Does your boyfriend or husband seem disinterested in sex?
Is this a recent development?
Perhaps you’re looking for advice on why this has happened - and what you can do to turn this around?
If so, you’re in the right place. This article provides an extensive guide on how to deal with this situation.
However, before we jump into this advice, it’s important that you read the following story carefully.
I wasted so many years in relationships with men who didn’t really care about me.
The truth is: I didn’t know how to make a lasting impression on men.
Thankfully, that all changed...and it all started when I learned about a powerful aspect of male psychology called the ‘Hero’s Instinct’.
This primal instinct has a huge impact on how men feel about the women in their life.
When you can learn how to activate this psychological trigger, it helps a man experience intense feelings of purpose and power. Naturally, he feels more affectionate and devoted towards a woman who makes him feel this way.
If you’re looking to strengthen your relationships, I’d urge you to learn more about how I discovered the ‘Hero’s Instinct’.
This will make it easier to solve (or avoid) the problem of a partner who doesn’t want to have sex with you. The tips below will help you further.
Table of Contents
Your man’s mind might genuinely really want to have sex with you, but his body just can’t get aroused. There might be a variety of biological reasons that your man is not feeling sexually interested or aroused. The majority of men have no problems with their testosterone levels, but it can be lower due to age or some serious health issues. If your man is getting that little bit older, it is very normal for his sex drive to feel lower than it was before, because the level of testosterone decreases with age. If he is still quite young, then he might, unfortunately, have these problems naturally for no real reason – this just happens to some men.
As I mentioned above, low sex drive could also be a sign of a more serious health issue. Some of the more serious health issues that can have low libido symptoms include diabetes, high blood pressure, organ failure or high cholesterol. Now, I am not writing these things to scare you that your man is sick. However, it’s important to be aware of these things, and keep an eye on him and his health. You might also want to cut him some slack if you do think that health issues might be causing his sex drive to be low.
In addition to this, your man might not be suffering from a low sex drive, but he might be suffering from erectile dysfunction. Once again, this is something that is more common as men age. However, if your man knows that he has erectile dysfunction, then he will less likely to want to have sex because he won’t want to disappoint you if he can’t get hard for you.
Performance anxiety is exactly what it sounds like – he is anxious to perform for you in the bedroom. Performance anxiety isn’t always about the fact that he is worried about maintaining a strong erection, it can be about anything he isn’t confident with. For example, he might know that he will finish quickly, doesn’t have the best moves or is just self-conscious about his body. Any and all of these things will affect how confident he feels about having sex with you. He might be really suffering from something like this, and so he just thinks it’s best if you don’t have sex. In particular, if he has a negative body image of himself or has low self-esteem, he won’t want to show you how he looks with no clothes on and he will want to do a great job at having sex with you.
He might think that he just can’t please you, so he won’t bother in the first place. However, the irony with some of the issues like him thinking he will finish fast can actually be fixed by having sex more frequently.
Even when we are in relationships, the majority of still indulge in a little bit of self-pleasure from time to time. It’s completely normal and can actually make it hot between a couple if they know that both of them self-pleasure when the other person isn’t around. However, if your man is masturbating too much then that might be what is affecting your sex life. Not only will he have already gotten rid of any sexual frustration he might have been feeling by himself, but he won’t be able to get hard again and have sex with you for a little while afterward.
In addition to this, if your man watches too much porn, it could affect his expectations of the sex you will have with him. Porn is easy to access and it’s always there, unlike the fact that sometimes you won’t be in the mood or you’re not around. Porn is always there for your man sexually when you are not. Porn websites have so many different types of sex on there, so he can even fulfill all of his fantasies, without your help. He might get so into watching porn and masturbating himself, that he doesn’t want or feel the need to have sex with you. He could actually be addicted to watching porn, which is a real problem and extremely unhealthy for a relationship.
Just like biological problems can lower your man’s sex drive, so can mental ones. There might be so much going on in his mind that he doesn’t even have the capacity to think about sex, let alone initiate it. The things going on in his head can be anything from having a stressful time at work to having a mental illness like depression. Although sex actually makes people less stressed and releases endorphins, your man won’t be able to see this if he is so wrapped up in his own thoughts.
So, have you noticed that your man is particularly stressed about something at the moment, has a specific event occurred that has knocked him a little bit or is he suffering from depression? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then this is probably the reason your man isn’t interested in having sex with you. He is suffering from something so much bigger than being intimate with you, and you need to try and understand that.
This point clearly only applies if you haven’t had sex with your boyfriend yet. If you haven’t, have you talked about it? Maybe he just doesn’t feel comfortable having sex with you yet. On a more extreme level, he might even want to save himself until marriage. Unless you have the talk about it, you are never going to know. Everyone works on different time scales, and he might simply not be as ready as you are at this moment in time. You can’t push him into having sex with you, it needs to be as right for him as it is for you, so if this is the case you just have to play a waiting game.
Is your man from a completely different cultural background? If so, it might be a good idea to look into what his culture thinks about having sex, and when you should do it. You might notice that there is a big difference to when his culture thinks it’s acceptable to have sex, and when yours does. Once again, this needs to be fully respected, but it will help you to understand it if you can look into it and get educated.
Sometimes, the lack of sex that is happening between the two of you is just a reflection of how healthy your relationship is. Have you been arguing a lot or is there something you are both very upset about? If you have recently come across a problem in your relationship or there was a big disagreement, your man might not want to make love to you, because that’s just not he is feeling at the moment.
In addition to this, nothing major might have happened between you, but your relationship might just not be going so well at this moment in time. Every relationship has it’s ups and downs, and maybe you are both just in a downstage. If you have stopped seeing eye to eye and you’re just bickering more, then your man isn’t going to want to have sex with you. Also, if you haven’t had sex in a long time already, he might feel nervous to initiate anything. He might just think the two of you are going to be in a sexless relationship, and although he probably won’t be happy about this, he could have got to the point of not even caring.
Obviously, this is a really horrible idea and I hope this isn’t the reason that your boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with you. However, it could be true. If your man is getting action elsewhere, he won’t want to, or won’t have the energy to have sex with you too. He might be cheating on you with multiple people in the form of one-night stands or is having an affair with one other person. He could also be cheating on with strippers or prostitutes. He could possibly have a really high libido and you weren’t sexually fulfilling him enough, but that isn’t really a good excuse to go and sleep with other people. However, have you both had the talk about being monogamous? If you are at the beginning of your relationship and haven’t confirmed this, then your boyfriend might not think he’s doing anything wrong.
Of course, along with him cheating you, this is probably the worst thing that you were hoping to read. However, it has to be said, because it might be true. Perhaps your man just doesn’t feel attracted to you anymore, and therefore he can’t get aroused by you and doesn’t want to have sex with you. However, if this is the case then he will be showing other signs of this, he won’t have just stopped having sex with you. He will also seem disinterested in every other aspect of your relationship together, he won’t compliment you and he won’t talk to you very often. The bottom line is, if your boyfriend wasn’t attracted to you anymore, then you would know about it. So, if you are having to read this article to try and figure it out because you can’t tell in real life, this probably isn’t the reason.
Firstly, whatever your man is going through, you need to know that you are not to blame. It’s not your fault that he is having problems with feeling sexually interested and aroused. You shouldn’t have to be more sexual than you are normally, or try and dress up to turn him in. You are perfect just as you are, and like I have mentioned above, there are so many reasons that could be affecting your partner’s libido, that have nothing to do with you.
The first thing you need to do is look at the list of reasons I have put together above and have a really good think about which one resonates most with the situation you are in. After you have had a think about it and you are confident which of the reasons is true, it’s time to talk to your partner about what’s going on.
It can be really daunting knowing that you are going to speak to your partner about his sex drive and interest, but it has to be done in order to move forward. Firstly, you need to speak to him in a place that you are both comfortable in and somewhere you can express how you truly feel, without feeling on edge of someone overhearing, etc. I would suggest speaking at one of your places, or if you live together, in your living room when no one is around. I wouldn’t recommend speaking about it in bed. You need to be fully awake and in a more conversational environment to achieve the best results.
You might want to tell your boyfriend what you think the reason is for his lack of sex drive and see what he says. Tell him you’re here to speak to him and you want him to be comfortable in being honest and open with you. Hopefully, he will speak from the heart and tell you what the problems are that he is facing.
In the conversation, you need to be as honest as you can be. Tell him how it makes you feel when you don’t think he is sexually interested in you. Tell him what your sexual needs and desires are. It’s important that you get out what you need to, so he understands how you want the sex life between you to be.
If the reason your boyfriend doesn’t seem sexually interested in you is that he doesn’t feel ready to have sex with you yet, you can’t really do anything but accept that. It might be part of his culture or personal preference. You can be as open with him as possible and encourage him to tell you things, but you should never try to pressure him into having sex with you.
This really depends on the reason for his lack of sexual interest in you. For example, the way you want to move forward will be very different if he has cheated on you or if he is having some mental health problems. Whatever the reasons are, you need to then both decide how you want to move forward, whether that be together or apart.
My advice would be that if he has said he’s been unfaithful to you or has admitted to not being attracted to you anymore, to leave him and move forward by yourself. All of the other reasons can be worked through together, especially ones like if he has some health problems or is struggling with mental illness because these kinds of things will require more support.
When it comes to health issues like low testosterone levels, erectile dysfunction or anything more serious, it’s important that you encourage your partner to go and get checked out and feel open sharing things with his doctor, and you. This is when it becomes less about sex, and more about the health and well being of him.
If you know that your man is finding it particularly difficult at the moment to find the confidence to initiate sex with you, it might be a good idea for you to take on that responsibility. In a lot of cases, he might still want to have sex with you but just doesn’t feel comfortable being the one to try and start it. You can try to come onto him a few times and see if that works. Try not to be offended if he doesn’t seem to want it though, you might need to give him some more time.
Although sex is obviously an act of love and it’s deeply passionate and serious, it should also be about having fun. The two of you should really enjoy having sex together, and there should be lots of smiling and giggles. Your sex might have gotten a little bit monotonous and it’s time for you to try and spice it up again. It might be useful to play games and try new things you never thought of trying. If you are both new to doing certain things, then there is less pressure put on your man, so he will hopefully feel more comfortable. Also, it can be a really good way to make problems in the bedroom seem a little bit light-hearted and can spark joy into your sex life again.
If you have tried to talk the problems out together and tried to initiate sex more, and it’s simply not working, it might be a good idea for you to both go and see a therapist. You can choose whether to go and see a specific sex therapist if you really do think that your problems only lie in the bedroom, or you could see a relationship therapist if you suspect there might be a deeper meaning to what’s going on.
You should not think of going to see a therapist as a failure. Your relationship is still great and no one doubts that you are just simply working some things out before they become big problems. It’s also really useful to see a therapist if you know that the two of you aren’t the best at communicating with each other. They will help to mediate the conversation between you.
If you go to see a sex therapist, they will give you some great things to try and hopefully some solutions to the problems you are facing.
I really hope that this article has helped you to work out why your boyfriend doesn’t seem sexually interested in you, and just remember, it’s not your fault.
Did this article help you at all? If it did and you liked what you read, please let us know in the comments. We would love to hear from you.