, it could mean they are getting their needs met elsewhere or they are attempting to cover up their deception.
Remember the key to knowing if your partner is cheating is the awareness of the signs discussed, trusting you're intuition, communicating about your concerns.
You have to realize that you have the choice to seek professional help or decide the relationship may not serve you.
There are many physical cues a partner can give to indicate their change in desire such as working out more when they have been a couch potato for years or taking more pride in their appearance.
They may start hiding their phone more when it used to be out in the open or be secretive about their whereabouts during the day when they use to tell you everything.
While there are many physical clues that a partner is or is considering cheating, the best and most reliable information is energetically related.
You know your partner, their routine, their habits, and their manner of thinking. When you see changes in those areas, you will naturally get an intuitive feeling that something is not quite right. Trust that.
Now whether it's a bad surprise (cheating) or good surprise (proposal) depends on how YOU feel within yourself. If you feel like something is sinister or not quite right, you already know.
Trust what you feel and do your best to get validation in the form of visual or auditory cues. Your intuition never lies so trust it and you will develop awareness about their intentions.
Some behaviors that can indicate that someone is cheating are as follows:
Your significant other all of a sudden joins a gym, starts to care more about their appearance, doesn't have as much of an interest in sex with you, has new interests, and puts a passcode on their phone or always places their phone screen down.
In addition, if your significant other starts to be extra nice and makes grand gestures of love, like sending flowers and lots of little gifts, this could indicate cheating because they feel guilty, so they start to shower you with love to make up for their feelings of guilt.
Every person and every relationship is different, so you shouldn't make assumptions; instead, have an honest conversation with your significant other and let them know that you sense something is going on.
You can ask them if they are happy in the marriage because they feel distant to you, and their behavior has changed.
Before listing some common warning signs - a caveat: context is important, as is trusting your gut.
There may be many explanations for any one common sign - I generally encourage partners to give each other the benefit of the doubt.
That said, if you notice consistent patterns re below, and/or your gut advises further inquiry, would courageously listen.
As a sex and couples’ therapist who regularly works with infidelity and unhappy relationships, I’d say that the question of “Is s/he cheating” - which often leads to paranoid conversations, email and smartphone checking, passive-aggressive behavior, etc. - would not be as telling as questions like “How is our connection?,” and “Is my partner getting excitement and fulfillment in their life?”
A huge function of sex and intimacy is to forge a long-term, fulfilling connection with someone, and as that need to connect is satisfied the need to wander generally diminishes.
Thus it’s rare to discover an affair happening within a couple that regularly enjoys intimate eye gazing, shared jokes, fun family time, joint travel experiences, a rich social life, shared spiritual connection, great work-life balance, and great sex, especially when both partners feel like they are accepted as their authentic selves.
That said, sometimes people can be quite content in their marital bubble, but still long for thrills and excitement.
We learn that when we enter into long-term bonds that it’s important to get those needs met as well, whether with our partners or with friends, by participating in hobbies, travel, dancing, or whatever does it for you.
People choose to be in an intimate or marriage relationship because each partner believes they share the same love and desire to spend your lives together. But we don't always know upfront each partner's definition and design of love, which can be polar opposites.
At the beginning of every relationship, there is a honeymoon phase when we do our best to love and serve one another.
However, the next phase often reveals the differences in what we have come to accept as good or normal love because we live in real life.
When you see the signs below in your relationship, it's time to find out what each of you believes is pure love, and if you are committed to living your lives together.
Call it intuition. Call it a sinking feeling in your gut. It starts with an inner knowing that something is just “not quite right.” Truthfully, 9 times out of 10 you are probably right - something really is off. But is infidelity the culprit? Here are a few ways to find out:
Having Sex Less Often
When a partner is stepping out, their sexual attention is focused elsewhere … and sadly not on you. This may show itself in a significant drop in physical intimacy with you.
…But Also Having Sex MORE Often
A partner may overcompensate for their dishonest behavior by having more sex with you than usual. Notice new tricks and techniques in the bedroom; In short, any significant change in your sex life is something to take note of.
Intense chemistry naturally fades after the high of the honeymoon phase, but typically this is replaced by deeper emotional vulnerability and connection. We start to share our inner worlds with each other and build long-lasting intimacy.
When infidelity is present, the willingness to connect decreases. There’s often less desire and motivation to be genuinely curious about your day or how you’re doing.
Denial, Denial, Denial
If you bring up the topic of cheating and you get a huge overreaction of opposition from your significant other, you may have cause for concern.
A guilty partner may gaslight, shift the blame on you, become defensive, or resort to name-calling. As Shakespeare said when “thou dost protest too much …” there is usually something to protest about.
Keep in mind that these behaviors are not always the signs that an affair is afoot. Rather, an opportunity to voice your concerns.
If you’re being met with dismissal or hostility it’s probably time to reevaluate your relationship boundaries and needs by having an honest conversation with your partner.
When our needs are not being met as children we color on the walls or scream for our parents, but when we get older we get more creative.
When an individual looks outside of their relationship it's a clear sign that their needs or wants are not being met.
While there can be many signs that an individual is cheating, below I‘ve outlined a few.
Change in intimacy can be a large sign something has changed in the relationship and that needs may be being met elsewhere.
Beginning to value extreme privacy when previously was casual with passwords and locking devices can also be a sign that someone no longer wants you to have access to their information.
Presenting as extremely defensive can also show up as a sign that an individual is being unfaithful because defensiveness can spill into multiple areas of your life when you’re feeling as though you need to protect yourself.
In my practice some of the signs someone is cheating are they start buying new clothes, accessories and cosmetics.
They start to change their style. They may start showing up late to meet you or they may be in a rush to leave.
Another red flag of betrayal is that the person cheating on you starts putting you down for no apparent reason.
It's as if by finding fault in you and distorting reality, they somehow justify their behavior and ease their conscience. At the end of the day, it's self-deception.
I avoid giving checklists of behaviors that a person can then use to scrutinize their partner's actions.
Particularly at issue is while such a checklist might be an indicator of sex outside the relationship, the behaviors may just as equally have rather benign antecedents.
If you have suspicions about a change in a partner's behavior, rather than play the role of private investigator in your relationship, be direct about your concerns. If a behavior seems odd, you are well within your right to ask.
I suggest asking from a place of curiosity rather than making a pure accusation. "Behavior X is new, and I'm not fully sure what to make of it. What's that all about?"
Trust your gut if the response is cagey or shifty. If you have no reason to suspect infidelity but are looking for clues as to signals you might be missing, I propose there might be some underlying problems with trust here that might have nothing to do with your partner.
Having a conversation early on, before you even suspect cheating, about how you will handle these issues is often more beneficial.
For example, it will be far more effective to model for your partner that you are open and willing to communicate about issues such as sexual boredom and an understanding that you will both likely be tempted by others, and then discuss how you will manage this together.
They suddenly become Santa Claus
Won’t you start hearing alarm bells when you receive gift after gift “for no reason at all?” Your partner is probably trying to suppress his guilt by showering you with gifts.
They know they’re in the wrong, and them becoming Santa Claus is their idea of making it up to you.
Getting mad or upset at you for no reason
Partners, if cheating on their partners, often feel guilty of their actions. Most of the time, they would put that blame on you and become hostile towards your relationship.
They tell you that you've changed a lot; that you don't look and act the same when you married, too needy but not appreciative enough. It would feel like there's nothing you could do to appease them.
They are always tired.
Whether they are cheating sexually or emotionally, this can be draining for them. The guilt, the anxiousness of getting caught, and pressure of time management can make them both physically and mentally tired.
There’s a limit to what a person can handle, and juggling two (or more) relationships at a time is not really easy.
If your partner has gone from being emotionally connected to you to seeming emotionally distant, that is worth paying attention to.
Assuming there are no other reasons for your partner's changed behavior, like a newly stressful change in life or perhaps depression or grief then it may be a sign that your partner no longer feels that they can share themselves fully with you.
That they have instead withdrawn their emotional energy.
That can be a risk factor for them looking to meet their needs elsewhere. And while that doesn't necessarily involve an affair, it does increase the risk.
There are a number of changes that can be noticed when a person starts cheating or having an affair, some of the most common would be;
The classic signs of cheating are:
Long-term committed relationships are based on the premise that you ‘really know your partner’. It’s learning the predictable habits that make us feel emotionally secure.
When unexplained changes in personality and habits take place, there should be at least some cause for concern.
If the communication you once had with your partner is now strained, short, or infrequent then it is possible that they are getting their need for communication somewhere else.
If the frequency of sexual intimacy has noticeably decreased OR increased in your relationship, then something (or someone) may be fulfilling your partner’s sexual needs, creating sexual frustration, or making your partner feel guilty.
An early warning sign is a change in social media habits; if your partner is more active on social media without any noticeable reason, then understand that he/she is getting a need met.
I’ve seen many relationships that have crumbled when iPhones, laptops, and social media accounts are suddenly protected more thoroughly than Fort Knox.
While everyone should have a measure of privacy, it is the sudden change in your partner’s behavior that should be a red flag.
As you can see, the biggest indicators that a partner may be cheating are unexplained changes in personality and behaviors.
If you notice a change in your partner, take the initiative and engage in thoughtful, non-confrontational talk to openly communicate your concern.
There are many reasons why people change; give your partner the benefit of an honest conversation.
A big indicator is the lack of transparency. Does your partner begin to omit information about their day to day life or expenses?
Does your partner become very protective of their phone? Does your partner lie about their whereabouts? Do they tell you conflicting information?
If your partner used to be open and communicative and all of a sudden it seems like they are keeping things from you this is a red flag.
If they go from using “we” language to “I.” Speaking in terms of “we” is referring to us as a team and suggests that they are committed to building a life with you.
Language is very powerful, if we notice this change in the language we would want to explore the why.
If they begin to create distance, emotional, and/ or physical, this would also be a significant red flag.
The distance might be created by sleeping on the couch, spending time in their home office instead of in common areas where you can interact, shutting down when you try to engage in conversation, flaking on plans you make together, and when you are together picking fights.
These are three major signs that something is “off” in the relationship that needs to further be explored, and often come up when infidelity is taking place.
Being direct and confronting your partner about the behavioral changes you have noticed might be the best way to have certainty and be able to make the best decision for your future.
If your partner suddenly departs from typical behaviors this may be an indication that there is an outside distraction or stressor that could include an affair with another person.
For instance, if your partner is generally calm and non-confrontational and suddenly seems agitated and verbally combative or aggravated with questions regarding recent events that could be an indication.
If suddenly work hours shift or time away from the partnership increases with a decrease in interests generally shared by the couple this can be another indication.
Finally, if you question your partner because you have a "gut" feeling or you have loose evidence and your partner constantly gaslights you with phrases like, "You are being ridiculous..." Or, "You're crazy..."
Or, invalidating your recollection of events with, "That's not what I said/how it happened.." - this repeated avoidance of the topic or turning the concern back to you could indicate an affair.
If your partner is not having an affair, while an initial response might be defensive, a loving and respectful partner will want to positively move the relationship forward by willingly communicating.
One of the things I have seen a lot of times is that the cheating partner is changing the energy-level around the family.
Often the cheating partner becomes happier, takes more care of the way he looks, and more involved.
All of these changes happen because the person is bringing energy into the relationship from the affair.
A person may become more distant in emotional and physical intimacywhen participating in some form of infidelity.
An example of distancing from emotional intimacy would be toa noticeable difference in how a person is interacting in normal conversations.
Has this person’s willingness to listen or participate in dialogue changed? Has the tone of voice changed? Has there been a change in the rate and length of eye contact when talking?
Another example of emotional distancing would be the levelof attention that a person gives to the partner.
Is the time together filled with distraction, with a person consistently spending time on the phone or escaping to another room to acquire “personal space”?
The most obvious form of a distancing of physical intimacy has to do with the sex life. If there has been a dramatic shift in sex, that could raise suspicion. But it doesn’t have to all be about sex.
Is there less hand-holding, or are reasons or excuses made not to hold hands? Maybe your partner used to rub your shoulders or back but is no longer doing so.
It could also look like your partner giving you a kiss goodbye before leaving for work in the morning.
Not all cheating partners will display the same cheating behaviors, as the cheating behavior will be unique to each cheating individual and their present relationship situation.
However, every cheating individual can provide subtle and sometimes not so subtle clues that may be hard to read and other times be quite obvious.
Some of these behaviors are not predictors alone and are usually accompanied by other behaviors.
For example, a cheating partner may lack emotional and physical intimacy, along with suddenly having to stay later at work and also work weekends.
The lack of emotional and physical intimacy is not a cheating predictor itself if it is not accompanied by other cheating behaviors.
The lack of emotional and physical intimacy can also be due to constant fighting and arguing, which tends to make partners feel and be distant from each other.
But, if you notice other suspicious behaviors in addition to lack of intimacy, then you can take them as red flags.
Other red flags that may point to cheating can include, a sudden change in their appearance and/or hygiene.
If you notice that they are buying new clothes, dressing really nice to work, putting on that expensive perfume or cologne, and they have a sudden interest in working out, chances are that they are trying to impress someone new.
A cheating partner will also be going through the euphoric phase of a relationship, just as everyone typically does in the beginning stages of a romantic relationship.
During this phase, their new love interest will be constantly on their mind, they will try to pursue them quite often, they will wine and dine them, and put a lot of effort into their secret relationship.
It is around this time that a cheating partner will begin to miss family gatherings, break pre-made plans with their partner and even their children, start “working overtime”, etc.
The victim of the cheating partner may even notice large fund withdrawals from their bank account and other suspicious money activity on their bank account and credit card statements.
These are some of the behaviors that can signal a red flag for infidelity and should not be dismissed.
The secret to identifying a cheating partner is identifying moves off of the baseline. The baseline is what they normally do and how they act. The better grasp you have on this, the easier spotting deviations.
For example—your partner always comes home at 9 pm from work and now they're getting home at 11 pm.
Or maybe your partner never takes a shower after running to the store but now they do.
While sometimes these can be explainable changes in behavior, moves off the baseline should be red flags for further investigation.
When either of the partner in the relationship is cheating, it is very much visible in his/her daily behaviors. But the sure-shot sign that first makes itself visible is that they start working late.
This can be either in the lieu of meeting his/her newfound love after office or to dodge your skeptical stare.
But if the other partner is convinced that they are late because of work, the other sign that cannot go unnoticed is the change in appearance.
They start to pay extra attention to how they look, and might even start to shop more, wear new cologne, or even make new hairstyles.
Apart from that, a cheating partner will start arguments on silly issues in an attempt to hide the guilt and convince oneself that they are right to cheat on you.
Often they will try to end this argument by leaving the house because what better way to calm the infuriating mind than to spend some time with the other man/woman.
Sexual behavior of your partner is also bound to change when they are seeing another person outside of your preview.
They will either start wanting more in order to cover up the guilt or start withdrawing itself from intimate situations because they are getting their physical needs fulfilled elsewhere.
Certain changes in your partner's behavior can indicate cheating. Some of them include if your partner became very secretive suddenly.
Meaning that they go into the other room to talk or even text on the phone or they choose to get on social media away from you so that there is no possible chance that you can see what they are doing.
These can be indications that they are hiding something.
Also, gaslighting can be an indication of partners cheating.
If you were to ask if your partner if they are cheating, question where they have been, or ask other specific questions about their behavior and they start to gaslight or overreact to deflect from the real issue at hand or to just avoid answering your question all together.
This could also be an indication of cheating.
When your partner no longer puts the effort into the little details that showed love and affection toward you, then you might consider where their attention is going or to whom.
When it comes to cheating there are several indicators that are red flags and they should be noticed and considered.
They no longer pay attention to your queues or they are inconsistent with how they respond to you.
While intuition plays a big role in determining what may be going on with your partner, the best indicator is the inconsistent behavior that no longer honors the patterns you have set up as a couple.
It's important to remember that there are so many different ways to cheat, and people's definitions of what "counts" as cheating vary considerably. So the signs of cheating will be different depending on exactly what is going on.
For example, if someone is having a physical relationship with a co-worker, they may come home late and continuously find reasons to go to the office on the weekends, or even create fictional business trips.
But if someone is having an affair with someone they've met online, or are physically far away from, the signs may be different - the person may start spending more time online or start spending time online at odd hours of the day, or might start taking long walks for the purpose of making phone calls.
It really depends on the nature of the situation, AND it's important to remember that some people are incredibly meticulous about covering their tracks.
I always advise clients who are concerned about changes in their partner's behavior to stay alert but avoid jumping to conclusions.
Sometimes people stay late at the office because they really do have more work to do. Sometimes people start going for walks because they've discovered the joy of walking.
But sometimes changes in behavior are indeed indications that something funny is going on.
It all starts with a text that makes your partner smile, with a compliment they get from someone. Many times, it starts with friendship which, eventually, evolves into something more.
Everyone needs to feel loved and your partner, subconsciously, forms a bond between themselves and another person. That’s a so-called emotional affair that flies under the radar, and sometimes we're not aware it's happening until it's too late.
Your partner seems changed. The first thing you want to look at is yourself. How is your partner’s behavior or your vibe when you meet that other person? Have they started doing yoga, taking care of their diet, or their appearance? That’s great for them, but it's time to ask yourself: Who are they doing all these for?
While not every couple is super affectionate, seeing declines in your intimacy level with your partner should be a huge red flag. The physical connection is what separates a romantic relationship from all others.
Even if you communicate with your partner some, if you don’t engage with them fully then your marriage can quickly become loveless.
Sudden increases or decreases in your partner's sex drive. It's very common for the sex drive of the partner that's cheating to having a major increase or decrease while they're being unfaithful.
A decrease is more common and typically happens because your partner's sexual needs are being met elsewhere.
An increase can often happen as well if that partner is feeling guilty about their cheating. As a way of dealing with their guilt, they try to use sex to make up to their partner and cover up their cheating.
They're always offering to corroborate their stories. One of the more noticeable behaviors that cheaters can adopt is that they suddenly feel the need to provide supporting evidence or witnesses to everything they do.
They start acting like you don't trust them because they know that you shouldn't be.
If your partner begins to volunteer witnesses for even innocent outings like going to the grocery store there is a good chance they're hiding something from you.
They feel the need to get dressed up even for small errands that end up taking hours. Most of us don't bother to get all dressed up when running to the store or going to the post office.
If your partner starts feeling the need to really look their best every time they go out alone to run errands it's suspicious. This is especially true if those errands are taking hours and they come home empty-handed.
When it comes to cheating, there are telltale signs that can indicate that your significant other might be cheating. Here are some signs:
Your spouse is not engaging in trust promoting behaviors.
This can look like hiding their phone constantly, being secretive about personal belongings, sudden changes in their normal routines, etc.
Inconsistencies in small or great matters like dramatic up and downs in emotional states and behaviors, frequent lies, drastic changes in appearance, a lot of time spent away unaccounted for, etc.
While traditional signs of your partner cheating on you are evidenced by their new workout and working late, the digital age has created layers of opportunities to cheat.
Coupled with traditional behaviors of cheating, digital cheating includes the following:
If your partner is not one to Snapchat or post on Instagram, but have the apps, know they are having conversations, sexting, and video chats with their part-time lover.
Why? New aged apps offer a quick and easy way to create untraceable interaction pathways with others.
A decrease in Porn:
If your partner regularly watches porn, and this has reduced, it is likely your partner is being pleasured in real-time, and not by you.
Your Partner is Too Relaxed After Using Their Phone:
While memes and GIFs can relax you, extended periods of time with this new found relaxation means that your partner may not be physically cheating, but is micro-cheating via intimate romantic messages.
If a man feels unessential, the likelihood of him cheating increases by a 10 fold. These are biological components that connect humans to commitment, and without it, we will seek intimacy elsewhere.
There are various signs that a partner might be cheating on you such as
It's important to keep in mind that people can show some of these after trauma of some sort. We are presently dealing with the Covid19 Crisis which has also caused ripples in people's relationships.
Many of those that I've spoken to in the past may have had different reasons they felt their partner was cheating but one common element was a strong gut feeling something was going on.
There are several signs that could indicate that a partner is cheating. One is a sudden change in protectiveness over a phone.
For example, a new password set-up where there wasn't one, turning the phone upside down when that wasn't before the norm, or tilting their phone away when you are present.
Staying out late or more often can also be a sign as well as avoiding giving details when asked.
Keep in mind these don't definitively mean a partner is cheating so it's important to have an open and vulnerable conversation voicing your concerns (and this is important before things even get to this point in a relationship).
You also want to be careful that an anxious attachment style isn't driving any unnecessary suspicion or jealousy.
One change you might see in a person's behavior that could indicate they're cheating is that they start keeping their phone much more guarded.
Where they used to leave it on the table, now they take it with them when they leave the room.
When they're in the room, they're keeping it on their body, or if it's on the table, they start deliberately putting it face down. Perhaps they also change their password or put one on when before they left it unlocked.
These changes might point to something they're trying to hide.
Of course, one should not assume that such behaviors necessarily mean they're cheating - but they certainly bear further exploration.
Here are some changes to watch for that may indicate your partner is cheating.
Red flags for a cheating partner are not one size fits all. Sure, you have the usual signs: staying out extra late, not coming home right after work, being secretive, acting “off”, a lack of interest in sex with you, not being as physically affectionate, hiding messages, catching them in lies big and small.
But, then you have some cheaters who don’t fit that category. You feel your relationship is good, or even great and it can come out of nowhere.
Some people, narcissists usually, are really good at lying and hiding things and making you feel like the crazy one when you do start to question them.
Honestly, the best way to prevent cheating in a relationship is to create clear detailed boundaries around and within your relationship.
To work on effective and completely honest communication, so that if ever one of you felt like you wanted to cross those boundaries you can go to your partner and talk about it to find what it is that’s missing in your relationship, or sometimes it’s a mindset change needed by one partner.
And last but not least, building on the connection between you both.
Here are some warning signs that there might be infidelity occurring:
It's not easy to hide infidelity. Coupled with lying and secretive behavior, there is usually a sudden shift in the way one partner relates to the other, which can be an indicator that something fishy is going on.
The number one sign that someone is probably cheating is that something in their routine or habits changes. If they’re seeing someone else, they obviously have to make time for that person. Put yourself in their shoes. If they were cheating, where would they be able fit in time to see the 3rd party?
Also, we’re creatures of habit and don’t like to change, so if something does change, there’s usually a good reason for that.
Those changes would be:
Any of these signs (except for the last one) in and of themselves don’t mean there’s infidelity, however, the more signs you see, the higher the likelihood that your partner is being unfaithful.
When the infidelity takes place, one could exhibit a wide range of behaviors. These behaviours can be considered as possible signs of disloyalty.
For instance, the “injured” party often feels that their partner is not fully present while interacting with them, and seems distraught or withdrawn.
There also may be sudden and unexplainable changes in their mood.
They may become irritable or depressed, or in contrary, they may become cheery, upbeat, and flamboyant in ways that are not typical of them otherwise.
I should add that even though some of the signs listed above may indicate that the partner had been unfaithful, these changes may not be indicative of infidelity, but instead may possibly be occurring due to some other unrelated causes.
Trust your gut feeling. If you have too many reasons to think your partner is cheating or lying – they probably do.
On the other hand, with enough imagination, it's possible to interpret just about any “out of character” action as a sign of cheating.
Constant accusations, as well as acting suspicious and controlling can not only drive you two apart but cause your partner to actually cheat.
And finally, remember, that people often cheat not because they are tired of their partner but because they are tired of themselves.
It's not always easy to tell if your partner is cheating, depending on how good of a liar they are. Some of the more subtle clues that they might be having an affair include:
1) A sudden change in hygiene habits - more showers - especially right when they get home - or extra aftershave or make-up use.
2) Showing greater affection, being more helpful around the house, or bringing flowers. Sometimes a person will feel guilty and also happier so they start being nicer to you out of the blue.
3) Turning their phone or computer away from view when texting or emailing to make sure you don't see their exchanges with their lover.
4) Giving you much more detailed stories about what they do when they are away from you. While people think a better story will be more believable, usually people only go into tons of detail when they don't want you to know where they actually were.
5) Expressing more jealousy or possessiveness - they know they are having an affair so they suspect you might be doing it too.
From my experience, the following behaviours can possibly indicate a cheater:
In my experience cheating is just a manifestation of other problems that already exist in the marriage. Usually, those problems stem from a lack of communication and financial difficulties.
When the tension boils over, it can lead to one or both parties having affairs to relieve some of the pressure.
One of the telltale signs that your partner may be cheating on you is that their phone always goes to voicemail.
When you find it increasingly difficult to get in touch with your spouse and never know their whereabouts-that may be a sign that they are participating in a new venture that you are not a part of.
Second, if there is a noticeable change in your partner's behavior and activities that seemed to have come out of the blue, this too could be a sign. Are they all of a sudden working out or purchasing a new wardrobe?
Third, has your spouse become increasingly impatient with you? Are they snapping more than usual or acting super defensive? Is it more difficult to engage in basic conversation?
These are just some of the changes in behavior that may indicate your partner is having an affair. It's also helpful to look at the big picture and examine their history.
Have they cheated in past relationships? This could be an accurate predictor of what will occur with you.
It's all about the phone. If your partner suddenly changes their phone behavior, enough that you notice it, this is a potential red flag.
Phones are simultaneously the vehicles of affairs and often the downfall of affairs.
The primary fear is having their phone out of their control and their spouse seeing a wayward text or app that may cause questioning.
Cheating is something that many individuals fear in a relationship. Here are the ten most common signs that your partner could be cheating on you:
1) Emotionally distant: Your partner starts to distance him/herself from you
2) More absent when you are trying to reach him/her: your phone calls are going more often to voicemail or your partner´s response rate through social media/text msgs is slower
3) Is thinking more about his/her appearance: your partner is buying new clothing, going to the hairdresser, using new perfumes, for example
4) Sex: is way less, way more, or just different all of the sudden
5) Has a more active “social” life: your partner is going more out to events
6) Secretive phone use: your partner is taking mysterious calls or is getting frequents texts
7) Is more active on social media: is engaging more on social media
8) He/she hesitates when asked about taking a joint vacation: your partner seems hesitant or avoids the subject when you are talking about plans that you have already made
9) Change of behavior: your partner is acting differently
10) Spending more money: you see that your partner is spending more, it could be more dinners, hotel bills, or in new clothing
If you can recognize your partner´s behavior in several of these signs it is time to face your fear and ask your partner what is going on.
The uncertainty can be more time-consuming and energy-draining than the possible truth.
If a partner starts overly focusing on his/her appearance, when he/she never did that before, it could mean that there is someone else on the horizon – someone he/she is trying to impress.
It is important to point out that this change doesn’t definitively say that a partner is cheating or about to cheat, but it could be a sign.
Note: This person could simply be trying to “better” himself/herself for himself/herself or his/her partner.
Another possible change in behavior that could indicate cheating is becoming overly critical, dismissive, or abusive towards one’s partner.
If one partner has become smitten or interested in another person, then he or she will most likely nit-pick what his/her current partner is doing as a way to justify his/her own behavior – the emotional, physical, or sexual cheating.
The cheating partner will all of sudden not like how his/her partner chews his/her food, snores, spends extra time in the bathroom getting ready, laughs all the time, the clothes he/she wears, his/her appearance, etc.
It’s always something because he/she is trying to prove to himself/herself that the other person is better.
When it happened to me, I was too busy being a work-a-holic to see.
Hindsight I now see that my husband was going out with "the guys" a lot and taking extra long hikes.
Neither of these habits was out of the ordinary at first, but looking back I see he was using these opportunities to see her.
Now, years after the affair, my marriage is the best it has ever been.
The proof of the pudding was when my husband attended one of the marriage conferences I was speaking at.
Although when it was my turn to speak, he hid towards the back, after my talk, he was more than excited to mingle with the audience who all thanked him for allowing our painful story to come to light.
He is less embarrassed about his indiscretion and more open to see other marriages reunite and become best friends again.
Things to look for in a relationship perhaps heading down that road will be the following:
A change in phone behaviour can be a good indicator; if the individual needs to text, call, or answer emails in another room that can be a red flag.
Not to mention a change in password, leaving the phone face down all the time, and leaving the house at the same time each day for an errand can be signs.
When a person changes their daily routine, this can also be a sign of cheating.
Big hints are unusual work meetings that run late or are interstate, a new weekend hobby out of the blue, or even taking longer than usual to run errands. This can look like extra shopping trips that take hours.
Sometimes a change in emotional expression can be noticed.
A partner might seem distant and disconnecting if cheating, but on the contrary, an individual might also appear over vigilant with gifts and attention to compensate for their cheating.
Short-tempered can also be a sign, not to mention some individuals who even accuse their partner of the wrongdoings they are participating in (double standards).
Reconfigured prioritizations - In supportive and caring relationships, prioritizing the relationship is seemingly second nature.
When prioritization appears to shift or recalibration of prioritization is blatantly apparent with no tangible explanation, it may indicate a lack of faithfulness.
Aloofness - Partners are engaged in extracurricular relationships more than likely will exhibit some measure of aloofness in their presentation, presence, or engagement. This “aloofness” more than likely will be atypical and confusing.
Furthermore, unlike distraction, this sudden presence of aloofness can also be almost impossible to penetrate.
Projective identification - This mechanism is a psychological defense that manifests in the accusation of a guilty transgression onto another.
For example, a cheating partner may accuse the non-cheating partner of flirting or cheating with another.
This subtle “gaslighting” technique can initially be confusing, but to the trained eye can be a sign of infidelity.
Secrecy - Cheating, by definition, occurs in the shadows. The secrecy surrounding sex and sexual transgressions is palpable.
If the faithful partner can take the time to trust, tune in, and truly listen to their own intuition they will know on some intuitive level.
Your intuition will never present as frenetic or anxious but instead will be steadfast and solid.
Peacock feathers - Pay attention to the flock of peacock feathers surrounding your partner.
If you notice a sudden change in presentation, dress, or adornments, you may want to pay attention.
Sex tells - Pay extra attention to your sex life.
If sex becomes more prevalent with added energy or emotional material or conversely drops off completely, it could be an indication that another party has entered the mix.
Their mood toward you has shifted
If they're always angry and irritable, it can be for various reasons. They feel guilty for lying and cheating and when they spend time with you or see you, it reminds them of what they've done/are doing.
As immature as it is, they will act out in anger toward you. Why? Because the situation isn't what they wanted, what they've done isn't what they would've predicted, and you're not the person they wanted you to be.
This isn't your fault that you're not who they wanted you to be.
How arrogant and selfish am I if I believe you should be who I want you to be? We have to find someone we can love as they are, make sure the communication is honest and open, and if we have a problem with someone's behavior, we need to address and discuss it.
They're lying about where they're going, where they've been, who they've been talking to.
This is very, very simple. If what they're doing is good or okay or ethical, what is there to hide from you? I understand that we don't share everything with everyone because we don't trust their reactions.
But this is very different than continuous lying about people and places visited.
They're acting aloof
Does a pretty girl or a handsome boy walk by and they're distracted by that every single time and do they look for reasons or excuses to approach them?
We will always find other people attractive, but acting as if being close to the stranger will make our lives more satisfying or better, this is a clear warning sign your relationship isn't a good fit for your partner.
My grandfather taught me, “Don’t pay attention to what people say. Pay attention to what they do.” You'll have to do the same. You may also need to rethink what you understand to be a "good fit" or a "healthy relationship."
During my years of dating, when I stopped asking myself, "Am I good enough for her?" or "Is she good enough for me?" and I instead began asking, "Are we a good fit?" my behavior toward relationships of all kinds changed drastically - and for the better.
Multiple aspects can change in a human’s behavior that may indicate they are cheating on their partner.
For one, communication is what relationships are built upon and a crucial part of human interactions.
If one notices less communication overtime within the relationship and does not want to know how their significant other’s day was, it could indicate cheating.
Another important factor that plays in today’s society is technology. If your partner will not allow you or anyone else to search their phone, then it is human nature to wonder what they are hiding.
I find that individuals who cheat will blame the partner who is not cheating because it is easier to accuse someone else of engaging in such behavior than blaming.
Not only will the cheating partner accuse the other, but they will also intentionally start arguments for the non-cheating partner to have a reason to leave.
The cheating partner essentially wants the non-cheating partner to break up with them, so they do not look like the at-fault person in the relationship, or they are hoping it could change the dynamics for the relationship for the better.
Phone Behavior: If you already think your partner is cheating on you, pay attention if they turn off their cell phone when with you or if they leave the room when taking or making calls.
They might even become angry if you answer their cell phone or touch it at all.
Social Media: Your partner checks someone else’s a lot and is a regular commenter on their posts.
If they are giving a lot of their time and energy to another person and using social media to do it, that’s usually a sign.
They also don’t like it when you post pictures of the two of you.
You might also notice that they untag themself from pictures of the two of you that were posted.
Relational Changes: Your partner may seem uninterested in your relationship and have fewer conversations with you.
They make spontaneous plans that don’t include you and give you little time to object.
The cheater may ask specific details about your schedule for no apparent reason.
Sex may increase or decrease. They may even request different kinds of sex or suggest a threesome or swinging.
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